A fetish filmmaker responded to the previous ARCANE ADVICE lesson “Regaining Submissive Bliss (Part 1)” with a series of strong points that I felt needed a great deal of discussion, as several of these point ran parallel to Vanilla misperceptions of the past which have led to a variety of problems for members of the Global BDSM Community. The topic centered around unethical behavior from a slave, and what that behavior could be indicating. The filmmaker’s interpretation was dismissive of Healthy 24/7 Lifestyle D/s, and as such I felt this was a good opportunity to clear the air on a variety of common misperceptions mostly found in the Vanilla world, but ironically also occasionally showing up on our own side of the Kinky Coin. My reply was written to help him understand just how incredibly beautiful a Finely-Tuned D/s Relationship can be for both the Dominant and the Submissive.
I have reprinted the filmmaker’s entire letter below, and my reply follows afterwards.
Enjoy.
p.s. I Highly Recommend that if you have not yet read the ARCANE ADVICE lesson, “Regaining Submissive Bliss (Part 1)” that you do so BEFORE reading this, Part 2, or I suspect a variety of points here might not make sense.
(The Letter from the Fetish Filmmaker)
You [Arcane] make a good point that many folks enter depressive states and I would imagine, most of the time it has nothing to do with a D/s relationship…Depression definitely exists in the vanilla world.
And maybe she is in the wrong relationship and questioning one’s love for their partner also exists in the vanilla world.
Then again, maybe being in a long term D/s relationship just isn’t for her. Just because she enjoys submission, masochism and service does not mean that she wants it or needs it all the time. I would say that it is very tough to deal with. It always reminds me of the ole college study of prisoners and prison gaurds. Some college, back in the 70’s hired students to engage in a roleplay scenerio where half of them would take on the role of prisoner and the other half, gaurds. It did’nt take long for the prisoners to build a contemptuous personal animosity for the guards which actually continued after the hours of jail-time role play were over. Many of the prisoner role-players experienced emotional distress that spilled over into thier everyday life, and yes, depression hit many of them.
What is my point? Obviously being a slave is not totally akin to being a prisoner. But, when power is removed from an individual and their ability to act and think freely is removed, it typically has devastating emotional effects. And this is something I have seen all over the world of BDSM. Even the most submissive and BDSM loving women come to realize that being a full time slave is only bringing them down. I would imagine that the actions that she described as “acting in unethical ways that her master would not approve of” was simply a rebellion within herself to prove to herself that she could do, and would do whatever she wanted and that she acted out in ways that she may not have otherwise, had her master NOT approved of them. Essentially, spitefull actions.
You are right though, I do believe it all comes down to expectations. The thought and fantasy of being owned by the man you love and respect is probably much different than the reality. With this particular person, maybe she would have been happier, had it remained a fantasy. I hope she finds her way, whatever it takes for her to be happy…Nice writing 🙂
MY REPLY…
The famous experiment was the Stanford Prison Experiment (Stanford University, California) and yes, it is quoted throughout the world of Psychology. As far as depression spilling over into the “prisoners” life after the experiment concluded and after the post-experiment de-brief, I have never heard of such, although you are correct that what started as a group of relatively friendly people taking on one of two roles did deteriorate into a set of “guards” becoming abusive once the power was given to them, and a set of prisoners who felt excessively and genuinely maltreated, and who DURING the experiment exhibited clearly depressive states. The experiment was actually cut short due to an outside assessment that both sides were behaving in ways that exceeded the limits of ethical standards for the experiment to continue. The experiment was a study of the basic idea that “absolute power corrupts absolutely” in Vanilla, NON-CONSENSUAL Power Structures, and that people will subconsciously morph their own behavior to comply with a totalitarian structure when their options are limited.
Nonetheless, to compare that experiment to the beautiful reality of a thriving, Consensual D/s Relationship, is erroneously comparing apples and oranges. Unfortunately this is, no offense intended, EXACTLY the kind of thinking — namely judging Fetish Realities by Vanilla standards — that have resulted in decades of misunderstanding about BDSM by Vanilla onlookers and, as I will address below, occasional Genuine Persecution of members of the BDSM / Fetish Community at large. It is a kind of thinking that needs the brakes thrown ON, and every member of the Global BDSM / Fetish Community needs to understand their own responsibility in helping to dispel these misperceptions.
