Recently, I responded to a letter someone wrote trying to delineate when and / or if it is ever proper for a Dominant or Master to take on a “My Way or the Highway” attitude. Shouldn’t every situation be endlessly negotiable? The answer is a Hard NO, but it is important to understand WHY.
I found it to be an excellent question and offered my take on how I handle just such a situation and how ultimately it is important to be aware that Dominants have Hard Limits just like Submissives. My answer went more in depth that I had planned, so I thought it would be good to post here for everyone.
Enjoy.
You can read Part 2 here: The Hard Limits Of The Dominant – Part 2
I highly recommend you read both parts. 🙂
The Myth
I am a strong believer in Extensive Negotiation, especially the Initial Negotiation when two people are about to get into their first set of Play and / or D/s experiences together. The Initial Negotiation is plainly and simply all about Laying down The Ground Rules so that both people get to enjoy the ensuing events mutually and to the fullest. During the Initial Negotiation, BOTH sides are meant to tell the other person about any Limits they have currently identified.
Amongst my BDSM Coaching clients, as well as amongst the many letters I receive, an ENORMOUS number of the problems arise because the Dominant Failed To Note And State Their Own Hard Limits to their Submissive. By perpetuating the Destructive MYTH that “Dominants do not have limits” or that “The only limits that matter are those of the submissive” these couples and individuals set themselves up for failure, dissatisfaction, and disillusionment. The Dominants were unhappy because the Submissives would cross the Dominant’s unstated line – sometimes consciously, sometimes accidentally – yet the Dominants who believed that horrid myth felt they were not allowed to “Just Say No.”
Almost universally I was able to solve a vast number of the problems of these people by simply teaching the Dominant of the two that they MUST identify their own Hard Limits, and state them as early on as possible…. preferably in the Initial Negotiation. Thereafter these same Dominants were much more able to set Clear Boundaries for the Submissive because the Dominant knew themselves and what they wanted much better. Universally, this knowledge helped these couples move forward to re-negotiate and thereafter flourish with vastly more genuine and tangible respect for each other.
A Foundation of Trust and Communication
When a new Submissive comes along (new to me that is) I go far out of my way to give her a very light and gentle introduction, only “turning up the heat” a little bit at a time as she comes to understand each previous experience and lesson in her Training. I make sure she has identified her own Hard and Soft Limits (a lot of them have not), and knows the difference between the two. Play and Training start light.
I do not offer a Contract of any kind until I am quite certain that she is sincere enough to warrant the reciprocal commitment from me. She does not have to be amazing, but she does have to have shown me that she takes D/s seriously, that it is not just a trendy game for her, before I will consider offering her a Contract. I also have to feel some kind of genuine compatibility…. Not necessarily epic, but that we are at least “simpatico” as they say. Throughout the phase before a Contract there will be lots of discussions back and forth, lots of dialogue…. and lots and lots of testing (within both of our limits) her to see where and how she shines the brightest in her Submission. Part of the testing also includes discerning “What Kind Of Submissive” she happens to be, using a nine-part system taught to me many moons ago.
CLICK HERE to read about The Nine Kinds of Submissive
I teach right from the start that, provided the Submissive uses good etiquette, she can bring up any problem, any concern. If it is not a Safeword or Hard Limit requiring an immediate adjustment, then I make it clear she is allowed to state “One Petition” to change or alter a command – again only if she uses good etiquette – One Time. It is my nature to DESIRE my submissive to speak up and state her thoughts and opinions, but seeing as how I choose all courses of action with a great deal of forethought, I do not invite my submissive to start endless disagreements. What she DOES know is that if her point is valid (or perhaps even a better way to do things than I had imagined) that I will change the instruction / curriculum in a heart beat. I am not attached to “being right” – I find that attitude to be self-limiting. Nonetheless, once she has made her singular petition and I have heard her out, whatever decision I make it is final…. and then we Move Forward. I make sure she knows that if she does need to make a petition for change in some aspect of her curriculum that I will give her 100% of my attention and take what she has to say seriously. I give her my absolute best and fairest judgement vis-a-vis my goals for her / Us / the Relationship.
By the time a contract is offered – anywhere from weeks to months later (if at all; as said there are factors that I need to confirm first) – we know enough about each other such that the first, short term “test” Contract is EASILY negotiated and aimed at a great deal of Mutual Happiness. The rule of “One Petition” is there in the beginning, and still stands even after years and within the most hardcore, long-term contract.
The Critical Importance of The Dominant’s Voice
It should be made clear that there is BIG a difference between the Perception of “my way or the highway” versus the Master himself having his own Hard Limits. Rough example: Say the submissive has a self-destructive habit and has come to the Master saying she intends to completely get rid of the habit, and the Master agrees that said habit is not acceptable and so he sets up a curriculum to remove / change the habit. Say after a period of time it is obvious that the submissive has no intention of ceasing the self-destructive habit. The Master has taken his time to lead the slave to move beyond said habit, guiding her gently and sternly, but after all is said and done it becomes evident that she has withdrawn her submission on the subject. The Master can – and in my opinion should – decide if she is Crossing HIS Hard Limits. If her withdrawal of submission / her disobedience on this subject is unacceptable, and it is obvious she has no further intention to change, then applying “my way or the highway” is merely him standing by his own Hard Limits.
If a Dominant crossed the submissive’s hard limits then every Tom, Dick and Harriet on, say, Fetlife would say “run away!” So too do I believe that if a submissive crosses the Dominants’s Hard Limits does he have the right to lay down that line in the sand and dictate that any further repeat offense will result in termination of the D/s. Of course in real life this is an organic situation, and the subtleties and complexities will only be known to the two of them. Sometimes a conflict might be right up at that final stage of Black and White, while other times it needs to be more carefully and slowly brought back down to calm sensibility. But yes, when the Dominant’s Limits are fully violated and the Dom is still kind enough to give a chance for reparations, at that point the “my way or the highway” line in the sand might be 100% the correct attitude to take.
You will often hear, “submissives are NOT doormats” – this is quite true. 🙂
But neither are Dominants meant to be punching-bags for the submissive’s violating behaviors.
There is value in both sides knowing when it is a good time to walk away.
Before we get to that point of No Return however, lets examine the Realities and Solutions available for a D/s Couple to successfully navigate past these myths, and into some healthier waters in Part 2.
Read Part 2 here: The Hard Limits Of The Dominant – Part 2
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