There seems to be some confusion regarding “What is Good Aftercare?” and how that relates to preventing “Sub-Drop.” As many know, Aftercare is an essential part of BDSM play, but what are the causes & conditions of Sub-Drop? In this lesson we clarify the differences, as well as how they overlap. Equally you will learn about how the body naturally processes a BDSM experience, as well as individual factors that can prevent or contribute to Sub-Drop. With good communication and some sensible practices, Aftercare will become easy, and Sub-Drop can be avoided in many cases.
Enjoy.
Aftercare
Aftercare, in its most fundamental form, is about creating a sense of comfort and rest following an intense BDSM scene. Giving someone a glass of water ABSOLUTELY helps clear the endorphins from the blood stream and helps the Sub / Bottom get their feet back on the ground. A blanket and cuddles cause Dopamine release which helps create a “feel good” environment alongside the Oxytocin of cuddling with someone you love. Baths help relax muscles that have been under desired-stress (BDSM) for a while, dilates blood vessels in the surface of the skin (better transport into surface tissues), and in general causes a feeling of well-being.
It should be understood that the human body WANTS to clear endorphins from the bloodstream once the endorphins have served their purpose. It is natural, and although endorphins like Dopamine feel great, it is not the natural state of a normal person for these to remain in the bloodstream past a certain, physiologically normal period of time. When the endorphins are cleared from the bloodstream, the result should be a sense of returning to normalcy, with the usual experience of everyday life.
The more intense a BDSM scene, the more endorphins will get released, as the body tries to compensate for the intensity. This is why some people recover from a BDSM scene more quickly than others, given average physical parameters. If someone is out of shape, or has any sort of concurrent physical condition, this can certainly affect the recovery time. Nonetheless, practices that enhance and encourage this clearing process can make the transition back to normalcy that much smoother and easier.
To the point, there is simply no reason to question basic Aftercare, unless the Bottom / Sub flat out says they do not need nor want it. I will say that I have known many subs who felt this way – that they did not really need Aftercare – as they were super happy / excited / animated by a really good scene, and were ready to hit the dance floor nearly right away! Even for those latter subs I would still absolutely insist they at least drink a glass of water!
Sub-Drop
Sub-Drop on the other hand is very subjective. Is it chemical? e.g. A lack of plain and simple calories can certainly be a problem after a long scene, and can leave a person feeling empty and without energy. Or is it psychological? e.g. the mass of endorphins in the blood stream certainly brings euphoria… and if the sub is “attached” to that bliss they might be left feeling “empty” afterwards psychologically speaking.
The defining qualities of Sub-Drop are often the same. A lack of energy, a fog in the mind (whether from endorphins or stress relief or….), even a potential listlessness. There can also be emotional aspects, like a sense of disconnection, or an extreme neediness (often for the Dom and their presence). Some submissives might even regress somewhat, and turn to comforting items from a younger period in their life, such as the presence of a stuffed animal (aka a “stuffie”) to hold while they come back down to earth. Think of it much like how a person recovers from a flu, with the desire for items, experiences, and even foods that make one “feel better,” albeit on a short term and merely going from the BDSM natural high back to a competent state for everyday activities.
As mentioned, water accelerates the clearing of the endorphins, and hydrates the submissive in general. Many people do not realize how dehydrating BDSM play can be, and proper hydration in general is known to produce a more alert, more “centered” state of being. We are NOT talking about “a sip of water” (even if that is all the the submissive wants to consume immediately after the scene) – we ARE talking about several full glasses of water consumed over the ensuing hours post-scene, and on into the next day. Equally, sound nutrition, and even vitamins, are a very wise move after a heavy night of BDSM play. It is literally putting the chemical building-blocks back into your own body that may have gotten “used up” during that intense play. To some degree the Dominant can oversee the return of hydration and nutrition, but the submissive also has a responsibility to stay on top of such things and replenish their body properly, e.g. when it comes to post-scene nutrition, an orange or some protein is a good idea, while a bunch of candy or chips is a bad idea. Personally, after a long night of play I almost always make myself a protein shake for all my physical exertion, while slave Daphne seeks out something equally nutritious (if I have not commanded her to have a protein shake as well).
For the benefit of understanding what is happening in typical post-scene, post-play moments, one must realize that our beloved Dopamine et al (endorphin) release is due to Autonomic Nervous System stimulation. These “feel good” chemicals have their evolutionary basis in lessening the feelings of perceived “injury” so the animal can make their way to safety. In other words these naturally occurring opiates in the body allow the body to temporarily “feel good enough” to do what is necessary to reach a safer location. Once safety is reached the body wants to be fully re-engaged with reality and clears these chemicals as quickly as possible so the animal can once again make smart decisions about what to do next.
A healthy submissive of normal body weight, good physical condition, and no underlying additional physical or psychological issues, should also be able to rise out of ordinary chemical-based Sub-Drop relatively quickly. Given a physiologically natural time period, the body’s chemistry will re-set back to an everyday state, and the body works very hard to make this happen. A typical, healthy human body clears endorphins from itself in about 30 minutes or less, given that there is no further inducing of endorphins (e.g. more play, etc). For example, consider how long the pain lasts when you stub your toe, and how long it takes for you to not even notice it anymore. That is due to the body producing the endorphins to offset the pain of stubbing your toe, and then removing those endorphins once they have done their job.