For example, you say “being a slave is not totally akin to being a prisoner” — I find the error in that statement to be in comparing the two At All. Being a slave in a Healthy D/s Relationship is Not In The Slightest like being any kind of Vanilla prisoner (even when the Dom and sub are enjoying a Fun Role-Play Game of that nature). Anyone in any bad relationship, Vanilla, D/s, or otherwise can “feel like a prisoner” and that is merely an indication that the relationship is dysfunctional — that can be your Vanilla husband and wife, your puppy love teenagers, your boss and personal assistant, etc etc etc. It certainly is NOT the province of D/s, although D/s IS a relationship, and like any relationship the wind may unfortunately blow in that direction. The way to heal “feeling like a prisoner” is really pretty basic stuff — work on communication, talk about your needs, start thinking and acting like a team, etc.
The very foundations of a Healthy D/s Relationship contain every element MISSING in the Stanford Prison Experiment – basic Good Communication and a Promise To Listen being two of the chief ones, and above and beyond the reality of CONSENT. Your statement that “when power is removed from an individual and their ability to act and think freely is removed, it typically has devastating emotional effects” is grounded in horrific acts from the Vanilla World such as genuine unjust incarceration and actual historic Non-Consensual slavery of African-Americans.
If you look around the Fetish World on the other hand, the act of Giving Up Control has produced endless amounts of Absolute Bliss in submissives around the globe. You wrote “even the most submissive and BDSM loving women come to realize that being a full time slave is only bringing them down” yet it is the opposite experience of myself and countless other Fine Dominants AND their submissive partners. Together, those who have gained my respect and understand BDSM as an Art Form, we watch submissive women Absolutely BLOSSOM within the context of Lifestyle 24/7 Formal D/s. I am of course not talking about amateur D/s from the hand of a Dom still figuring it out. I am speaking of the MANY reports from submissives who revel in their own submissive BLISS when they are Owned. You must also include the converse, namely additional accounts of slaves who feel dramatically out-of-place and out-of-balance when they are UNowned.
Case-In-Point: I was once on a 3-week, completely Vanilla vacation tour with a 24/7 slave of mine and my parents altogether. For the sake of not imposing our D/s Lifestyle on others I told my slave to effectively “act vanilla” around all the others on the tour which she did expertly. During the 3 weeks she never called me “Master” or used any of the overt D/s Etiquette around the otherwise ubiquitous Vanillas on the tour. Although of course she was not allowed to be rude, she in effect became almost completely Vanilla and was “free” of the overt responsibilities of a slave. When the 3 week tour came to an end I naturally de-briefed my slave when we got back home. I asked her very straight-forwardly how the 3 weeks of being Out-Of-Role went for her. Her answer sums up my point: she looked me straight in the eye and said she HATED being Out-Of-Role for so long (having never been out of role for more than a day or so while attending a family dinner for example), and that she felt MUCH happier being back In Role in our normal D/s Lifestyle… and this occurred after we had been Master and slave 24/7 for almost 3 years.
There are of course submissives who are not “wired” for 24/7 D/s — that IS a reality, that a Lifestyle 24/7 Dominant-Submissive Relationship is the right path for some while inappropriate for others. In my style the very word “slave” denotes my highest esteem of the submissive to be such that I believe 24/7 could be appropriate for her, and even then she undergoes a steady and slow immersion into the deepening levels of 24/7 D/s to test her actual D/s proclivity. Or as I sometimes will say, “a Slave is the black-belt of submissives.” 😉
You cannot compare the evils of Vanilla, Non-Consensual removal of power with a submissive choosing to consensually give up control. It’s not even Apples and Oranges, it’s more like Bricks and Oranges. To make that comparison is to offer the same disrespect of the submissive’s nature in which Vanilla misperceptions are entrenched. Concurrently it throws absolute disdain at what is the submissive’s genuine, Personal Bliss. This is EXACTLY the thinking of the British Government at the time of Operation Spanner in the 90’s when 16 gay men — both Doms AND subs — were imprisoned for admitting they enjoyed BDSM to undercover police officers. The UK government said that “no citizen may sanely give up control and allow themselves to be maltreated In Our Eyes, consent or no consent.” The UK government made ZERO attempt to understand that consensual submission and masochism were the activities that brought BLISS to submissives. After pretty much the entire Global BDSM Community went up in arms over Operation Spanner and the “Spanner 16” and began sending thousands and thousands of dollars to the lawyers, the case went all the way to the European Court Of Human Rights. Although the outcome took 3 years to resolve before the 16 were released, this sent waves of awareness through the UK government levels, and now, AT LAST, people in the UK can freely enjoy BDSM without fear of prosecution.
