Origins & Realities
To begin, lets discuss the origins of the modern (meaning last 50 years) “no limits slave” myth. Effectively, a variety of authors such as John Norman wrote fiction novels like the Gor series, wherein the submissives were described as having no limits… and also no rights… in these fictional universes. People into BDSM read these and similar novels and recommended them to others as a source of enjoyable, soft-core BDSM stories. Occasionally, someone quite deep and knowledgable about BDSM would read these stories and get a few fun ideas on how to incorporate elements into the Real World of BDSM. A stylistic choice, a new word for something, a physical position described in detail to add to their real-life repertoire. In the best of these cases the fictional element was put through the filter of Reality (i.e. what actually works in Real Life) and the result was a fun new addition to the Style of the Dominant and / or to the repertoire of the submissive.
In addition, some readers found themselves inspired by the idea of such an extreme level of devotion from the submissive (slave) in these fictional stories. Dominants reading the books wanted a submissive as pure in their devotion as the fictional characters in the stories, and submissives reading the books wanted to be as devoted as these characters. Let me be perfectly clear that there is nothing wrong with wanting a devoted partner, nor wanting to be a devoted partner. That is a mutually admirable goal for any relationship, BDSM, Vanilla, or otherwise. Unfortunately, the model for that particular form of science-fiction-novel-devotion was based on a non-reality that was completely fabricated in these stories, with 2-dimensional characters living 2-dimensional lives. Hot BDSM moments? Sure! But the bottom line is that they were Fiction… Made Up… Make-Believe… Not Real. Thus began the 2-dimensional concept of the “no limits slave.”
The illusion of the “no limits” slave is just that. It is an idea from Fiction, something from the Gor novels or similar stories, and it is simply not grounded in Reality. As we used to joke around, you could take anyone saying “I have no limits” and make the intentionally absurd statement that you will have them “strip naked and go out to dinner with their parents at a public restaurant after you smack all their toes with a hammer”… and I bet that “no limits” statement instantly turns into a HARD LIMITS statement as fast as you can blink! LOL 😀
Effectively, there is no such thing as an actual “no limits” slave nor submissive. MUCH more often the case is that the given submissive has simply not put much thought into what limits they have, and that otherwise this same submissive (slave) takes great pleasure in being extremely compliant to their Dominant / Owner… an admirable enough notion. Nonetheless, given enough self-examination, these same submissives do eventually discover minor or major limits after the trial and error of attempting to live as “no limits,” and encountering disappointment or disillusionment with this fantasy. This is one reason why the very first video in our “5 Minute BDSM” series is all about identifying your limits, so everyone can get started on a much more sound – and realistic – footing.
CLICK HERE to watch our YouTube lesson on Knowing Your Hard & Soft Limits
Consensual Non-Consent
The KEY to resolving and refocusing this myth and re-grounding the best of this fantasy back into Reality, lays in the Advanced D/s element of Consensual Non-Consent (aka CNC). We kinksters DO very much enjoy a variety of levels of CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) from mild & temporary to pervading & ongoing, but the parameters of that CNC always get negotiated in the Very, Very Beginning of the D/s Relationship, before the CNC commences. Once a sub / slave defines any boundaries to the forthcoming state of CNC (e.g. “I am NOT polyamorous and never will be”) and the Dom / Owner accepts those boundaries, then it can legitimately be said that the slave will be expected to comply with any command that Dominant / Owner issues that stays within those Initially Negotiated Boundaries and respects the details of the Initial Negotiation.
It should be noted that not all BDSM encounters are based on constant CNC. Ongoing, all-pervading CNC is more the province of the “24/7” which we will discuss later in this lesson. Plenty of less-pervasive BDSM and D/s encounters only step lightly into CNC, and at times only for the duration of the BDSM encounter, e.g. during the BDSM scene, or during a Collar-On weekend, etc. The amount of CNC and when it will be expected is something that is discussed in the Initial Negotiation.
CLICK HERE to read our lesson about Ethical Consensual Non-Consent (CNC)
If two people are after solid longevity (i.e. a long-term relationship) as Master-slave or Mistress-slave, then they must accept that the Natural Condition of Being Human will necessarily lead to points wherein a sudden, new, unexpected command from the Master / Mistress comes into unexpected conflict for the slave and the mandatory or compulsory aspects of the slave’s normal, human life. This is, for example, why we have the Safeword “Bronze” at The Crow Academy, which arose when a command from a Dominant came into stark conflict with a slave’s mandatory career elements. “Bronze” became a fast and efficient way to convey the Desire to Serve while simultaneously asking permission to forego the command in the name of critical obligations.
