A highly devoted submissive in a healthy D/s Relationship asked one of the most fundamental questions about a subject that hardly ever gets shown in a proper light. That subject? Consensual Non-Consent (or commonly “CNC” for short). Vast are the number of misperceptions and misunderstandings about CNC, alongside occasional skepticism as to whether or not Healthy CNC even exists (The Short Answer –> It Does Exist).
Far too often, the concept of CNC becomes grossly maligned due to various fears based on necessarily negative – and most often erroneous – views of the actual CNC concept. It often gets mislabeled as an excuse for activities that have little or nothing to do with actual CNC nor Healthy BDSM. What these misinformed perceptions often do not seem to realize is that CNC only really works alongside a simple, healthy set of Ethics, and that it occurs all the time in the day-to-day vanilla world with common adherence.
One of the common misperceptions is that CNC is the same as a “play rape” Role-Play game. You find that concept commonly circulated amongst people very new to BDSM and D/s who really have not taken the time to explore CNC past an exceedingly superficial level. CNC is in fact a MUCH larger concept, and even an integral part of various D/s interactions and common Negotiations. For example, any D/s Couple living a 24/7 BDSM Lifestyle probably has a wide variety of consensual, mutually negotiated CNC elements occurring within the boundaries of a smoothly flowing D/s Relationship.
In my lesson below I explore just how prevalent Healthy & Respectful CNC actually is, while at the same time making it very clear that pretty much any aspect of CNC must occur with an Ethical Attitude from the Dominant. I explain in fair detail why CNC is never an excuse to ignore stated Limits, and show – once again – how important it is to know your Limits on BOTH sides (Dom and sub alike) during the Negotiation so that all forms of CNC that may ensue are all genuinely and mutually accepted beforehand.
CNC is a beautiful element of D/s, and the time has come for an intelligent discussion of the subject.
Enjoy.
Anyone who says CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) is merely “rape play” is extremely uninformed. So start by throwing away those definitions immediately. It’s not that Rape Play / Play Rape is not an activity of “pretending” to have no control or consent – of course it is – but the key element there is “Pretend.” In play rape you might Role Play “roughness,” or act the role of non-consent in a playful manner that – in fact – does NOT bypass an acknowledgement of a Safeword, etc. That is NOT the same as pervading CNC, other than on the lightest, most playful and pretend level. I would not even call it CNC, as it makes CNC seem like an act of “pretend.” CNC is an actual D/s Dynamic that pervades on many levels, pertains to actual obedience – particularly when a submissive is wanting to act in a manner antithetical to the D/s Dynamic – and only commences upon a foundation of genuine, well-negotiated, over-arching CONSENT.
KEY #1: Ethical CNC always stays within agreed upon Limits.
Anytime anyone – kinky, vanilla, or otherwise – gives away a degree of self-governance in pursuit of a higher goal, that is an example of CNC. Vanillas do that all the time – for example when they agree to work for an asinine boss in exchange for a pay check, taking orders that are mind numbingly dull but expected to follow through without complaint. Almost every single military structure on Earth is a form of CNC – you agree to more or less blindly follow orders, but you consent to giving up your right to disagree or disobey upon signing up, and you know full well that you are doing so. You literally consent to having your right to disobey / not follow orders taken away from you upon signing up to join the military – you Consent to this. Nonetheless, even in the above cases the application of CNC contains a base set of Ethical Behaviors. The boss cannot cajole nor insult you because you think their orders are stupid, nor can your commanding officer punch you in the face to assert their authority over you because you hesitated.
KEY #2: There ARE boundaries to how CNC can be Ethically applied, both in the vanilla world as well as in Kink.
CNC in a D/s Relationship means the submissive is consenting to a higher, over-arching rule by their Dominant. It means that they consent in a large, general sense to the forthcoming commands and instructions as part of the D/s structure, and agree that outside of agreed-upon Limits, the commands / instructions / assignments from the Dominant will be accepted, followed, and obeyed. The Initial Negotiation before this level commences (e.g. prior to a Slave Contract, Collaring, or what have you) is when the submissive must elucidate how far they personally see the CNC extending, and the Dominant must make clear where they expect CNC to occur and be followed.
KEY #3: A discussion of Limits (for BOTH the Dom and the sub) is critical for the CNC to flow well.
