Regaining Submissive Bliss
Part 1 – Confronting Yourself

A collared slave wrote me telling me she was starting to question her role of slave and being in a D/s relationship, and that she was finding herself in a deep depression. She opened up that she was actually beginning to behave in unethical ways of which she knew for a fact her Master would not approve. She asked what she could do to overcome the depression, feel inspired to clean up her behavior, and stop questioning her choice of her role (submissive) in the D/s relationship. The answer required a great deal of thought because there are so many areas to consider, so many questions to ask. I thought this was going to be an easy question to answer but in fact it was one of the most difficult. However, I believe my answer at least comes up with a wide enough variety of areas to consider should one find oneself in a similar position of simultaneous questioning but also wanting to be back in that blissful place of feeling good and happy about the choice of being someone’s cherished slave.

Enjoy.

p.s. This Lesson continues in “Regaining Submissive Bliss (Part 2)” if you would like to read how one fetish filmmaker responded to Part 1 with various misconceptions, and how I replied to help him clear up his misinformation. 🙂

This is not a simple issue. There are quite a few levels that must be examined – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Lets address each one:

PHYSICALLY:
Beyond the obvious regarding chemical depression, which we will assume is NOT the case for the sake of discussion here, lets look at other physical factors that can create a depressive state of mind:
1) Are you getting enough Exercise? It s a well established fact that regular exercise fights depression on many levels.
2) Are you getting enough Physical Affection? Do you and your Master have a good Physical relationship? Are you happy with your Physical relationship with your Master? This can include your BDSM play working for both of you, your normal sex life together, and also small things like the day-to-day way you touch each other in passing, or spend time next to each other at the end of the day.
3) Diet: Are you eating properly? Hate to sound pedantic, but this should not be underestimated. Good nutrition is much more important than you think. If you are experiencing coffee or sugar crashes on a regular basis your mood is going to go way off. Conversely, eating properly and healthily has an amazing effect on one’s sense of well-being, and an improved outlook on life follows suit. Also, water – a healthy human being will drink approximately one quart of water for every 50-70 pounds (or 1 liter / 30 kg) of body weight every single day. Proper hydration will do WONDERS for your state of mind – try it and find out. 🙂

MENTALLY:
1) Are you properly mentally stimulated? Are you doing creative projects, reading books, or learning new things? Is your intellectual appetite being satisfied?

2) Sorry to be Mr Obvious, but are there any issues that you are dealing with that stem from OUTSIDE the relationship? This can include work-related issues and pressure from work, family or holiday pressure, or even deeper issues stemming from one’s past that have not been resolved. It is VERY important to AVOID Bringing Outside Stress into the D/s Relationship and erroneously blaming that Outside Stress on the D/s Relationship. If there are internal stresses within the Relationship that is one thing, but one of the fastest ways to bring about internal strife unnecessarily is to blame the stress of outside issues on the D/s. Let the D/s relationship be a HAVEN from the outside stress, the island in the waves, the calm in the center of the storm.

3) Do you feel Mentally Even-Keel? How do you react to stress on a daily level? Do you harbor unusual fears? Can you smile at the simple joys of life? How quickly do you recover from life’s ordinary small disappointments (i.e. they are out of your favorite product at the supermarket, etc)? And as simple as it sounds, how easily do you Laugh? Also, do you Meditate in ANY form (see #3 under SPIRITUALLY below)? Any form of Meditation will help one become more even-keel.

4) Do you trust your Master? Does he trust you? People actually need ethical balance to be happy, more than many suppose. Are you behaving in a way that feels morally and ethically correct? Are you and your Master stimulating and creating an environment of Mutual Trust? If you manifest or initiate actions that are questionable, then you have to live with those choices, whether your partner finds out about them or not. The burden of knowingly behaving in an unethical fashion is the stuff of legend. Dostoyevsky tackled it in an over-stated manner in his famous book, “Crime and Punishment,” namely to say that guilt will mess with your head and make you do all kinds of crazy things. If you have done something that is making you feel guilty – and we are not talking about religious guilt here, but personal guilt based on the knowledge of your own actions being unethical – you will need to clear the air somehow. If your Master is a forgiving person you can open up to him about it. If you fear the repercussions of your actions, then you will have fear to deal with as well and you may simply have to make some kind of restitution within yourself. The first and foremost thing is to make a personal promise to yourself that you will refrain from any such actions in the future. It is never too late to lead a high-integrity life. Demand this of yourself. Take the time to right the wrongs, even if done subtly and “behind the scenes” – see if you can replace negative results of your actions with much higher positive results purely manifested from your own good will. In Zen they call this “Right Action.” If you are in a tight spot and one choice of action causes ethical confusion within you and the opposite brings a sense of positive inspiration, odds are you should go for the inspired action. Seek Mutual Trust like the holy grail, and if you feel a question of trust in your Master then find some way to speak to him about your feelings. Trust is soooo precious and not to be underestimated ever – having Mutual Trust is an AMAZING experience to share. 🙂

