A passionate submissive wrote me both hopeful and hesitant about pursuing the extreme surrender she hoped to experience within formal D/s and Submission. Her concerns stemmed from observations regarding styles of D/s that one might consider more extreme, and not understanding that different Dominants have different Stylistic Choices. She was also concerned that elements of trauma from her past could get triggered despite the fact that as an adult she had worked through her past quite conscientiously.
In light of all of this she wanted my suggestions on how to proceed in a quest that called deeply to her submissive soul…
Enjoy.
First I must tell you that you articulate your situation quite eloquently. I have met people with issues in their past and whereas I know that merely being open and conversant does not necessarily equate with having fully processed and become free from your past. Nonetheless I am inclined to be impressed with your self-awareness and how that empowerment might intertwine with your dreams and goals for your journey into submission.
I believe I understand why you felt fear at reading the rules of Dominants out there who overtly maintain a highly “militaristic” style. Let me assure you that some of the Doms I know who hold to such an aesthetic can also be perfect gentlemen and highly honorable people. Truly consider the word “Style” exactly as you would use it to describe the clothing you wear — it refers to the Outer Trappings. In the actual conversation and interaction with any prospective Dom you can ascertain past their style and into the heart of the man, as opposed to merely reading his prescripts for D/s that he may have posted online.
A quality Dominant understands the Responsibility of training a submissive and having a slave. They accept that Responsibility no matter what their style may be. The well-being of their slave will be paramount whether their style is gentle, soft, medium or ultra-intense. What matters most when it comes to the Style of the Dominant is that it is well-suited to a submissive who ENJOYS that particular style of Domination.
There are submissives who respond extremely well to a more militaristic style of D/s, and others who respond more to a romantic style of D/s, and still others who respond best to styles that blend the two, or are something different altogether. Equally, it would be a great fallacy to presume that just because a Dom has a particular, overt style that he does not venture into other aspects of Domination. For example, a romantic style of Dom might also prove to be exceptionally strict in enforcing Protocols, and a militaristic style of Dom may have an incredibly “soft” side to his personality at the end of the day. My point is to Know The Man before you judge their Style.
Click Here to read more about Screening a Prospective Dominant
You asked me “What if I reach a depth of surrender from which I cannot return?” My answer is this: There is no such thing. It is a popular myth expressed in poetry written by submissives romanticizing about such a level. Anything given up can always be taken back. If a D/s relationship ends it is as intense (or not) as the vanilla equivalent of any relationship that concludes.
If you are referring to returning from deep submission to a position of being in control during any given day within your career, that is something you must pay attention to on the way into deeper levels of submission, always being conscientious of returning “to normal” (fully functional at your career) before the work-day is addressed. Many D/s couples have “rituals of transition” which help the submissive or slave make a clean separation between her workspace / job / career, and the slave headspace-heartspace when she comes home. Sometimes this can involve a meditation, sometimes the presentation of her slave collar, sometimes a change of clothing, etc. All very customizable to suit the particular Dominant and submissive.
If however you are speaking of some imagined level where you suspect you will lose yourself and your identity and will not be able to come back, again I reiterate that is a fiction, a fear or drama you would have to consciously and intentionally manifest to make it happen. What you might experience is a level of Selflessness and a Bliss within total surrender as a slave, a happiness that seems so powerful and overwhelming that you Do Not Want to return from that state. Still it would have to be a conscious choice not to “return,” albeit highly understandable… after all, who does not want to stay in a happy frame of mind?
With proper aftercare following a scene, even a submissive far, far gone into sub-space after an amazing scene will eventually find their feet back on the ground. Your own identity would have to be very weak, a paper tiger to say the least, for it to get “erased” by the activity of pursuing deep submission, and in such a case I would question how real that identity was in the first place….or was it a facade in itself? My point is that if you have a decent Sense of Identity right now, then you have less to worry about than you imagine. Or to put it another way, if you like cats, roses, and mashed potatoes now, you will still like cats, roses, and mashed potatoes as a Submissive. Even if your future Dominant is allergic to cats, it does not mean you will stop liking cats even if you cannot have one in your shared home. See what I mean?
