I was recently involved in a conversation further discussing whether a Dominant can be “made,” or whether they are they born into it. As you read in “Can a Dom be Made – Part 1” my perspective has evolved over the years into an understanding that YES, under the right circumstances a Dom CAN be made. However, in the recent conversation someone suggested a very “politically correct” standpoint wherein they stated that, “anyone is a Dom if they call themselves a Dom.” Are you laughing yet?
You should have seen the hackles stand up on the back of my neck, because if you’ve learned anything from me thus far then you know that their statement is grossly and abundantly WRONG. The statement caused me to reflect deeply on the fact that there are absolutely circumstance where someone will definitely NOT become anything worthy of being called a Dom. If you know my writings, then you know I generally prefer to teach positively about what people can achieve. However, after this conversation I thought my readers would benefit by being able to understand a few Red Flags in this matter of anyone suddenly self-proclaiming they are a “Dom.”
To this end, I decided to further clarify exactly why some people will NEVER make a good Dom. The spectrum presented between Part 1 and Part 2 should help you see what makes the scales tip FOR or AGAINST the success of anyone being or becoming a Fine Dom. I feel these extremes must be acknowledged so as to avoid allowing some miscreant to present themselves as a “pseudo-dom,” as well as making it clearer which qualities can be welcomed in genuinely well-meaning newcomers who could blossom into excellent Doms.
I begin by addressing the myth that “a Dom cannot love his slave” which has once again reared its ugly head, and of which I dedicate a whole section in my book “IGNITING THE FIRE” to destroying this idiotic myth, because Yes Indeed a Dom ABSOLUTELY CAN love their slave, and in fact in most cases this is highly desirable and even foundational.
You can read PART 1, here: Evolving Into Excellence
First and foremost, about 15-20 years ago I heard this idea that a “Dom should not love his slave; that it will interfere with his ability to be a Dom,” and I have to tell you that is a gigantic load of nonsense. In fact I think it is one of the foremost damaging myths within the greater world of Domination & Submission, and I am happy to dispel that myth. I have only ever seen harm done by this myth, and here is why I happily dispel it (in fact I dedicate a whole section to tearing this exact, particular myth apart in my book).
To begin, “to love one’s slave” does not have to mean carnal love. It can be simple affection, or even at the absolute very least a Sense of Caring about the submissive and absolutely a sense of Responsibility. One of the singular Most Important aspects of being someone’s Dom – no matter your style as such – is the ability to Accept Responsibility for the sub’s well-being. If a person cannot accept Responsibility for the sub’s well being, then NO, they should NOT be a Dom. Such a person will inevitably be nothing more than an Abusive Asshole, and that should NEVER, EVER be confused with a Fetish / BDSM / Kinky Dominant. That is EXACTLY the nasty stereotype that Hollywood movies love to give to the world, namely that Doms are abusive nut-jobs. Only in recent times is that stereotype starting to alleviate by way of excellent classes and educational opportunities for the masses (but yes the stereotype was temporarily worsened by “50 Shades,” which was thankfully called out and raked over the coals for their mindlessly idiotic portrayal of D/s).
In every case a “Dominant” has – to a negotiated degree – some “power over” the submissive. No matter how intense their BDSM play might get, there MUST be an acknowledged Responsibility 100% concurrent with that power, as well as an underlying Hard Edict that said power will be used ultimately to do GOOD in the submissive’s life. This means that Zero Actual Harm will ever be intended (mental, physical, emotional, or otherwise – I define “Harm” as true damage, not the fun & mutually appreciated effects of intense S&M). “Doing Good” can mean many things: helping a Lifestyle slave become more physically fit or show better poise & grace, provide guidance to help them get through college or do well in their career, even providing a much-needed cathartic release and flush of endorphins in a crazy-intense-yet-within-negotiated-limits caning session on the professional client of a Pro-Domme. Again we are not talking about the intensity nor the degree of mutually desired sadism, but the Underlying Broad Intent of the one who wields the power over the other.
Submissives open themselves to the will and whim of their Dom in all sorts of ways, and this openness needs to be met with an intent from the Dom that during their overall course of the interaction there is a desire to do something good. This means an intent to create beauty, create pleasure, instill healthy discipline, etc…. or in the most broad sense to Create Happiness in a way that adds to the life of both the Dominant and the Submissive. Yes for an intense Dom who has a more militaristic style and a sub who loves that style, this could be a “sit and shut-it” command, but again BOTH of them feel that this style makes them BOTH happy. Telling a New Dominant that it’s great to be militaristic even if it is not the style of the submissive will only lead to problems. I also like to suggest that, while military styles make great role-plays, a New Dom should refrain from choosing military / militant as their overall style to their Domination, at least until they have serious proficiency, understanding, and a very active grasp of the Responsibility, Caring, Kindness, etc, that I mentioned previously.
Think about how you would respond to an Owner of a new puppy (literally)?
Would you be A-OK with someone to call themselves an Owner if their idea of Ownership was to feed the dog and then kick it, to take out their unrelated anger on the dog? I am going to answer for you: Fuck No.
A puppy Owner should necessarily be someone who can provide a life for the dog that will in some way be fulfilling for that dog, whether it’s to become just a loving pet or a hardened guard dog. Either scenario, and the range in between, require an affectionate bond between the Owner and the dog. In most cases the Owner will love their dog, and at the very least a good Owner will properly care for and appreciate the dog. You will spot this immediately when you see the dog enthusiastically loves / appreciates their Owner in return.
