A sincere submissive who had explored High Protocol D/s for a few years and loved it but who was still relatively new to this part of herself wrote to me with an intriguing question. She had been in a 24/7 with a Master of notable quality but with whom she had to part ways due to the two of them moving apart to different cities. Thereafter she landed a job which, like many jobs, contained a very strict hierarchy within a very high-responsibility environment. She wrote to me wondering why her draw towards submission was still so strong and why experiences of the command-structure within her job only seemed to make her crave a vastly deeper level of submission that much more. I smiled at this question because it really taps into an understanding that will always be valuable to know about oneself. My answer reflects a basic truism regarding any member of the greater global BDSM and D/s Community who has experienced genuinely “finding themselves” within any formal, high quality BDSM or D/s structure, whether that is a BDSM-Fetish Society, a regular BDSM-Fetish Club, or within the Embrace of an impeccable Master.
Enjoy.
It is time to look back at the Basics of your submissive nature. Your submissive craving is triggered so strongly when your job barely tickles that side of you because your submissive heart is a natural part of you, and always has been. It is a very real thing, almost like the stories you hear about vampire or werewolf societies – they are people, but they are something quite different as well. I have often thought that people like us, people into BDSM, D/s, Fetish are like a variant species of human, a Dimorph of the Human Race if you will. We look the same as vanillas on the outside, but we are not the same as the vanillas on the inside. We require something very powerful, very treasured, very special to find our own personal fulfillment.
The fact that you only discovered this submissive aspect to yourself in the last few years is like how natural-born werewolves in some stories do not discover they are a werewolf until either after puberty or until some special event happens. But you were drawn to it….VERY drawn to it. Like a magnet inside you pulling you forwards. That is a beautiful journey of self-discovery, like discovering a secret strength inside of you.
There was even a study where they found that people into BDSM do in fact have a slightly different body chemistry. “Our Species-Variant” (BDSM folks) are much like mountain climbers and race car drivers in that we require a higher level of stimulation (serotonin?) to achieve our own personal “Zen.” So in fact we ARE a variant of the Human species, and we are naturally drawn to find our Complement – one of our own Kind who will allow this exquisite BDSM and D/s side of ourselves to blossom into its fullest form. 🙂
The next item to consider is how much you crave being pushed to your limits, and how the work place hierarchy will only do this so much. From what I understand about your situation, you will rarely find your limits truly being pushed within your job. As you described, you “secretly enjoy being told what to do” and at the same time the commands you are given in a work environment 100% fall under a list of activities you agreed to follow upon taking the job – they never really test you past the clearly established job description, especially in a field where precision is so necessary. So technically you are not really pushing your own boundaries at work, nor are your superiors at the job even particularly concerned about this. This may be where you feel your conflict/craving and a desire to Go Farther.
A question you may wish to ask yourself:
“Am I enjoying this [being commanded in the work environment] and wanting more only because it is all Easily Digestible material and activities of which I am being instructed / commanded / asked?”
OR
“Am I enjoying this but it feels like I want so much more – to be PUSHED to do things that are hard for me, to be pushed to expand my boundaries [at least much more regularly]?”
The former scenario is of course quite safe and easy, and increase in activity or intensity still falls well within the very Known Parameters of your job description. The latter however, means that your sense of wanting more is because the current parameters of your job are definitely not pushing you to grow in the numerous new – and intense! – ways you used to do on a regular basis when you were with your former Master.
Think of it like training in the gym — if you do a healthy workout but the same workout all the time, it is well known that you will “plateau” and cease to really grow and expand as an athlete. You will attain health, certainly, but you will not Push To The Next Level.
Therefore, to get to a higher level of health in the gym, you must “Shock The System” i.e. change up the workout, cross-train, try new things, push your muscles and your cardio in new ways. That way you are always pushing your system to have to work hard, and the results are superior growth in your athletic ability. This is very well documented, and a good reason why MANY athletic programs have the person focus on their main sport / favorite sport, but also have them workout in completely different ways as well – keep the system “shocked” and working hard to get the best and most intense results. 🙂
So maybe whats happening at work is that the hierarchy and the command system you are now under is like a simple “workout” for your submissive soul, but you are craving that change-up, that “shock” to the system. You want someone (a Fine Dom) to push you to a much higher level of intensity which would cater to that part of you that both craves this intensity as well as the same part which is eager to flourish at that level. Not stimulating yourself on that “shock-the-system” level means you are simply in a sort of “extra-lite maintenance-mode” as far as your submissive nature goes, and of course no work hierarchy is ever even close to the intensity and push of True, Formal, High-Protocol D/s. 🙂
Last but not least….
