A novice Dominant posted this question, which reflects what we at The Crow Academy see as a gross misunderstanding of the meaning of these terms on a very deep level. The question was posed as though there was some “magic indicator” that would let a new Dominant flawlessly know this information upon first meeting a new submissive. We often see this misunderstanding crop up, so here is The Crow Academy assessment and guide to eventually answering the question, given Time and Patience.
Enjoy.
First things first:
At The Crow Academy we NEVER assess someone as a “slave” (or as I put it, “slave material”) in the beginning, when we first meet them. This is because we see ALL (100%) of BDSM interactions as Evolving Relationships, and as a kind of Progression. The way we see it, when two people first meet, they are “Play Partners” at best, displaying their roles, preferences, desires and hopeful goals to each other. With proper vetting, the two have a thorough discussion of what they are into, safewords, and limits before they have their first scene. In that first scene, given that the two have well-polarized roles (e.g. a clear Dominant or Top, and a clear Bottom or Submissive for the live encounter), then they MIGHT find that the Dominant’s qualities & desires work well vis-a-vis the submissive’s qualities & desires. Given such, if they so choose, they can then pursue a more overt claim of being each other’s “Dominant & Submissive” in their interactions as their BDSM relationship builds.
It is important to realize that anyone can say anything to impress another person when they first meet, including layers and layers of utter BS. I have lost count of the number of prospective Play Partners and / or self-proclaimed submissives who sat before me and extolled their own eminent virtue as a veritable “O” from “The Story of…”. In literally every single case there was a greater or lesser degree of gross exaggeration, which I quickly stripped away as soon as the first play session occurred. Every time. This is not that surprising as almost anyone has a desire to be impressive when first meeting someone new. One submissive I interviewed had their former “dom” give them the title of “slave” because she performed oral sex on his command… and that was it – thus this became her definition of “slave.” Another woman met me and claimed she wanted to train, but never, ever showed up for even a single day of training, ever… yet she ran around the local community telling everyone that she was my slave (without the slightest agreement, permission or consent from me for her to be doing so… Ugh 😀 )
The point is that even if someone tells you that in their own estimation they are perfect slave-material, it really does not mean anything. Your own estimation and assessment as a Dominant is the only evaluation that counts, which is why we always recommend you Start Slow. Even if they have a good reputation in the local community and vetting went well, we strongly recommend you still take the time to REALLY see who this person is and how deeply or lightly their submission flows. Starting slowly and lightly (even if you both decide to ramp up quickly) allows you, the Dominant, to get a ton of first-hand information about the genuine “levels” and actual proclivities of the submissive, and match their words with your ensuing personal experiences of them.
After acknowledging this phenomenon myself, it eventually became easier for me to ‘pump the brakes’ when the conversation went in that direction (braggadocio) and I gently got the newcomer to slow down and represent themselves more accurately. 🙂
Back to The Crow Academy process:
Moving forward, after the D/s Interaction looks good and flows well over time, the two – the Dominant and the Submissive – can more formally declare that they wish the interaction to be more than just D/s Play Partners, and that they mutually wish to expand it into a proper D/s Relationship. EVEN THEN, the submissive is merely that – just a submissive – and only over time can that deepen enough to where one day the Dominant might want to offer the submissive a Slave Collar or M/s Contract. Assuming the submissive desires the same, they can then take their first steps together into Master (Mistress) & slave.
It should be noted that there is absolutely NO mandatory requirement that any D/s Relationship “needs” to progress into a full 24/7 M/s Relationship. Anyone who says otherwise (“arrrgh grrr…real d/s is always 24/7!! arrrgh grrr…” etc) is perpetuating a destructive myth. In fact the truth is that the 24/7 M/s Relationship is absolutely NOT for everyone! MANY D/s couples find perfect attunement staying in their smoothly functioning D/s roles and NOT taking on the extra mantle of Master (Mistress) & slave, as becoming M/s dramatically increases the Responsibility of Both. Both might have time-consuming careers, or they may have a family to take care of, etc. The reasons to NOT move into M/s can be many and varied. As such, couples who have these additional normal-life circumstances could well find that 24/7 M/s overloads them, and so they do not make that jump. That is perfectly valid, as valid as any other form of D/s, including the Collar-On, which specifically sets aside a time and place for the couple’s D/s to occur, when the hard reality is that their lives do not allow more than that set aside period. Again all of these are 100% Valid Options when figuring out What Works Best For The Two Of You.
