I recently read a simple question put forth by a submissive who was ordered to play by an intoxicated Dom. This got me thinking about how this issue comes up every-so-often regarding How Much and When is it ok to mix intoxication with BDSM play? Many people who seriously appreciate the beautiful and sensual experience of BDSM also enjoy the sensory indulgence of intoxication – it’s too common an occurrence to ignore. How many others enjoy a drink to let go of the stress of their day after a long, hard day of work? In Australia, where drunk driving laws are insanely strict, their rule is that you are unable to drive if you have not had at least One Hour Per Beer of sobering-up time. So how do we set a standard for when it’s Safe To Play with BDSM…. on BOTH sides, for the Dom and for the sub?
IN PLAY – FOR THE SUBMISSIVE
I spent a lot of time in the San Francisco BDSM community where they have (had) EXTREMELY strict “no intoxication” rules at all public dungeon (BDSM Play) parties. At the better events they had a “2 strikes you are out permanently” rule — 1st strike (being caught intoxicated inside the event) and you are asked to leave and not come back that night, 2nd strike you could get blackballed from that venue’s events permanently. Harsh, but also beautiful because it forced everyone to really learn to appreciate BDSM as its own, natural intoxicant. 🙂
Now while I do not drink at all (just not my thing, no judgement upon others who do), I have had my submissives ask permission to have a drink themselves before we play. Here’s how I make my judgment call on that:
1) I put a LOT of thought and work into a Good (or GREAT) Scene, and damnit I want my sub to Remember The Scene! 😉
2) I NEED the sub to be able to report to me (via safewords or hand/other signals) how they are experiencing the scene, from “this is boring” to “perfect!” to “way past my expectations on that last toy Sir.” I DEPEND on their ability to Accurately and Intelligently Communicate to me if and when they need to do so, REGARDLESS of my seasoned ability to read their body language. Solid Communication, including non-verbal, is Part Of The Dance for me.
3) When I choose a Toy or Device, I choose it because I want to impart a Very Particular Sensation.
Bottom Line: Intoxication can affect the above three criteria to varying degrees.
— A sub who is too intoxicated might be so out-of-it that my skill and effort is wasted as they forget the scene by the next day.
— Their ability to accurately communicate to me their exact experience during the scene can be affected/diluted/dampened.
— Their experience of a particular toy or device may end up being “mis-experienced” as the sensation intended does not convey through their haze / foggy mind.
Therefore, an intoxicated submissive can lead to a Disappointing Scene to say the least.
For this reason I came up with the “You may have One” rule. If a sub really wants that drink to say, let go of the stress of their busy work day I may be open to it… PROVIDED they understand and appreciate the three rules above WHEN THEY ARE SOBER. If they can look me in the eye and tell me they do understand clearly where I am coming from, then I will allow them ONE drink before they play. That’s it, permanent rule, forever, no exceptions. The leeway I allow is that they can choose whatever ONE drink they like, given that they understand my 3 rules. THAT SAID, if I feel that even one drink is too much for them to adhere to the three rules, then for that individual I might instate a “no drinks before play” rule for them for a time. This is MY Responsibility as the Dom to make a Good Judgement Call.
IN PLAY – FOR THE DOMINANT
Now all that said, lets flip this for an intoxicated DOM / TOP….
My first questions for a Dom / Top who wishes to allow intoxication into their own state before they play are along the line of:
1) How well they hold their liquor?
2) If you are the sub / slave reading this then what is your previous experience thereof with that Dom/Top when you are NOT about to play, e.g. when they get intoxicated at Other Times?
3) What are their (the Dom’s) own thoughts on intoxication and play in general?
An amateur Dom / Top will give you an answer that has the word “never” in it, like, “alcohol and drugs never affect my abilities.” Um, how shall I say…BULLSHIT. Oh damn said it. 😉
That is a rationalizing statement and pure falsehood as everyone sane knows that abilities are ALWAYS affected from different intoxicants by a matter of degrees. One drink might loosen someone up, two drinks and they start to have blurred vision and lose aim, three drinks and there goes their depth perception (kind of important when swinging a whip to, oh you know, not wrap the ends into the subs EYES). But the truth is that there is no hard and fast rule as to how many drinks cause how much Loss Of Skill – it depends on the alcohol consumed, the person’s body weight, their metabolism, etc.
I would say that a HIGHLY (as in Extremely) skilled Dom who enjoys drinking LIGHTLY probably has played well before on ONE drink. But my personal experience of even my closest Dominant friends who drink tells me that more than one drink is just not a good idea when swinging a whip, using impact toys, etc. Yes, getting rubbed down with rabbit fur is very unlikely to have a negative result. But even simple bondage can become problematic if the Dom passes out, aye? (*fyi that was a sarcastic understatement*)
My final advice on the subject to submissives out there is Use Your Own Eyes And Ears. If the Dom / Top is OBVIOUSLY slurring their words, walking unsteadily, rolling their eyes, and swaying when they talk, then bottom line (and the way I teach at The Crow Academy) it is time to use that “Stop” Safeword – be it RED or what have you.
If the Dom disrespects the use of that “Stop/RED” Safeword for such an obvious reason…
Well what more do you need to know about that “dom?” (*lower case intentionally used*)
Time to look elsewhere for a better Dominant.
For the record, the very sentence, “if you were a REAL submissive / slave then you would… [insert absurd act of placing oneself in common-sense obvious jeopardy / real danger of actual harm]” by any so-called “dom” to me is the first sign of an amateur. At the very least said pseudo-dom needs to take some classes on Responsibility for the sub’s / slave’s Well Being.
— Arcane
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