A woman wrote to me with a unique problem which seemed to revolve around a confusion between the appropriate behaviors of a BDSM party vs a Swinger party. From the description of her problem, the biggest issue appeared to be that she wanted to bring a high level of polyamory, aka swinging, into the BDSM and Fetish parties she was invited into as a Dom’s new submissive toy. Her description indicated that she held the common Swinger misconception that the BDSM world is “all open play with anyone” in the same way as much of Swinger world, and in doing so she began to cross lines of BDSM Protocol and Etiquette to the point where she was gaining a negative reputation.
My answer to her problem identifies a few key differences between the Swinger community vs the BDSM community. These differences, once understood can help someone can get a sense of measure about one’s own nature, whether the Protocols and Etiquette of the BDSM community will bring that person a sense of joy and fulfillment, or whether they are better suited to the more open sexual freedom of the Swinger community opting for a bit of simple sensation play to spice up their vanilla-esque sex life. I explain how Swinging is about play, and play alone, as the core element, as opposed to seeking submissive fulfillment through obedience and devotion as the core element of one’s experiences.
Let me start by saying that you are describing yourself as polyamorous to a very high degree when you talk about attending with one Dom but seeking to play with what sounds like many others. You could say you are describing yourself as a “swinger” of sorts. While I will defend your right to be polyamorous if that is your nature, I should clarify that I am not personally a swinger.
What I am personally drawing from, in addressing your situation, are the extensive experiences I have had interacting with the Swinger community (having performed countless BDSM shows at Swinger events) alongside Limited Polyamory that does sometimes occur in the BDSM Scene, most often in the form of simple menage’ a trois or the like. One of the key problems that I and others have identified is that there seems to be a global snafu that often results in lines being crossed where a lot of swingers think the BDSM / Fetish Scene is some kind of Swinger offshoot, and nothing could be further from the truth. The rules of Swinging are VERY different than the Protocols and Etiquette of the D/s and BDSM worlds. Yes, sometimes the two scenes do overlap. However, while it is true that both BDSM and Swinging could be considered different forks of “expanded sexuality,” belonging to one fork in the road does not necessarily place you on the other fork at all. In fact most people who live a life of expanded sexuality tend to choose one path or the other. Either Swinger or BDSM depending on which path lays closer to your soul. Certainly the two can borrow from each other, but they quite often remain exclusive unless the boundaries are very intentionally crossed, and the Swinger adopts some BDSM into their play, or the Fetishist explores more deeply into their preferred aspect of polyamory.
A great example would be the gentleman from whom I learned Fireplay. He used to do a highly sexually-charged, polyamorous BDSM show every single Saturday night for four years at a rave club in Hollywood, California. In a large cage above the dance floor, he and his performance partners would pull volunteers from the crowd throughout the night. To his way of thinking, BDSM was a circus act – he knew almost nothing about BDSM and D/s Protocols or Etiquette. I showed him all about the Dominant-Submissive Lifestyle and his appreciation of BDSM grew by leaps and bounds. Nonetheless, at his core he was a swinger, and so no matter how much he learned about BDSM and D/s, he never really lived the BDSM or D/s Lifestyle. Eventually he and I co-taught a BDSM workshop specifically for interested swingers after we both had been hired repeatedly by various swinger parties to do BDSM shows with our respective female partners. Nonetheless, as I grew more and more into living the BDSM Lifestyle everyday, all the while appreciating the sexual freedom of the swinger community (and eating a lot of good food at their parties! LOL), my swinger buddy grew away from the BDSM Lifestyle. It reached a point where he and his partner held regular, vanilla swinger parties in their home, and my St Andrews Cross which he borrowed for the “play area” at his place became nothing more than another piece of sex furniture if I was not personally using it. I was a Fetishist who could appreciate the swinging vibe even if it wasn’t my thing, and he was a swinger who could appreciate the BDSM vibe even if the BDSM Lifestyle wasn’t his thing.
Another way to think about the Swinger vs Fetishist fork in the road can be understood by a rather infamous private party I once threw at The Crow Academy. I invited about 20 Hardcore BDSM and D/s couples, and 20 Swinger couples who I had met over the years who had expressed a very specific interest in learning more about BDSM. It was an experiment of sorts to see how the two communities would mix. The result was that a variety of my Hardcore BDSM friends loosened up in feeling much more comfortable about their own natural sexual energy in public (still nonetheless shared only with their private partners), and the Swingers got to experience a vast set of new BDSM tools, toys, and ways to stimulate their minds and bodies that did not necessarily revolve around flat-out sex.
