I am posting this lesson because I still occasionally get people asking either “Why is 50 Shades of Grey such a horrible model for BDSM?” or “Is Christian Grey a good Dom?” or “Should I do what they do in 50 Shades?”
This lesson is my definitive answer regarding why 50 Shades is about as FAR from a healthy direction in BDSM as you can get, and why you should definitely NOT use 50 Shades as any kind of guide to Healthy BDSM. If you enjoyed 50 Shades – the books or the movies – that’s perfectly fine. Just be aware that it is FICTION through and through, and there is literally No Part of a Real World, Healthy BDSM Relationship that should be based on the absolutely fictional world of “50 Shades.”
Consider this intriguing fact:
1 out of ever 37 literate adults over the age of 18 ON EARTH has obtained a copy of 50 Shades. This is not to say they read it, but only to say they have obtained a copy. This is actual number-crunching based on the number of people on Earth over the age of 18, compared to UNESCO statistics for literacy, compared to the number of paper and ebook sales of 50 Shades, as well as statistics regarding illegal downloads of the “50 Shades” ebook.
I still 100% stand behind my belief that the 50 Shades “cat is out of the bag” and that we should “light a single candle rather than curse the darkness.” Hating the popularity of 50 Shades is like screaming at the thunder and lightning thinking you can make the storm go away. Don’t waste your breath, and instead APPRECIATE the fact that 50 Shades has indeed Massively Opened Up The Conversation.
Even just last night I was talking with a fellow whose submissive came out of the closet about her BDSM desires because she read 50 Shades. Adults of all ages and nationalities who might otherwise have left the subject of BDSM and D/s in their respective “that which is too taboo to talk about!” closets, have completely switched gears and now (2018) drop 50 Shades references into casual conversation. I have personally witnessed people who previously had no idea how to broach the topic of BDSM before “50 Shades” suddenly have a perfectly valid, common reference to mention the topic when talking with friends… and some of these people were highly conservative!
I still 100% believe that we can all help the situation best by fielding the insane MISINFORMATION coming from 50 Shades, and help get all the “50 Shades Newcomers” (coming into Real World BDSM) into an understanding of basic principles like Safety, Sanity, Respect, Good Communication, and above all Consent.
(SIDE NOTE – If you want a good laugh, consider this link where the author shows that Grey is a teleporting Incubus, and Ana is a vapid weather-witch. LOL!)
Comical 50 Shades Review – CLICK HERE
Nonetheless, before we begin our dissection of 50 Shades, consider this lovely quote regarding Female Submission written by an authoress who personally enjoys Healthy BDSM and genuinely appreciates BDSM as an Art Form (not to mention the fact that her books are well-written! No, she did not pay me to say this)….
“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That’s part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can’t refuse anything and can’t even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.”
-Cherise Sinclair
Now onto the Main Subject….
50 SHADES DISSECTED
1)
Grey is an Amateur pseudo-dom at best with serious mental health issues and a very expensive playroom. His disrespect of Ana on a variety of levels screams that he lacks the self-confidence that a Fine, Developed Dom will actually have. The fact that he cannot accept that Ana is VANILLA (with maybe a small kinky streak) and that he keeps trying to convince her to get into a D/s Relationship again and again, absolutely screams about his utterly amateur, pseudo-dominant nature. This headspace would have to come from “scarcity consciousness” which simply does not correlate when he is a Handsome Billionaire who could easily find a genuine submissive with very little effort…. it just does not add up. He is far, far too desperate to take on this non-submissive, slightly kinky, basically Vanilla woman.
Ana even tells him in no uncertain terms, “I am NOT what you are looking for,” and she is being completely honest. His obsession with her any further past that point means that either A) he does not listen and / or is a terrible communicator (unlikely when one is a successful billionaire haggling multi-million dollar deals), or B) he is so desperate to have a sub that he is going to try to “convince” a game-playing vanilla to be a sub….?!? Anyone out there ever try that? Yeah, how did that go for you? LOL. Uh-huh, thought so. Any self-respecting Dom that I consider a peer would have taken one look at Ana’s nature and closed the door with a “thank you very much, have a nice day.”
