A sorrowful submissive wrote to me to tell me that she had inadvertently been “outed” about her BDSM participation, and that certain people in her daily life had accidentally heard about her appreciation and enjoyment of BDSM. Unfortunately these distinctly vanilla and misinformed people decided to take the incredibly backwards and uneducated stance that this woman’s love of BDSM was some kind of “negative addiction” – yes that’s right, just like comparing BDSM to heroin… beyond absurd! She was extremely disheartened by the negativity of these others and wrote to me to ask if it could be true, namely could Healthy BDSM be a negative addiction???
As I explain in my reply, the resounding answer is NO. This comes from an understanding of both the common experiential and biological mechanics of addiction, which I describe below.
I pushed her question to the top of my list because the very act of ANYONE calling someone’s normal enjoyment of BDSM a “negative addiction” really grinds my gears. That thought, like so many other misperceptions about BDSM, is a MYTH whose time has come to be dispelled. We live in a vastly more open world with access to all manner of information, and here in 2017 it is so easy to read about the Positive Effects of BDSM that there is no longer any excuse for such condemning ignorance.
Read on….
Let me start by saying that BDSM done as an act of Connection, Pleasure, and even Love between two consenting adults is A-OK and well known for building Stronger Relationships.
IN FACT, the book that literally defines psychological aberrations is called the “DSM V.” It is THEE book that psychologists use to define disorders. If something is IN the DSM then it is considered a disorder, and if it is NOT in the DSM then it is considered Normal Behavior and NOT a disorder.
BDSM was Taken Out of the DSM decades ago (in version IV in fact, back in the early 1990’s).
In other words, the mainstream Psychology community of Professional Therapists themselves decided back in the 1990’s that the enjoyment of BDSM as a form of healthy sexual expression done with a partner in a Safe, Sane and Consensual environment was PERFECTLY NORMAL.
Now chemically speaking, indeed one of the side benefits of BDSM is Endorphin Release.
Endorphins are your body’s natural chemicals of pleasure and well-being. At times endorphins will help combat pain, say from a physical injury, and at other times they simply create a feeling of well-being, like when you are cuddling your lover.
The three main endorphins that are most well known and that people experience extremely often are:
— Dopamine (feeling Happily Focused / Great / Euphoric…. why being flogged feels so good)
— Serotonin (feeling Spiritual / Uplifted…. what is happening when a sub goes into Sub-Space),
— Oxytocin (feeling Connected, Trusting, Loving…. that amazing feeling a sub gets letting go in the arms of their trusted Dom, and vice-versa).
MANY things release these endorphins, from sports (runner’s high), to being in love with someone, to dancing all night…. even a delicious cookie releases Dopamine! 😀
So maliciously calling someone “an addict” merely because they enjoy their OWN Endorphins Produced Without Narcotics By Their Own Body via BDSM is about as wrong as someone can get!
Consider a REAL addict, for example an alcoholic – someone who has an unhealthy affinity for alcohol. WHY does anyone drink (at all, ANY amount)? Because they are desirous of an endorphin release, but they have chosen to get it from outside their body. Alcohol taken to an unhealthy level (Alcoholism) is a potentially harmful substance from OUTSIDE the body. Excessive alcohol has numerous well-known side effects (e.g. harming the liver) – why do you think it is called “inTOXICation”?
BDSM on the other hand results in Your Own Body producing the endorphins, regulated as a response NATURALLY FROM WITHIN by your own body chemistry vis-a-vis the applied stimulation from the BDSM Toys and activities.
Consider the very loosest (i.e. mostly misused) sense of the word “addiction,” e.g. how armchair-psychologists (not genuine psychologists) love to call anything and everything an “addiction.” Most of the time they are actually only referring to a Psychological Addiction at best, and that is not even close to the same things as Actual Harmful Physical Addiction. Nonetheless, for the sake of discussion lets say that any activity (lets call it “Activity-X”) that is becoming a mandatorily repeated pattern due to self-created pressure (or perhaps lack of some element in one’s life) with said activity being performed beyond a typical frequency and instead pushed into the realm of “I cannot be happy without this,” can be considered a Psychological Addiction (Mental / Emotional Addiction) by this very loose definition.