A closer look into the matter would reveal, from the experience of transformation that countless slaves have undergone, that by way of letting go of all of the habitual behaviors one has in a mindless rat-race and instead allowing something DEEPER to come to the surface that is far more grounded in your own submissive spirit within, that you find a Newer, Brighter sense of Self blossoming forth. However, this is never experienced as a negative! Quite the contrary, as all the poems and prose to the effect will reiterate, this is an experience of Personal Evolution.
To experience this is to experience the Art of the Fine Dominant at work. This is the experience of a Fine Dominant who is able to elicit The Best from within their submissive or slave, who is able to bring forth a Richness and a Depth to her nature that may have only been previously visible as a vague glimpse. The submissive’s identity is no more “lost” than a sprout is “lost” in the course of it growing into a fully blossoming flower.
Now that said, let’s have you take a deeper look into yourself. Look into the mirror of your mind – really look. Are all your behaviors and habits the best that you can be? Would you feel upset about transforming your worst habits into something more empowering? Overcoming the obstacles within you in attaining a more fantastic experience of life? Often times a person will become so COMPLACENT with the day-to-day environment in which they place themselves, including all the habitual negative behaviors and bad habits they perpetuate, that to change from those doldrums can feel like pulling teeth! You may be surprised at how tightly people cling to their own self-defeating behaviors simply because they do not know any better. Now suppose a Fine Dominant helps you overcome some of these bad habits at last. Would you say that is positive or negative? Suppose he helps you stop smoking cigarettes? Is that a bad thing? Is that a loss of identity… or you evolving into a Healthier Person?
Step with me for a moment into one of my favorite metaphors to describe such a person actually defending their limited existence, even in the face of a Dominant who has more than enough fortitude to guide them into a higher, healthier level of how they can manifest in the world. For this metaphor we step into the classic literature books of Dante’s DIVINE COMEDY, and more specifically Dante’s INFERNO. In the epic poem, Dante meets Virgil, a soul who lives in Hell yet is not necessarily bound by the laws therein. Hell in INFERNO is like an upside-down, conical ziggurat, with the concentric circles of Hell stair-stepping downwards and inwards towards the center, the 9th plane, and getting nastier and nastier as the “crimes” of the souls there deepen with each level descended. Dante begins on the outskirts of the 1st circle, where the transgressions of the souls on that level are laughably mild, and guided by Virgil he descends downwards towards the 9th circle where Satan awaits with a question and an opportunity for any soul who can face him and thereafter “rise up to Heaven.”
Along the way Dante and Virgil encounter other souls who appear to be in a state of slowly-dawning divinity (emphasis on “appear”), and as such they break free from the circle of hell in which they were living and join Dante and Virgil on their journey to also go stand before Satan and have the chance to “rise up to Heaven.” Yet as the story progresses, only Dante alone trusts Virgil enough and has enough faith in himself to continue the decent into the progressively more frightening levels. All the others who join the pair in their journey to the 9th circle eventually let their own fears or doubts or self-loathing overwhelm them so much that they end up racing back to their own plane of Hell from which they started… racing back to What Is Familiar. Only Dante has the fortitude to complete the journey.
Back to the real world, I have seen the above metaphor translate almost seamlessly into the excuses people will come up with to hold onto their bad habits and limitations rather than make the effort and complete the journey into a more beautiful and stress-free way to live life. So my question for you is this: Are you afraid of losing your identity? Or are you really afraid of having to Do The Work to Let Go of an identity that is keeping you trapped in your own personal “circle of hell” which, because it is what you know, feels safe to you? Facing one’s fears takes courage. Sometimes letting go of a personal hell, a set of self-limiting behaviors and bad habits that you allowed to congeal into something you chose to call your identity, can take levels of courage and bravery within yourself that will test the metal from which you are made. But also, in all honesty, most people cling to their self-limiting behaviors purely out of habit, and I have equally witnessed Good Dominants helping their submissives overcome these bad habits sometimes with little more than a gentle nudge and loving support for their submissive’s journey.
