A quality Domina wrote me asking a few questions regarding training a well-meaning slave when the fetishes of the two involved do not quite match up. She was equally concerned over what appeared to be a breach in basic etiquette when a road block was reached with a different submissive. My answer is mostly written for the Dominants amongst you, but there is certainly food for thought for any sub who matches well with a Dom and wants to achieve an Even Better Connection with their Dom. These are ideas the sub could very well bring before their Dom to either spice things up, or to simply help fine tune what otherwise feels like a pretty good match.
The second issue, what felt like a breach of etiquette, is more about how to see the bright side of a badly ended situation and take into account the good that was achieved and appreciate the self-knowledge that was attained, all in the name of not getting too ruffled by the common occurrence of a play partner jumping ship.
PLEASE NOTE: I distinguish between three distinct levels of Dominance and Submission, which describe increasing Connection…
— To begin with, two people, a Dom and a sub, become “Play Partners” as they get to know each other and test for compatibility.
— Then, if things work out, they might formerly describe themselves as being in any variety of depths as “Dominant and submissive” together, e.g. “she is my Domina, I am her submissive.”
— Lastly, when the D/s aspect is formalized by a Collar, a Slave Contract, or both, the roles take on the final mantle of Master / Mistress and slave. There are a variety of sub-categories and names for this final mantle such as, “Owner and Pet,” “Madam and slave,” “Goddess and servant,” “Sir and Property,” etc.
Thus when I say “play partner” I am referring to the initial, most introductory level of encounter as the Dominant and a submissive get to know each other.
I also substitute “Bottom” and “masochist” interchangeably now and then.
Enjoy.
OK.
To start lets deal with each issue separately.
One is a matter of expectation on both sides. The second is a matter of preferences.
The slave with which you hope to achieve well-tuned success:
It seems you know that his fetish is to Serve, and that he is not particularly a masochist. To Serve is just as much a viable fetish as being into bondage, or puppy role-play, or edge play. In my own past I have had bondage-subs who LOVED being tied up, but really did not like very intense S&M… true, not NEARLY as much fun as a slave who likes it all. But with those bondage-subs it was their “thing.”
You CAN train a newbie bottom to start enjoying masochism by using toys that cater to someone with a light threshold — to me that is EXACTLY why sooooo many different and wonderful S&M Toys exist, so we the Doms / Tops can cater to a wide variety of masochistic and bottoming tastes. For example, I ALWAYS have a certain suede flogger that EVERYONE loves….although ironically it is only a “warm-up” & “cool-down” flogger for any serious masochist because it just cannot get enough thump for a harder masochist. For the harder masochists you of course need much more intense toys.
The point here is that perhaps you are using toys that although YOU love them, you may need to cater to his beginning-level threshold, and work him up slooowwwly to a threshold that you personally find fun. I will admit that it has not been my experience that someone with a seriously light threshold ever goes all the way up to becoming a hardcore masochist with a high threshold. Light turning into medium – yes. Medium threshold turning into a harder masochist – yes. Medium-hard turning into an edge player – yes. Light masochist going all the way to becoming a hardcore masochist – have not personally experienced that one, but that’s just me. This is why I have seven (yes 7) footlockers full of toys – so that I can have fun playing with all kinds of threshold levels. For hardcore masochists I will happily pull out the harder toys, while for less masochistic slaves I may only ever used the lighter toys – ALL the toys are fun for me. What I love the most is not the toy itself, but taking my submissive to her most blissful limits. Seeing my submissive at her threshold, riding that wave, while I am the guide, the steersman in that journey – that is a major part of my personal buzz in all of this. Whether the submissive’s threshold is high or low or somewhere in between is nothing more than a matter of selecting a toy appropriate to that threshold.
It IS true however that YOU must be satisfied too as the Dom – we will come back to this in a moment – but suffice it to say I think it behooves any Dom or sub to know what I call your “Core Fetish.” I.e. after all is said and done, do you have a single style of fetish, or fetishes, that always comes up as something you NEED in your BDSM play? Even if you leave it out of a scene now and then, somewhere inside you that Core Fetish still percolates? On a BDSM checklist, what is the ONE thing that you would check if you could only check one thing? What would the second thing be if you could only check off two things? Etc.
