When it comes to any sort of “Skill” involved in Domination & Submission, most people envision the Dominant as the one Requiring Skill, at the very least to be able to use BDSM Toys safely, to Guide, and to Teach the Submissive. But as we at The Crow Academy have reiterated in numerous lessons, it “Takes Two To Tango,” and the D/s Dance requires participation and effort equally from both sides in their own unique ways. The goal of course is the smoothest flowing experience of Delicious Domination and Sensual Submission in a continuous manner whenever the two are “In Role,” whether merely for an evening’s encounter, for a few days when two people might be doing a “Collar-On” weekend, and of course to various extended degrees in an ongoing manner for longer, negotiated D/s Relationships.
If we return to the beloved metaphor and analogy of Smoothly Flowing Romantic Domination & Submission as being very much like Ballroom Dancing, one very small but Critical Factor that we must take into account is the Response Timing of the Lead (the Dominant) and the Follow (the Submissive). Highly skilled ballroom dancers have incredibly quick response timing with each other. They are fully focused and invested in keeping the dance going as beautifully and smoothly as possible. If you have ever seen skilled ballroom dancers perform, it almost feels like they have a telepathic connection, the way they respond so instantly to each other.
Given that “Lead” of the D/s Dance is the Dominant, the tendency in D/s is that the Dom will give an instruction, express a command, assign a task, or guide the Submissive in a certain, desired way in any given moment that they are in-role with each other. In the case of a 24/7 D/s Relationship, this means being in-role all the time. We will use the 24/7 for our example, and of course if you are not in a 24/7 remember this lesson applies to when you ARE in-role together, regardless of the duration.
Of the many Joys found in striving to become a Fine Dominant, we find the ability to express such things as Creativity, Professorship (offering instruction), Leadership, and Command with the Submissive, doing so with the Dominant knowing they have the over-arching permission to express themselves thusly as negotiated with their Submissive. This is absolutely where the ART comes into play for the Dominant.
A Fine Dominant will always be seeking the Art of Dominance. Considerations when expressing Dominance include:
• How much good can the Dom create with this invested power of command?
• How much can they help their Submissive grow and blossom?
• How much can they create both bliss, fun, pleasure, and joy with their Submissive, all the while knowing it is they, the Dominant, who are at the helm steering the D/s ship?
To this end, much like a professional athlete or musician, when that very unique D/s Creativity and Inspiration is flowing freely, the Dominant is able to enter into a nearly transcendent state, known as a “Flow State.” Like the athlete or musician, the Flow State is when the Dominant is at their finest with their Art, at their finest with their Submissive, and where the Submissive receives the best “performance” (if you will) from the Dominant.
For the seasoned BDSM and D/s veteran these are not new concepts. For the newer Doms and Subs however, often times a Submissive does not realize how minuscule gestures on her part can be strongly helpful and conducive to the Dominant’s FLOW…. or at times accidentally work entirely against that flow. The latter is when a D/s moment feels like it “missed the target,” the moment feels heavy, and the sense of a smooth D/s Dance has waned, hopefully to be resolved quickly.
One of the most important of these inadvertent and disruptive gestures from the Submissive is not only inattention to response timing, but much more importantly The Kind of Response the Submissive Gives via subtly confrontational body language and / or small vocalizations including even just a grumpy sound.
To the point, given that the Dominant is absolutely 100% within the negotiated terms of their D/s and coming from a positive headspace, the Main Question we are addressing in this lesson is:
When the Dom gives a Command, Instruction, or otherwise assigns a Behavior or Task, does the Submissive respond with Compliance or Resistance?
We will examine this concept using the Chart below to understand the importance of Compliance both for the smoothest and happiest D/s, and even more importantly for the greatest Comfort and Peace for the Submissive themself. These are not large moments, but rather small, “vanilla” Reactions that can strongly affect the Flow of the Dominant and the Smooth Progress of the couple’s D/s. While mostly observed in those new to Domination & Submission, those freshly learning about it all, even extremely experienced Submissives can sometimes step into this nonconstructive headspace where they are inadvertently fighting against their own goal of Submissive Bliss.
Look at the Chart below carefully, and then read the explanation that follows to learn how the different responses, Resistance versus Compliance, can subtly send the right message, affecting the D/s interaction positively, or send the wrong message, affecting the D/s interaction in ways undesired by both the Dom and the Sub.
Before We Proceed…
This Lesson and this Chart have NOTHING to do with the very specific Kink of “Resistance Play” wherein negotiated, playful pseudo-confrontation is part of the Game. Equally, extremes of negative behavior such as intentional rudeness from the Submissive are also NOT included in this chart and are NOT addressed in this Lesson. In NO CASE are we at all talking about limits being violated, nor commands being asked that go against the human nature of the Submissive.
