Submissive Burn Out –
When The Sub Feels They Cannot Do Enough

A devoted submissive wrote to me asking about a kind of burn-out that any submissive can experience when they feel like they just cannot do enough for their Dominant. My answer was far less straight-forward than you might expect since burn-out like this can come from any number of areas both internal to the submissive as well as externally from the Dom. In my answer I cover a wide variety of possibilities and ask the submissive to take a good deep look inside herself to both reflect on her own motivations as well as to keep an eye out for some commonly overlooked issues that can nonetheless POWERFULLY and negatively affect a situation….

Enjoy.

---

It sounds like a key component to the issue is Your Own expectations about what you are “supposed” to be doing.

My first question is:
Do your real actions correlate with the demands, commands and orders from your Dom? It is not uncommon for a sub to experience burn-out if they make the mistake of inviting what I call “The Erroneous Second Dom Inside Your Mind.”
Case-In-Point: most D/s couples have ONE DOM. Not two, not three.
Guess what? That includes any Imaginary Doms inside your mind.

OK, so what the hell am I talking about, aye? 😀
If you are familiar with the Super Ego from Freudian Psychology, you will know that the Super Ego is comprised of all the voices of parents and teachers and leading peers from your past, all jumbled and mixed together and providing you with a very 2-Dimensional and dogmatic inner voice of what is right and what is wrong. For a person to “Self-Actualize” they MUST break away from the Super Ego and discover a much deeper Personal sense of right and wrong, a personal ethics.

The Erroneous Inner Dom Problem of the submissive is a similar creation of the mind, often being a mix of ANY Authority Figure from your past, any actual experience from ALL Doms you have had in your life, and also a whole bunch of idealized concepts about D/s sometimes gleaned from books, movies and other sources. The result can be a very UNREALISTIC “Perfect Dom” in your mind who in fact has zero bearing on Reality. Consider the famous saying “the map is not the territory.” On top of that, this personalized definition of “Perfect Dom” is even further from actual living perfection because this erroneous-inner-dom problem is usually wrapped in a quagmire of 2-dimensional concepts stemming from the pseudo-morality of the Super Ego.

This is one reason I teach my slave to pay very careful attention that she NOT read into the words I speak. I am a very literal person – I say what I mean and mean what I say. If I give a command to my slave I do NOT want my words edited, rewritten, reinterpreted, etc. As I describe in my forthcoming book, when I say “Go to the market and buy some oranges within the hour” that means I want my slave to head to the market [*not the shopping mall*] and buy some oranges [*not some apples*] within 60 minutes [*not in 2 hours*]. Otherwise I would have said, “go to a store and buy some fruit within the next few hours.” Small difference? Nope – HUGE difference. Why? Because I am extremely conscious of the words I speak.

Therefore, it is best to assume that your own Dom has chosen their words JUST AS CAREFULLY. Do not edit, do not reinterpret, do not rewrite. This does not mean you cannot respectfully offer a better suggestion or solution, as long as you understand that any good Dom probably knows exactly what he wants. You can say, “Sir, the shopping mall has much sweeter oranges – may I go there? I think you’d like them better.” In that case you are being a fine submissive and seeking to take what is good and make it better for your Dom – excellent behavior. But always-always-always be ok / fine / prepared for your Dom to Turn Down your suggestion or solution as he may well have already thought it through and know EXACTLY what he wants. A good Dom will be open to your intelligent, thoughtful, and kind suggestions and see you as a trusted advisor, especially after you show him you can be such. This does not mean he will always act on the advice you give him – that is his prerogative. For example, he may already have considered the shopping mall oranges but prefer to support the organic farmers at the market. There should be no overt reason he would need to hide his additional information from you on any regular basis, though he may not state it up front. In some cases he may chose not to share the additional information and just say “I prefer the market.” Again that is his prerogative. Good Communication would suggest that it would benefit both of you if details are clear, although again not every command needs detailed explanation. If he says, “I want you to get my shirts dry-cleaned today” it is a pretty straight forward statement. You do not really require much additional explanation, although you could ask for clarification to fulfill his request expertly, i.e. is there a cleaner you prefer? Which shirts? Should I get even your T-shirts dry cleaned? Some of these questions might occur every time [*which shirts*] while others would probably only ever be asked once [*only dry-clean the T-shirts by Armani; all other T-shirts always go into regular wash*]. Still another time he may issue an order such as “wait for me in the dungeon in Position 17” and leave it at that. In such a case there is so little room for interpretation that it is easy for the submissive to simply head to the dungeon and stand in position 17 and wait for the Dom (or whatever position he tells you).

Back to your original question, my response is a question, one of self-examination. How often do you find yourself INTERNALLY reinterpreting, editing, or rewording the commands of your Dom, even slightly? That is DEFINITELY a bad habit to break.

My next question is even more to the point:
Pursuant to the concepts presented here, how often do you find yourself listening to some “inner voice” that is telling you how to please your Dom even though he did not ask for these things? Even More So, does that inner voice get IRRITATED inside you when you are NOT doing those Extra Things?? THAT is the Real Question.

