A Dominant buddy of mine wrote to me asking how I thought he should handle ambient Jealousy from his Alpha sub despite the fact that he makes it clear to her that she is Number One in a polyamorous relationship where he trains more than one submissive….
I liked answering this question because it lets us all address the stigma of Jealousy in a more realistic light.
Enjoy.
NOTE: This lesson is about “Rational Jealousy” which is called “Mate-Guarding” by psychobiologists (the people who seriously study this stuff). Rational Jealousy, or Mate Guarding, refers to impulses based on factual occurrences. If you are reading this lesson to find rationalizations for irrational jealousy based on things imagined and unproven, then you will be disappointed here. This lesson is about the BIOLOGY of Jealousy, NOT the need to examine one’s own negative and destructive behaviors stemming from self-esteem issues.
Several thoughts and things to consider:
1) Absolutely make sure that as your number 1, your “Alpha sub,” that she NEVER feels left out. This is usually the foremost request I have ever received in any and all multiple-sub situations I have ever been involved in. Sometimes ‘not feeling left out’ only means that you invite the Alpha to participate even if she does not want to – just the very act of inviting her can assuage a great deal of jealously and 100% of feeling “left out.” Be appreciative of her participation (given proper D/s Etiquette on her part during such) in whatever form that takes.
2) Ask her what makes her feel jealous. No substitute for simple, good communication.
Be open to whatever she says – you may not agree with or like what she has to say, but take it in anyway for future examination inside yourself to come up with workable solutions down the road. This does not mean you give her permission to outright whine or be openly disrespectful – keep it focused and progressive towards creating mutually fulfilling solutions. If she cannot easily put into words why she is feeling jealous, then lead her a bit by having her go quiet inside and do some self-examination. Sometimes simple answers may even be better than long drawn out answers. The idea is that jealousy usually begins with a specifc trigger moment that then goes unchecked – you are looking for those triggers. Then you can design a counter-balance to offset those triggering moments.
3) Understand the phenomenon of RATIONAL JEALOUSY. It is not as bad as people think. The fact of the matter is that Rational Jealousy is hard-wired into our biology. It comes from what is called “Mate Guarding” by psychobiologists. The very fact that she feels jealous comes from her desire to keep you as her mate – if you are really into her then this is actually a pretty good thing. Think about it – would you rather she not care if someone stole you away? What would that say about her Connection to you? Rational Jealousy means that she values you very highly (as opposed to irrational jealousy, i.e. accusations based on imaginary events, which reflects low self-esteem). About the only thing that can really offset Rational Jealousy is an INTENSE sense of SECURITY with you, that no matter what happens you will still be her “mate.” Again understand that jealousy is NOT a conscious choice – it evolved over MILLIONS OF YEARS as a natural reaction to the competition amongst primates for successful procreation. The emotion of Jealousy is intended to inspire ACTION on the part of the one who is jealous to protect their current and future investment in the one who is their partner, mate, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc. This action can be as overt as violence, which worked in the caveman days to protect the success of the creation and life of offspring (there is an extremely good chance you are alive because one or more of your ancient ancestors exhibited jealousy) but this same violence is totally inappropriate in the modern world of the the higher mind, the neo-cortex and our ability to reason. Likewise, jealousy can be extremely subtle and appear as passive-aggression (moodiness, pouting, emotional manipulation, etc) which, although much more palatable than violence in modern society, it is nonetheless NOT a very healthy and stress-free way to live.
Therefore, although we can appreciate the origins and meaning of Jealousy, it is still a quality that must be counter-balanced for a person to maintain a healthy existence. Squashed, denied and stigmatized – NO. Suppresion of Jealousy will always blow up because it’s an attempt to deny a hard-wired reaction. Accepted, appreciated, and counter-balanced – YES. The name of the best counter-balance ever is “Building A Sense Of Security.”
Plainly and simply Build Security in the relationship. Her jealousy triggers may still get set off because that is Natural, but her sense of Security will balance her internal state and make her more and more at ease. TIME spent feeling secure with you regardless of outside circumstances and outside play partners will make her sense of Security in the future ever stronger. As time goes on and her sense of Security with you becomes overwhelming, although that Jealousy trigger may fire, her reaction could even be as surprising as a grin on her part when she realizes that no one and nothing is going to interfere with the Dynamic of the two of you.
I was once in a club with my beloved polyamorous slave at the time, when a seriously hot brunette came up and started hitting on me with my slave standing immediately to my left. I was of course flattered and introduced myself as I extend my hand to shake the hand of the brunette. She took my hand and stared straight into my eyes, holding on to my hand. Without missing a beat I continued the introduction by gesturing to my left and telling the brunette that the woman standing next to me was my slave and making an introduction for her. The brunette kept staring into my eyes and did not even slightly acknowledge my slave. I personally considered that incredibly rude, that this new brunette had just totally diss’d my slave. I withdrew my hand and said to the brunette quite dismissively, “it was very nice to meet you,” withdrew my energy and turned away. My slave stood there drop-jawed and asked what had just happened. I took my slave in my arms and said very plainly, “she diss’d you and I am absolutely not ok with that. You are my SLAVE, you earned that role in my life, and NO ONE messes with that.” It was a revelation for my slave, and massive proof of my genuine appreciation of her. In that moment her feelings of Security with me jumped up by a MAGNITUDE.
There was another time with a past slave with whom I was polyamorous (I trained multiple submissives at the time) where we had built an intense sense of mutual security with each other. A play-partner of ours who was genuinely a Playboy Playmate (i.e. immature men would have given their testicles to be with her) told another mutual friend of ours that she – the Playmate – was going to steal me away from my slave. That mutual friend then told us what the Playmate said, and upon hearing that news my slave and I looked at each other and both burst out laughing at the absurdity of the idea. The Playmate thought that the grain-of-sand of her looks somehow was going to overthrow the MOUNTAIN of Love & Trust my slave and I shared.
In that moment my slave and I both knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were standing on a rock-solid foundation of Security.
Find the place inside yourself from which you KNOW you are capable of being able to provide your slave with that deep sense of Security – don’t fake it, Really Find It… and you will probably find that you truly enjoy the breath of fresh air that it brings up inside of you as well.
All the best,
– Arcane
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