The Monumental Importance of Honesty in BDSM

We all know that COMMUNICATION is critical for a healthy and flourishing D/s Relationship. Amongst other things, this includes an Absolute PACT of Honesty.

To be clear, Honesty does NOT include things that are genuinely unknown or “in-flux” such as a Soft Limit where one is unsure where they lay on the spectrum of liking a certain practice or not. Likewise key questions when seeking long-term compatibility such as “do you want children?” can equally be an unknown and it’s quite common for someone to answer, “I am not sure” (which can be an honest answer). Of course it’s equally fair for the one getting such an uncertain answer to take that as insufficient and unsatisfactory, and decline the interaction.

On the contrary (in this example), when asked “Do you want children?” by someone who has a clear glow in their enamored eyes and the one answering really does NOT want children, but says “Yes” so that they can jump into the sack with the one asking…. that is absolute DIShonesty, and also an insult to the entire global D/s Community. Why you ask? Because as a Global Community we are FOUNDED on Great Communication and Honesty, and Trust is our absolute cornerstone. But whether or not one wants kids is NOT the point of this lesson.

The point of this lesson is that if you want to be in a Successful D/s Relationship, you need to treat HONESTY as SACRED.

Honesty absolutely happens in both directions, from the Dominant to the Submissive, and from the Submissive to the Dominant. It happens on every level. Whether you are discussing Limits, or past relationships, or past successes and failures in BDSM…. it all counts towards your current partner getting a genuine sense of Who You Are, What You Are Capable Of Doing, How Skilled or Experienced You Are, and so much more.

This allows the Dominant to accurately gauge the planned course of S&M activity, and also customize the D/s to really work well for the two of you. It also allows the Submissive to have a clear understanding of where the D/s Relationship is intended to go, accurately give their input during the Initial Negotiation, and above all gauge whether or not the particular D/s Style of the Dominant will suit them moving forward.

The long and short is simply that Honesty in both directions paves the way for a smooth and finely-tuned D/s Relationship, and endless excellent S&M scenes together. Lying about your Limits invites excess and problems. Lying about past relationships, distorting your own BDSM ability, and exaggerating your actual experience and skill level only invites problems and conflicts. Remember, its A-OK to be a Beginner and let the other person know you are new to it all. You just might end up growing and learning together which can create a wonderful bond between two people.

One of the most common topics to come up in the beginning where people lie or distort who they are lays in the world of Polyamory vs Monogamy. Polyamory, when done correctly, is an Honorable interaction, where EVERYONE is Clearly Informed about everyone else. Yes two people can both Openly & Verbally agree to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, but the point there is that BOTH people (and absolutely everyone else involved) has been informed of this policy and Openly, Verbally Agrees To It. If one person does not agree, then that Poly policy needs to be revised.

Much Healthier in a Poly dynamic is for everyone to be completely informed about all others involved. This also includes the STD status of all partners – an open and absolutely fair, sensible exchange of information wherein people MUST be Honest. If you cannot be honest about your STD status with all involved then you are openly placing the Well-Being of your partner/s into the category of “unimportant” and that is a terrible thing to do. It instantly spells doom for the relationship, and it is downright unethical.

Poly D/s can come in many forms – multiple Doms and Subs in a large Poly Family, One Dom/me and several subs, a closed Leather Family, etc. The policy of HONESTY means – without reservation – that when someone new is becoming involved in a Poly dynamic, that EVERYONE currently in that dynamic is made aware of this newcomer. If the Poly Family is closed, then there can also be a need for the unanimous acceptance of the new person. Or perhaps the boundaries are not as closed, only requiring the general informing of all others in the dynamic regarding the new person, and for the family to meet them and feel comfortable, know their STD status, etc.

To be absolutely clear, here is what does NOT work. One word: CHEATING.

Let me start by saying that The Crow Academy does NOT condone cheating in any way, shape, nor form. Cheating means sneaking off to be with someone else, regardless of context, because the one cheating KNOWS that others will not approve. To cheat is a direct violation of the Policy of Honesty, and is guaranteed to be antagonistic to healthy D/s. It does not matter if you are monogamous or polyamorous – everyone is expected to be informed. If someone goes off to be with another and intentionally deceives the others in the dynamic about it, then that is Cheating.

