Self-Esteem In The Slave…
Part 1 by Master Arcane – The Puzzle of Self Esteem

This 2-Part lesson came as a result of an online discussion on the very complicated topic of Self-Esteem, a factor which is critical within the ongoing training of a slave.

The question is how does one approach the idea of cultivating healthy self-esteem in oneself (for subs) or in your slave (for Doms)? How does one deal with self-esteem that is too low, ego that is overblown, and self-perceptions that are distorted? How can one introduce a sense of balance in the self-esteem of a slave?

Obviously this issue is not just contained within the BDSM Community. Society at large deals with self-esteem issues every day. Nonetheless, by discussing and eliciting several common factors of distorted self-esteem I try to show some of the factors of complication facing the Dom, some of the various stumbling blocks of the sub, and show that there are a few courses of action that so far have stood the test of time in the course of a Dom doing their part to cultivate healthy self-esteem in their sub. It is not an easy issue to tackle, but the final message is that there IS hope, and that hope is bright. 🙂

Enjoy.

(You can read Part 2 Here: Building Self Esteem by slave Daphne)

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This topic always piques my interest, as from the Dominant side it is one of the most fragile aspects of slave-training. I have had slaves who had excellent self-esteem, had slaves who had horrid self-esteem, had slaves who were clinical narcissists, and happily had slaves who were balanced and happy to work on their self-image in a healthy manner. But I have to tell you it is ALWAYS a tricky one to work with, and the Dom has to be very patient and very honest with both the slave as well as with themselves.

Part of the issue – as cliche as this may sound – is that the Media is constantly telling women “How To Be!” If it’s not “POWERFUL!” or “Leader Of The House!” then it’s “Anorexic!” or “The Center Of Attention!” etc etc. EVERY DAY IN THE WESTERN WORLD women are bombarded by endless advertisements telling them they are not good enough unless they fit the advertiser’s definition, which is universally only attainable by purchasing the advertiser’s product. UGH!

Now again, happily I have had some extremely bright slaves who maintained their own integrity against this Vanilla barrage of misinformation. These wonderful women, alongside my ass-kicking sisters who who have magnificently carved their own paths in life despite media pressure to “be like the commercials and advertisements tell you,” have proven that you really can appreciate yourself for Who You Are. I am a staunch believer in Human Rights and the Right To Be Who You Want To Be, and as such I will defend the lifestyle choices of these women to the end, be it demure housewife, ass-kicking teacher, powerful business woman, happy hippy, hardcore BDSM practitioner, scientist, artist, or anything else. The point is that it’s THEIR CHOICE. It is NOT the choice of the #@$!&% advertisers whose usual goal is to make money specifically by attacking people’s self-esteem.

So with that in mind, I have watched as submissives – especially those new to the BDSM and D/s Universe – approach the world of BDSM with a wide variety of misperceptions, such as:
1) I am not worthy and a Dom will make me worthy
2) I cannot be happy unless I am in a relationship
3) I am a super-duper slave and I hope my Dom acknowledges how incredibly awesome I am
4) Look how well I fit the media-dictated image of a woman – that makes me worthy
5) I will never be good enough (subtext: no matter how much praise I get)
6) This huge ego I have created means I have great self-esteem

Examining the above erroneous / skewed belief systems, here is what I have found…

1) “I am not worthy and a Dom will make me worthy.”

The reality is that the slave must be a happy person within themself before they can truly make their Dom happy. There was an erroneous D/s ideal back in the 1990’s and earlier that suggested a slave should base their happiness on whether or not the Dom was happy. That had a sound basis in the idea of “Good D/s Behavior,” that if the Master is happy then it is a positive reflection that the slave is doing well. Unfortunately it got distorted all out of proportion into the slave literally becoming unable to be happy unless their Dom was beaming bright smiles at them all the time. If the Dom had a bad day and was grumpy the slave would blame herself. If the Dom was away and not lauding the slave with praise the slave would feel gloomy even if surrounded by her friends having fun.