Arrogant adherence to “The Rule of Law” by the Dominant in these rare, unusual, and complicated moments inevitably leads to strife in the D/s Relationship. Much more effective and respectful of the boundaries of the submissive is a TEMPORARY softening of the CNC while this new & unique subtlety gets hashed out so that both people are satisfied. Choosing to discuss the complication – the classic “unstoppable force meeting the immovable object” – and how the two can intelligently maintain 100% respect for the D/s AND also make room for the critical obligation, leads to continued longevity and a much happier D/s equilibrium. These extremely rare moments of unexpected impasse should never be confused with, nor perceived as, the submissive attempting to be manipulative nor weasel their way out of common responsibilities nor ordinary duties that have been eminently negotiated. This temporary softening of the CNC is HIGHLY situation-specific, and only occurs in very unusual circumstances, or when the CNC comes up against the stated boundaries of the submissive as presented in the very beginning of the D/s interaction, a.k.a. in the Initial Negotiation.
Example: The slave also happens to be the caretaker of a handicapped or infirm relative. The Dominant (Master / Mistress) knows this, and while the slave may adore CNC and be quite excellent in their duties as the slave, a genuine unusual moment arises where the slave MUST set aside their joyous commitment to their Dominant to Do The Right Thing and take care of that family member due to a sudden condition or circumstance that requires immediate attention. If an arrogant “dominant” tells the slave in that moment, “No you may not address the emergency situation with the one you take care of and for whom you are responsible”…. well to say the least you should expect divisive results!
Suffice it to say as well, that at The Crow Academy we have a pervading rule that, “Genuine Emergency Circumstance ALWAYS give the submissive / slave automatic permission to do whatever is necessary to solve the problem.” In such a case, we do not perceive the breaking of a rule, but rather proper attention being given to a highly unusual circumstance.
Needless to say, these boundaries dealing with any sort of critical obligation and concurrent LIMIT should be addressed in the Initial Negotiation PRIOR to the commencement of CNC. In the above example, the limit – yes LIMIT – would be “I have a [child / parent / handicapped relative / etc] that requires my special attention and I must always be allowed to do what is needed for that person, even if it means I cannot fulfill an order of yours.” The wise Dominant will see and accept the simple logic of that boundary, and either accept it and accept the submissive along with that boundary / condition, OR they might well decide IN THE BEGINNING that this boundary is one they feel will make them (the Dom) unhappy / dissatisfied and they can reject the boundary and concurrently elect not to engage with that particular submissive (not take it any further).
Bottom Line: Any limits stated in the Beginning of a D/s Interaction, once accepted by EITHER SIDE (the Dominant or the Submissive) must be respected thereafter, with the sole exception of Emergency Circumstances. If the one stating the Limit or Boundary later feels that they wish to withdraw the Limit, all they have to do is inform the other side. A common example is when a Hard Limit involving a certain highly-trepidatious Toy (e.g. a heavy cane) after time and trust is built suddenly becomes a Soft Limit. At that point the submissive can state, “I think I would like to try a soft caning” to which the Dominant can confirm that the Hard Limit is being withdrawn / softened, and the two can intelligently negotiate the details of the new, less-strict, Softer (Soft) Limit. Moments like this can happen even after years of a pleasant equilibrium of mutually respected Limits. It’s all about handling these moments intelligently and with mutual respect.
Re-Negotiation – A Rare Measure
What can be problematic is when the opposite happens. One side wants to suddenly create a new condition and insists that it is a new Hard Limit long after the Initial Negotiation. The matter is further complicated when that new Limit contradicts or comes into stark conflict with a previous Limit clearly stated by one side in the Initial Negotiation, and accepted by both. Given that there was no previous negotiation nor discussion of this new condition, and the new Hard Limit is imperative for some reason, then the only solution is that it honestly needs to be Re-Negotiated, and never just “shoved into place.” This should necessarily be a rare occurrence, and not ever be considered an invitation to haphazardly create new Hard Limits left and right. Generally speaking however, what is agreed to in the Initial Negotiation is the foundation of what shall comprise the rules that are followed, and the Limits that are respected in both directions.
This is one reason why The Crow Academy does not recommend “Lifetime” Master-slave (Mistress-slave) contracts, but instead suggests D/s Couples use progressively longer and longer contracts. For example, a new D/s Couple using The Crow Academy method would start with a mere week or two for their first contract so that the two can test the waters and check for compatibility, for example the Style of D/s they are looking for, etc. Thereafter when that brief contract concludes the couple “cools down” and holds a De-Brief period before the subsequent, longer contract commences. The De-Brief period allows for a natural negotiation between contracts where small adjustments can be made to Fine-Tune a D/s Couple who seem to be doing well with each other. Quite often if the Initial Negotiation goes well, the two will skate right through the De-Brief and happily commence the next, longer contract (e.g. a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year, etc) quite soon. Nonetheless, after the completion of each contract we recommend always holding a De-Brief period where the Dominant and the submissive are out of the contact and anything that needs to be re-negotiated can be done so without fear of violating the contact. This is also why even for a Dominant & submissive who are superbly matched with each other, we still suggest that the longest possible contract is “Seven Years Renewable,” for that exact same opportunity for either side to invite discussion on any pervading rules, limits, or conditions which could be fine-tuned for even better compatibility… yep, even after seven years. 🙂
Say for example both sides agree to be Monogamous, and suddenly one day one of them wakes up and decides they MUST have Polyamory, declaring this condition as a new “Hard Limit.” There is certainly no obligation for the other side to accept this new Hard Limit which was never agreed to In The Beginning. At the very least, the one presenting the new Hard Limit needs to be open to Respectfully Discussing this new condition, and equally consider that if the new condition is antithetical to their partner’s nature then this condition may not be a good idea, and / or it may become divisive. This goes for Both Sides – the Dominant or the Submissive – presenting any sort of new, sudden Hard Limit never before discussed which contradicts anything from the Initial Negotiation.