2)
I have known men who are Wealthy, Well-Groomed, Good-Looking, Handsome Millionaires running business with laser-sharp tactics. They do not act like nervous, greedy, high school kids around women. You do not rise that high without seriously having your proverbial “shit together.” Someone as messed up as Grey would have cracked a lot farther down the ladder. An “Alpha” at the top of the economic food chain as “handsome” as Grey would never act so desperately around women, especially someone as contrary to his amateur desires like Ana. He would never put up with it.
Heck, freakin’ Christian Bale’s fictional Batman comic-book rendition of Handsome Billionaire Bruce Wayne is more accurate to the people I know of that description as opposed to the “handsome-but-one-step-away-from-twitching” Billionaire Christian Grey! 😀
3)
I have also met men with loads of money who might be less well-groomed, less aware of social nuance, possibly be terrible with women, and/or lack social skills (the “I will lock myself away from the world and just focus on money” type). They are never as good looking or as well-groomed as Christian Grey. They may stumble with women the way Christian Grey does, but they are not handsome & flawless “Super-Alphas.” These types can often be very fumbling around women because it was just a skill set they did not really pursue. Of these men I have personally met, I can tell you they might be great guys otherwise, but just very inept with women despite all their money.
HERE’S THE DEAL: #2 and #3 just do not occur in the same body.
In short, Grey’s character just does not add up no matter how you slice it. In fact, seeing as how the origin of 50 Shades was supposed to be teen fan-ficton (in fact, it was originally intended to be TWILIGHT fan-fiction), I question E.L. James’ actual experience with men which seems to reflect a high-school-level understanding of the gender, and so it is not surprising that Grey acts like a high school kid. He is practically a caricature of himself – he is almost literally the nervous high school boy playing at being a “dom” because he read about it in 50 Shades – LOL!! 😀
4)
Grey’s mental illness pervades – his sociopathic stare, the complete misunderstanding of how to gently welcome a new sub, his rush to sadism. He even says, “I just cannot leave you alone”…. Co-Dependent as Hell anyone? Kind of a profound weakness in his “I Must Control Everything Grrrr Arrrgh I Am Christian Grey” character, wouldn’t you say? Sure even wealthy people can have issues, but the Alphas that I know personally are NEVER as messed up as Christian Grey – too many psychological disorders tends to affect millionaire-level productivity & decision making.
(Note that I am not speaking about those who simply inherited their wealth, e.g. old money – that is a whole other ballgame….)
“What about Howard Hughes” you ask? Hughes was known for having some deep, personal, inner conflicts, but they did not affect his ability to be a social climber, nor to function as well as he wanted to in society. Sometimes he did not give a damn and let his nuttiness out for all to see.
In short, in “50 Shades” we are expected to believe that A) Christian Grey has become a laser-sharp, under-30 billionaire who built his empire from the ground up despite having the mentality and approach of a nervous, sociopathic high school kid, and B) this somehow makes him a good Dom?!?!???
Um, No.
Christian Grey is FAR, FAR away from any sort of role model for Actual, Healthy Dominance.
(which FYI has literally NOTHING to do with the size of your wallet).
Grey is the diametric opposite of a Fine Dominant.
5)
The movie / book tries to send you on a highly-inaccurate, hyper-speed tour of the process of going from being a kinky play partner all the way through to becoming Master & slave. It is so disturbingly erroneous and misinforming to the world, that it makes the main characters look like a couple of caricatures dancing around like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. “50 Shades” jumps from character revelation to character revelation without the slightest shred of acknowledging the Extremely Complex Process that it takes to achieve the suggested beautiful moments in the Real World of Dominant and Submissive Relationships. It would be like Donald Duck picking up a canvas and oil paints for the first time and creating Van Gogh’s STARRY NIGHT in a matter of 10 minutes. Nope!
A Pseudo-dom In The Extreme
Ana says “Show me the worst” and what does Grey do with this recent virgin? Does he act like a Responsible Dom and say “NO” (period, end of discussion)?
