Many people want to find Meaning behind their Kink. Freud wrote volumes on the subject and never came up with a 100% well-rounded theory (but at least he got the ball rolling). I have personally attended gatherings of professionals where we analyzed a single set of fetish activities (specific kink practices) for MONTHS without attaining a 100% satisfactory conclusion as to their common origin or cause.
I am a firm believer in the Oracle of Delphi’s famous words, “Know Thyself.” However, all due respect to anyone’s Search For Meaning and an explanation of your Kink….. It is never a good idea to engage in “armchair psychoanalysis.” As a psych professional I am here to tell you that NO, we definitely DO NOT “all have trauma.” That is pure armchair pseudo-psychological analysis (which runs rampant on the internet) and not in any way based on the VERY REAL definitions of Trauma within the professional psychology community.
Making non-professional, armchair statements like “everyone has trauma” actually DISEMPOWERS the very Real Severity of those who suffer from Genuine Trauma. A parent not giving you every cookie you wanted is NOT trauma. Just because you grew up in a poor neighborhood by itself is NOT trauma. The absolutely normal struggle for hierarchical position in a family of many siblings is not trauma by itself (q.v. Freud and his theories about The Middle Child, etc). As a responsible adult, you can do your part to help put a stop to the horrid trend of self-MISdiagnosis… which always and ultimately ends up being purely debilitating.
ABSOLUTELY YES, if you feel you suffer from deep and serious trauma you should certainly get professional help. This can come in the form of paid professionals (Therapists), but also in the form of absolutely free Peer Counseling and Groups. The internet is NOT a good mirror for actual Trauma and Psychological Diagnosis in general, and “facebook-group pseudo-psychology definitions” tend to be wildly off-base.
Keep looking to Know Yourself – I applaud that! But honestly, do everything in your power to NOT self-diagnose ANY psychological condition without it being verified by a psychology professional (or Peer Counseling at the very least). Otherwise you are only doing yourself a gross disservice.
To put it another way, EVERYBODY goes through a similar set of emotions over the course of their lives. The struggles of one person tend to be the same struggles as everyone else, albeit in an idiosyncratic form. Absolutely there are exceptions, for example a child living in the Ukraine right now with tanks rolling in and possibly even seeing friends or family getting shot. We all certainly do NOT all have that in common, and yes that child could well grow up to be genuinely suffering from long term PTSD, etc. The counter-point however is that I have personally met people who are half Israeli and half Palestinian (and thus mentally torn between two worlds), who grew up with shells (bombs) exploding all around them in the Middle East most days of the week, who saw their friend and family members get killed right in front of them…. and their own natural mental temerity pulled them through it all and they grew up to become perfectly happy adults leading normal lives in the USA (discussed with said individuals at length, not merely an outside observation). Yes these people might be the exception to the rule of such a childhood, yet the concept to hold onto is the hard proof that not every negative event necessitates a negative-trend adulthood.
One of the biggest MYTHS that we at The Crow Academy have spent DECADES dispelling is exactly the MYTH that “Kink Comes From Trauma.” It’s just not true. Kink comes from many many aspects of one’s youth or even from events in adulthood, and MOST of them are not in any way negative. Destructive Generalization like “Kink comes from trauma” only ultimately serve to make the Kink Community look bad and fulfill the uninformed expectations of all those who seek to criticize kink and kink-shame. It is our DUTY to continue to dispel these myths and show the world the Extremely Positive side of Kink. A simple Google search will show you the various long-terms studies of Kinky Couples who, compared to their vanilla counterparts, have been shown to attain BETTER long term compatibility, have longer-lasting marriages and partnerships, express lives of far lower stress, and MUCH more. 🙂
I am not in any way saying that Trauma is not a very serious matter when it is Real & Diagnosed. But in the same way that playing guitar for one year in high school does not make you “A Guitarist,” so too does a handful of unhappy events in your childhood NOT automatically make it actual “Trauma,” etc. Only when a negative event shapes a standard set of adult behaviors into a permanently unproductive or endlessly self-defeating / self-destructive manner does one want to explore for actual trauma and pursue the alleviation (if possible) of said resultant trauma. As I said, sometimes people who experienced terrible events when young do not always have resultant adult trauma and / or negative adult patterns. Sometimes negative events in one’s youth can oddly enough galvanize an even “more determined” path to success in adulthood. These adults tend to have turned the negative event/s into a conscious, 180-degree-turn, and knowledge of what they want to do with their lives, often accompanied by a “never again will I suffer that” attitude and the creation of some surprisingly strong Will Power.
Self-diagnosing trauma – or any other negative psychological condition – is literally engendering an inner monologue of self-defeat. Consider: if someone criticizes the shirt you are wearing or the color of your sunglasses or your choice of cell phone – and all of these being choices you made out of love for the item – do you hold onto that criticism… or do you promptly toss it out in a “well that’s your opinion” resolution and Move Forward with your life, the criticism not taking up even another second of your Mental Landscape? Imagine holding onto every criticism on any subject pertaining to you, and imagine how that would take up an ENORMOUS amount of your thoughts…. how DEBILITATING that would be. Self-diagnosing any psychological condition is very much like that – you are literally burdening yourself where there does not need to be any burden.