I have seen it with my own eyes – a beautiful soul who will rabidly defend her own self-destruction rather than do the work required to attain simple peace-of-mind and a healthier, happier existence. It is astounding how tenacious one’s own limitations and bad habits can become if you allow them to do so. So again I ask you: Are you afraid of “losing your identity?” Or are you really afraid, like the companions of Dante who fell to the wayside, of letting go of your own personal hell because it is merely familiar?
There is a GREAT quote by one of my favorite authors, Richard Bach, who in his book ILLUSIONS says:
“Name your limitations and sure enough they are yours.”
Your next questions are both just as intense as the underworld of philosophical self-examination we just walked through, yet at the same time both very pragmatic and very hardcore. You asked me if “extreme levels of self surrender have the potential to be a catalyst in triggering latent mental illness? And might the experience force me to return to places within myself that cause me terror?”
These are very good questions. The answer is that if you know these places exist within you then I am going to suggest that you address them Outside of Submission in a preemptive manner. Whether you address these by yourself with will power and determination, or whether you choose to seek out professional individual or peer counseling, this is work you should do before you offer yourself to a Dominant. This then becomes part of making yourself the Best You Can Be, and as such truly offering your future Dominant the gift of your lovely self.
CRITICAL: If you have a Dom you are already working with, then you should also discuss these matters with him, being as open as possible about the issues and any “triggers” that might set off bad memories. If you don’t know where the triggers are, then at least the two of you can be aware and at least somewhat prepared. Of course past trauma can be hard to talk about, but if you wish to establish Trust with your Dominant then it is best for you both to be aware of parts of your past that may play into the present.
Also, it doesn’t take “extreme levels” to set things off – even light play can set off a bad memory if it appears to simulate an experience that was negative from your past. Again the best answer is to be open with your Dom / Play Partner BEFORE you explore any territory you even remotely suspect might set off a trigger. It is also part of the submissive’s responsibility to disclose these kinds of matters given a sense of trust and safety that you can share these elements with an equally responsible Dominant.
Personally, I would say that self-surrender is not going to set off anything, as it implies Release and Letting Go. When done sincerely, problem areas can also be released. At those blissful moments of the deepest Submission, ALL is Intentionally and Conscientiously released, like the way one will “Let Go” during a perfect hour of Yoga. Negative triggers tend to get set-off by what is being Held On To, not what is being Released. Can you see the difference?
However if the Dom inadvertently acts in a way during your time of surrender that stimulates a bad memory or triggers a potent recall thereof, then your state of Blissful Release will probably cease, and you may well be overcome by negative emotions that take hold of you. Your own mental strength and will power can pull you through these moments when you get good at it and have full awareness of the situation. Your Dom being aware of the situation way ahead of time will allow him to do his part as best as he can, and you will get better and better at releasing from the negative experience faster and faster, and not having it throw you off base at all. 🙂
But let me say it again: Serious issues need to be addressed OUTSIDE of D/s. Your Dominant is NOT your therapist.
If you need to seek professional counseling, then by all means do so. Most of the kinds of heavier issues that could be a problem if they manifested in your adult Submission usually relate to childhood trauma (e.g. abuse of a violent or sexual nature). There are often FREE support groups in most major cities where you can safely begin to work through these issues and process them to be able to move forward and lead a happy and healthy life. A good Dom will be understanding of you attending such a group or working with a professional counselor.
Back to the souls who joined Dante and Virgil, and your issues facing you — will you Do The Work and Have The Fortitude to face your issues and finally leave your personal hell? Or will you capitulate, hold onto your issues, let them become limitations and let them rule your life, with you racing back to your own personal and familiar circle of hell? Please understand I am not saying it will necessarily be easy, but either way you will have to make the choice to move forward in overcoming these limitations in whatever ways you can.
As mentioned, a great percentage of what it takes to move forward as a slave and as a someone overcoming your own limitations is the element of Surrender. Let me be absolutely CLEAR: this is absolutely NOT the same as acquiescing to some bully.
Fetish Surrender is a exaltation of the soul. It is Letting Go of self-imposed limitation and placing yourself in the hands of One Whom you Trust. You are NOT asked to surrender to everyone. Keep your surrender focused on your Dominant and take time to be aware of how you do NOT surrender to others who have not earned that right the way your Dominant has. Keep this as a calm contemplation within yourself. What you will realize is that when you can Safely Surrender it can become one of the most powerful places imaginable to stimulate positive changes from within. 🙂
It is the Responsibility of the submissive to measure the character of the one to whom you submit…
• As a person will they be good and healthy for you, or will they be toxic for you?
