A very sincere submissive wrote to me recently about reconnecting with a former Dom with whom there had been a problematic parting of ways in the past. Amongst the issues that had come up previously were areas connected to the submissive’s PTSD and Face Slapping (a common kinky practice and turn-on for many). Trust had apparently been broken, always a big issue. Nonetheless she began to talk with him again, and while he seemed like he had grown and matured himself, he was also describing wanting to venture back into territory that made her nervous about reconnecting with him.
In my answer I point out a few KEY FACTORS that a maturing Dominant MUST be aware of, especially in the realm of PTSD or other psychological issues on the part of the submissive. I also take a few minutes to tear down what I consider to be an unhealthy attitude from new Dominants who still like to describe Training as “breaking” a slave, an attitude that I consider to be inherently destructive. Instead I offer the alternative perspective of what it means to “Nurture” a slave with a win-win attitude for all involved.
Enjoy
My first thought is that you are getting subtle mixed messages from him.
On one hand he says he will be more conscientious of you and your deep feelings, but then he asks about the face slapping, which you explained already is not one of your kinks, and says he wants to “break you.” He offers one hand openly and warmly, but the other hand is behind his back and you are sensing a future of things you did / do not like.
My personal trigger is around the word “break,” as in “breaking” the slave. I recognize that headspace from Doms. A group of my peers and I had a long discussion about the idea of “breaking” a slave, and our conclusion was that it was a bad analogy and should be avoided as any kind of description. It sets up the Dom to be unnecessarily aggressive in certain settings, and presupposes that the submissive is inherently flawed. Without going too much into depth psychology about it, we all agreed that metaphors of Nurturing, e.g. like trying to grow complicated roses in a garden, were better ways to perceive a submissive’s training.
One of my personal greatest lessons as a Dominant (yes I am still learning, and I hope I always will be), was incorporating something from THE SECRET into my style. In only a single sentence when they are talking about Relationships in general, the guy says, “Focus on what you love / like about the person and you will get more of that.” Now while I can admit that this too could be reduced to a platitude and be denounced as too vague, the general principle seems to be true. Even with my own excellent slave who is also a good person in general, but like anyone will still occasionally make mistakes, I spend 99% of my personal focus on her by paying attention to What She Does WELL. When she is being a perfect pet who does what I expect of her, I make it Crystal Clear how pleased I am. This is often a small But Very Important gesture. A hug, a sincere kiss, etc. I make it very clear when I am pleased and — Key Point Here — I try to give her LOTS of opportunities to SUCCEED. I show clear appreciation when she does. My focus upon her is that I look for The Best in her.
When she does go off in error, I put my foot down right away, apply the correction (verbal, instructional, etc), allow her to adjust…. and then I Get Back To Focusing On What She Does Right & Well. Less and less do I focus on what is wrong (after addressing & correcting the error of course), and I have come to see that this “letting go of a focus on the negative” is a key factor in D/s Happiness. In no way do I let her errors slide or whitewash them, but there is no part of me that goes around looking for her to make a mistake / looking for her flaws. I know all about the mistake of that “looking for what’s wrong” headspace and I vehemently do NOT recommend it!
What I DO recommend is quite the opposite. A good Dom needs to spend MOST of his attention Seeing What Is Great / Beautiful / Awesome about his slave (again given that she is behaving well and performing her duties as expected / negotiated). The fact is that this is a Happier headspace for the Dom too! It is indeed a win-win headspace. 🙂
Now compare this to focusing on What Is Wrong to such a degree that the Dom feels the sub needs to be “broken”….
A few key thoughts:
1) The term “breaking” comes from Horse Training. I know horse trainers. Breaking a horse is in fact a GENTLE process and cannot be rushed. During the “breaking process” the horse receives a LOT of affection, NEVER abuse!