Furthermore, cheating is DUMB. Would you like to know WHY we say this? Logic. If you cheat on your partner/s then the one with whom you are cheating has just been given ABSOLUTE PERMISSION to Cheat On You. Your actions – cheating on your partner/s – gave that permission. Your choice to cheat sent the message, “I think cheating is fine” and so you have no foundation to stand upon to get irate later on when that person gets tired of you and Cheats On You. MUCH better to be Open and Honest, to find a parter who wants the same degree of Polyamorous or Monogamous activity as you, and both of you start when you are either both single to begin with, or in an Honest and Open poly relationship with everyone clearly and honestly informed.

Commencing a D/s Relationship like this, founded on Honesty, builds incredible Trust and that is Worth its Weight in Gold. 🙂

When a Dominant and a Submissive have deep and abiding TRUST, the two are like a single-minded team, and the ability to relax together, play together, and truly enjoy each other’s company gets amplified 1000-fold. In play, the Dominant trusts that the Submissive has informed them accurately about their thresholds and Limits, and this allows the Dominant to choose wisely from their toy collection to create one excellent scene after another, as well as know where they can experiment together with new sensations. The Dominant equally trusts the Submissive to respect the Dominant’s Limits as stated by the Dominant during the Negotiation.

Likewise, the Submissive trusts the Dominant’s skill with the toys, and trusts the Dominant’s ability to attend to the safety and well-being of the Submissive before, during and after a scene. In a D/s Relationship, the Submissive also trusts the Dominant with long-term Life Decisions the Dominant might make as they give full respect to the Limits of the Submissive. For many excellent reasons, both are trusting each other to Be Honest. A D/s Relationship like this, founded on Trust & Honesty is like growing a garden in spectacularly fertile soil with plenty of sunshine and clean water. Inevitably beautiful things will grow. 🙂

The third Cornerstone, as we teach at The Crow Academy, is Communication, which means not holding back with one’s thoughts, ideas, inspirations, and concerns. This again goes for BOTH sides, the Dominant and the Submissive. When one finds a partner who struggles to communicate, either side can help by asking stimulating questions and getting the quieter one to contribute more steadily to the conversation. As time goes on, such encouragement tends to take hold and the quieter one becomes better and better at Good Communication. This is how you truly learn about your partner, their likes and dislikes, their Limits (as they might change, grow and expand), their desires, and sometimes even their most secret kinks as Trust grows between you.

The bottom line is that we encourage you to grant the highest regard and respect to these three Cornerstone Principles – TRUST + HONESTY + COMMUNICATION – especially if your goal is an Exceptional D/s Relationship. Honesty leads to Trust, Trust magnifies your Bond and Connection immensely, and Good Communication is the grease to the gears of your Relationship.

A Dominant might have strict protocols for Communication during problem times, such as “no rudeness” or “when angry or upset you must speak calmly,” etc. At The Crow Academy our policy is that a Submissive may speak to the Dominant about ANYTHING, however they are to stick to the basic protocols of Respect. For a Submissive to shout, “I am seriously fucking angry at that bullshit!,” is NOT ok as the inelegant volume and expletives only serve to create a mundane, Vanilla argument, and at The Crow Academy we expect both the Dominant and the Submissive to be better than that.

Instead the Submissive must adhere to the D/s Etiquette and may ask, “Master may I speak with you about something that happened that seriously upset me?” It has been our experience for decades that when the Submissive chooses the latter, respectful tone even when dealing with complex problems, that the Dominant is MUCH more desirous to hear what the Submissive has to say and help solve any problems.

Straight up: Protocols of Good Communication help solve issues and problems MUCH Faster.

Do not treat the Three Cornerstones lightly. Seek excellent Communication like it is the Holy Grail. Seek magnificent Trust between the two of you for the security and bliss it absolutely will bring both of you. And treat Honesty as the monumentally important building block that it really is, because on the most fundamental level it shows the other person that you genuinely Respect and Appreciate them. That is the path towards a superior D/s Relationship. 🙂