• What are they like in their own life?
• Do they lead a healthy existence or a toxic one?
(q.v. previous Arcane Advice blogs where I write about this extensively.)
As mentioned, the Dominant must be informed about your past, and they must knowingly consider the information and whether or not they are capable and equipped to handle the potential atavisms that may arise. This is a measure of the integrity of the Dom, to be honest about their own abilities to handle such situations. It is easy for a low-integrity pseudo-dom to think “well, she is so hot that I’ll just deal with it,” however when the reality of a reaction from the past actually occurs, an ill-equipped Dom could loose control of the situation quickly and be stupefied on how to proceed at all.
You may want to take the time to seriously explore how your past affects your current life OUTSIDE of D/s. Does it? If the answer is yes in any other part of your life, then it means that you need to further confront and neutralize these elements.
Bottom Line is that Fetish Submission, D/s, and BDSM in general should be Fun, Uplifting and Empowering. Yes of course it can be passionately serious and wonderfully intense, and you can find amazing new levels to your own existence and desires, but it will be most enjoyed when done so free from anxiety regarding potential negative outcomes due to your own past.
Perhaps now is not the time to dive too deep, but rather to swim lightly in the areas that are still safe for you. Then with a fully informed Dom you can slowly test areas of greater depth one step at a time. Regardless, my advice is to take the considerations of your past seriously – don’t wait for them to show up as negative reactions. Act preemptively and conscientiously. Do not suppress these concerns or sweep them under the carpet.
At the very least act with Awareness and perhaps create a special Safeword that indicates to your Dom that these exact issues are coming up in case they do mid-scene. You may wish to “role-play” what you think a state like this would look like for the edification of your Dom, giving him a sense of how your energy might change on subtle levels. Give serious thought to whether any particular kinds of scenes might be more likely to set off such a state. You may want to hold off with deep training until you feel the issues are manageable and / or neutralized within you.
I would like to also suggest you do some journal work and write about your fears regarding your past and how they might manifest. Do such journal work ONLY when you are awake and feeling fine. Then you will be creating something of a “map” of the negative territory so you can identify it later when you first see the situation approaching. Then should it even remotely begin to show its head, you may be able to avoid a situation in the present, or pull back, or use a safeword, etc. The journal work, group work, and / or working with a counselor / therapist are ways to re-examine these experiences safely and develop the capacity to emotionally differentiate between your experiences of childhood trauma and your adult experiences in a safe manner.
I stress again doing this kind of journal work when you are feeling CLEAR-HEADED, not when you are feeling down or negative. Then if even the calm journal work dredges up too much stuff and it starts to suck you into a negative state, when you start from a space of being Clear-Headed you can more easily stop, put down the pen, and close the book at that time. Wait until you feel clear again before you continue. Processing issues by journal will also make the whole set of ideas more “lexical” and set them into a logical context in your mind. Of course they may still hold emotional intensity, but by shifting the gears there into that lexical-logical context, it can make it one step easier to step back from it all should it come up in play. One technique to begin to help neutralize the past will be to later return to your journal entries and re-write them one by one as whole new journal entries where you change the outcome or resolution to one that you like – effectively editing your past. It may seem silly at first, but it teaches your mind to think outside the box in regards to memories.
To Summarize:
Act preemptively. Communicate with your Dom and explore in a Safe zone for now. Keep things playful and empowering, and do not dive deep until you feel very consciously that you have come to a higher resolve in regards to your past. Pick a Dom who you feel has the ability to handle and be conscientious with your situation, but do NOT do so thinking he will do your work for you! You must do the inner work yourself as described above.
There is a Zen saying:
The wisest Zen Master can walk you right up to the door of Zen, but he cannot walk through the door for you.
— Arcane
Many helpful thoughts here. Presented with such a positive, non judgmental tone, thank you. There is much inner work to be done, it will be a challenge to know where to begin…