Effectively, at The Crow Academy, a “slave” is the Black Belt of submissives. They have thoroughly proven themselves and the deep passion of their desire to submit to their Dominant. They have performed exceptionally in their submission over enough time – typically several months at the least – such that the Dominant has had time to verify that the submissive’s intentions are genuine, that the submissive is not just doing this because its “trendy,” and that the submissive has the integrity and a lifestyle that allows them to take their submission onto the deepest level, becoming a slave.
Some submissives might never “fit” the criteria of what makes for a fine slave, and the exceptionally focused & committed role of “slave” might never be appropriate for them. For example, I once had a submissive who did not live with me but who I still saw often for about 10 months. She genuinely tried to reach for her own personal best in submission, what many would see as an “adequate” level for light-hearted D/s. After months of having fun BDSM scenes together, and training her as best as I could in The Crow Academy style of D/s, it was quite clear that she was going to be unable to achieve that level of submissive excellence that I require before I formally offer someone a Slave Collar of M/s Contract. She had found her personal level of submission that worked for her, but there were too many inconsistencies, hurdles, and ‘glitches’ such that offering her an M/s Contract or Slave Collar would just be overloading her, and inviting headaches for myself. Thus she stayed as my casual submissive in a capacity that matched her ability to express and immerse in her own appropriate level of submission. This moderate level of submission – and my concurrent lowered expectations – was far better suited to her capability of performing well (effectively a Collar-On). Although we did have some enjoyable experiences together, she simply was not wired to be a slave.
As the saying goes, It Takes Two To Tango, and equally the Dominant has to have assessed within themself that they have the time, the commitment, the energy, and so much more, to devote it all to the training and guidance of the one who will become their slave. This is simply ethical, aka not biting off more than you can chew as a Dominant, because transforming from passionate Domination & Submission into Master (Mistress) & slave is a VERY BIG STEP at The Crow Academy, and is not to be taken lightly. If you as the Dominant do not feel that you have the time, energy, passion and desire to accept that added level of Responsibility to become someone’s Master or Owner… then Don’t Do It! Save yourself the headaches of biting off more than you can chew, and RELAX into a level of Dominance that makes both you and your submissive genuinely happy. Be Yourself. 🙂
The raw COMMITMENT from BOTH the Dom and the Sub jumps up Dramatically when the two sign that M/s Contract or when that Slave Collar is given and accepted. The RESPONSIBILITY of both increases in regards to the fact that they have formalized their M/s Garden and both MUST do their parts to keep that M/s garden flourishing. 24/7 M/s only works when both people absolutely enjoy and are fully committed to the M/s interaction as a whole, and when at the end of the day it brings both people a sense of happiness and connection. If one person wants 24/7 M/s and the other does Not Want It, then it Will Not Work, and the two will need to settle into some level of Domination & Submission at a milder level which works better for the two of them.
How We At The Crow Academy Suggest You Proceed:
1. We recommend you start with a clear and open perception and congruent assessment of the new person as merely a Play Partner until your roles, limits, desires, and available time – not to mention simple Compatibility which is never to be underestimated – are all made clear with each other.
2. THEN you play with the established roles of Dominant & Submissive, and you take that as deeply or as lightly as you want. Many D/s Couples stay in this area for all aspects of their D/s Relationship indefinitely… and that’s fine. 🙂
3. LASTLY, if you BOTH feel that “Master (Mistress) & slave” is the only reality that will take you both to your highest bliss after a LOT of exploring as just Dominant & Submissive together, THEN you can discuss the Very Big Step of becoming Master (Mistress) & slave together. Make sure you are both on the same page, and take your time to iron out a smooth Negotiation before that Slave Collar is given or that M/s Contract is signed.
As we mentioned not all submissive’s are “slave material.”
Or to put it more simply:
“All slaves are submissive, but not all submissives are slaves”… and that’s A-OK. 🙂
Our short YouTube video on the subject (must be signed in)…
Compatibility is everything in this type of relationships. When a sub is missing things, it could be a number of things. Their learning style, the way they process information, laziness or their own lack of application, disinterest or losing interest, and it simply could be they are incompatible with that Dom/Master. Some folks are not dominant material, and some self-proclaimed “submissives” are in fact not particularly submissive.