The Dominant Phoenix – Growing Stronger From Your Mistakes

An earnest Dominant wrote to me describing a Master / slave relationship which had failed. He wanted to know what he could look at to see what went wrong, and how he could discern if it was his own fault for not being able to lead properly. Equally he wondered if the sub was someone who, despite claims of wanting to submit, was actually someone who refused to genuinely give up control in ways that ultimately became a barrier to building and maintaining a successful, ongoing D/s interaction.

Let me take this moment to say that ANY Dominant, male or female, who desires to improve and become Better as a Dominant INSTANTLY has my respect. As The Crow Academy philosophy states, we are all eternal Students. We can all grow and improve in some way every day, and if this is your attitude towards BDSM and D/s then you are certainly on a Good Path. 🙂

As this particular Dom pointed out, even the strongest, most knowledgable Master cannot lead someone who refuses to follow. He wanted to know how to tell whether or not the key issue was that the submissive was refusing to follow, or if it was his lack of skills and knowledge, or even if the problem was the sub’s lack of coming to terms with her needing to remain in control. All of these are important considerations, amongst others, and good questions to ask when a D/s Relationship begins to falter.

In my answer to this gentleman, I point out that there are, in fact, many kinds of submissive, and finding the right match in terms of skill level and how deeply you both wish to go into D/s can make a world of difference in the longevity of the relationship. I also point out a few key factors that any Dominant needs to consider in appraising a new submissive, as well as a few common Traps to avoid. Lastly I give some tips to help avoid “Dominant burn-out.”

For more information on TRAPS, you will find an entire dedicated section on the subject in the first Crow Academy book, “IGNITING THE FIRE: The Art of Romantic Submission.” Available as both an Ebook as well as a gorgeous, full color, hardback, coffee table edition where every page is a work of art. 🙂

For more information on Dominant Burn-Out and how to avoid it, refer to the Arcane Advice lesson entitled, Top Drop – What It Is, How To Rectify It

Enjoy.

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(My letter to the Gentleman, and advice for Any Dominant ultimately seeking to improve oneself and one’s D/s Art….)

The essence of what happened to you has happened to numerous Dominants of all genders the world over. You entered into a D/s arrangement and it did not work out for a variety of reasons. You truly sought to be at your best but simply came face to face with insurmountable limitations on the goals either of you had in mind. Now is the time for you to take a step back, reflect on what went wrong, and learn from those mistakes so you can become wiser moving forward. You are going to learn to make better choices in the future, and in doing so you will also become more honest with yourself and what is needed for both you and your future submissive to thrive in the D/s Wonderland you will create together.

Above all, DO NOT beat yourself up about this. From what you wrote, mistakes were made on both sides. I sensed a great deal of presumption side-by-side with misinterpretation from both of you on what the other person was capable of providing. This happens, and you can learn from this so that your next negotiation includes far more awareness of what to look for, what to ask for, and what to watch out for in your appraisal of the next person with whom you attempt to create a superior D/s experience.

You will grow from your mistakes, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. What is required is that you are honest about your own blind-spots, acknowledging where you rushed in too fast, taking note of where you could have done better as the Dominant, and becoming aware of the larger parameters that one must evaluate when looking for a submissive partner with whom you can truly build a wonderful D/s Relationship. Every highly experienced Dominant in the world has been there, and it is only from being absolutely honest with ourselves and appraising the errors we made with absolute candor and integrity, are we able to know ourselves better and therefore become equipped to find the genuine, long-term D/s bliss that both the Dominant and the Submissive are ultimately hoping to find.

Never forget that BDSM and D/s are ART FORMS, and as such we can always improve in some way, refining our Art to create ever-greater beauty. Any artist who creates original material will tell you that some days they feel like they are inspired, and other days they feel like they just cannot find their stride. Some days Art will be created of which they are proud, and other days Art will be created which they personally find disappointing to their own appraisal. Imagine that you attempted to create a beautiful painting, but the canvas was not well-constructed, the paints were dried out, and the lighting in the room was too low. Needless to say the result would be disappointing. Would you cease to ever paint again? Of course not. What you would do is improve the lighting and make the effort to find a good canvas and better paints. You would start fresh and you would do your best to do better in your new creation. With a little luck and due diligence holding yourself accountable for what you are creating, that beautiful light of inspiration would appear and let you know that finally you – and your new submissive – are Co-Creating beautiful Art that is worth the effort.

Be the Artist. Learn from your mistakes. Push yourself to do better next time.
Rise From The Ashes.

