Credentials, or How To Screen a Dom?

Let me start by saying that I pushed this question to the head of the list because I have been suddenly inundated in the last few weeks by various submissives asking this exact same question. It’s as though astrologically speaking some planetary alignment has given rise to this question in the minds of many all at once! So my apologies to those who are still waiting for their questions to be answered who may have sent them in several weeks ago, but I felt this question had a certain immediacy to it that needed addressing. I will get to all your questions. 🙂

Let me also say that what I am about to tell you is Just My Opinion. I have quite a few Male Dom friends who may have completely different advice on this one particular question, and if you happen to know others in this regard, by all means compare and contrast what I have to say on this subject with what they have to say, and locate the Common Points. This will bring you even closer to a good set of criteria. I am going to add that I am NOT one to seed fear into the minds of ANYONE, and so you are NOT going to get suggestions from me based on someone else’s paranoia. In fact I am quite against that whole style of writing. What you WILL get from me is good, common sense perspectives based on the Real World and the amazing opportunities that surround us if we just use good judgement.

So, how does a well-meaning female submissive find a Good Dom, and by what sense of measure can she assess that Dom’s skill set and actual experience when first meeting and talking to this man?

In terms of locating a Dom with a ton of experience, let me use myself as an example of what lays behind the title so you get a sense of how an experienced Dom views the world.

The truth is that I simply Do What I Do. I have been at this since I was a very small child tying up the neighborhood girls in my childhood games. My first lover was into bondage and role play (yes, the Fetish Gods have been VERY good to me) so this has been part of me for my Entire Adult Life. Even before I knew the term “Dominant” I tended to be the leader of my relationships and always with an eye towards seeing my partner excel in her life. It wasn’t until I lived in Europe however where I really began to appreciate the role of Dominant in the most Formal D/s sense, and again the Fetish Gods being very good to me, my friends there were some of the most amazing Doms and subs the world has ever seen. They tutored me and I picked their brains every chance I had, and under their guidance I trained my first slave in Formal D/s.

So let me say it again: I have been at this My Entire Adult Life, and started with Fetish Games (albeit of a childish nature) when I was but a kid.

Next, I am going to tell you what I have done in the past to make people understand I am REAL, and hopefully you submissives out there looking to validate / confirm the skill of a Dom you are just meeting or are meeting online can draw from this to find ways to measure similar elements.

In No Rush

First of all, I don’t waste time. If I meet someone and they seem like a potential submissive I arrange to spend quality time with them relatively SOON. I don’t beat around the bush or make excuses, but I DO respect the pace that is comfortable for the submissive to initially get to know me. That said, I NEVER play with someone right off the bat, and I NEVER expect them to either. Folks, I have had amazing submissives under my wing. I know how to tell the tune of a slave-heart form the sound of a trendy pop-song. I know how to assess how deep a submissive is and how deep she is going to be able to go into Submission. In short, I know what to look for. But above all, I Know How Much Energy It Takes To Be Someone’s Dominant. Therefore, I am not going to expend that energy if I do not feel the person sitting before me is right for me.

In Other Words:
When you meet me you will find that I am IN NO RUSH.
I Will Take My Time To Get To Know You.

HECK! I want to know that YOU are not a psycho just as much as you want to know that about me! LOL 😀
If we met online I would want to meet you in a public place just as much as you want that.
My point: If a Dom is ready to jump in the sack with you before he even finds out a little bit about YOU, then he is – in my opinion – not acting with Due Diligence. Sure there might be a Fantastic Dom who also wants to have great animalistic sex, but Every Single Male Dominant I Personally Respect will QUALIFY the woman who presents herself as a submissive before him.

Asking Good Questions – A Two Way Street

A Fine Dominant will Get Inside Your Head. He will Ask Questions. He will want to know What Makes You Tick. You can measure his skill at this: Does he pry away at your inner world and come away with crumbs? Or does he dance into your mind and you find yourself revealing things to him that perhaps very few people know? The latter represents SKILL…

A High-Integrity Dominant will be unafraid to represent his expertise accurately. He will easily state his own Hard Limits – what he is absolutely NOT interested in doing – if asked, or he may offer this information up front. If he is exceptional at something he will state it as an Artist, not as a show of bravado or ego. If he is unskilled at something he will equally be quite happy to admit such an area is not a skill he possesses. You will get a Clear Sense that he is not bullshitting you, and that he is in fact representing himself in an accurate and balanced manner.