The perception that the Fetish World of Giving Up Control and being a “slave” is in any way connected to the horrific Vanilla realities of past cultures and civilizations, is in fact one of the fundamental elements of MISUNDERSTANDING by the Vanilla world. A FETISH “slave” and the horrific, historic reality of the VANILLA “slave” have almost nothing in common save the literal word “slave” itself. The Vanilla historic slave was a second class citizen with their rights non-consensually stripped away; the Fetish slave on the absolute opposite side is a cherished soul who achieves their own personal fulfillment via consensual submission to One Whom They Trust. I have long said it will be a great day when the entire BDSM / Fetish Community has a whole new set of terminology so we can stop being confused with the Vanilla reflection. That said, I can make a humorous counter argument that terms like “slave,” “dungeon,” and “flogging,” etc, have that much more zeal BECAUSE, although we have no desire to live the realities, we do have the ability to create SAFE and intriguing fantasies about those harsh realities which we Fetishists transform within the Consensual world of Mutual, Shared Pleasure.
Back to the topic of this woman and her situation, as my understanding is that you personally do not approve of Serious, Formal D/s Relationships and do not believe they exist (and I am making that observation based mainly on some infamous blogs and bulletins you have published online, all due respect), I expect this is strongly coloring your own perception of D/s. Lets be honest — the bulk of women who you deal with are PAID to “act” submissive on camera with the end goal being cash and an orgasm — these are barely even the same creature as a woman who seeks to Serve and to be Owned by a loving and caring Dominant and whose end goal is relationship bliss (and I make that call speaking from my own experience having trained slaves both from within the “pro” world of BDSM and those who have never set foot in such and have no desire to be on film nor receive money for “acting submissive”).
My own experience, and the experience of other Doms who treat D/s as an ART FORM, is absolutely the opposite to what you have outlined. On numerous occasions we have witnessed our slaves FLOURISH within the strict frame of control that a healthy D/s Relationship provides, where nearly every talent and virtue the slave possesses is respected and nourished towards and even higher level. Furthermore, there is not a Dom in the world whom I personally respect who treats his slave as any form of “prisoner” except, again, in fun role-play games they might share. Quite The Opposite is true with the Finest Doms I know, that the slave is perceived as a beautiful Bon-Sai to be groomed towards perfection, a precious flower to be raised, a fine athlete to be trained, and / or a work of art in progress to add greater beauty to the world. Full rights and responsibilities are given to the Lifestyle (24/7 D/s) slave within the overwhelming context of the FORMAL D/s ETIQUETTE, a set of rules which when followed make a healthy D/s Relationship one of the SMOOTHEST flowing kinds of relationship around. The truth of the most hardcore 24/7 D/s Lifestyle is that it WILL “test the mettle” of what the slave is made, yet ironically it is the slave herself who will amaze the Fine Dom again and again with acts of such profound Willpower and Centeredness that it often makes the average Vanilla – male or female – seem profoundly weak by comparison.
I once was doing a BDSM demonstration with a 24/7 slave at a club that allowed Vanilla attendees. After the show one clueless male “frat boy” type came up to me with disdain in his manner as I was speaking to my cherished slave and he said, “why would you want a WEAK woman?” indicating my slave. As profoundly rude as he was, I responded by calmly looking him straight in the eye and said from a place of absolute experience, “my friend, you WISH in your WILDEST Dreams that you had 1/100th of the Inner Strength and Willpower that this woman has,” after which he silently turned away in a confused state as he began to understand his own absolute misperception.
I am happy to concede that D/s Couples are not excused from the basic tenets of any form of healthy relationship – good communication, trust and honesty – and in fact I openly advocate the virtue of these. The truth is that, on the average, within the BDSM Community and the world of the D/s Relationship these same tenets are adhered to More Strongly than their Vanilla counterparts for the simple reason that we in the Fetish Universe PUSH THE ENVELOPE farther and as such we have no room for dishonesty, miscommunication, or mistrust. It is a process of mutual investment of personal energy from both the Dom and the sub, and even more importantly — and this is a key point that I hope and plan to seriously convey to the burgeoning neo-doms out there — is the fact that the Dom MUST absolutely INVEST themself into the D/s even MORE than the sub. It basically comes down to this: How can you be a Fine Leader to your slave if you cannot lead yourself? One of the first things I will teach a new Dom is that THE DOM MUST WORK ON THEMSELF EASILY TWICE AS HARD AS THEY WILL EVER WORK ON THEIR SLAVE. There really is no room for a lazy Dom who thinks all they have to do is be bossy. That sort of Dom is doomed to have failed D/s relationships.