5) Do you feel Mentally Stimulated in your Gestures and Acts of Submission? It is unfortunately not that uncommon for a slave to desire a steady stream of ways to express their submissive soul only to find that the Dominant / Master has not given her enough ways to do so. It is not about holding your Master to any kind of “right” or “wrong” amount of task-assigning, but if you feel deeply that you wish to have more ways to express your submission, you MUST convey this to your Dominant / Master. This is such an important area to address. There are countless tales of submissives burning out because they do not have enough stimulation to their submissive soul. Do not underestimate the importance of this and talk to your Dom about it if you feel under-stimulated in ways you can express your submission. Take it one step further than that and think of a wide variety of ways you can express your submissive soul and respectfully present these ideas to your Dom so he can choose the ones he prefers.

EMOTIONALLY:
1) Is there any particular issue that you can identify that is making you sad? Did anything traumatic happen recently, either from within the relationship or outside the relationship? This is about addressing sadness as an event by itself. There is AMAZING power to be gained from being able to identify a negative emotion and consciously switch to a more positive one (q.v. the amazing movie “The Secret”). This does NOT mean brushing an issue under the carpet, but it DOES mean looking at the issue from the most positive facet and positive perspective that you can manifest.

2) Do you feel Emotionally Fulfilled? Do you feel Loved? Understood? Cherished? Appreciated? Do you have a sense of these emotions being reciprocated back and forth between the two of you? In any of these, if the answer is “no” then do not hold back on conversation – speak to your Master. If you do not feel understood for example, do not inappropriately tell him in tones of blame. Instead explain WHAT it is that you feel misunderstood about. You may have to dig within yourself to find the best words to explain your emotions. Explain what you need from your Master to feel all of these positive emotions by way of offering MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL solutions – i.e. don’t say “I need xyz” – instead say “I believe we can both feel [better understood / appreciated / etc] if we [take an hour out-of-role of each day to de-brief / start each day with a co-created affirmation ritual illuminating our connection / etc].” Try to ALWAYS think in terms of solutions that will make both of you smile. 🙂

SPIRITUALLY:
1) Do you have a defined sense of “the spiritual” in your life? This can of course be ANYTHING. It does not have to be any kind of organized religion. For some it is Zen, for others it is Nature, for others it is The Power of Positive Thinking. And yes of course it can be religion too. Whatever it is, your spirituality should give you a sense of “uplifting hope” that problems ARE surmountable. This is of course aimed at all of life, but also aimed at the reality of your relationship. Lets face it: ALL Relationships – Vanilla, Fetish, BDSM, D/s or otherwise will ALWAYS have points of conflict. What will get two people through these times (amongst other things) is having a mutual sense that solutions CAN be achieved from a very high place, even if it takes you a while to get there. 🙂

2) Do you and your Master share the same spirituality in any sense? You do not have to have the same religion as long as some of the fundamental prescripts overlap. For example an atheist can date a deeply religious person as long as both believe that it is important to “Be Happy Inside” and “Be Kind To Others” – they really don’t have to have the exact same spirituality, just good overlaps somewhere. 🙂

3) How is your day-to-day sense of Inner Peace? This is another one that may seem academic, but it is really extremely important. This is one reason I ALWAYS have my slave learn some kind of Meditation. The ability to Quiet The Mind and achieve Inner Calm is beyond priceless – truly. I once went though a phase in my life where I was in a great sense of inner turmoil, questioning everything around me. I resolved the situation not by ruthlessly slashing through every perception, but instead by learning very ordinary forms of Meditation which taught me to Quiet My Mind. From that new, quiet place I was able to sort the issues out MUCH easier. Also, just getting 10-30 minutes a day to allow my mind to be still and calm was an amazing feeling for a thinker like myself. It was like discovering a secret hidden mountain spring within myself where I could go and sit and get away from the craziness of everyday life. Years later this background calm is now a part of who I am (admittedly sometimes more than others), I still meditate nearly every day, and although I am not above feeling strong emotion and intense passion I usually have access to that calm place pretty quickly when I need it. That is truly a butt-kickin’ AWESOME tool to have. Meditation does take some self-discipline to hone the skill, but I promise you that it is worth every single second of your life that you put into it. 🙂