2) One of the WORST mistakes a Dom can make is to think they can actually “Fix” a damaged slave. As a psychologist myself, I learned that you NEVER work on your own friends and family. True “Recovery” from any actual trauma or PTSD is ONLY handled by an unrelated, outside Professional (or support group – I actually cover this in my book). I have had slaves with PTSD, and thank god I knew enough to tell them they needed to go see a proper therapist. I made it part of their duty to me, that in taking care of their own psyche they were behaving properly as my slave and “taking care of my property.”
A Dom can Most Certainly be The Best Support System EVER for a slave who is going through therapy of almost any kind. We can love the slave and make it clear how proud we are that she is reaching out to improve herself / her mind / her confidence, etc. If she is having a bad time we can be there to hold her and console her when she is having a genuine struggle (e.g. with trauma from her past being dredged up). In fact I have a special safeword for this kind of incident (“Pink”), say when a role play triggers something too close to a bad experience from their past and they start to go into PTSD shock (fyi, sometimes no matter how good a Dom is we just do not see these kinds of moments coming, a matter especially complicated when a sub does not disclose the whole truth about a traumatic past).
What is important in my honest opinion is that you are completely open about your own PTSD, and that he does not try to whitewash it. Also that you are serious about your own Recovery / Healing. Explain to him that what you need is Professional assistance in this regard, and that you are not asking him to “Fix” you (he can’t – it will just lead to disaster and more heartbreak if he thinks he can – I can pretty much promise you this).
Lastly, you need to be VERY VERY CLEAR about your Hard Limits. Before you so much as share a coffee, you need a CRYSTAL CLEAR ACCEPTANCE from him where he personally states in no uncertain terms that he is going to Respect your Hard Limits. You need to make it clear that the reason it is a HARD Limit and not a Soft Limit is that it is NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION, not now, not ever (unless you PERSONALLY change your mind ON YOUR OWN without his influence). You mention Face Slapping in this regard. Face Slapping is a TRIGGER for MANY submissives who came from any kind of physically abusive childhood. It is a rather common Hard Limit in fact. Yes, many subs love having their face slapped, and a good friend of mine even taught me about Face Slapping as a whole art unto itself with understandings about it far beyond what I already knew (rather amazing actually). Obviously you are of the former and not the latter.
But the bottom line is that if you are one of the people for whom Face Slapping is a Hard Limit, then that is the end of the discussion. No amount of his trying to “break” that out of you will work. Again the KEY WORD is “Hard” Limit. If you were open to trying it after trust is built, then it becomes a “Soft” Limit, but YOU would state that; it is not something for him to decide.
(*CLICK HERE for more about Hard Limits vs Soft Limits*)
There are a Thousand Ways To Play in the BDSM Universe, so as long as he does not have “Face Slapping is a MUST” as one of his own hard limits, then he can certainly find other ways for the two of you to play.
It sounds like he needs to “soften up” his attitude towards you, see you as someone to Nurture, not “break.” If he is going to be your Dom then his focus should be on Seeing You Become More Beautiful and Happier (within your own role of serving him and your proper duties as his slave if / when you go there). If he is thinking long term, which in all honesty I think a Dom should always do with any committed D/s Relationship (as opposed to people who openly declare “we’re just play partners”), then he needs to find that place in himself where he is Visualizing you becoming more and more amazing as his beloved slave every day. That means him visualizing more smiles, love, and happiness for both of you, all within the Wonderful World of D/s. These are the kinds of personal Guiding Visions that lead a good Dom into making smart and healthy choices for the D/s Relationship itself. I expect you would be visualizing the same: more and more happiness as Dom and sub, and then finding ways to make that a reality. 🙂
One GREAT perspective I learned from a fellow Dom was this:
The Master commands and guides the slave.
The slave serves the Master.
Both the Master & the slave serve The Relationship.
There is no loss of Dominance in the above. In fact it means the Dom seriously SEEKS to figure out what will make the Relationship STRONGER, as does the submissive, and that is the kind of thinking that leads to relationship longevity. 🙂
Hope this helps. 🙂
All the best,
— Arcane
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