And if you are one of these people – and there are MANY people like this – who are often lost in a swarm of thought wherein negative thinking tends to dominate your mind, then in all honestly LEARN TO MEDITATE. It does not matter which form of Meditation you choose – ALL forms of Meditation will help you get better at all other forms of Meditation – so pick a form that appeals to you. At The Crow Academy, it is mandatory for every submissive to learn a form of Meditation that appeals to them, and we STRONGLY encourage all Dominants to do the same. The essence of Mediation is the experience of no longer being tossed around by a mental storm inside your mind, but rather taking oneself to the Calm Center in the middle (eye) of the storm and finding peace there. From that calm center one can thereafter examine any aspect of one’s life with FAR greater clarity.
Another way to think about the virtue of learning this kind of mental-self-control (Meditation) is that a typical, non-meditative mind is like a person being pushed around by strong currents while they flounder in a fast flowing river. Meditation then becomes the moment when one climbs out of the river and sits peacefully on the riverbank, watching the river flow past but no longer being pushed around by it. Self-diagnosing any negative psychological condition is the opposite of this, like throwing yourself into that unmanageable river for no good reason.
Stop self-diagnosing. Learn to meditate. KNOW THYSELF. And if you truly feel that you are trapped in a negative spiral from past events, Seek Professional Help. Psychologists are easy to find, and in some countries professional psychotherapy is covered. In most modern cities you can find Peer Counseling Groups for free as well. Demand an introductory talk with a new psychologist and make sure you like their demeanor. They might not give you a session right there on the phone, but at the very least they should Make You Feel Heard even as they introduce themselves to you before your first session. If you live in a remote area, there are Peer Groups and Counselors – professionals – who can do sessions over the phone, zoom, etc.
As a final note, it is good for every Dominant to understand the difference between helping a submissive overcome a Bad Habit from their past, versus thinking that you, as a Dominant, have any sort of magical power to erroneously attempt to command-away an actual psychological condition such as genuine trauma. The former, helping a submissive overcome a Bad Habit, can be an absolute joy to experience with your submissive. I have personally helped submissives quit smoking, cut back on intoxication, become less messy and cleaner in their lives, stop eating too much sugar, learn to enjoy and spend more time exercising, adjust their sleep schedule to become more productive, overcome MILD fears and anxieties like getting creeped out by insects or mild social anxiety, develop better study habits in college, and more. It is important to acknowledge that the anxieties and mild fears are just that – MILD. This is not the same as dealing with a hardcore phobia which can cause paralyzing terror, as that would be a trauma reaction most likely and require professional help.
The latter however, when a submissive has a very genuine, negative psychological condition that requires proper therapy or counseling, are not things any Dominant should ever attempt to personally eliminate. The very idea that a Dominant might think they can “command the submissive’s trauma away” is utterly erroneous, and only sets up future failure in the dynamic. Understand that even clinical psychology professionals themselves are all instructed to never work on their own friends and family, at the very least because this removes the element of “professional distance” which is critical to successful professional therapy. Even the most talented psychology professionals know that their own friends and family are “off limits” when it comes to issues requiring professional therapy, and instead the same psych professional will be the first one to help their friend or family member find top quality therapy or counseling from someone else.
I once had a slave who was very high energy, and as such she had a very bad habit of interrupting. Over the course of our time together I helped her learn better manners and stop interrupting others. As time went on however, I learned that her intensely extroverted nature was a cover for some very sad childhood trauma. She confided in me that when she went quiet she began to think about her childhood, and so she had spent years cultivating an “always-on” attitude so that she never had to look inwards. This is a good example of where the Dominant needs to realize that it is no longer a “bad habit” that is being addressed but something far deeper, and that the best course of action is to step aside in favor of professional outside help. Upon hearing and understanding the depth of this slave’s childhood trauma, I helped her find an outside, kink-friendly therapist that she liked and she began to address her trauma for the first time in her adult life. She requested a kink-friendly therapist just so she would not have to censor any aspect of her life, however she later confided to me that the subject of kink never actually came up in her sessions.
In the case of a Dominant who cares deeply about the psychological health of your submissive, the very best thing you can do if it seems your submissive does require professional therapy or counseling, is to become the Very Best Support Structure for your submissive that you can possibly be for them. Be there to hold their hand and reassure them that the outside therapy / counseling is the right thing to do. Help your submissive find a therapist that they really like. If your submissive feels comfortable talking about their therapy experiences and what they learned, then be there for them to listen to whatever they have to share with you. Affirm their progress. Sometimes a submissive (or any person) might feel especially quiet after a therapy session as they mull over what they are learning about themselves. In such a case, just being present to hold them might be all that you need to do…. or even can do. Above all acknowledge any and all successes that your submissive achieves in their therapy or counseling experiences. And if your submissive simply seems happier after a session? Maybe just reinforce that happiness…. I have found that ice cream goes a long way. 🙂
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