I received an intriguing letter from a submissive whose Dominant felt they had “failed” when the sub asked the Dom if they could have Vanilla sex. Her intention was simple: Aside from all the wonderful BDSM sex and Bondage sex and D/s that occurred within these sexual experiences, she simply wanted to Make Love.
It has long been the attitude of The Crow Academy that we never condemn Vanilla, but rather offer a hand to teach any Vanilla interested in learning about BDSM and D/s. Our world is NOT intrinsically “better” (though it may well be so for us personally) but rather just very different in a variety of personal ways. That said, when it comes to the sexual side of all the BDSM practices, I encourage D/s couples everywhere to never, ever become two-dimensional about their love life. The Kama Sutra is one of the greatest books on sex ever written, and it is 99% Vanilla (the other 1% is pro-biting and pro-scratching). Being able to simply hold your loved one close regardless of their or your role in the relationship and express a pure appreciation of each other is, in our opinion, a necessary element to balance even the most hardcore 24/7 D/s.
That a Dom should feel bad about Vanilla sex being requested is at the least a misunderstanding of what is being requested, at at worst walking dangerously close to falling into 2-dimensional, hyper-intellectualized roles which will eventually deflate into lifelessness for want of Natural Connection.
In my reply to the sender of this letter I go deeper into this phenomenon and offer a few ways out of this maze.
If your Dom is a “purist” about BDSM sex then it’s one thing to say, “I only enjoy sex with bondage” etc. I know a handful of people like that and they just make it clear to their partners during the initial negotiations.
But for him to feel as though he has “failed”… thats another issue.
It sounds like he has some erroneous pre-conceptions in his mind that because he has chosen to live the BDSM Lifestyle that if he “waivers from the path” at all then he thinks he is being judged as being less than a great Dom (and that “judgment” is in all likelihood 100% in his own mind – q.v. Freud’s Super-Ego). The truth is that every evolved Dom will develop Their Own Style to a greater or lesser degree, and as long as they adhere to SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) or RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink), etc, they can enjoy BDSM however it suits them, hopefully finding a sub who enjoys that Dom’s particular Style. Therefore if a Dom DESIRES to be 100% hardcore all the time they can make it their Positive, Self-Affirmed Style. Same goes if they want to only participate in Love Bondage practices a few times a week and their Style is more about Domestic Service, etc. There are a thousand ways for a Dom’s Style to develop. Nonetheless, in all cases these have the element of the Dom Knowing Themself Deeper, and seeking to Evolve into a higher version of the Dom they are, becoming happier and more assured in their own Style. It is NEVER about the Dom acting on a completely false premise regarding absolutes (for the record, commonly found in “doms” who “learned all about [pseudo] D/s” from a fantasy or fiction novel, for example 50 Shades, and who mistakenly consider that utterly erroneous, fictitious map to be an accurate representation of the Real Territory).
It seems like someone (read: some amateur / bone-head) told your Dom that if he ever did anything Vanilla then he is “not a real Dom” – that’s just as much bullshit as someone saying to a sub, “if you don’t let me walk all over you like a doormat then you are not a real sub.”
From all appearances, he has some growing to do, and some greater Self-Acceptance to attain. He needs to realize that when the two of your are enjoying each other, what matters is that the two of you are happy (albeit in a lovely intense BDSM way…. or in the occasional Vanilla way like watching a movie together). The idea that it must be “ALL BDSM ALL THE TIME!!” is nonsense. Does he make you always wear cuffs and a ballgag in the supermarket and in the movie theater? I doubt it. So no matter how hardcore we get, there will ALWAYS be some Vanilla elements.
(*that said, on rare occasions I have had a lot of fun lightly binding and gagging a submissive in the very back row of a movie theater, heh. Just sayin’, LOL*) 😉
I personally love love love Bondage Sex, but I also love sex in general, as well as Romance, Tantra, and Connecting with my partner. Am I less of a Dom because sometimes I want to make love to my partner and be Romantic? Ha! I don’t think anyone who knows me would ever say such a thing. 😉
He needs to understand that it’s about CONNECTING. If BDSM gets him there better than anything else that’s fine and an element of him Knowing Himself. But there is no one watching him and judging him negatively just because he might choose to be gentle or soft. In fact, his ability to be gentle and soft as needed only means his repertoire is Greater.
If you have never heard of the Qabalah, also called The Tree Of Life, it is an ancient Egyptian / Sumerian system that dictated various levels of “being and enlightenment.” To be brief, the icon most commonly used shows three vertical pillars with various “paths” running symmetrically between them. The middle pillar represents Balance, the left pillar is called Severity and the right pillar is called Mercy. I have always believed and taught that excellent Domination is like the two outer pillars of the Qabalah – on one side you have the Pillar Of Severity (Hard BDSM Toys, Strictness, Discipline, etc) and on the other side you have the Pillar Of Mercy (Soft practices, fur gloves, feathers, Gentleness, Romance). It is the opinion of The Crow Academy that the alchemical interplay of Severity and Mercy is what creates the finest BDSM Dance.