Many submissives and Bottoms can return to a “reasonable” state much faster than this. By “reasonable” I mean they can move about freely, perhaps have mild conversations, might grab a bite to eat, etc, perhaps with a bit of a leftover “high” feeling from the endorphins. It does NOT necessarily mean they are ready to drive a car!! A responsible Dominant will assess this contingency, and if the Sub / Bottom has driven themselves to the event, then the responsible Dominant will suggest more time resting before driving, more water, etc.
Beyond The Physical
Sub-Drop as described above contains the purely bio-chemical elements. When you hear about a submissive taking many hours – or even days – to “feel normal again,” there is often an Emotional or Psychological shift that has occurred. For example, the Emotional Bliss / Memory of having had a great time together can last much longer and become quite distracting when the submissive comes back to their job the next day. Equally, feelings of a loss of connection, or being detached from the loving touch of their Dom, or an insatiable craving for more as though they imagine that being in a scene is their new “normal,” can all come from problematic processing of the scene and a denial of their BDSM being a completely – and very intentionally – separate experience from their everyday life. This even applies to people in a 24/7 D/s Relationship.
Nonetheless, not all forms of Sub-Drop are necessarily negative. Some Subs / Bottoms use BDSM to gain a cathartic release versus the stress of normal-life or daily problems. During an intense BDSM scene, they may achieve a catharsis that is so complete that it shakes them to their core and provides profound relief, like an immense weight has been lifted from their shoulders. The recovery time in this kind of situation could feasibly be longer, and the Sub / Bottom could need as long as an hour or so to fully regain composure. Again, common Aftercare practices can absolutely help during this form of Sub-Drop.
If the extended Sub-Drop is due to attachment to a great experience, like any happy memory the attachment to the moment should be kept in perspective…
For example:
• Eagerness for another great scene sometime soon? Sure!
• Fond feelings for the Dominant who provided that experience? Sure!
• A sense of happiness that one’s masochistic desires have been well-met? Sure!
But if the extended Sub-Drop is due to feelings like “Life is no good unless I am in a BDSM scene” then you have an unusual kind of addiction that is NOT good and needs to be re-balanced back into Ground Level, Normal Everyday Life. If you know a Sub / Bottom who expresses this kind of negative attitude after a scene then I assure you there is more going on than merely a bio-chemical shift in their body. Yes the bio-chemical elements are still present, but that is being overshadowed by a deeper psychological situation that we strongly recommend be addressed before further play.
PLEASE NOTE: I you are a Submissive who suffers from ANY kind of physiological or psychological condition that you feel affects – or could affect – your ability to recover after a BDSM scene, you MUST let your Dominant know so they can plan accordingly. This is one of the Responsibilities of the Submissive, and it should be taken very seriously.
A BDSM scene is a particular and unique time period for a very specific genre of activity, and it is never meant to be the basis for navigating everyday life. It is an ecstasy that many enjoy, and like appreciating a good movie or a great musical performance, there is a beginning, a middle and an end to the activity. But for some people, that end is perceived as antagonistic when there is in fact no such antagonism. In these cases the submissive or Bottom might choose to perceive the post-scene experience as an undesired state, rather than see it as a perfectly normal period of transition.
The Responsibilities Of Each
You can say that Sub-Drop is the province of the Submissive / Bottom, while Aftercare is the province of the Dominant / Top. The Dominant is responsible for applying Aftercare, always. The Submissive however is responsible for attending to their Inner Experience and identifying the causes of unusual Sub-Drop. The Dominant is applying what they know helps, but they are not a mind-reader and so the Submissive must COMMUNICATE if they are having any trouble in the post-scene phase. Aftercare comes immediately (or almost immediately) in most cases following a scene, while Sub-Drop in fact is mildly rare and certainly does not happen to everyone.
Aftercare is ALWAYS a good idea (like I mentioned at least a glass of water). Sub-Drop indicates a psychological state of mind, sometimes with physiological implications. Later examination of the Sub-Drop will hopefully reveal any errors that were made leading to the Sub-Drop, such as the aforementioned too few calories before the scene began.
To give perspective on how important these post-scene areas need to be taken into account in preparation for a great night of play, when slave Daphne and I have a long night of BDSM play planned, we often have a big sushi dinner about three hours before we play. This allows us to load up on slow-digesting fish protein for extended energy, and gives us time to digest which then carries us easily for many, many hours into the wee hours of the morning. Proper preparation, including a method to hydrate mid-scene (say via a glass of water with a straw), can help avoid Sub-Drop and make the scene more cohesive and smoother overall. At the very least you can certainly help eliminate factors that could potentially contribute to the physiological side of Sub-Drop.
Lastly, the way a scene is ended can strongly affect the post-scene experience of the Sub / Bottom. This is one reason that at The Crow Academy we STRONGLY recommend never just “stopping” a scene from the peak of the most intense sensations. We always recommend that those peak moments be viewed as more or less the 2/3 mark of the scene, with a full 1/3 of play at the end entirely aimed at progressively lighter and lighter sensations that help the Sub / Bottom come back into their body in a smooth and relaxing manner. 🙂
Then the bondage comes off, we help the Sub / Bottom gently sit or lay down, and we always get them a glass of water. 🙂
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