I was participating in a group discussion recently and someone asked an age-old question about Doms and a person’s Dominant Nature. The question is always the same, effectively the Nature vs Nurture question regarding Domination. Can a Dom be “Made” or is it something intrinsic to an individual, a part of their Nature? For years I have watched this debate go back and forth. I have even revised my own perspective on the answer as my own experience has grown. Although I personally started out VERY young expressing Dominant tendencies, thus landing on the “Nature” side of the coin, I have come to see again and again that a Well-Meaning individual who has even an inkling of Dominance inside them can certainly grow into becoming a Very Fine Dom given the right guidance, as I detail in my answer below.
Enjoy.
You can read PART 2 here: Not Everyone Is a Dom
This is an excellent question. 🙂
From my experience, from working with absolute newbie couples through to knowing a number of outstanding Doms and comparing and contrasting all of the above, I would say there is a spectrum of possibilities. Mind you, I used to say what many perfectly good Doms say, which was that a Dom could only be born, not made. But since the influx of interest in the last few years I have personally worked with couples where the man had a few “dominant tendencies” which, given the right circumstances and some solid guidance from an experienced peer Dom, could in fact be nurtured into a workable Dominant “configuration” if you will.
It’s sort of like what I teach Submissives when I tell them that, “The BIG STUFF is Easy (slave positions, learning what a given command means, etc)…. it’s the Small Stuff that is HARD (e.g. learning to control one’s inner workings, temper, improve response timing by a few seconds, etc).” Same goes with a newbie Dom. Anyone can learn the essence of Responsible Control of another person, but integrating the Gentle, Artistic side that will make the experience turn from mere instruction into Living Art is another matter. It takes a fundamental love of BEING the Dom to allow oneself (from what I have seen in my students) to flourish fully into a quality, kind-hearted Master / Owner. The biggest stumbling block that I have seen in many newbie Doms is that they are still holding onto outdated dogma (parents, teachers, religions, etc) which are telling them inside their mind that they are not allowed to be a Dom for some nonsense reason (e.g. it’s not “politically correct,” etc).
Thus I revised my stance on the former notion that a Dom can only be born and not made into a new perspective that being a Dom not only takes work and dedication NO MATTER WHAT (a well-known fact about becoming a Fine Dom), but that it also requires said New Dom to ALLOW themself to Joyfully Take the Ball and Run With It. An interesting component to this “allowing” is – quite pleasantly – the concurrent realization that to maintain the passion of being a Fine Dom, the new Dom has to Get Joy out of the experience. If one is to get joy from being a Dom, it necessarily includes seeing one’s submissive flourishing and happy in her submission. The new Dom must learn to not only act from a clever mind, but most certainly to become a Fine Dom they must also act from their heart (this is what we constantly see in successful students at The Crow Academy).
In other words, if one cannot get into a kind, creative, beneficent head space it seems MUCH harder to really let go of all that “anti-being-a-Dom” dogma. This is not hard to understand as – to be blunt – if one cannot get away from being an asshole then that same dogma will subconsciously reinforce, “you cannot tell someone else what to do because you are an asshole.” When a person is acting like a dickhead (pardon my French) they know it regardless of overt denial, and their subconscious mind knows it like a fire in the sky. So the actual act of getting past the internal negativity about being a Dom and finally releasing into the real joy of the experience (which then allows the new Dom to seriously take the Dominant ball and run with it)…. literally REQUIRES the development of a fairly strong ability to be Kind, Caring, Diligent, Forthright, Beneficent, & Creative. Add these to a man who loves his partner and the puzzle pieces will start to fall into place such that someone who might not have had the initial overt mechanics to be a good Dom could very well end up maturing into one quite nicely. I would say that all of my Dominant friends who I truly respect have these exact, positive qualities.
I will still confirm that certainly someone born with Dominant Tendencies will have an advantage, especially if they have been expressing these qualities from a very young age. However, even they will still have to work on being the best they can be when it comes to the above positive, beneficent qualities of a Fine Dom, no matter what. Concurrently, I am also happy to say that all it really takes to get started as a Dom is the tiniest sense that that there is something genuinely Dominant inside you, even if it has lain more or less dormant your entire life. You may have more inner work to do than the “Natural,” but since being a Dom is ultimately an activity that is Joy and Passion-Driven, most Doms find that the experience sweeps them away when they gaze into the loving eyes of their submissive, and any sense of “work” is replaced by a truly uplifting sense of Perfect Balance. As one opens oneself to be Responsible, Kind-Hearted and Creative as a Dom, while you remain steadfast in your diligence towards excellence in Domination, you ABSOLUTELY WILL Grow As A Person.
So fear not if you were not an obvious Dom from “day one.” If you feel that spark inside you, treat that spark and yourself kindly. Realize that being a Fine Dom is a Loving experience, and never forget that your counterpart, your wonderful submissive, has REQUESTED your Dominance. You are in a Consensual Arena, and both of you have come together like two people creating an amazing Waltz together, perfectly complementing the needs of each other. Some people are amazing ballroom dancers in their very first lesson, but most need to study the Art to get really good at it. Like ballroom dancers, we all come onto our respective dance floors and take our parter in our arms because we are truly fulfilled in doing so. Being a Fine Dom is about that Mutual Fulfillment. The time it takes you to achieve Excellence is what makes your personal journey unique. Be diligent, be forthright, love that part of yourself, be the best you can be for yourself and your partner. You are an Artist, and as we say at The Crow Academy, “There is no end to how much a person can grow and learn,” whether you have always been this way or if you literally just found your Dominant spark inside.
Read PART 2 here: Not Everyone Is a Dom
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