CNC is NOT an invitation for stupidity or abuse. When a Healthy D/s Couple agrees to CNC in one form or another (and that can be a short term scene for the night, all the way through to a long-term Slave Contract with the CNC Rules spelled out clearly and agreed to by both parties), they also agree to be SENSIBLE about it all. If the Agreed-Upon CNC of the Couple says that the submissive will attend to her given domestic chores without complaint even when she would much rather be watching TV, that is reasonable CNC to expect. If the Dominant suddenly decides – surprise – that a gerbil will be anally inserted in the sub and says “Your CNC agrees to this NON-pre-negotiated, NON-agreed-upon beastiality that is probably an immediate violation of your Limits” – well, that is the Dom being asinine.
KEY #4: CNC does NOT permit the violation of Pre-CNC Agreements and Negotiations.
If a Contracted 24/7 submissive is tired after work and just wants to come home but the Dom says he needs the sub to go to the grocery store (and there was no negotiation delineating a “cool down” time allowance for the sub after every work day), CNC would apply. The submissive would have to go the grocery store before returning home, and she is expected to do so with a good attitude.
On the other hand, if the submissive has indicated in the original, Initial Negotiation that she is extremely monogamous and not poly at all, and later the Dom says CNC means she has to have a threesome, that would be a violation of agreed-upon Limits and CNC would NOT apply. This does NOT mean “OH THE HORROR,” but rather that such a non-CNC occurrence should immediately begin a reasonable discussion of the subject matter, i.e. the Dom merely “wanting” a threesome does not mean abuse nor the end of the relationship – it simply means that CNC does NOT apply (as the idea of the threesome violates stated Limits) and that the two people should express their views with each other to see if there is some reasonable middle ground, or room for experimentation, etc. If there is no middle ground, then the clearly stated Limits come First.
Of course if during the Pre-CNC Negotiation the submissive agreed in a CNC manner that her Dom will have “absolute control over their sexuality together” and she did not fully think through any reservations she might have – e.g. she thought it meant he would bring in different kinky toys and not much else – then technically CNC would apply to her having to accept trying out a threesome. Needless to say the submissive might be a bit shocked to find out that she agreed to experiment with a threesome by way of CNC and accepting the Dom’s 100% control of their sex life.
KEY #5: It is VERY IMPORTANT to know one’s Limits and state them as clearly as possible during the Initial Negotiation, before CNC commences.
NONETHELESS, a Wise Dominant will be sensitive to the potential controversy here in this example, observe any particularly strong sense of shock or reservation in the sub, and realize that forcing the CNC in this example – even if “technically” the CNC is appropriate – may be a bad idea and could potentially damage the relationship at large. An Ethical Dominant will be aware that CNC should not be taken to a level where the Dominant outright disrespects the “core-nature” of their submissive (i.e. key elements of the submissive’s central identity), and must use Good Judgement when CNC comes face to face with an issue that, while not negotiated, could potentially (accidentally) turn into an attack on someone’s “core nature.” Note that avoiding “outright disrespect” does NOT mean that the Dominant should put up with a whining attitude r.e. assigned tasks the submissive is expected to do that do not actually violate any limits.
CLICK HERE for more information on IDENTIFYING YOUR LIMITS.
CLICK HERE to watch a VIDEO on the Crow Academy YouTube channel about HARD & SOFT LIMITS.
The Ethical Dominant who has this kind of CNC control over the couple’s sex life in this example, would still pay attention to the very real responses from the submissive when the given controversial subject is brought up. Doing so is part of being a Kind and Considerate Dominant. CNC is not permission to charge blindly forwards in the fulfillment of the Dom’s Ego while stepping all over the emotions of the submissive. THAT kind of self-obsessed attitude from the Dom can seriously damage the bliss of the D/s Garden.
Rather, a Wise Dominant will bring forth this subject (or any other topic of a highly debatable nature known to commonly involve strong feelings) in a manner that both mutually acknowledges his CNC control over the matter, while at the same time presents the topic to his submissive in a way that Clearly Shows the Submissive is Respected. Yes, it is possible to be very stern and very strict as a Dominant while at the same time having and showing Kindness and simple human Respect for your submissive.
This is part of the Art of Domination.
I can say with absolute assurance – and listen up you New Dominants just starting out who seriously want to understand the Art Of Domination – that it is NOT worth sacrificing a healthy D/s Relationship because you want a threesome (or what have you) and your submissive who gave you that CNC control turns out to have an intense aversion to the same. If having a threesome (or any other controversial BDSM practice) is a key kink / need / limit of yours that it must happen, then this needs to be stated Up Front in the Pre-CNC Initial Negotiation so the submissive can openly accept or reject this before CNC commences.