This means the mental need for a state-change that tends to be brought by Activity-X gets pushed to an unreasonable requirement that negatively affects other parts of your daily routine and relationships. A perfect example is The Gym. Going to the gym regularly is GREAT for your health and well-being. However, have you ever known someone who spends Half Their Day in the gym to the point where the gym owners actually tell them they need to workout LESS? Yep this really exists and I have known a few personally. For that person, the Psychological (Mental / Emotional) need for the gym has been pushed waaaayyyy past the point of reason and even proper health practices and, since their is no external chemical dependency, this “addiction” is 100% Psychological. I personally witnessed this in someone I knew who had both a mild eating disorder and self-image issues, and she honestly believed that working out for 6 hours a day was going to make things “right” even though she was beautiful to begin with. She had taken the healthy practice of going to the gym and turned it into an over-bearing and unreasonable requirement to fight constant feelings of inadequacy that she refused to confront. Thus she had turned going to the gym into a Psychological (Mental / Emotional) Addiction.
This kind of Psychological (Mental / Emotional) addiction is far beyond merely being happy with the activity as it would normally be enjoyed in a healthy manner. So for example, enjoying a BDSM scene is Perfectly Fine (and even Healthy for people who enjoy BDSM for all the right reasons!), but when a person hates their life and acts grumpy all day if they are not mid-scene in BDSM all the time, then you could say that has become a Psychological Addiction – an Unreasonable Mental / Emotional requirement. By this measure almost ANYTHING can become a psychological addiction if taken to this kind of extreme and unreasonable need.
Now to be very, very clear, this is QUITE different from the awful reality of Physiological (Physical) Addiction, like opioid painkillers where the actual outside chemicals (pharmaceuticals, narcotics) are replacing or otherwise chemically changing the workings of your neurotransmitters. With Physiological (Physical) Addiction f you try to stop you go through “chemical withdrawal” while the body tries to reset back to its normal chemical balance. Physiological (Physical) Addiction is a very big problem and can only be addressed chemically and with professional help. When medical professionals talk about addiction and addicts, 99% of the time they are referring to Physical Addiction, like painkillers & very hard drugs.
PSYCHOLOGICAL (Mental / Emotional) Addiction on the other hand is an issue of the mind alone, and is often NOT really any sort of actual addiction in the slightest…. UNLESS as stated before the person absolutely cannot be happy without the superfluous element. Again, this can apply to ANYTHING that is taken to a point where a person is not happy without the item / activity. Heck, you could be enjoying video games daily and that’s fine. But when you literally become unhappy when you cannot play your favorite game and it starts ruining your whole day and affecting your relationships…. then you have a problem and a Psychological (Mental / Emotional) Addiction. Same goes for almost anything, and yes parents often see conditions like this pop up in the worlds of their angst-ridden and emotional teenagers who are trying to figure out life amidst their newfound hormonal throws. As you can imagine this is a very mild example of a Psychological (Mental / Emotional) Addiction, unless the teenager begins to act very hostile towards anyone getting between them and their videogame and, as mentioned, lets it ruin their whole day. Nonetheless, is this on the same scale as someone Physically addicted to opioid painkillers? Not In The Slightest…. not even remotely.
Believe it or not, Coffee and Sugar are mildly PHYSIOLOGICALLY (Physically) addictive in that a person who eats these all the time and then suddenly goes “cold turkey” (stops suddenly) can get headaches, mood swings, etc, as their body needs to chemically reset to accommodate the lack of these foods and the chemicals they contain – a very mild example but still an actual Physical Addiction which is easy to change with just a little bit of discomfort. On the flip side, television can become a Psychological (Mental) “addiction” when all day a person feels out-of-whack and unhappy just because they missed their favorite TV show.
Frustration is normal to experience, but when it goes past that into wrecking one’s daily life without the given element (Activity-X) but does NOT cause any actual, major physiological (physical-chemical-neurotransmitter) changes – then it can be called a Psychological (Mental / Emotional) Addiction, and it is MUCH MUCH easier to change and rebalance, as opposed to Physiological (Physical) addictions like opioid painkillers.
So the short answer is that Healthy BDSM performed in a Safe, Sane & Consensual environment – and especially as an act of Love & Connection between two people – without creating any kind of unreasonable need and done in a way that enriches the lives of the participants is PERFECTLY FINE.
And that statement is fully backed up by the DSM V and the entire mainstream Psychology Community.
I could go on and on, but instead let me refer you to a great article which explains that – in fact – people who practice BDSM may very well be Better Adjusted than their vanilla counterparts!