The entirety of this Chart falls under 100% agreed-upon and negotiated roles and rules of the couple’s D/s, and absolutely includes ethical consensual non-consent (CNC) as agreed upon in their Initial Negotiation. Ergo, it is presumed that both people described in the Chart have overall positive intentions to succeed in their D/s with each other.
This Chart and this Lesson absolutely DO pertain to the Smooth Flow of positive energy and Good Will between a Dominant and a Submissive. This lesson is to help the Submissive understand the negative potency of small disruptions that may inadvertently arise in the daily interactions of a Dom and Sub who are In Role. These can occur in ANY D/s interaction if not attended to consciously by the Submissive, whether that the two are together for an evening of BDSM play, all the way through to living the 24/7 Lifestyle together.
The Chart absolutely represents a General Intention on the part of both the Dom and the Sub to mutually craft a Successful D/s Interaction, and the way SUBTLETIES can positively or negatively affect the smooth flow of that interaction, including the overall positive experience of each person.
We are here to look closer at an insidiously small yet common problem that can arise, and the patient steps, attention, and understanding required to avoid it.
UNDERSTANDING THE CHART
When a Dominant is ready to commence a Positive and Mutually Enjoyable interaction with the submissive in any form, from a mere command all the way to a night of Play, they start at a “5” (the BLUE “5” on the Left) which means they have positive inspiration and their Dominant “Flow” is ready to begin. “5” represents a good starting point as the Dominant is prepared to co-create a good experience, which could go downwards due to complications or resistance, or could go upwards into an extremely positive, inspired state.
The Submissive is concurrently starts at a Neutral “readiness” (the BLACK “0” on the Left) against which she will apply either willingness and compliance (shifting downwards into Relaxed Submissive Bliss), or she will apply resistance, which can be anything from a displeased “grunt” all the way to overt whining and complaining (shifting upwards into Resistance and Complication).
1. Effortless Compliance From The Submissive – The Submissive’s Goal
Starting with the SOLID BLACK LINE, “Effortless Compliance From Submissive,” we see that being in such a state, content and / or happy prior to the command and maintaining said state after the command has been given, causes a very strong likelihood of the submissive’s enjoyment and comfort with the command or scene. The chart represents this as a downward arc representing relaxation into the command without resistance. It describes a peaceful compliance wherein Trust is extended and embraced, despite the Submissive’s own inner and outer distractions.
2. The Dominant’s FLOW State with Compliance – The Dominant’s Goal
Opposite this, we see the SOLID BLUE LINE, “The Dominant’s FLOW State w/ Compliance,” where we see how the Dominant is “ready & positive” and prepared to have either simple obedience and / or give instructions towards an activity, task, or Play. This represents how smooth responses from the submissive help the inner “flow state” of the Dominant, allowing them to immerse more and more into the Creativity of such a state, and provide inspiration for future commands and Play. The more the “Flow State” is present, the more the Dominant can easily generate better, more fun, more appropriate, and even more loving commands and BDSM experiences for the submissive.
3. When The Submissive Resists Direction – The Start of Problems
Conversely, when we take a look at the DOTTED BLACK LINE, “When The Submissive Resists Direction,” we see that as the submissive offers resistance (mundane in nature), her own comfort simultaneously DECREASES (technically her Comfort goes more and more into the negatives) even if she is fighting to obey. Once the resistance starts, it becomes a process over time to regain a centered, neutral position, and eventually move into a state of comfort and enjoyment of her desired submission. Even so, due to the initial complications resulting from resistance, including things as simple and physical as a concurrent cortisol release, not to mention the emotional state of negativity, that the initial resistance prevents her from going as deeply into comfort, and also breaks the Dominant’s Flow State.
4. The Dominant’s Inspiration with Resistance – Breaking The Flow
Looking at the DOTTED BLUE LINE, “The Dominant’s Inspiration w/ Resistance,” we see that as soon as the resistance is offered by the submissive, the Dominant’s Flow State drops dramatically. It is subtle but significant, and even tangible like that slight sinking feeling one gets when one’s outdoor plans encounter unexpected rain. There may be hardly any external cues of this happening… perhaps a frown on the Dominant’s face at most.
It behooves the Submissive to understand that “Flow” is not something that happens instantaneously nor automatically. It arises from Inspiration, and when the inspiration is broken, the Flow State tends to break as well, dropping off possibly even faster than the resistance increases, as it is the initial act of the Submissive resisting to any noticeable degree that slams on the brakes of the Flow State. Thereafter, it takes Time for the Dominant to come back to a “happy and ready” state to try and once again get back into their Flow.