This goes for pretty much any highly controversial subject within kink and sexuality that is known to produce strong opinions. Both of you stating your Limits, Needs and Desires clearly during the Pre-CNC Negotiation is one way to manage this. Making all this clear in the Initial Negotiation strongly insures that both of you will have a great time together on all things agreed upon, and that the CNC will cover areas that will work for both of you (even when the submissive REALLY wants to watch TV instead! – LOL 🙂 ).
KEY #6: CNC cannot be used as a reason to demand an intention to violate known Limits.
CNC steps aside at that point in favor of calm discussion BEFORE any such activity ensues, opting instead for possible re-negotiation on the controversial topic, and without either party being beholden to agree to change their mind during such a re-negotiation. If they change their mind so be it; if they do not change their mind so be it. The Limits before the re-negotiation may well remain the same set of Limits afterwards. Understand that this is NOT a CNC matter but rather a Communication and possible Re-negotiation matter; It is called being Realistic and Sensible.
A Spectrum of CNC Circumstances
In a much lighter form, CNC occurs almost every time a play session occurs. Having a good idea of what toys the submissive enjoys, the Dominant does not stop and ask if every successive change of a toy is “ok?” and “permitted?” The Dominant is expected to use their knowledge of what toys in the past the submissive has enjoyed and weave a scene of different sensations to create something more or less unique each time. The submissive, who still has Safewords and Signals to help the scene flow at its best, consents to the scene but does not need to give individual consent to each and every sensation therein, given a conscientious and attentive Dominant who shows Responsibility with the CNC granted overtly before and during the scene.
So what are some examples of commonly applied, Healthy CNC in a D/s Relationship?
• The Dom has complete control over the couple’s sex life but 100% respects the known Limits of his beloved submissive.
• The Dom has control over aspects of the submissive’s Health and Well-Being in terms of commanding her to live a more healthy Lifestyle, e.g. with a curriculum of exercise and healthy foods. In this particular example it behooves the Dominant to participate in the healthy activity as well to set the example if possible.
• The Dom has a home life curriculum that involves chores the submissive must do even if she wants to be flakey.
• During a play scene – within known Limits – the Dominant uses toys and techniques as he sees fit, respecting Safewords or Signals that help keep the scene progressing in the best possible and most enjoyable manner for both involved.
• The Dom sees ways that he can help his submissive foster her career or artistic goals, and so he gives her commands that she is expected to follow to that end, despite her tendency towards procrastination. The Dominant’s commands literally over-ride her tendency to procrastinate, and procrastination then becomes disobedience.
• Same goes for a Dom commanding a submissive in college to stop watching TV and get onto their homework. All of the above are clearly coming from a loving place wherein the Dominant wants to see his beloved submissive SUCCEED.
• The submissive is expected to arise at a certain hour and make the Dominant’s coffee even when she would rather sleep, for example when they both wake up at approximately the same time anyway, but she wakes up 10-15 minutes earlier to have the Master’s coffee ready.
• If the submissive is home before the Dominant comes home, she is expected to greet him at the door in a certain manner when he arrives.
• Many, many other personalized D/s rituals that the couple enjoys that are expected to be followed (barring emergencies of course).
CNC is meant to be an exciting, enjoyable, dynamic part of a D/s experience, relationship, or scene. It is never intended to violate known Limits. All forms of CNC need to be mutually agreed upon and negotiated before the CNC commences at any level. The larger the granted CNC – say at the very top of a Long-Term, 24/7, D/s Relationship Negotiation – the more it will “automatically” pervade and trickle down through the various activities of the D/s Couple, AND the more the Dominant will need to be Incredibly Responsible with their ethical application of CNC.
When Consensual Non-Consent is applied in this dignified manner within a high-integrity D/s Couple, the result is often a magnificent sense of FLOW within all the activities of the Couple. The CNC itself becomes a kind of ethically-applied “grease to the gears” of the Couple’s activities. I have personally found that the flow created by this kind of ethical CNC is one of the main qualities that makes a D/s Relationship into a truly beautiful D/s Garden.
When I watch Vanilla couples argue over the smallest things because one or both of them want to be lazy… or want to procrastinate… or want their unhealthy habits coddled, etc, I think to myself that I am looking at a reflection of why I will always choose D/s over Vanilla in my personal life. To me CNC, when understood and used in the healthiest possible manner, is a truly wonderful and immensely creative aspect of the Dominant’s ART. Ethical CNC, applied conscientiously and respectfully, can be one of the glues that holds a D/s Couple together in their shared pursuit of D/s Excellence and the creation of a magnificent D/s Relationship.
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