This is the Balance that we teach at The Crow Academy, that the best BDSM is never all Strictness and Intensity, nor is it all Softness and Romance. It is the movement between these and conscientious interplay of these elements by way of an Artistic Vision for the D/s Relationship that creates the greatest Beauty for both the Dom and the sub mutually. This is why Fine D/s is very much an Art Form to be forever perfected and improved upon, continuously growing and evolving, with new inspiration and new results appearing as time goes along. For me personally this is part of my own Joy and my own Zen as a Dom, that I still can get surprised with an excellent new outcome by letting the interplay and experimentation of different kinds of energy, disciplines, games interweave alongside the tried, true and tested practices and protocols to show me that there are always new and wonderful goals to achieve as Master and slave. It is my honest opinion that this Flexibility is essential to understanding and attaining the Finest levels of Domination. Note that I am in no way endorsing compromising one’s Integrity! Nonetheless, just like any other Art Form the greatest beauty might come from being open to trying something a new way, and the range of that flexibility is the span between those two outer Pillars.
Back to your personal case, your Dom needs to get over the erroneous concept that he is being judged as negative if he ever strays from the Pillar Of Severity. He will, in fact, become a BETTER DOM THAN EVER when he learns to balance his intentions with practices from the Pillar Of Mercy, performed by his Dominant hand upon you naturally. He needs to see this as a happy challenge and part of his personal evolution. He needs to lighten up and stop being so hard on himself. 🙂
Perhaps he may have been told by the same bone-headed advisor that the slave must be taught to absolutely love what the Master wants in all ways at all times. Also bullshit. The slave might DO what the Master wants at all times, but she will ALWAYS have her own preferences, likes, dislikes, etc. At a certain point early on, a Dom learns what the submissive’s proclivities are and then lays down the law as to what is mandatory whether the sub prefers it or not. This must be part of the initial negotiation and include the Hard Limits for the Dom. Thereafter these fall into the realm of Consensual Non-Consent on the part of the submissive. As time goes on, a Fine Dom will allow for the sub’s natural inclinations to arise while working with these to create an even more evolved, healthy framework for the D/s Relationship.
Negotiation –> D/s Law –> Mutual Acknowledgement –> Integration –> Mutual Evolution.
CLICK HERE for more about The Hard Limits of the Dominant
CLICK HERE for more about Ethical Consensual Non-Consent
I think he may also feel that if you requested vanilla sex that he did not “do his job” in making you love BDSM sex as much as he does. But that would be like trying to make someone only love chicken when there is fish to be enjoyed as well. You cannot force a person’s taste. True, he can certainly make a rule that “chicken” (BDSM sex) will be the normal food in the house, but that would need to be a proclamation from his side declared because his vision for the Relationship indicated that this was indeed the best course of action. Regardless, the sub might still want fish, enjoy fish, and ask permission to have fish on special occasions, to which the Dom may consider it anything from a gift of love to the slave, to a nice break form the ordinary conditions, to a pleasant stretching of their own Dominant repertoire. Integration of the submissive’s needs like this is the opposite of the 2-dimensional Dom saying, “I will transform your taste buds so that, like me, you only ever want chicken…ever,” to which I say have fun with that uphill battle. Now please don’t get me wrong – if both the Dom and the sub equally want to eat only chicken then more power to them! But in your situation this is obviously not the case.
It largely comes down to whether or not he is acting because he is expressing his Style, or is he acting because someone else taught him some very erroneous and misleading preconceptions about shaping the submissive’s inner world against the sub’s own nature. The former is fine and declared from strength; the latter is in fact nothing more than setting oneself up for disappointment and failure. One of my biggest personal lessons in my own evolution as a Dom was that even if I had the best intentions in the world for a given submissive, if they lacked a proclivity I considered de facto for a “proper slave” it was simply sometimes the case that I had to accept that all the training in the world was not going to change that lacking proclivity, nor take the submissive past their own “peak” in regards to that element. The result was my own better understanding that every submissive and every slave is different, and that the more I was able to embrace what made a given submissive Unique, the more I could design a curriculum in which that submissive could excel. One slave was an amazing driver and terrible in the garden so I allowed her to become my chauffeur, while a different slave had an absolute green thumb but whose driving made me nervous as hell so I allowed her to tend to the garden. This extends easily to something as commonplace as the need for more raw physical intimacy, which most people do indeed need. In the above example it was about designing a curriculum, and with physical intimacy it is about the Dom knowing when to build healthy bridges between his needs and the needs of the submissive (emphasis: healthy bridges. Again this is never about sacrificing integrity).
He can still hold you accountable for the rest of your duties to which you agreed, but a Fine Dom will also acknowledge and embrace that you are Unique in the precise mix of intimacy styles that you require to be at your best. And at the end of the day isn’t that what every Dom wants? To have a submissive feeling happy and fulfilled in their service to the Dom, serving the Dom at the submissive’s very best?
As we teach at The Crow Academy, that is the Ultimate Win-Win for both the Dominant and the submissive. 🙂
Compelling.
This should be part of required reading for all in a D/s situation! I love that your writing style makes use of every possible word to saturate your essays with information.