When a new submissive comes to me personally and asks such an absurd request (and yes it has happened), I tell them that there is no point experiencing “the worst” (which I translate into simply extremely heavy play or Edge Play…), as my goal is to have the new submissive and I begin a Journey of BDSM explorations that Necessarily Starts Slow, even with self-proclaimed “experienced” submissives. I ALWAYS start slow with anyone new because I need to discern what are their REAL Limits and Proclivities, no matter how “hardcore” they claim to be in words.
Not joking when I tell you that 90% of the time when a new-to-me submissive has said they are “super intense masochists,” I almost always discover that they have dramatically over-stated their masochism. At the very least, a Good Dom will consider that such a statement is due to “Sub Frenzy.” By taking it slow, I am able to gently work up to the point where the new-to-me submissive can easily signal me when we are approaching their genuine Limits, which I have to report are rarely as intense as how they perceived themselves.
By taking it SLOW, we explore together, from one great scene to the next, with the ability to increase the intensity incrementally, and end up having a great time discovering the submissive’s ACTUAL levels of masochism, limits, and pleasure. A new-to-me submissive who genuinely enjoys heavy play and who tries to goad me into such intensity by way of misbehavior finds the exact opposite happening – they do NOT get to be on the receiving end of Toys, and instead they end up getting a Lecture! LOL! 😀
Unfortunately that REALITY does not make for a good FICTIONAL book (or movie) plot.
This is why I have said MANY times that Fictional Sources are NOT good material around which to craft a BDSM experience or D/s Relationship. Sure they can tickle your imagination, but BDSM practices and D/s Relationships MUST be grounded in REAL LIFE and Common Sense. For example, at The Crow Academy we have two “slave positions” that were inspired by the Fictional stories of John Norman’s GOR novels. We read the descriptions and ABSOLUTELY put that through the Filter of What A Real Body Can Do, and equally fit the goal (what we wanted the end result to look like) to aspects like Actual Flexibility of the submissive’s body, Duration that said Posture / Position can be maintained, Fitness level required to pull it off, and absolutely normal Musculoskeletal Realities. The end result are Positions #8 and #9 of The Crow Academy Slave Positions.
Meanwhile, back in Christian Grey’s Sociopathic World…
Bending Ana over and beating the shit out of her without any real Negotiation? Going from zero to 100 with hardcore toys on an absolute newcomer?? Using an ordinary BELT, one of the hardest toys to swing accurately? And a belt with large edge stitching to boot, which would make it even more painful and a toy I would only use on the most hardcore, self-identified masochist?
THE POINT:
No, Christian Grey is NOT a Dom.
Christian Grey is an ASSHOLE.
If Christian Grey came up to me and asked me to train him as a Dom and I had heard all about this nonsense of his “relationship” with Ana, I would tell him:
A) No.
B) Get to a psychologist – you are exactly the kind of pseudo-dom that we Do Not Need In The Scene.
C) Try stamp collecting instead
Look, if you are a fan of 50 Shades that’s fine. Seriously and genuinely. I know of older couples who had not had sex for ten years who started having sex again because the IDEAS presented in the books got them THAT Turned On. But PLEASE acknowledge the ginormous flaws in this pseudo-exposition of D/s and the utter bastardization of what many of us here know to be the exquisitely beautiful experience of Real Life Master & slave (or Mistress & slave as you might prefer).
Ours is a very unique garden that is worth protecting, and the misinformation and erroneous presentations of D/s within 50 Shades are like weeds in our garden. Your good and responsible knowledge of how High Quality D/s really works in the world, alongside implementing all the basic good ideas like Consent, Trust, Communication, Mutual Respect, Honesty, and Compatibility, is exactly the trowel that is needed to uproot those weeds.
With respect,
— Arcane
Ok, I get your point about Christian. But has anyone noticed this is a common theme in fiction with BDSM? At least for the male characters, whether Dom or sub? Either it is outright said or covertly implied that there is something wrong with the male characters. Why do they like to control women or why do they like to be controlled (or replace controlled with abused). Their must be some underlying reason or problem (mental health, abusive childhood, etc.) And yet, on the flip side, there is rarely anything negative (again, either said or unsaid) about the women.