FORTUNATELY in the mid-2000’s this started to shift into what I consider a MUCH healthier revision wherein Quality Dominants DEMANDED that the slave work on her own self-worth to become a happier person unto herself. Curriculums for slaves involving yoga, art, fitness, diet, meditation, education, etc, etc, started to become more and more common because Doms wanted to know that their slaves were peaceful, whole and happy inside by themselves. This did not preclude subs still wanting to please their Dom, but rather shifted the internal space of action from “needing” to “giving” – a HUGE and beautiful change. And when I say “needing” I do not mean to imply that a slave and Master do not “need” each other as the counterpart to fulfillment in D/s – of course they do – but rather that the space of being constantly “needy” of the Dom’s affirmation and praise became replaced by a wholesome space of feeling good inside and understanding service as a form of giving from a fulfilled submissive heart.

2) “I cannot be happy unless I am in a relationship.”

A fundamental misperception generated by the media. A person can EASILY be happy even if they are not in a relationship. Sadly sometimes one’s own peers and family can even start to question the integrity of someone just because they are unattached, which is absolute nonsense. Some of the best adventures of my life have occurred while I was solo. It’s just another state of being, and the key is to simply be good company for yourself. A slave who believes they are unworthy unless attached will often jump into a D/s relationship when they are either not ready or they are not appropriate for that particular Dom (e.g. differing goals in their D/s desires).

The irony is that again and again and again I have both seen, heard of, and been part of situations when right as the individual is JUST getting comfortable being on their own that’s RIGHT WHEN the new partner shows up – LOL. I am guessing many of you reading this are nodding about how funny and odd it is when that happens. But the truth is that it really happens. Why is this? The logical explanation is that the “needy” energy finally evaporates and is replaced with calm, peaceful contentment, which equates to easy-going confidence, and which is attractive to potential partners. They see your peaceful self-appreciation and happy approach to life… and they become drawn to you. Another way to think about it is that first you win, and then your new partner wins too.

3) “I am a super-duper slave and I hope my Dom acknowledges how incredibly awesome I am.”

To be honest this is one of the most problematic ones, coming by way of overblown ego and / or greater or lesser degrees of narcissism (and please note I do not use that term lightly – genuine clinical narcissism is a very serious personality disorder that can ruin the lives of people). This can include the attractive submissive who has spent years getting praise for her looks, based her self-assessed value on that alone, and therefore put little energy into developing Humility. It is noteworthy that the largest chapter in our book, “IGNITING THE FIRE: The Art of Romantic Submission” deals specifically with Humility as a pre-requisite for exceptional D/s… something to think about.

Most of the time this kind of overblown ego shows up when the sub has had a lack of quality reflections from peers for quite some time, meaning honest assessments from balanced perspectives, e.g. a good friend telling you that you are being a jerk and you appreciating their honesty. When it comes to entering a D/s interaction, these types often define themselves by some simple and easily attainable definition from, for example, a fiction novel. I have had submissives who emphatically told me they were “O” from “The Story of O” – I never took that statement seriously and always tested to find out what was their actual level of submission, and the results were universally that their overblown, pseudo-self-esteem was a fantasy creation not based on reality. This did not mean they had no self-esteem, but rather that the bulk of the fantasy once stripped away left the real individual with varying degrees of actual self-esteem, sometimes mild and decent, sometimes quite hollow, sometimes immature, and sometimes perfectly happy once that ridiculous veneer was stripped away.

4) “Look how well I fit the media-dictated image of a woman – that makes me worthy.”

Another big problem. The truth is that almost any woman who is feeling this way is most likely also desperately judging and criticizing herself. This one includes every incidence of Body Image Problems (body dysmorphic disorder)…. sleek and slender women who think they are fat because of anorexic cover girls on magazines; overweight & unhealthy women who think they have nothing that needs improvement because a talk show host tells them they are perfect (for the record I have gained and lost significant weight several times, e.g. after sports injuries that had me in bed for months, so I truly understand the difficulties but also the headspace of accepting the work of self-improvement), etc.

It also includes “socially dysmorphic” women who are more “playing a media-dictated role” rather than truly Being Themselves. One example of women like this are those who often think they need to be the “hard-nosed boss” at home at the end of the day, despite their strong overtures that they wish to live as their Dominant’s submissive. This can be easily linked to a trend in TV commercials and advertisements for the last few decades, where women are always portrayed as being there to solve problems created by the men who are portrayed in these advertisements as clueless and incapable fools. FYI, advertisers call this technique of the TV commercial women rushing in to save the foolish man the “Suburban Sue Syndrome” and capitalize on it heavily.