This does NOT mean he must put up with trick questions you might ask him – if he spots you trying to draw him into a line of pessimistic thinking that is more about you finding the holes in his armor rather than trying to really learn about HIM, then he is not obligated to play such a destructive game. That said, he may smile and with a grin turn the tables on you if you do so, and his taking control of such a situation may be another indicator of the Skill and Grace in his Dominance, a good quality. He won’t get upset by your questions, but he might turn any negativity you project into an opportunity where you might become the one exposed. To be clear however, I am not suggesting anyone approaches such a meeting with the intent to be negative just to see if the prospective Dom can “flip it.” Be positive and inquisitive in your conversation, not intentionally destructive.

Nevertheless, as a rule he will be Happy To Answer Any Questions. I hope I really don’t need to tell you that this does not include his PIN number on his bank card and other private information. But if you ask about his Fetish background or how he learned his BDSM skills, he will have nothing to hide. If you DO manage to get too probing past the point of reason, he might well steer the conversation back into the realm of the Reasonable, as is fully his or anyone’s right when just meeting someone.

Red Flags are always the same.
Follow your intuition.

Examples:
• If you ask him if he is married and his answer sounds waayyy too evasive
• If you state a Hard Limit very clearly and he acts dismissively
• If he is offended by your wanting a safety phone call / check-in with a friend for your very first play-date

IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ASK GOOD QUESTIONS. This also includes asking questions that cross-reference his answers on important Relationship Topics. If you throw questions at him that would be invasive to anybody – including yourself – then again he probably will not answer and might even pull back. Be respectful the same way you would be to a good friend and keep the probing reasonable. In other words, do not be afraid to ask him normal stuff – ask him what music he likes or about his favorite books. If his answer is something you dislike, you can either choose to tell him or make a mental note that you might have to expand your tastes if you like him for his other qualities.

Now the truth is that by asking questions – even very good ones – you are only going to find out so much. By all means ask how many slaves he has had in the past and cross-reference that by asking him about his best experiences. A highly skilled Dominant might give you a number larger than you expected – don’t go expecting to find an “Expert Dominant” who has only had one slave ever. Respect that a Fine Dominant’s skll comes from experience, and if the two of you work out then that is experience that is going to directly benefit you.

At the same time, if you are intimidated by such experience, then by all means don’t be afraid to explore with a Newer Dominant who is Still Learning – the main criteria for these newer Doms is that they will be completely HONEST about their own experience. A newer Dom of quality will be happy to tell you what he really enjoys and what he wants to learn as well. A new Dom and a new sub can have quite a great time learning and exploring together.

Highly Experienced High-Integrity Doms are few and far between. It is part of our mission at The Crow Academy to change this by educating Dominants on how to be High Quality. Our next book (Book II) will be written primarily for Dominants to teach them the psychology and skills needed to be a Fine Dominant of Exceptional Quality. In the mean time, Dominants can turn to our many free lessons here on Arcane Advice as well as the free videos on The Crow Academy YouTube Channel (beneficial for both Dominants AND Submissives). The world needs more High-Integrity Dominants who know their stuff – we all agree on that.

Spotting A High-Integrity Dominant

Here’s what a High-Integrity Dom will NEVER do (and what low-integrity pseudo-doms will do)…

— he will not write to you in an initial letter saying “down on your knees bitch.”
— he will not send you a photo of his cock when you are just meeting.
— he will not ask for a booty call before he even knows you.
— he will not jump through unreasonable hoops you place before him such as “I want you [the Dom] to write me a detailed fantasy about what you would do to me”…. sorry ladies, thats not soliciting a Dom, that trying to create your own personal Romance Novelist.
— he will not call you 25 times a day looking for you or leave endless phone messages or worry about where you are every 5 minutes because he will Have A Life.
— he will not probe for unreasonable details about your private life when you first meet (see above: wanting to know if you are married = A-OK, but wanting your bank account number = Red Flag)
— he will not make you feel expressly uncomfortable when you first meet. Challenged and titillated like being on a roller-coaster maybe, but not actively frightened or highly anxious (Edge Players excepted).
— he will not Name-Drop about who he knows or any other silly egotism when first meeting you.
— he will not talk bad about the local BDSM community if he does not attend the parties. Talking bad about parties he never even attends might be a red flag that he does not want his skills assessed by his peers, or his lack of skill talked about by others.

