Building healthy self-esteem is a subject that I feel is incredibly important, and it often comes up with our female clients. While I wrote with women in mind, I genuinely believe people of any gender can learn something from these successes.
It’s always a honor to contribute to Arcane Advice. Thank you for reading and enjoy. 🙂
(You can read Part 1 Here: The Puzzle of Self Esteem by Master Arcane)
Self esteem issues are something that plagues not just submissive women, but women of all backgrounds. I personally don’t struggle with self esteem issues but I used to when I was younger and have put in a lot of work into loving myself the way I am. I’ve learned to put my self-worth into things that I’m proud of, such as who I am as a person or the things that I’ve accomplished. Conversely, I avoid putting all my self worth into what I look like. It’s okay to love physical features about yourself, but the important part is to understand that you are more than what you look like.
Society and contemporary media (social media, magazines, television, etc) likes to mislead women into believing that our worth is solely in our looks, but also likes to tell us that we’re never enough…especially for advertising. It’s how they make their sale, by telling women, “you aren’t beautiful unless you buy and use this product.” It is utter nonsense and leads to a lot of hardship in our culture. I have met some stunningly beautiful women who think they are ugly and it absolutely boggles my mind. It can be difficult to unlearn this deeply seated conditioning but it’s undoubtedly worth it.
The first thing I recommend doing is pay attention to how you talk about yourself. Do you find yourself looking in the mirror and thinking or saying mean things? Do you berate yourself and call yourself names when you make a mistake? Do you use a lot of self deprecation either in earnest or in jest?
If you do, you should Stop Immediately. How you talk to yourself will shape how you feel about yourself. If you wouldn’t say these kinds of things to your Master or Mistress, then don’t say them to yourself either. It’s also important to understand that when you speak badly about yourself, you are speaking ill of your Dominant’s Property. When your Dominant says that you are beautiful, you should take their words seriously and don’t contradict them, even in your mind. Master Arcane addresses this in his book, “Igniting The Fire: The Art of Romantic Submission” when he talks about the Trap known as “Villain Complex”…and the short version is that if you ignore the loving and affectionate appraisal from your Dominant you will be creating a false-negative impression that will not be doing anyone any good.
It may take some time to recognize these negative thought patterns and that’s alright. When you catch yourself in this headspace, just remember to think of something nice instead. Once you learn to stop using negative language to speak about yourself, it’s time to start replacing those thoughts with positive ones. For example, I have bad days like anyone else where I look in the mirror and don’t feel my best. But instead of thinking, “ugh, I look like crap,” I make a point to think something that I like about myself like, “I’m a great submissive” or “I love my creativity” and then walk away from the mirror.
Try to think of something different each time and try not to say the same thing twice in one week. To help with this process, write down a list of things you love about yourself and try to add as many as you can and remember them. This can also be a list you refer to when you aren’t feeling great and can serve as a nice little pick me up. This list can also be used for Daily Affirmations as they are also a good way to improve your self esteem. I know it may seem silly, but looking at yourself in the mirror and saying positive things about yourself does work. Try to do them every day some time after you wake up. Or if you just want to say them whenever you look in the mirror, that works too. Another way to use the “mirror trick” that Master Arcane taught me, is that whenever you are feeling down and there is a mirror nearby, only glance very quickly into the mirror and demand of yourself that you find One Single Positive thing that you like. It really could be anything – the way the lighting is on your skin, or the curve of your neck, or an appreciation of your make up, or maybe even just the brightness of your eyes that day. Honestly anything. But the most important part is that the split-second you see that one positive thing… immediately look away from the mirror and walk away. Don’t give the mirror a second glance, or if you do then it means you must find a second positive thing. The idea is that when you walk away after finding that one positive thing, it will stick in your mind like a healthy, happy seed and grow into good feelings. Try it… it really works.
All in all, just remember to be gentle with yourself. You will have off days but that’s okay, you are human and not one single person is perfect. Your looks have absolutely no bearing on your value as a person. It’s what you do and who you are that truly matters.
— slave Daphne
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