While a prevalent reality regarding the inner experience of many Dominants, it will not happen every time, and it is less likely to happen in more experienced Dominants where it nonetheless remains a concern. It benefits everyone to understand that the creative and inspired Flow State of the Dominant is like a flywheel that gains momentum the more freely it is allowed to spin. Unwarranted, disrespectful, or irrelevant resistance from the Submissive, no matter how minuscule, is like grinding gears instead of letting the flywheel spin freely. Even if the Dominant’s frustration is extremely brief, it can quite easily (and probably does) cause the flywheel to slow down or even grind to a halt, especially in newer Dominants who might not have a large repertoire of skills with which to work.
As mentioned, a highly experienced Dominant will not always have their Flow State broken by mundane (not kinky, not fun) Resistance from the Submissive. The Dominant’s own talents and experience in this regard will most certainly come into play. Even so, the Submissive of such an experienced Dominant must still consider this lesson and the pattern of inappropriate resistance so it can be avoided.
For newer Dominants however, and couples new to D/s, the Chart and this lesson are meant to provide an understanding of these subtleties so that together you can start on a more stable foundation as you build your experiences together. This is also one more reason that the Initial Negotiation matters so much, where Limits are clearly stated and the parameters of what is expected under CNC are agreed upon well ahead of time. Clearly understanding your own negotiated parameters of Consensual Non-Consent is a very important step in avoiding these issues, and moving faster into a blissful D/s Dance with each other.
CLICK HERE to learn about Ethical CNC (Consensual Non-Consent)
It should also be mentioned that if the Submissive comes from any negative background (past trauma, bad relationships, abusive childhood, etc) which would lead to these moments of inappropriate Resistance, that they should inform their Dominant of the details so the two can craft a program of patiently and diligently moving past such a limitation, and growing into a Smooth Flowing D/s Couple. 🙂
THE GOOD NEWS…It’s All About Awareness
The GOOD NEWS is that given Will Power on the part of the Submissive, any bad habits of previously conditioned tendencies towards Resistance can be overcome by practicing a re-focus on the Submissive’s own Desires for Submission, appreciation of the Dominant’s time and attention, a desire to see and even enjoy the Dominant getting into their Creative “Flow State,” and a calm (even meditative) attitude of the Submissive confronting their own resistances and “letting them go.” This can even become a daily meditation for a Submissive who finds they have brought too much of a confrontational attitude from past relationships, or their childhood, or any other outside circumstances prior to their current D/s Relationship. The goal for the Submissive is to always be on the Solid Black Line in the Chart, vis-a-vis their trusted Dominant.
As for techniques for the Dominant, the PINK “X” on the Chart marks a point at which the Dominant can offer a verbal “wake up” for the Submissive showing Resistance, pointing out the Resistance in that moment no matter how small, and giving the Sub an encouraging nudge to correct the situation using the Submissive’s own Will Power. Of course the self-aware Sub might already be doing so on their own, but this helps the Submissive understand the “visibility” of the Resistance.
In such a situation, as the Resistance becomes noticeable and tangible to the Dominant, the Dom can say something along the lines of “No Pushback” or some similar mentioning and pointing-out of what the Submissive is doing in that moment. The PINK “X” in the Chart marks a Turning Point where the self-awareness provided by the Dominant’s comment can turn-the-tide of the Resistance and help the Submissive relax and aim for her own release into her desired Submission.
Should the Dominant offer a suggestion like, “hey remember, no pushback” or the like, they can do so playfully and lightly, or if the situation requires they can use a downward inflection and a tone of greater gravity as needed. It is expected that the Submissive in either case should respond by confronting their Resistance, and moving in the opposite direction for the many good reasons described above, the least of which is the fulfillment of their own desires for blissful Submission, and to experience the joy of relaxation to be found within a Kinky / Fetish / Lifestyle Submissive.
To Reiterate:
The more the Dominant is in their “Flow State,” the more they can easily generate better, more fun, more appropriate, and even more loving Commands, Guidance and general BDSM & D/s Experiences for the Submissive.
It is therefore the far superior course of action for a Submissive to train towards and desire the universal experience of the Solid Black Line. The SOLID BLACK LINE should be the Submissive’s normal course of action, thereby assuring the Inspiration and Flow of the Dominant, and the greatest overall enjoyment for both people in general. Like breaking any bad habit, with practice and self-awareness, the Submissive will learn to simply shift their focus away from inadvertent “vanilla” resistance, and instead refocus into their own beautiful Relaxed Submissive Flow.
Great article, thank you