Polyamory is Not For Everyone… and That’s Fine

In the last year I have read about more and more individuals who are being pushed into Polyamory when it is not in their nature. Let me make it clear that there is nothing wrong with Polyamory when BOTH people in a couple enjoy the idea. I have been in relationships of both kinds, Polyamorous and Monogamous, and I was well into adulthood when I realized I personally prefer monogamy and the building of the “super-team” ideal with a single, amazing, submissive partner. Nonetheless, within the BDSM world I know plenty of couples who are Polyamorous and very happy about it, and equally, I know plenty of couples who are Monogamous and very happy about it. The simple truth is that Polyamory is neither a requirement for D/s, nor universal for everyone, and that a bit of self-examination in this regard can go a long way in finding long-term D/s happiness.

In the Wide, Wonderful World of Dominant-Submissive Relationships, there are a few areas that are CORE to a person’s nature. These can include religious beliefs, political affiliations, the desire to be married, and even the desire to have a live-inside 4-legged pet or not. At The Crow Academy we always stress that these Core Issues MUST align in a reasonable manner for there to be longevity in the D/s Relationship. This is certainly not an exclusive element to BDSM Relationships as these Core Issues affect Vanilla relationships exactly the same way. The difference for those of us who live in the BDSM Universe however, is that too often in the “frenzy” of being super excited to finally find a BDSM Partner, a couple new to BDSM and / or D/s might sweep these Core Issues under the rug in pursuit of super-hot fun and the excitement of the Dominant-Submissive Experience.

If a couple are merely “Play-Partners,” which is to say they have no intention of pursuing a long-term relationship with each other, then these concerns are far less of an issue. Outside of play-time with the two people living apart, there can be absolutely no concern whatsoever about the other person’s stance on Core Issues. The two meet at a BDSM Club, do a hot scene, and shake hands afterwards. Maybe sex occurs in an utterly non-committal way, your typical “friends with benefits.”

However, for those who are seeking something more long-term, these Core Issues MUST be addressed, and the time to do so is in the Initial Negotiation. You have just met, you are vetting each other, and you have both clearly communicated that you are seeking long-term compatibility. This is when and why you need to be sure you and the other person are On The Same Page when you have mutually announced you are looking for something long-term.

One of the MOST fundamental areas required within your Negotiation, and especially in the modern, sexually liberated world is the simple question: Are you Monogamous or Polyamorous? Unless you are both absolutely, willingly on the same page without coercion, there absolutely will be conflict and problems. This is equally important for BOTH the Dominant and the Submissive. A Dominant who is Poly MUST make sure the new Submissive knows this and accepts this without coercion. A Submissive who is Poly must make sure the new Dominant knows this and is ok with the idea that the Submissive will be with others.

CRITICAL: Clarifying the Fine Details of the Polyamorous activity is a Whole Additional Discussion as well – What KIND of Polyamorous Activity is the other person into?

CLICK HERE to read the related lesson, “Are You Monogamous or Polyamorous?” and learn about the MANY kinds of Polyamory.

There is a modern MYTH and Utter Nonsense that pops up occasionally in BDSM circles where someone suggests that “D/s is inherently Polyamorous.” This is complete ridiculousness. D/s is largely what the two involved create together. Certainly there are great guidelines, like SSC or RACK, and the emphasis on Great Communication, Negotiation, Knowing and Stating Limits, Safewords, etc. But to suggest that a person’s core sexual orientation (LGBTQ, Polyamorous or Monogamous, etc) is dictated by their involvement with BDSM or D/s is complete nonsense. One’s Core Sexual Orientation comes FIRST and is then brought into their experience of BDSM. Yes of course you can experiment with all manner of sexual activity like a college student on a quadruple espresso, but if you KNOW your Orientation then you are going to be happier with someone who clearly complements that orientation.

Being Monogamous or Polyamorous is a very Core Issue to the nature of a person (given that you have that sense of yourself clearly defined). If you know this about yourself, then it is Critical that you make sure you both feel the same way in the Initial Negotiation, or else you are setting yourself up for disappointment and the likely failure of the relationship. You need to ensure that you are both on the same page about this. Of course if one or both of you clearly and honestly state an overt degree of “Flexibility” in this regard, then your Negotiation can include the possibility that you are willing to experiment as well, which is perfectly fine if BOTH people Mutually Agree to this.

Longevity in the D/s Relationship hinges on these Core Issues lining up, exactly the same way – for example – that any two people pairing up long-term need to know if the other person ultimately wants vanilla marriage or not…or do they have some other concept of long-term pair-bonding, and is that acceptable to the new partner? It IS ok to say “I don’t know yet” and make this a Soft Limit to be explored down the road. If you do not yet know your own Core Sexuality, then by all means enjoy that journey of discovery. If you DO know your core sexuality and whether or not you are inherently Monogamous or Polyamorous, then at The Crow Academy we strongly suggest that Monogamous people pair with others who are inherently monogamous, and Polyamorous people pair with others who are inherently polyamorous. Neither path is “better” than the other – they are just different – but making sure you are both on the Same Path is essential for longevity.

Some misinformed folk think they can “Fake It” and pretend to be what the other person wants in terms of being Monogamous or Polyamorous. This never lasts long. “Faking It” to make the other person happy is always a short-lived experience until the one faking it has their own Core Nature begin to speak up in an unhappy way. Again and again we get letters from people who “played the other side” (i.e. a monogamous person letting the relationship be polyamorous, or vice-versa a polyamorous person attempting to be monogamous) and it always falls apart at the seams.

Equally, as per the Arcane Advice Lesson “Are You Monogamous or Polyamorous,” there are MANY kinds of Polyamory. If you ARE Polyamorous and during the Initial Negotiation your future partner says they are as well, then it greatly behooves you to discuss exactly WHAT you both mean when you say you are Polyamorous. Which KIND of Poly are you? There are many, many kinds of Polyamory and it is just as important that both of you agree which variation of Polyamory suits the two of you.

CLICK HERE to learn about the MANY kinds of Polyamory.

At this time there seems to be a renaissance of Polyamory, and that’s great… IF you are Polyamorous. If you are Not Poly, then we are here to tell you that being Monogamous is Perfectly Fine Too and Just As Valid. Don’t give into peer pressure to be something you are not, especially if your goal is Long Term D/s. Knowing where someone stands on Core Issues is a part of any good Initial Negotiation when the two people have communicated they want something Long Term. Whether the two of you are Monogamous or the two of you are Polyamorous, finding Happiness with each other is equally within reach when both people are simply on the same page.