My FIRST call in addressing your concerns would be that you might be attending parties that are MUCH more oriented towards Formal BDSM Protocols when in fact it sounds like you will be MUCH happier going to swinger events where they enjoy a touch of kink.
There are a few simple ways to measure this out by asking yourself these questions:
1) Do you want BDSM to be the Main Component of your play, or do you just want BDSM (bondage, etc) as a “spice” to your polyamorous activity?
The former means you might only get that Deep BDSM itch scratched by obeying the rules of the BDSM Scene, while the latter means you would want to probably steer clear of High Protocol BDSM events and groups where the BDSM Etiquette is taken much more seriously, and instead locate swinger parties with a “fetishy” edge about them.
2) How do you feel about Giving Up Control to someone else?
If you really enjoy letting someone control you, then do it for the whole time you are with them, i.e. all night long at the least (that’s good etiquette). Make the duration of your submission crystal clear and up-front at the beginning of the night. I recommend the minimum be for the time you and your Dom are together, and longer if you both feel inclined.
Whatever you decide, STICK TO WHAT YOU AGREED – don’t negotiate obedience and to be one man’s toy for the night and then just toss it aside – that is exactly the kind of behavior that immediately turns OFF the people who take the BDSM Protocols and D/s Etiquette very seriously.
If you do NOT want someone controlling you at all, i.e. you only like the Physical sensations of BDSM, then do NOT call yourself “submissive” — tell people you are a Bottom. A “Bottom” is someone who enjoys receiving PHYSICAL sensation but it does NOT necessarily mean they are in any way fulfilled by the PSYCHOLOGICAL state of being commanded, a.k.a. submissive, within their MIND. To avoid someone thinking you are into Giving Up Control to them (i.e. submitting) when you are not in fact into it, you can also tell the prospective play-partner that you “Enjoy Sensation Play” to help them understand that you are a Bottom and not a Submissive.
NEVER call yourself a “slave” unless you intend to DRAMATICALLY and EMPHATICALLY give control to someone else, and that you effectively are under the rule of that someone else. This degree of dramatic control over your actions CAN however be negotiated to be for a short or long duration. Whatever you negotiate… Stick To It. Of course you should also make sure you both agree on the same Safewords.
(For more on Safewords, Click Here)
It sounds like the way you are representing yourself to others in the BDSM Community as a “submissive” could be the issue which is causing the problem. It is not an uncommon mistake for someone new, especially with all the confusion created by swinger’s misunderstanding of the BDSM Scene is and then explaining it badly to other swingers. There is nothing wrong with the Swinger scene if that is your cup of tea, but you won’t find anywhere near the depth of BDSM Protocol or D/s Experiences there that you do find in the Formal BDSM Scene.
On the other hand, if you do feel the call of submission in your heart more strongly than your polyamorous desires, let me absolutely say that polyamory IS something that can be negotiated into an understanding with a Dominant if you seriously need that to be happy. To a BDSM Lifestyler, polyamory is just another fetish to choose out of hundreds of fetishes, as opposed to polyamory being The Core Element found in the Swinger community. Negotiate it with you Dom and you may well be able to find the BDSM Lifestyle experience you seek. It is possible to both give your Dom the loyalty required and at the same time find mutual happiness with the modicum of polyamory of which your Dom approves (given his willingness to accept polyamory during your initial negotiation).
If you DO enter a BDSM Group / club / event then follow the Protocols of that crowd. Keep in mind that MANY of the essential, core elements of High Protocol BDSM and D/s Etiquette have intelligently evolved over HUNDREDS OF YEARS (at the least!). A such, there is nothing worse than a swinger whose goals pretty much boil down to getting laid trying to tell a BDSM group how they should do their BDSM (and I am sure the Swingers would say the same about a BDSM Lifestyler trying to impose High Protocol D/s Etiquette into a Swinger party – LOL!!). Instead, really take the time to investigate the level of Protocol and Etiquette within the BDSM group / club into which you are entering, and stick to it like glue. “When In Rome…” as they say. Then, I guarantee, you will find the opposite happening where people let you know how much they enjoyed your presence at these same events. 🙂
All the best,
— Arcane
Excellent explanation.
😉
a lovely read as always 🙂