If you find yourself doing nice things for your Dom from your heart then that is wonderful. If, on the other hand, you find there is something INSIDE you – NOT your actual Dom and not his actual words – that is getting “upset” with you…. or as is often the case Making You Feel As Though Your Dom Is Upset With You even though he has not actually said anything and is not even directly connected to your inner choices by way of any actual actions or words of his own, then my dear, you have a case of “The Erroneous Second Dom Inside Your Mind.”

First thing is first: stop listening to any “Dominant” voices in your mind that even remotely sound like your real Dom but that are in fact NOT ACTUAL WORDS your real Dom has spoken. It sounds pedantic, doesn’t it? Maybe even trivial. But in truth the mistake of listening to the erroneous-inner-dom is the first step in a Looonnngggg Downward Spiral into what I call Villain Complex, wherein you start creating false realities inside your mind that begin to create Division between you and your Dom, but which in fact are NOT based on reality.

Please understand that these are all VERY SUBTLE mechanisms of the mind. You really need to stop and take a good look inside, and quite often you must Catch Yourself In The Act to even begin to grasp how subtle these inner complications can be. I am happy to tell you that once you learn to spot them however it becomes MUCH easier to avoid them.

To bring this full circle, your words, “feel like I can’t do enough” could quite possibly mean that somewhere there is an IDEA of a whip-cracking Dom in your mind telling you that you need to do more. Truth is very simple in this matter – are you doing the exact things your Dom is asking? Are you doing extra things From Your Heart OR are you doing extra things because you feel you “must or you will not be doing enough” based only on an inner voice that is NOT the voice of your Dom?

These are the FIRST questions you need to ask yourself.

Now lets move on.
The flip side to all of this is when you ARE doing EVERYTHING your Dom is asking of you exactly as he asks, and somehow he is just never pleased and he IS actually sharing his continuous displeasure with you. This is an altogether different situation.
In this latter scenario there are deeper issues going on.
Consider:
Are his demands getting progressively more difficult with less and less reward for your successes? Do you ever get the sense that he is trying to drive you away by setting impossible tasks? That he is trying to “break” you like a ranch hand breaks a horse?
My first piece of advice here is:
DON’T PANIC 😀

Sometimes there CAN be a strategy behind ALL such behaviors from a Dom….. sometimes. For example, if your relationship is new, he could be testing – the actual term is “ranging” – to see where your real limits are, as often submissives will not give an accurate report of their limits until tested. My personal style will push my slave’s limits in an organic fashion that tends towards a steady-but-gentle-and-continuous push to establish where her very real limits are. But that is only my style, and other Doms sometimes push in a more straight-forward and militaristic fashion. My usual style I will admit is more time-consuming for both people whereas the more militaristic styles can often yield a faster appraisal. However, not all submissives are cut out for the militaristic styles. Equally I have known submissives who would get bored when a Dom did not push them to their limits fast enough – such a sub needed that level of intensity. It is a very individual and personal measure, like ranging your partner’s sadism or masochism. I personally lean towards better safe than sorry, but I have known submissives who wanted to engage in Edge Play (Extreme S&M and Mindfuck games) on the very first date and that was great IN THAT CASE. “Different strokes for different folks,” as they say. 🙂
Could your experience of your Dom’s hardened edge be a part of a militaristic style that is not working for you at this time? If this is the case you need to talk about it with him. Happily, adaptations are not that hard to make in such a case, whether that means him making you more prepared for his style or lightening his style temporarily or you buckling down now that you have a better idea of the lay of the land.

All things considered, if your Dom is actually expressing displeasure in MANY areas of his life – not just with you – he may be going through some hard times. No, it is not ok for him to vent on you or take out his issues on you any more than it would be ok for you to have a bad day and vent it by being insolent to your Dom. What makes for a successful D/s Relationship is the ability to become a Dominant-submissive TEAM. Your partner is there to help you overcome your obstacles in life and vice-versa. Neither of you signed up to become the punching bag for other’s issues. Of course a fine, mutually satisfying S&M scene can be an amazing cathartic release for all manner of normal frustrations, but these are channeled from within a conscientious and connected D/s relationship where care and safety within the scene are far more salient than any personal issues. I am of course speaking of the irritations of a crappy work day and such, NOT actual interpersonal issues between the Dom and sub that need to be worked out BEFORE you do any BDSM play. Many are the Doms I know who will NOT play when they are actually angry – kudos to all of them. BDSM play, no matter how hardcore or how close to an Edge, should come from a place that will ultimately produce mutual bliss as the end result. HIGH QUALITY BDSM is sacred between a deeply connected Dom and sub and should be kept that way, not tarnished with meaningless acts of brutality or stained with self-loathing or self-deprecation. Again, go as INTENSE or as LIGHT as you want, but make sure you both acknowledge the sacred in what you do. ALL of your BDSM will get better when you do.

Should it come to the point where you feel that your Dom’s lack of satisfaction with you just won’t let up and you are going to crack from it all, COMMUNICATE!!!
Ask for permission to speak freely if you are in a 24/7 or call the “time-out” safeword or whatever you need to do to Clearly State how you feel you just cannot make him happy, that you feel that no matter how hard you try that he is not pleased with you. LISTEN – really LISTEN – to what he has to say.