Here’s what a High-Integrity Dom WILL do…

— he will introduce himself at least as politely as anyone would meeting in say, a nightclub.
— he will tell you a little about himself, and will be able to talk about his past experience easily (it is his option to keep private the names of other submissives if he so chooses).
— he will ask you questions and want to know things about you such as your own experience with BDSM or D/s.
— he will be happy to engage you in good, fun conversation.
— he will act with integrity in small ways such as keeping appointments or informing you ahead of time if he has to cancel, little things that SHOW the Good Etiquette he will later be teaching you.
— he will ask you insightful questions that may even give you a look into yourself even as you answer him.
— he might ask you for references, and he will be unruffled if you ask the same of him. Admittedly, in small towns there really might be no one who knows either of you well enough to give such a reference. Nonetheless it is always a good sign when he can have a former submissive vouch for his skill and integrity.
— he may quite possibly be an active member of local BDSM groups and societies, and active in the local BDSM community. He is at ease amongst his BDSM peers, both those more skilled and less skilled than himself.

These ideas and these lists should get a great many of you heading in the right direction. Not every great Dom will have all the High-Integrity criteria, and not every red flag pseudo-dom will have all the negative traits. Use the above lists and rules as a kind of guideline, and use your own intuition and good judgement.

Being Introduced – The Best Case Scenario

Bottom line: Nothing is better than being personally introduced to a Dominant by a mutual friend who can vouch for them. This means Becoming Active In Your Local BDSM Community. Yep, stepping out of your closet. Attend a few events, be friendly, meet people…Make Friends. This is called Building Your BDSM Social Circle. This way you will also get to see skilled Dominants at parties doing their thing. Even if that skilled Dominant already has a submissive partner, most Doms know other Doms, and their submissives may have recommendations as well. 🙂

Side note: BEWARE of any submissive who actively bad-mouths their own Master / Owner behind his back. Some submissives will create drama as part of their need for a particular kind of rush. A Dominant who lets this run unchecked is equally at fault of course, but my point is to take recommendations and advice from submissives who EXEMPLIFY the kind of Elegance and Grace you wish to learn and live yourself. A Submissive who is fulfilled will not see you as a threat or competition, but rather as a sister-soul. If there is a Dominant out there who is bad news and a submissive sister tells you so, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to cross-reference her words with the opinions of her Dom, and / or the opinions of other submissives. Don’t sell yourself short by getting sucked up into someone else’s drama.

Remember when meeting a Dominant you must be honest about your own Hard Limits. If there are areas you are unsure about, these are called Soft Limits, i.e. BDSM practices you might want to explore later after the two of you have built up some trust before you explore these “Soft Limit” practices to see if you like them.

Click HERE to Learn Much More about HARD LIMITS and SOFT LIMITS

Above and beyond, Know Yourself. You are a growing soul. You are looking for an exceptional match, a living complement to your own nature. The better you know yourself, the better you will know what you are looking for. Remember: the normal Good Habits of ANY relationship apply to D/s as well, and often even More So. Solid Communication is a great idea for a vanilla couple, but for a D/s couple it is CRITICAL. We push the envelope farther and as such we are held accountable for things which our vanilla friends might let slide. Where you don’t know yourself yet, say in terms of how deeply you can go into submission, these are the answers that will come later. Consider What You Bring To Your Prospective Dominant. Work on yourself in your daily life to be a Whole and Happy person before you even meet your Dom. Use common-sense and be good to yourself on multiple levels. Find your own personal joys in a healthy life. Turn yourself not only into a healthy person ready for submission… turn yourself into someone who will also be a Healthy Companion to your forthcoming Dominant. 🙂