A few thoughts:

1) To start I would like to explain that there are a variety of different kinds of “submissive” from very light and not at all serious about it, to very deep and devoted for whom only Living The Lifestyle 24/7 will work for them. Your description of the submissive in question reminded me of one or two of the “lighter” levels of submission, where it is not uncommon for these semi-submissives to test the Dominant or even outright disobey because the deeper levels of D/s are not a part of their submissive nature. These kinds of milder, part-time submissives will never work out in deeper, more immersive D/s Relationships.

For more information about Nine Distinct Kinds of Submissive / Bottom / Slave, from lightest to deepest, CLICK HERE

2) As many experienced Dominants will tell you, some semi-submissives come into the whole world of Domination & Submission with a head full of unrealistic fantasies that are never going to happen in reality. These often include notions that can border on being outright destructive, from the utterly vapid and erroneous “Master will take care of me and love me as his perfect pet and all I need to do is meow and sit in his lap,” to “No man will ever dominate me unless he can break me”…. both being recipes for disaster. Equally, these “semi” (or even “pseudo”) submissives sometimes come from badly skewed source-material on what it means to be Submissive. Examples include notions from utterly fictitious origins, ranging from Japanese Anime, to role-playing chat rooms online (a FAR cry from the Real World of D/s), to awful portrayals such as those found in books like “50 Shades.”

Understanding these semi-submissives juxtaposed with much more genuine submissives will help you gauge the range that spans from “No-Way-It’s-Going-To-Work” to “Yes-This-Is-What-Makes-A-Good-Sub.” As mentioned, you can read the Arcane Advice lesson on The Nine Kinds of Sincere Submissive, from extremely light to extremely deep, but even with the deepest level of submission, if the Dominant and the submissive don’t match up relatively well in that regard then it’s also likely to have trouble. In short, a deep submissive needs a deep Dominant, and a light submissive needs a light Dominant.

3) Another principle I have learned to follow is to consider “the stock” from which a new submissive comes. To be absolutely clear, “stock” has nothing to do with social status or looks. If a gorgeous but spoiled pseudo-submissive from Beverly Hills comes prancing through the door full of self-righteous attitudes and narcissistic platitudes about what an amazing submissive she knows she will be, having had zero previous experience, that is in fact unlikely to be “good stock” with which you will be attempting to work your Dominant Art. The trick of course, which may be hard for you if you are new to being a Fetish Dominant (as opposed to being dominant in your vanilla daily life or career), is to know what the warning signs look like. Example: she responds to your instructions with, “Oh yeah I will be great at doing that task for you and that form of service and I am sooo excited to do this….. right after I text my friend back about a great dress I saw today and check my facebook,” she says phone-in-hand while looking at the screen, not you, etc.

I know this sounds obvious – and it IS – but what you must watch for is being so enamored that you let these kinds of warning signs slip past, or even accidentally condone this kind of awful behavior. If you permit gross misbehavior then YOU, the Dominant, are at fault. However, if you discern early on that said submissive comes from “Bad Stock” as described, then you will save yourself a LOT of headaches by keeping the D/s as shallow as the submissive herself.

But what if you still want to play with this barely-submissive person? The answer is that I call such a person a “Play Parter,” and never even consider that she will become my actual long-term submissive. We leave it at that introductory level, perhaps we have some fun BDSM games, and after a given game we part ways and go on about our lives without any further commitment of D/s. If our BDSM games prove mutually satisfying, then we have found a good Play Partner and nothing more. That is, if I can stand her not-particularly-submissive attitudes in the first place (generally speaking I would not waste my time, however that discernment comes with self-confidence, practice, and Knowing Yourself and what your time is worth).

Good Stock on the other hand, is usually accompanied by a calm heart and calm mind within the submissive. They have a sense of WHY Submission is meaningful and powerful to them. You can EASILY see such qualities when she is in her “submissive mode” and serving you, that her mind is focused On You. Her Attention To Detail is noticeable even if not perfect. When she does something for you it’s easy to see that it makes her genuinely happy doing so because she knows she is pleasing you (even if its not her favorite activity). Tiny indicators like calling you by your preferred honorific (e.g. Master, Sir, etc) rolls off her tongue with minimal effort like it’s a natural part of her speech because this is genuinely who you are to her. Her body language will show simple appreciation of the fact that she is able to express her Submissive Soul with you safely. She will talk about Submission in general in a manner that shows she is uplifted by it all. Once the two of you have established quality Trust with each other, she will clearly show a willingness to hand over control to whatever degree the two of you have negotiated. A submissive like this, regardless of which of the Nine Kinds she happens to be, is someone with whom it is a Joy to share your Dominant Art.