Because we want to cover this from all angles, there is one more perspective that we have to ask about: Are YOU ranging? Are you Testing Your Dom? It can be a hard question to ask oneself as a sub, but more often than you would expect the submissive may even be subconsciously “testing” her Dom to see where he really sets his own limits and how much he will put up with. This is NOT the same thing as Brat Play, which is a conscientious choice of play style the two make together. The infamous Topping From The Bottom when UNsolicited IS a form of testing the Dom although, since it is so obvious when the submissive does this, there are few good Doms who will put up with that (unsolicited, as opposed to a Dom who enjoys the antagonism which kind of brings it back to Brat Play).
What is harder to identify is when the sub is testing the Dom on a subconscious level. For example, a sub can create a variety of Passive-Aggressive-Like scenarios which are small emotional manipulations aimed at seeing where the Dom can be pushed. Quite often this strategy back-fires because it appears to the Dominant as a kind of moping or whining, and the lack of simple, refined focus in the sub is far more apparent. The submissive’s focus (on duties, inner calm, rapid fulfillment of commands) becomes the Doms concern – the sub most often ends up just getting chastised for her behavior.

An even subtler form of this is when the submissive subconsciously engages in the opposite form of semi-manipulation by doing excessive deeds, again NOT from her heart but instead from a desire for a manipulated outcome, hoping she can maneuver the Dom into giving her a reward. The reward she seeks can be anything from his generosity to extra affection. The problem is that because the actions of the sub are coming from a desire to manipulate the Dom into these behaviors, a needy orientation, and not from a selfless expression of the joy in the submissive’s heart, the Dom feels invisible strings attached to the behaviors – trust me it IS that obvious – although he may not be able to put it into words. The result is that these seemingly generous deeds from the sub end up making the Dom grumpy and irritable.

Therefore the final question you need to ask yourself in this matter is whether or not your actions to please your Dom are in any way – consciously or subconsciously – aimed at getting an artificial reaction from your Dom, testing his limits in any way, or ranging to see how much you think you need to do to force a particular response from him. In all cases, stop doing that. I’ll say it again – let your actions come purely from your heart and let them be free of expectation. That is a MUCH purer expression of your submission and far more beautiful. If you want to know your Dom’s limits and what pleases him most, then ASK him. Let the smile from your Dom come by way of him being genuinely pleased by your impeccable behavior, or by the way you brighten his world, not because you continuously act in way that is actually you demanding he smile at you. Can you see the difference? Let the precision and purity of your actions be your own first reward – his smile will come. Take personal pleasure in doing things right – if he needs to correct you he will, and otherwise you can rest assured that any good Dom is pleased by a slave taking such a conscientious attitude in her actions.

Ultimately, you are going to discover one of several things:
— You might realize that you were listening to a second, inner, erroneous Dom and putting unrealistic pressure on yourself. This realization will help you start listening to the actual commands of your Dom more carefully. This can bring great peace inside you.
— You might realize that you have a tendency to add or reinterpret what your Dom says into much more difficult tasks than he asks of you; when you stop doing that and instead do exactly as he asks, you will find that life with your Dom seems to simplify.
— You may realize that you were doing all manner of extra things for your Dom because you felt you HAD to, not because they were pure expressions from your heart, and when you confront that voice telling you that you cannot rest from all the extra things and you eject that voice, you will get closer to your own heart and a much truer expression of appreciation for your Dom.
— You may find that in fact he was testing you to see how far he could push you and the very act of addressing the question is the literal message to him telling him the information he needed to know. Equally you may find that you work better under a less militaristic style… or oddly enough when understanding comes you may even find that you LIKE the pressure! I have seen stranger things! 😀
— You may find that now that your Dom has “ranged” that he is better able to draw the intensity back a bit and that you finally settle into a D/s rhythm that works the best for both of you.
— You may find that your Dom opens up to you about issues he is having on any number of subjects, and your kind ear and warm heart may be exactly the pry bar he needs to open up about it. If the issues within him are too deep you may need to suggest taking a break from the D/s for a while until his issues can be worked out. Your Dom may have to decide what he is capable of within his Domination, under his circumstances, such that his actions can still maintain respect for the sacred connection of the Dom and the sub.
— You may discover that you have actually been seeking to force a reaction, reward, or measure from your Dom rather than simply expressing yourself purely and taking pleasure in the immediate reward of a job well done, or appreciating the joy of living with a conscientious, happy, daily attitude.

It comes down to this. You must do your part to examine your own internal balance within your submission, and equally the Dom must do the same. Various normal life issues can pull a person off-balance. The connection between the Dom and the sub is sacred however, and it is by respecting that connection that The Dom and the sub WORK TOGETHER to find solutions which help to re-balance each other.

The end result when both do their part is the internal re-balancing of the whole relationship. Both the Dom and the sub then feel empowered, respected, appreciated, and both smile at each other with eyes of clarity.

All the best,
— Arcane