To fulfill this submissive soul of yours, especially coming from a background of knowledge regarding Fine D/s, it is also always important to “Train with a Fine Coach” (extending the gym metaphor). You are knowledgeable enough in all of this to know the difference between a newbie, a wannabe, a phony, an amateur (regardless of how well-intentioned they may be) and a Fine Dom.
In the course of an athlete’s training, once they have experienced the Fine Wine of expert coaching they will always notice the shortcomings of any lesser coach. For example, a FINE Coach will spot the subtle nuances of something as small as improving efficiency merely by altering the angle at which one places one’s foot when stepping (speaking from personal experience). When the same athlete has to train with what is “merely available” i.e. a lesser coach, they may appreciate having some guidance but they will recognize when the lesser coach fails to spot an obvious error, fails to correct an obvious mistake, etc. In short, the knowledgeable athlete will know they are not really living up to / being pushed towards their highest potential. In your case this equates to being pushed to your personal ecstasy within submission, which was already pushed quite far by your former Master. Lesser “Coaches” (Doms) will be much like the way you feel at your job now – nice but not really fulfilling. It is not their fault (unless they are complete phonies) as they simply lack experience and knowledge that is congruent and complementary to yours. This is one of the main reasons that experienced subs seek experienced Doms, and why sometimes a newbie sub and newbie Dom who are already in a relationship will have an awesome time as the two learn together – neither feels intimidated by the experience of the other. Of course a newbie sub can also learn and grow massively from an experienced Dom, as is often the case, and assuming the Dom fully accepts the Responsibility of such a circumstance the environment can become one of fantastic self-realization and mutual joy for the submissive and the Dom both (True Masters never stop learning and growing themselves).
To make the metaphor of the Coach-and-the-Knowledgeable-Athlete clearer let me draw from my personal experience, as it all parallels one reason why I am soooo very picky about my own Personal Trainers (PT) in the Gym. Bottom line, in California I had one of the best PT’s in the world. I CAN workout with a less experienced, less knowledgeable PT, but I don’t take it as seriously. I have tasted the Fine Wine of PT’s, the $300 bottle so-to-speak, and lesser PT’s are nice but I know I won’t get the same extreme perfection / immersion / knowledge base / guidance / coaching as I got with that truly exceptional PT in California.
Its like Wine. Once you have become accustomed to the taste of a $300 bottle of perfect wine on a regular basis, its hard to settle for mere $20-$50 bottles, and “box” wine is definitely out of the question. 😉
Have fun, stay safe, and try to find a Fine Coach. 🙂
Sincerely,
— Arcane
I completely identify with the message regarding born submissives/slaves. I enjoy making others happy. So there may be some truth as well to the idea of having only one person that I absolutely MUST submit to rather than finding yourself submitting to everyone around you because you have no outlet.
My problem is that I was lucky enough to find a talented Dominant to be my first, but not romantically as he already had a girl. This became frustrating because I could not enjoy the full experience that I knew within myself was possible without having experienced it yet. I was being trained so that I would know and understand protocol, but I took to it to the point that he saw what I didn’t. That I could and would easily become slave so long as trust, love and respect remained unchanged.
This realization I received tonight because I had become confused about how I should identify myself. I’ve been sub, switch, Top, back to switch. True anyone has both sides inside of them, but my life requires me to be both all the time which is very stressful. I have to ride the line and I believe that this is really what is causing me to be unhappy.
I just came out of a year long engagement where I realized and had to accept that my partner was less Dominant than I was. I knew what I wanted and he didn’t, which also caused a greater rift. He was also much more vanilla, but it’s hard not to give love a chance when you do find it as it is so rare. But that compounded my frustrations to the point of ruining the respect and trust (basic building blocks of any relationship). I knew it was over before we agreed it was over.
The Wine statement is absolutely true. I’ve tasted that $300 bottle of wine and felt that perfect temperature bath. But once again, he was not for me. So, even though I tasted souls intertwined in a spiritual dance both within and outside of my body while being whipped the energy was so intense; it lasted but a moment and then I had to reel my slave back in, trying to stop myself from falling in love with the only one I’ve ever found who can fulfill that deep need to be pushed to the edge, reeled back in a bit, and then pushed even further on the edge.
I can only continue to hope that somewhere in the universe exists the Dom for me. I am lost without Him.
I have always felt the need to serve, so this idea of being a born submissive or born slave has been explored quite a bit.
A normal lifestyle is my outside layer to the world, my submissive real side is the one I am more satisfied with.
There is truth in the message, is it the structure we crave. I don’t know.. Just feel forced into a vanilla role to survive, but doesn’t meet my needs.