PLEASE NOTE: The Suburban Sue phenomenon and that kind of “social dysmorphia” in no way impedes on the Fair Reality of Highly Capable Women who can, in fact, do things better than a man, for example in politics. “Socially dysmorphic” ONLY relates to the condition of a woman (or man for that matter) who is being highly disingenuous to themselves for the sake of a desperate attempt to live a media (and advertiser) dictated life which denies their actual personality and potential uniqueness.

More commonly however, “socially dysmorphic” women tend to be obsessed with keeping up with the latest media-dictated trends whether they actually enjoy that trend or not, or else they feel they will be judged (for real or imagined) by peers as unworthy, etc.

When one KNOWS one is submissive that is a BEAUTIFUL piece of knowledge. THE BDSM COMMUNITY knows this, and slowly we are gaining recognition by the mainstream in this “post-50-Shades-era.” It takes a degree of selfhood, self-knowledge, and self-love to able to stand in the face of the media barrage and still say, “I am a submissive (or Dominant) as defined in the BDSM / Fetish context of excellence, and I am proud of who I am.” They say we (BDSM folk) trail about 15 years behind Gay and Lesbian rights and concurrent society-wide acceptance, and I think that’s a fair way to look at things. The Good News is that every day it is becoming easier and easier for all of us to be able to appreciate and enjoy our own BDSM desires and needs, as Society continues to learn how beautiful the experience can be between two consenting adults, whether Dominant, Submissive, or otherwise.

Back to body dysmorphic disorder, these are all self-image issues that can go very deep, and as a Dominant who has been doing this real-time for decades I can tell you that changing a submissive’s self-image to simply be ACCURATE can – for some – be an incredible task! Anyone who has EVER thought one thing about oneself (I look good / bad / too thin / too fat / etc) and had someone tell them the opposite knows that defining an accurate self-image takes a great deal of seriously honest reflection and can only occur with a calm, non-judgmental mind. Take for example a female who in the eyes of an onlooker appears slender and fit, yet when one talks to the same woman all she can do is compare herself to every other woman in the vicinity and state how she falls short of what she insists is a higher level of being.

For example she says:
— “Look how thin and beautiful her limbs are (read: you hear the woman say this and when you look at the one she is observing you see she is pointing to another person with no muscle tone whatsoever who looks malnourished).”
— “Yes I do work out but I am a failure because I just cannot get rid of this (read: MICROSCOPIC amount of) cellulite.”
— “Yes I am a successful attorney with a great sense of humor and a loving heart but no man will ever want me because I don’t look like a supermodel.”

…and YES there is Male body dysmorphia as well:
— “Look at how large and muscular that guy is compared to me – I am so skinny and therefore lack value (read: sometimes even said when the man speaking is in GREAT shape!).”
— “Yes I am a successful businessman but no one will ever want me because I am not as handsome as that celebrity that everyone dotes upon.”

Etc, etc… Such a purely self-defeating and negative way of thinking!
The very act of opening up to the idea of BEAUTY as being “in the eyes of the beholder” while honestly doing one’s own part to live as healthy and fit a life as one can…. is a task of one’s inner psychology that is often MUCH easier said than done. This equates directly for social dysmorphia vis-a-vis D/s desires and cultivating the inner, HEALTHY understanding within oneself that personal fulfillment by way of D/s and submission is A-OK regardless of how the media is telling you to act “powerful,” etc.

I have personally found that simply insisting a slave leads a healthy and fit lifestyle, allowing her body to find its own, natural form by way of Genuine Fitness and Healthy Practices (which we all want anyway… no one thinks being as healthy as personally possible is a “bad” idea) makes for a good middle ground which the Dominant can instill as part of the slave’s curriculum. It’s a GENTLE “take no excuses” frame of mind for the Dom (who had best be Leading-By-Example in this case r.e. healthy & fit living as best one can, or else good luck getting your submissive to do it) that orients the submissive in a Positive Direction. Best of all, it emphasizes that the goal is NOT to look like a supermodel but rather to attain PERSONAL BEST, whatever that may turn out to be for the individual. The focus is a Personal Definition of Personal Excellence, not some media-driven definition.