And another annoying theme is that the female lead is usually young and unexpierenced and somehow falls under the spell of the male lead. Although the females are often portrayed as smart and independent, eventually they succumb.
Why can’t there be fiction (or if there is, please point me in the direction) where the female is a little older, a little wiser, and whether new to the lifestyle or not, stronger? And why is it portrayed that there must be something wrong with the characters if they enjoy it, again said or unsaid? There are so many variations that aren’t considered “kinky,” where is the fiction that portrays other options as something other than a mental health issue?
Very well said! These were some of the myths that we at The Crow Academy have been actively dispelling for decades. In fact, you could say that aspects of The Crow Academy grew directly from how absolutely sick & tired we were of all the dumb clueless-vanilla myths about people who enjoy BDSM. Thankfully in the last couple of decades there have been psychologists and sociologists who have equally taken of the fight and conducted amazing studies and surveys the indicate terrific mental health in the greater BDSM and D/s Communities worldwide.
Funnily enough, while Hollywood loves to perpetuate these stupid stereotypes, one of the better films, “Secretary,” at least came close to showing a loving Dominant & Submissive couple and telling an entertaining tale about how they met each other. Unfortuately, being a mainstream Hollywood film they only got about 70% of it “right” and otherwise they just had to thrown in some stupidity, and they made this wonderfully self-accepting submissive come from a background of self-harm (another moronic stereotype). The Dominant in the film was bizarrely insecure vis-a-vis his ex wife, and yet with his new submissive he displayed wonderful technique, love, and appreciation…. qualities that not one single Dominant that I have ever met would have obtained if they had not being Well-Past the insecurities and self-doubt. In other words, he could not have had those beautiful moments in the film if he had still been so full of the insecurities. It just does not work that way in the Real World.
Let’s hope that Hollywood and Modern Literature keep getting influenced by Real People in the BDSM Community! Slave Daphne and myself get consulted by mainstream Hollywood now and then to ask us for input on making their BDSM imagery accurate, and we never say no even if we do not end up getting paid. We had the star, the director, and the producer from the newer TV show “American Gigolo” contact us to get educated on the subject, and ended up taking them to a BDSM club and doing a scene right there specifically for them so they could see up close what Romantic, Beautiful, Passionate, and Connecting BDSM looks like. 🙂
I absolutely love that you mentioned Christian Grey’s “sociopathic stare”. Among the countless misconceptions and inconsistencies carried through by the 50 shades franchise, this is the one that hit me the hardest. Christian’s gaze is so obviously disturbed – and disturbing – that you can simply feel the impending psychotic break (kudos to Jamie Dornan by the way, despite his less-than-acclaimed overall performance, in my opinion, he portrays a mentally unstable Christian perfectly). Which always made me exclaim: “How can you possibly expect any submissive to give you control over their mind and body, when it’s so painfully obvious you are struggling to stay in control of yourself?!”
My best friend of 10+ years is a Dominant and I’m his Submissive. People think it’s a weird duo thinking that we are not in a serious relationship but we connect so well because we trust and respect each other. We are not married nor do we intend to be. We love our bond just the way we are. We equally hated 50 Shades of Garbage. Before I ever knew who you were, I already had a Master that was knowledgeable about the beauty behind BDSM and knew exactly what he was doing. When we had regretfully read all the books and watched 50 Shades, we treated it like it was a very bad comedy. Basically after reading your description about it, we had very similar things to say about it as you described. Christian’s behavior disgusted us. I couldn’t take any of it seriously. My Master had laughed proudly while watching me shake my head no numerous times and comment, “The man needs therapy and away from this lifestyle. I’d be horrified watching him handling a submissive like that in person.” What he was doing in my opinion is pure abuse.
I quite agree. “50 Shades” is NOT a good source regarding Healthy BDSM or D/s.
I absolutely love your explanation on 50 Shades. Personally i did like the books and movies, but only for the fact they opened of the world of BDSM for me and have led me to search for more accurate dipictions of the lifestyle. You mentioned Cherise Sinclair, which leads me to wonder what are your thoughts are on her Masters of the Shadowlands series?
Hi Lilly. I have only read snippets of Cherise Sinclair, although I have enjoyed what I have read. 🙂