Something to think about. 🙂
Several parameters can also seriously affect shifting a submissive’s threshold. The temperature of the room for example. The fitness and muscularity of the sub is a really big one too – less flab means less insulation, though hard muscle can usually take a pretty heavy thwack as well. The most sensitive ones I have found are the not-hardbody-but-not-badly-out-of-shape ones….i.e. the “average” ones in the middle (though this is certainly not written in stone – the dazzling variety of skin sensitivities is one of the most fascinating aspects of S&M).
The sub’s inner temperament will affect things massively as well. Hormone levels and general mood can certainly shift a threshold. A sub with guilt issues or a self-derisive attitude might well translate your administrations into erotic penance, and thereby have a higher threshold. The same physical body with a well-adjusted mind (more my personal preference) may in fact have a lower threshold, and then again the same S&M might get eroticized directly into pure pleasure. Ah, the many wonderful ways submissive’s are wired!!! 🙂
I ALWAYS start lighter than my sub desires when I am playing with a new sub for the first time. I have lost count of the number of new subs who call themselves “O” and speak of wanting “hard play” when in fact they nearly call yellow (a safeword) upon experiencing the softest suede flogger. I start light, establish their ACTUAL threshold, which usually has little to do with what they tell me (its usually MUCH lower, though not always…), and then slowly work them up from there to their real threshold. To be honest I find the process a wonderful exploration for both myself and the sub.
Another fact we have to deal with as Doms and Tops is the reality of “skin preference,” the most common dichotomy being that of Thud versus Sting. A few masochists / bottoms like both. Most subs however prefer one over the other. Which does your sub prefer? Which one makes him swoon, and which one makes him cringe? Which one makes the submissive’s muscles visibly relax? Which one makes the same muscles visibly tense up? You don’t have to stick to one type of play all the time (i.e. sometimes you gotta spice things up), but knowing what their body responds best to is certainly a pathway to increasing their enjoyment of BDSM in general. Keep in mind that a body swimming in endorphins is also likely to enjoy a wider variety of sensations….but you gotta get the sub to that endorphin-laden point first. 🙂
As for him liking you versus “fearing / being in awe” of you, you can certainly role-play dark-goddess-like disdain, etc, but at the end of the day the two REAL PEOPLE that you are need to both feel a sense of compatibility, and somewhere in there will be a fundamental attraction, or “like,” whether that is liking the other’s style or their looks or their energy or whatever. In my opinion you shouldn’t get too hung up on the “fun” side of him NOT liking you – if he wants to be collared by you and you are going to collar him then somewhere in there you like each other or neither of you would be making such a serious commitment.
Back to his being a service-oriented sub – that may simply be his WHOLE fetish… to serve. His fantasy certainly makes you feel good and that’s great. If his fantasy does not include masochism in any toy sense then you may have to back off or re-negotiate that area. If you have a deep, Core Fetish need for hardcore play, then perhaps for your own personal balance you can find a masochist who likes to go much harder, letting the “service sub” do his thing, while you save the heavy play for someone else.
I can relate about how a great night / scene gets your juices flowing and how you just want to unleash – I too know the nights with an excellent service-type sub or bondage-only sub at my end where I was just craving the additional spice of hardcore S&M, but where I had to hold back because I knew such scene would not have gone well. With a wide repertoire of toys and ways to play, I would accept my submissive’s Limits and steer the scene in a different, mutually pleasurable direction. Now and then, if she became a regular partner, I would test those limits to see if her limits had increased, and more often than not I was very pleasantly surprised. 🙂
It DOES come back to knowing yourself and knowing what YOU need to be a happy Dom. If it is a paying client then a Domina has to choose toys and a scene that caters to the client’s taste, assuming she is fundamentally ok with the client’s requests. This is why some clients are more fun than others when the client’s tastes most closely complement the Domina’s.