Semantically, I think the argument that a Dom should not love their sub or be openly affectionate only really relates (with any good intentions) when PRO-Dommes will have clients who, for their paid one hour session, want their Domina to be one helluva Domineering Bitch (spoken endearingly). They want to be “put in their place” with little to no room for misbehavior (unless of course that is what they have negotiated, e.g. infantilism). HOWEVER, even in these cases, the very, very best Dominatrixes of whom I have the pleasure to call friends will openly talk about their slaves and clients with great affection, even if when mid-session they are the Dark Goddess Kali herself.
I will add to this that I am mostly talking about Domina’s who have been in their profession at least a decade, and above all who have clients That Return. In both the USA and the UK in the 90’s there was a rash of bone-headed women (yes women) who would pick up a riding crop, and with zero actual skill declare themselves “I am now a Dominatrix!” and proceed to dangerously abuse a vast number of male clients who tended to never come back to these asinine pseudo-Dominas again. Being friends with the aforementioned Quality Dominas, I would hear again and again about how they would receive new clients with horror stories about those pseudo “dime-store dominas.” Half the times if the subs / bottoms were really new they practically needed to be coddled by my Quality Domina friends into feeling good about their submission, like a formerly-abused dog who has become hand-shy.
Now lets discuss “Financial Dom/mes” – perhaps the singular biggest embarrassment to the entire BDSM Community. These Dom/mes who say “turn over all your finances to me” also tend to be despicable human beings who only do serious damage to the ones they CON into buying this crap. Yes I am speaking from having FAR TOO MANY letters from women who get conned by men like this who are nothing more than miscreants who do not want to work for a living. There was also a rash of the dime-store-dominas trying this technique as well, and it made a lot of potential new, well-meaning male subs seeking Pro-Dominas gun shy too. Personally I counsel people that if your Dom/me hands you that line “give me all your finances; they are now mine” to RUN!!!
Please do not confuse this however, with a reasonable gift or “tribute” from a submissive to a Dominant in the form of items or money. This is a common practice, for example, of the kinds of gifts given to Quality Dominas for their professional services. There are also most certainly Lifestyle (non-professional) Dom/mes both male and female who have received wonderful gifts from their loving submissives as well. For example, the original Crow Academy website was created for me as a pure gift from a short-term slave of mine, and given generously from hear heart as her contribution to The Crow Academy. The same goes for the unmistakable Crow Academy Crow Logo which was equally donated to The Crow Academy as a wonderful gift from a loving slave. And of course lets not overlook the abundance of small ways that any submissive can give to their Dom/me, for example fresh baked cookies as a show of love and gratitude, or any application of a submissive’s talent to express their appreciation for their Dom. Nonetheless, in all of the above examples we are talking about reasonable and realistic gifts, NOT handing over one’s life savings nor the entirety of one’s worldly belongings.
My primary point is that we need to STOP giving the OK to all these forms of ABUSE (irresponsible ownership, intent to harm, financial robbery, etc) because they do NOTHING for the BDSM Community at large. They only perpetuate the negative stereotypes….or worse give unspoken and highly erroneous consent to the creation of these kinds of abusive assholes using the word “dom” for decidedly negative personal gain and nothing more. There is no room for being politically correct here and saying “well maybe the sub doesn’t call it abuse.” If it looks like an elephant, smells like an elephant, feels like and elephant, and sounds like an elephant…. then it’s an elephant, and in this case an uncaring, irresponsible parasite propagating abuse.
Again, let me reiterate that I am NOT talking about how intense a Dom / sub or Top / bottom might play. I am talking about the underlying intent:
To ADD TO the submissive’s life, or detract from it?
You new Doms out there….. Ask yourself exactly this: What is your Underlying Intent? If your immediate answer is not that your intent is to Do Good in the life of your submissive, then you have a LOT of work to do on yourself before you can be a Dom.
In short, there is NOTHING good about someone who just calls themselves a “dom” who is in fact an abusive miscreant, male, female, or otherwise. And no I will NEVER acknowledge said harmful, abusive people as Doms. As I wrote, if they cannot take Full Responsibility for their submissive or slave…. if they are not able to be Strict AND show Kindness, Responsibility, Caring, etc as I wrote above…. then they should put down the riding crop and take up stamp collecting.
We live in a day and age where Good Information on how to improve one’s BDSM Skills and how to become quality Dominant, Submissive, Top, Bottom, or whatever you want to be is more available than ever. The first and foremost responsibility is TOO YOURSELF…. to choose to become Good at whichever path you take in wide universe of BDSM and D/s. As I have said many time, BDSM and D/s are ART FORMS, and most certainly practice makes perfect. Take classes, read books, and yes allow your natural affections and kindness to imbue what you are becoming. You can always “turn up the heat” and be more intense for a particular scene, but being a Fine Dom also comes down to who you are after the scene, when you are not playing. In short, becoming a Fine Dom also means seeking to become a Fine Person.
And to be honest, there is no downside. All the self-improvement you achieve along the way will only serve to make you personally happier. It will also take you and your partner into a Finer experience of Life together.