Conversely, trying to train someone from “bad stock” on the other hand is almost always going to bring you headaches. Suppose the submissive is “super hot” and “super eager” in the beginning when you first meet such that you have decided that you really want the D/s aspects to work out. As time goes on however, you can see the signs that this is just a trendy activity for her, or that she clearly will only be able to go rather shallowly into Submission. That is when you need to consider that said person might make a better “Play Partner” rather than become your devoted submissive / slave.

A good prospective submissive or slave will clearly be from Good Stock (calm, kind, attentive, you can feel and see that Submission is a blissful desire for them, etc), and again the quality of being from “Good Stock” is all about what you see INSIDE the submissive, regardless of their looks.
I cannot emphasize this enough.

4) Regarding stepping up from being casually Dominant and Submissive with each other to the far greater commitment of becoming Master and slave…
Ask yourself: Were you really shouldering the Responsibility of being her Master? Being someone’s Master is a far greater role than simply being Dominant now and then, just as being someone’s slave is a far greater commitment than simply being submissive now and then. As we teach at The Crow Academy, to be someone’s Master (or Mistress) is all about accepting that you will have a major role in your slave’s life, and that you are prepared to spend a great deal of time and energy training your slave into Good Habits and Harmonious Behaviors, and in general attending to their development as a Human Being. One of the main reasons The Crow Academy exists is to help people navigate these waters and understand the Responsibilities – for BOTH the Dominant and the Submissive – that will come into play when the two of you are reaching for an EXCEPTIONAL D/s Relationship. There is a LOT to learn, so be patient of course, but go into this with an acceptance of the enormous influence you will have on the life of your slave, and the very unique and particular Responsibility that comes with that acceptance.

Let me clarify: It is NOT like you are a surrogate parent – don’t get caught in that trap!!! To be fair to the “Daddy-Dom” kink, some D/s couples negotiate that the Dominant will happily be taking on that exact role (playfully “surrogate” parent here and there), but I heartily do NOT recommend it as a Daily State Of Being. It serves people much better as an occasional Role Play, or a very secondary context vis-a-vis the Primary Orientation of Dominant and Submissive (or Master and slave). Be her Master, not her father – there IS a HUGE difference. Consider, for example, that daughters naturally grow up to Rebel Against and Leave a father….

Regardless, a lot of new Dom/mes do not realize that being someone’s Master or Mistress is a Huge Responsibility. Amongst other things you have to be the one creating the curriculum for the slave. Any experienced Master or Mistress will tell you that failure to give your submissive a curriculum / boundaries / guidance / projects / direction will result in an unfulfilled slave. If they come from Good Stock this is even More the case. Failing to provide said guidance / curriculum for your slave can leave them questioning themselves, you, and the relationship as a whole. In other word, if you are pursuing Master / Mistress and slave, you MUST Step Up and accept all that comes with that level of commitment. This is one reason we tell new D/s couples NOT to start with Master (Mistress)-slave, but to instead to first enjoy a long experience in more relaxed levels of Domination and Submission so the two can be absolutely certain that they are ready and willing to take on the added Responsibilities of Master (Mistress) and slave.

5) While a Master cannot be lazy, you must also be honest about what you need to be in Your Own Best State-Of-Mind. Can you take time for yourself? Yes! Absolutely! You may even have a day here or there where you straight-forwardly tell your slave, “I need an entire day to myself to do my own thing and recharge my batteries, so for this day I would like you to just do your normal duties but also use the day to recharge your own batteries, and pour yourself into things you love to do.” You are not inviting disrespect or intentional misbehavior in the slightest. Rather, you are allowing for a day of personal solitude alongside much, much lighter levels of D/s from either of you. Such a day now and then can work wonders in a 24/7 D/s relationship.

Nonetheless keep the context in mind: This is one day of absolute personal time now and then, and in truth you are both doing this so you can come back to your D/s even better than before. Can you completely drop the ball on a regular basis and stop giving your slave supervision / contact / guidance / attention while assuming that she will soldier forward in submissive excellence? NOPE – that is neglecting your duties as her Dominant / Master, and as such that kind of lazy interaction is also Headed For Failure.

Simply put: If you want to become a Fine Dominant in the world of BDSM, you must never forget that you have Responsibilities.

It’s a fact that being a Fine Dominant can be exhausting sometimes. Nonetheless, if you are like me, even when its exhausting, it’s still wonderfully Passion-Driven, and somewhere beneath all that time and energy that you will expend to be a Fine Dominant you will also be finding enormous personal fulfillment and your own personal joy, in abundance, like any other Artist at work. 🙂

Sincerely,
— Master Arcane