However, in the Lifestyle, if you are talking about finding a good long-term partner, you MUST take your own needs equally into account. A Dom whose Core Fetish needs hardcore Edge Play to be happy will not find satisfaction being with a service-only submissive; a Bondage-Dom who only loves rope-work and does not swing whips is unlikely to find fulfillment with a hardcore masochist who craves heavy S&M toys; a High-Protocol Dom who flourishes amongst Formal D/s Etiquette with a High-Protocol slave is unlikely to be satisfied by a bondage-only bottom. Some things CAN be trained into a sub, and limits can certainly change. In such cases you must know for certain however, that you are willing to take the time to organically induce – i.e. train – these changes. It is the Dom’s responsibility to lead this process at a mutually satisfying pace (but it IS the best job ever, ain’t it? *wink*). 🙂
Perhaps you can find a middle ground with your service-sub. He wants to be collared by you… Can you create an S&M ritual that is a part of his serving you? For example, if you see this man as a long-term potential, you can make part of your Dinner Service into a ritual where he kneels before you with a toy HE chooses for a good 10-20 swats / flogs, etc, which you administer before dinner (or whenever – it’s your ritual), lightly at first but as the weeks go on with more intensity as you see him beginning to eroticize the experience. By allowing him to pick the toy for the evening it will help you get an idea of what he likes and / or where he is willing to experiment. Try telling him he is not allowed to pick the same toy twice in the same week, and then see what he picks on the 8th day – very telling to see which toy brings him “back for seconds,” know what I mean? 😉
It is true that if you collar him you own him, and yes in a deep D/s relationship that DOES mean we, the Dom, can effectively do what we want. However we Doms must also deal with the reality of our sub’s most primal reactions and respect their genuine Hard Limits. When I say “primal reactions” I am talking of reactions so honest and instantaneous that you know they come from a place that reflects how the sub is “wired,” reflecting worlds about the inner life of the sub. I am NOT talking about even the slightest rationalization for bad behavior, but rather when you can clearly see that the sub WANTS to be good but cannot help react in a primal-withdrawing kind of fashion. At the very least it is telling of some kind of inner obstacle. Try a new facet to achieving what you want out of the sub – use a new toy, create a new ritual, etc. If you keep coming up against said “Limit” it may simple be a hard-wired limit that you will need to accept even if the sub says they consider it a soft / changeable limit (however once in a while you can still test the area to see if the hard-wired reaction has shifted / relaxed).
Another piece of advice is to Know Your Sub’s Background. On more than one occasion I have watched a truly innocuous act on my part (within a BDSM scene that is) trigger a memory of trauma from a submissive’s past or childhood. Once you note such then you can easily avoid that trigger in the future. Do not be afraid to probe and ask questions! You, the Dom, are looking out for their well-being after all is said and done. If there IS a trigger in there then try to get the sub to communicate as best as they can about what they feel sets it off. This will enable you to avoid hitting any psychological triggers – a good thing to be able to rule out. If you cannot rule out a psychological trigger then tread carefully or even drop that kind of play / toy altogether until such time as the sub can enjoy the experience with you.
Onwards to your second question:
It is simply the nature of our community that Doms and subs meet, test for compatibility, and either continue to enjoy each other or move on to find someone whom they feel has a fetish closer to what they *need*. I specifically say *need* and not “want” because a person’s Deep Fetish can be a very powerful force within them which is seeking fulfillment. The power of a FULFILLED Core Fetish is EPIC. As long as everyone is following the Safe-Sane-Consentual credo (including of course Consentual Non-Consent for those in a D/s relationship) then it is every fetishist’s right to find such fulfillment – yourself included.
Although you may have had a handful of fine scenes, if this other man’s fetish is THAT specific – and given his experience I would guess he has a pretty good idea of what his fetish is – then let go of him lightly. Wish him well and perhaps he will tell an associate who is seeking a Domina with your style about you, leading to someone who is more compatible with you. Above all, although sensuality may be a part of your repertoire with such a sub to tease their brains while you go about your scene, make sure they know up front if you have zero further intentions in that department, i.e. “I will take you on to serve me / be my dog / and that is all you will be.”
Of course part of doing what you do involves being seen as an archetype on a pedestal, but remember that unless you are dedicated play partners or in a D/s relationship of some kind then the pedestal stops pretty much when the scene is over. The opposite of course is the 24/7 when the scene never truly stops. It sounds like you two were only play partners, and only three times at that. True perhaps he could have found a more graceful way to bow-out, but at least he was completely honest from the sound of it – his needs may not have been what you expected, and they certainly did not appreciate the Art of your BDSM skills. Nonetheless his self-knowledge, as off-putting as it might be, reflected a need you could never fulfill. Maintain your own poise and grace, let go of any attachment to him and smile knowing that there are those out there who will much more strongly appreciate your Art. EVERY scene counts in practicing and perfecting your BDSM skills, and even if you only had three scenes with him, your Skills and your Art are now 3 scenes More Refined.
That is knowledge to enjoy. 🙂
All the best,
— Arcane
A useful and thought-provoking article. Kudos.