Summary Thus Far:
Each and every area above may have several solutions, several answers, which is why this question is a difficult one to answer. If more than one of these areas are out-of-whack, then each one will need attention to achieve a fine sense of balance again. Don’t get overwhelmed – this is not about building an architecturally perfect pyramid — it is about the calm and gentle nurturing of a bright and beautiful garden which takes continued time and effort. Approach these areas with patience and a gentle inner smile. You may just end up having moments of genius, where one activity or effort might solve several areas at once. For example, feeling inflexible, out-of-shape, mentally overwhelmed, and spiritually drab can all be tackled by taking yoga classes. The idea is to identify which areas need work and….yep, Just Do It. 🙂

Above all it is critical to always remember that Master and slave are a TEAM, and if you cannot carry the load of an area you are dealing with, then by all means ask your Master for help. Sometimes we can be overly proud and refuse help when we should ask for it (I know I have been guilty of that one). We might still achieve results, but the feeling of your “teammate” being there for you is a wonderful feeling to acknowledge, that they’ve “got your back,” and sometimes just having the Knowledge that your partner is there for you as your teammate is enough to give you the strength to push through the toughest problems, even if you don’t call on your partner for actual assistance.

I think the most important thing is to feel loved within a D/s Relationship. Given that you sort out all of the above areas into good working order, the second point under “EMOTIONALLY” is probably the cornerstone to attaining happiness within D/s. Soooo many problems and issues can be worked out when the two have a strong, underlying sense that each is loved, cherished, and understood by the other. Something inside you said that the path of slavehood was right enough for you to accept your Master’s collar – that is a VERY powerful feeling and I am sure the moment of being collared was a day of pure joy in your life. Assuming your Master is a loving and kind man, is there some other way that your slave life is not living up to your…..ack, here it comes, the dreaded word… EXPECTATIONS?
Did you enter the life of a slave with expectations that were too high? That were reasonable and not being met? Expectations can be very tricky, and they are best discussed with your Master. Most expectations have to do with the Mental, Emotional, Physical and Spiritual items discussed above. But perhaps there are others. Were you promised anything that did not come to pass? Has your Master’s behavior changed after he collared you? Did yours? Did he suddenly begin holding you to a higher standard than you were ready for? Has training intensified to a level you were not previously aware would occur? By this I mean that all was superficial and light-hearted and now suddenly he is demanding a level of precision in all you do that feels utterly micro-managed, or the like.
For some an increase in intensity can be manageable, or even fun, and often as a slave’s training progresses it can most certainly increase in the intensity (which can certainly translate into Wonderful Passion) and the need for precision (Attention To Detail, for example). This is certainly the case within my own system here at The Crow Academy. Nonetheless, if the intensity of precision suddenly increases at a pace that is a shock to the slave’s system it can be overwhelming and quite counter-productive for the progress of the slave. In such a case the slave must convey to the Master that they are feeling overwhelmed, and in some cases it may be time for a re-negotiation.

In either case, begin by seriously addressing all the points above under Mental, Emotional, Spiritual and Physical. If you find they really are all in order, and the fact of the matter is that your collared life is still not what you expected it to be, yet you do honestly want to overcome the depression and stop questioning the role, start thinking about what small, “mechanical” details of your relationship need a little more “grease in the gears” to get your relationship feeling smooth, natural and happy again. Think about small rituals that are being overlooked, the way your mornings start, the activities you share, etc. Then when you are ready, bring this before your Master. Be sure to present it to him in a proactive, solution-oriented fashion. Don’t tell him what you “don’t want” – instead tell him what you DO want along the lines of ideas that you feel will bring ever-greater happiness into BOTH your lives. As long as you can see things from his perspective as well, and he can see things from your perspective, and the two of you truly care for each other then you should be able to safely deconstruct the problem areas and rebuild your relationship into an even better and more deeply satisfying experience for the two of you.

Because ultimately that is what it is all about – finding a way for both of you to be at your very best with each other, and if there is one thing I have found it is that the life of Master and slave is a beautiful, organic process that will necessarily change and grow and blossom with time. With all the structure of Formal D/s sometimes it may seem odd to shift a policy or protocol, yet at the same time this is EXACTLY why the collective body of knowledge on Formal Domination and Submission grows and expands with time. It is all an Art Form, and it can always withstand dynamic improvement in the course of becoming even more spectacular. That process of discovery is an amazing journey to share with each other.

Sincerely,
— Arcane

This Lesson continues in “Regaining Submissive Bliss (Part 2)” where some misconceptions and misinformation gets cleared up. 🙂