ARTICLE: Scientists Classify BDSM As Healthy Leisure Activity
CLICK HERE for the Full Study (Scholarly Article)
On a final note, I have some Key Advice and a Policy when it comes to sharing your love of BDSM with Anyone At All. I have this policy for myself and I highly recommend it for others as a highly functional way to be able to discuss your BDSM interests, challenges, joys, and experiences Safely.
That policy is simply called “Save Fetish Conversations for Fetish Audiences.”
This means joining forums and groups or attending events where the crowd is kinky by nature, or highly desirous of learning about Healthy BDSM. Talk your brains off about all things kinky with People Who Understand.
The alternative – trying to convince some vanilla person who:
A) does not understand, and
B) does not intend to even try to understand
…..is just asking for a headache and to be negatively judged.
My whole entire family – parents, siblings, etc – all know about my BDSM Lifestyle and my relationship choices. This happened over the years as they would visit and, for example, see the Play Room (affectionately called “the dungeon”) in my home. At dinners they would ask briefly about a BDSM or Kinky Event I was attending overseas, or how my book was doing, etc. When I gave them a simple answer they accepted it, although to this day it is easy to see it is not their world and these discussions were very brief. I could see often enough that while I was personally extremely happy with my BDSM activities and happy to explain, that the subject – even as they accepted it – still boggled their mind and made them feel a bit confused. Even when I made it eminently clear that they could always ask me about any aspect of BDSM and I would happily answer…. their inquiries have been very few and far between. I lost no sleep over this as I simply accepted that BDSM was just not part of their world. Accept it and move on.
I do not boast nor discuss my BDSM activities with my completely-vanilla friends unless they express an interest to me FIRST on the subject, at which point I merely tell them that I have much I can teach them if they have questions, and then I leave it to them to inquire…. PROVIDED they approach me and the subject of BDSM with a Positive Attitude. If they are mocking I will brush aside the entire subject. In other words, I never let people who have no clue and no understanding about Healthy, Safe-Sane-Consensual BDSM talk down to me about my BDSM interests.
People who would mock BDSM or talk negatively about BDSM without any real knowledge of the subject are the kind of Non-Fetish / Non-Kinky crowds with whom I do NOT randomly talk to them about any sort of personal issues I am having within my BDSM or D/s experiences. INSTEAD I absolutely WILL call my fellow Doms…. or talk about matters with my submissive…. or post in a forum on Fetlife… etc, to get replies from People Who Understand.
In other words, I take the Fetish Discussion to a Fetish Audience. 🙂
(*EDITOR’s NOTE – Be sure to check out the FORUMS in The Crow Academy Members Area where you can talk Safely and Anonymously with fellow BDSM’ers and Kinky folk and have very real discussions to learn about yourself and your wonderful participation in the vast BDSM Universe*)
If you are ever curious if someone is into BDSM or has a mild interest, simply ask them, “Have you read 50 Shades of Grey?”
I know I know – stop laughing.
While the writing and story are highly debated as to any inherent quality, and while NO ONE EVER should consider “50 Shades” any sort of guide to BDSM, it nonetheless opens up the conversation about BDSM. Thereafter you can gauge if you should even have further conversation by they way the other person responds, e.g. with positive interest about BDSM or with negative condemnation regarding BDSM in general. Who knows…. they might even give a healthy critique of the book and blow your mind!
Fun fact – and no joke – statistically speaking, 1 out of every 37 Literate Adults over the age of 18 ON EARTH has obtained a copy of “50 Shades.” Yep, for real. So the interest is there, and having at least this kind of “opening” conversation is easier than any other time in history!
If you love BDSM for all the right reasons…. if you can enjoy a great BDSM scene where everyone has a good time but your life goes on just fine when you are not playing or doing some BDSM activity….. then your love of BDSM is perfectly healthy. Don’t let anyone put you down for enjoying this amazing world of Fun, Mutual Pleasure, Healthy Self-Expression, Great Communication, Shared Respect, Beautiful Passion, and an Incredible Array of Sensations to Experience (as per your tastes and limits of course).
And if you need to talk about BDSM? Attend BDSM events, join sites like Fetlife, and start chatting in The Crow Academy Member Forums so you can take your questions to others who also enjoy and appreciate BDSM just like you. 🙂
All the best,
— Arcane
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