Today’s Lesson: Why straight-forward, down-to-earth D/s makes for the best foundation in all cases of the many D/s variants.
We hear a lot about DD/lg, Pet Play, and Brat Play / Resistance Play relationships as some kind of Core Identity for that relationship, and yet these kinds of relationships near-constantly hit a wall. The idea of these specific Kinks, while obviously great fun for the participants, needs to be modified if the two people are seeking longevity together. As someone who counsels BDSM couples professionally I hear about a lot of failures in this regard. What my partner and I have found in all cases of the common reasons these types of D/s-Variant Relationships fail is because they treat the particular Kink – e.g. Pet Play, Brat Play, DD/lg, etc – as the Base Foundation upon which to build the relationship, instead of building their favorite Kink ON TOP OF a solid, well-established set of D/s Basics and D/s Ground Rules.
Basic Rules of even the most lay-person D/s typically include Mutual Respect, the Direction of the Power Flow (aka who is fundamentally in charge), Negotiation to establish what is liked, Stating of Limits by BOTH parties, and establishing mutually agreed upon Safety Protocols, e.g. Safewords. By setting down a good D/s foundation built on these Universally Good D/s Ideas, it’s like creating the Ultimate Boardgame with a roadmap that will work no matter what particulars you paint on the surface of the board. Think of how many boardgames you played where the Rules basically boiled down to “First one around the board wins” or “Around the board repeatedly until someone wins.” That would be a very Foundational map, right? Upon that you can “fill in” any number of specific and particular game rules, whether the goal is to amass wealth or pieces, or take over the other person’s territory, or simply be first to the finish line. Those “fill-in” details are the specific Kinks of DD/lg, Pet Play, Brat Play, etc. But the MAP on the board underneath those “fill-in” details is effectively the same Basic D/s Rules in all cases and insures a steady progress.
Building a Basic, Foundational level of D/s FIRST is like that simple around-the-boardgame Map that has proven again and again to be a great basis upon which to add specifics and details. For example, what do you do if the lg in the DD/lg is genuinely misbehaving, or if the Brat is going too far? Without a foundation of D/s Basics there is no established Chain Of Command other than a sort of “handshake contract” that vaguely suggests the direction of power, but rarely establishes how to handle matters that get out of hand. What if the Brat intentionally misbehaves to get a masochistic fix via correction, but the correction exceeds the Brat’s Limits? In all these cases having a pre-existing set of D/s Rules to Fall Back Upon will yield a crystal-clear method for handling all of the above, whether that means correction, or a lecture, or a time-out, or even the Dominant flat out saying “I am done now and you need to stop” with the Submissive – regardless of overt trappings and Kinks – having previously agreed to cease the unfavorable / unpleasurable behaviors at the behest of the Dominant…. based on the Basic Rules of D/s.
Basic D/s Rules include the necessary elements of Stating Limits and noting the shared Safewords, two CRITICAL elements in the world of BDSM at large. The same also establishes Boundaries of what the Dominant will tolerate. The Initial Negotiation of well-crafted or even basic D/s is when the two people can talk about how far they want matters and behaviors to be allowed to go. This is INVALUABLE to know, even if thereafter the bulk of your shared D/s activity is all about that one particular Kink built ON TOP OF the D/s Basics.
Starting a Kink Relationship without the D/s Basics is like diving into a murky lake where you cannot see the bottom. You do not know if you will have a nice dive or if you are going to smash on rocks. Building the D/s Foundation and agreeing to a set of very basic D/s Rules is like that same lake except the waters are Crystal Clear, and you know if you are diving safely. You can still dive as much as you want in that Crustal Clear lake… you can spend all day swimming in the Clear Waters of your favorite Kink… but in all cases you will be doing so with a far greater knowledge of where you are, safety parameters, and where the boundaries lay. 🙂
— Master Arcane
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