Again, this is why we emphasize at The Crow Academy the massive importance of a Healthy Initial Negotiation where both sides state their known limits, and both sides have a perfectly fair opportunity to accept the limits of the other side, or reject the limits and look for better compatibility elsewhere. The very element and meaning of “Negotiation” does of course mean that sometimes an unacceptable limit MIGHT be open to a Compromise as long as that compromise is agreed to in the Initial Negotiation by both sides. Likewise, when a rare Re-Negotiation like this comes up later, long after the Initial Negotiation, then a healthy discussion can still achieve a compromise that satisfies both sides, given Good Communication and a mutual desire to Succeed Together. This is the framework of Successful, Long-Term D/s Relationships.
24/7 vs The Alternatives
All slaves are submissives, but not all submissives are slaves. A slave is more or less the “black belt” of submissives, having shown incredible and high quality behaviors such that a Dominant wants to cement that interaction into a more fully committed level, and the submissive wants the same thing. The transfer into Master-slave or Mistress-slave is often accompanied by some manner of ritual, like the presenting of a “slave collar” which has greater meaning than the collars worn thus far, or the signing of a “slave contract” (or Master-slave contract, etc) which usually contains the rules and limits expected by the Owner, often couched in flower language (but not always). Typically, the CNC of a collared and contracted, 24/7 slave is far greater than the CNC of, say, a submissive who can only step into their role occasionally (due to career, family, etc), the latter of whom is not expected to be as deeply committed to the overarching D/s. Of course any submissive certainly CAN be extremely committed to the D/s even if they do not live a life where they can do so all the time. Such a submissive can do their best to express excellence whenever and wherever they are able to enter the D/s headspace with their Dominant, and the Dominant can do the same at the same time. That more or less describes a “Collar-On” D/s Relationship, which works for many couples. 🙂
CLICK HERE to learn about the Nine Kinds of Submissive / Slave
Master-slave / Mistress-slave (also called “M/s”) tends to represent a dramatic increase in the commitment and responsibility in the respective roles of the Dominant and the submissive, e.g. a Dominant already has to embrace the responsibility of Command & Control, but when they become the Owner of a slave, that responsibility triples (or more) at the very least because of the concurrent increase of devotion and commitment from the slave. When a Master (Mistress) and slave do this as a Lifestyle (i.e. all the time, effectively non-stop) it is called the “24/7.” Successful 24/7 requires that BOTH people are fully invested into the situation. If only one person is invested into the 24/7 condition (and the profound Depth) and the other person is only somewhat into that same 24/7 “always on” continuance, then the 24/7 condition and the disparity between the two will be highly problematic. 24/7 is best saved for when both people are both whole-heartedly, 100% mutually devoted to making it their shared, constant reality.
There is a myth that 24/7 is the “be all and end all” and the “very best” of all BDSM Relationships – this is not true and it is not the universal case. MANY people are simply not wired for 24/7. Some because of personality reasons, others due to normal, real-life commitments (career, college, family, etc). For those who this describes, 24/7 is just not feasible, and instead they usually opt for more of a “Collar-On” situation, which allows for down-time when neither person is expected to be “in-role,” neither as the Dominant nor as the submissive due to these extenuating, normal life circumstances.
The emphasis at The Crow Academy is longevity in D/s Bliss, and Successful, Long-Lasting D/s Relationships. To this end we take pleasure in dispelling myths, such as the “no limits slave” which inherently creates a fictional environment that disrespects what literally everyone has…. namely Limits. We Kinky Folk are NOT exempt from the Common Sense ideas that make for ANY successful relationship, BDSM or otherwise. Great communication, respect for the other person, the ability to Listen to the other side and really hear their needs… all of these are just as sound for BDSM folk as they are for our Vanilla counterparts. In fact, the truth is that BECAUSE we live in the world of BDSM, these same common sense notions are even More Important For Us because of the way that the BDSM & D/s (M/s) Lifestyle pushes the boundaries of Life, Living, and Relationships so much farther! The very intensity that makes us feel so alive comes with the added, Universal Responsibility to really push ourselves to Be At Our Best with each other.
Definitely reach for that intensity… it makes us who we are! 🙂
But at the same time, always remember that we are NOT 2-Dimensional, fictional characters from some Gor novel. We are real human beings with real needs, and when you turn up the Respect, the Communication, and especially the Trust with your D/s partner… that is when we really step through the Looking Glass and start living in BDSM Wonderland.
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