To bring this back around to the actions of choosing unethical behavior, you are possibly correct that there may well be a spiteful element contained within, but I would not stop there and I would take it one step further that she is probably crying out for attention as well. If her Dom does not know about the actions, then there is a good chance she is testing her own ethical boundaries, and from the letter received I would venture that she did not like the end-result feelings (Dostoyevsky’s prediction vindicated). It is also true that the REALITY of living a 24/7 D/s Lifestyle is often a shock to the newbie submissive who has only received their information from miscellaneous fantasy sources (The Story of O, The Beauty Series, etc) and wakes up to find the REALITY of the D/s Relationship to be much more complicated and involved than the fantasy novels. This is again why you will find me now and in the future pushing so very much for the Doms of the world to clean up their own acts and start seriously understanding that FINE D/s IS AN ART FORM to be Perfected, with no upper limit to how Good a Dom can get — just like becoming a Master Musician or a Professional Athlete. Only when a Dom takes on the FULLEST RESPONSIBILITY of treating D/s with this level of seriousness will they appreciate the Care and Finesse that MUST go into the training of their own slave, and THAT is the level of skill a Fine Dom will bring into any and every D/s Relationship. As such, the indirect right-of-passage wherein the newbie sub is gracefully brought into the Reality of Lifestyle D/s should be an endlessly smoother and more mutually fulfilling process (and of course all other aspects of the D/s will improve as well). I often use the analogies of raising a child, training an athlete, and perfecting a work of art to represent the EXTREME amounts of Focus, Care, Forethought, and Dedication that MUST come from a Dom if they are to attain the Finest levels of D/s with their slave. There are no two ways about it. Fine D/s is all-or-nothing — the Dom cannot succeed with a half-hearted effort.
To remove this discussion from generalizations about the Global reality of D/s and focus on this one, particular woman’s situation, if she were to turn out to be the kind of woman who belligerently “tests” the Dom on a regular basis to “prove to herself that she could do, and would do whatever she wanted” as you said, then I agree in part that for the Dom to continue training such a person is probably a bad idea. Knowingly belligerent behavior from a slave which the slave views as valid for internal reasons is an unhealthy expression within the D/s — or any relationship for that matter. The Dom, upon seeing and experiencing said belligerence, will have to make a choice of whether or not he intends to address the situation as though he is dealing with a problematic child or a confused student, or if the belligerence is in fact a regular pattern of behavior and he should terminate the D/s Relationship completely.
I will say it again, that a Successful D/s Relationship is a TEAM EFFORT. The Dom by themself can only do so much if the slave is not going to do their part. There is no mystery why the Successful D/s Relationship has been called “A Dance” — when you are on the dance floor BOTH people have moves and it is the interplay between the two that eventually burns up the dance floor. Thus, if this woman were to choose unethical behavior she would be intentionally throwing off moves that deteriorate The Dance, not add to it. The Dom may choose to attempt to teach her better moves, but if she is non-cooperative eventually he must come to the realization that he is wasting his good energy on an unappreciative student. On the flip side, a Patient and Experienced Dom may well be able to reel in the unethical behavior through a vast array of techniques available, and in doing so reestablish a healthy harmony within the relationship. Either way the slave must WANT the end result to be mutual fulfillment and happiness once again and they must both Keep Their Eyes On The Prize as they say. 🙂
Let me close this by adding a drop more Food For Thought:
One of the more controversial topics I deal with briefly in my forthcoming book is the idea that there are certainly LIMITS to the kinds of behaviors any Dominant or Master should be expected to accept in his slave. Should misbehaviors come from a deeply rooted source, i.e. some form of abuse the adult submissive suffered in their childhood, it is in my honest opinion the responsibility of any Fine Dom to INSIST that their submissive goes in for proper counseling. Otherwise failure of the relationship is fairly likely.
Although a Fine Dom is certainly someone who hones their skill in the Art of Care-taking with their slave in whatever predominant style the Dom chooses, the bottom line is that the typical Dom is NOT a professional psychologist (and even if ironically they were, professional psychologists are STRONGLY advised against ever treating their own family members or loved ones anyway). To me this is part of the responsibility of the Dom, part of truly caring for the slave should the slave come from an unresolved, troubled past. Such counseling does not have to cost a cent as there are thousands of absolutely free support groups for adults coming from childhood abuse, as well as CoDA, AA, NA, etc.
I did not address this in the initial “Regaining Submissive Bliss (Part 1)” lesson because the author of the initial letter did not give me an indication of any such past. However, on a broader level, repetitious unethical and destructive behavior patterns within ANY relationship (Vanilla or Fetish) that seem “uncontrollable” and out of context within the relationship all too often stem from some form of abusive childhood. For the Dom and sub to succeed together, childhood trauma should be considered within a professional (including group) counseling setting, at least briefly. This will help enable the Dom and sub to surmount the submissive’s past and the resulting problematic behaviors. Then the two will stand a much higher chance of successfully sharing and celebrating the ecstasy of the 24/7 Lifestyle D/s Dance.
All the best,
— Arcane
I don’t know what I enjoyed more….reading your articles or reading the conversation ABOUT the articles, lol. Wonderful reading 🙂