Regardless of whether the pursuit is for:

• Personal Best in Health
• Personal Best in Fitness
• Personal Best in Life Path and Career
• Personal Best in Pursuit of your Dynamic
• Personal Best in Loving, Healthy D/s and Submission…

…the results of seeking Personal Best will always be VERY far reaching. 🙂

5) “I will never be good enough (subtext: no matter how much praise I get).”

This is the submissive who constantly self-condemns and self-deprecates, and trust me it is unbelievably annoying to the Dominant. A submissive like this ONLY hears when the Dominant is criticizing them and never hears the Dominant praising them; Every Criticism is seized upon, while Genuine Praise goes in one ear and out the other. The few submissives I have trained who were like this would hear my Actual Statement, “I want you to wear your hair pulled back in a ponytail,” and then utterly mistranslate that in their head as though I was saying, “OMG YOU ARE SO UGLY!” – I kid you not. Likewise they hear, “you truly look beautiful tonight” as the voice of the school teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons making honking sounds, “wa wa wa wa, wa wa wa wa wa wa.” It’s beyond exasperating to try to train a submissive with such an extremely negative headspace.

In the rare cases when you can actually get through to the submissive about the gravity of this kind of negative thinking, and you can successfully convey that their perceptions are badly skewed and they accept they need to change, then you can begin a course of the submissive learning greater self-respect. The Dominant can begin reinforcing that the slave MUST hold onto compliments accurately, and that the submissive mandatorily interprets criticisms as constructive and not a condemnation of their character. I am happy to say this CAN be done IF the slave/sub seriously understands the problem of their distorted perception. Otherwise the sub will build a vicious cycle that ends in erroneously deciding the Dom “hates” them which will lead to nasty behavior acted out until the Dom is forced to dismiss the sub.

For much more information on this exact, complicated problem as well as a pathway to solving this and other key complications that may arise within a D/s Relationship, you can find a detailed section in our book, “Igniting The Fire: The Art of Romantic Submission” under the chapter on “Traps” and the section therein entitled “Villain Complex” (i.e. a condition where the submissive only hears condemnation and ignores praise).

6) “This huge ego I have created means I have great self-esteem.”

This is a variation of #3, with the main difference being that the so-called “submissive” does not define their “greatness” by way of how submissive they are but rather simply thinks they ARE great at everything (again bordering on – or including – actual narcissism). The problems are obvious – they are not open to constructive criticism, they do not change behavior unless they see it as absolutely beneficial to themselves and no one else, and although they might be highly intelligent they can often be downright un-trainable. To say these people do not belong in the BDSM community is not accurate however, as they might be a great Bottom, loving the sensations of BDSM, bondage, etc. Just don’t try to make one into your perfect slave – that’s just opening up to a world of headaches.

BEST SOLUTION: Patiently Pursuing Personal Best

What I have written here is based on a grand summary assessment of my own actual experiences alongside my own understanding of the human psyche, and yet STILL I cannot say there is an easy solution for the problems of self-esteem. Boiling it all down to the bare essentials of the few events that seem to have had the highest success (but please take to heart I make no guarantees), the genuine, overall best solution is what I wrote in #4 above about having the sub consider and aim for her own Personal Best.

I said it before and I will say it again: The Dominant MUST lead by example in this case. When one is engaged in a healthy lifestyle (Dom or sub) – whether that means a clean diet, hitting the gym, doing yoga, practicing mediation, creating in one’s preferred art, walking in nature, improving one’s education, hanging out with a good crowd, etc etc – then a natural increase in self-esteem will occur (albeit possibly slowly), and over-blown egos can sometimes equalize (especially with the help of activities like yoga and meditation).

There is no “works for everyone” solution that I have found as of yet, but Aiming For Personal Best is the closest I have come, and when a sub/slave includes the perfection of their own slavehood as part of that Personal Best then the results can certainly be beautiful 🙂

Peace,
— Arcane