When a newcomer enters the BDSM Community with sound knowledge they are setting off on a journey that is likely to be a profound adventure in their life, and hopefully an exciting one that they continue for many years. A set of basic, time-tested principles, a healthy set of personal ethics, and a positive attitude can go a very long way. Concurrently, an emphasis on knowing oneself and seeking what works for you personally is also key to establishing one’s greatest joy within BDSM.
Nonetheless, eventually most people who really explore the knowledge base available will encounter several attitudes and awkward notions that will be presented to them as “universal truths.” In some cases it will be easy to discern that the “truth” which is being discussed is simply an individual Style of BDSM. In other cases however, behind the disguise of said “truth,” what is actually being pushed is far less a matter of good information, and much more a matter of selling the speaker’s ego.
Many of you reading this will have encountered this by now, what I can only call “Nonsense Within The BDSM Community.” This nonsense comes in many forms and tends to contain the repetitive formula of insisting that the nonsense being advocated is somehow automatically sanctified and incontrovertible because the speaker “says so.” Often times the Nonsense comes from an outright lack of Real-World Experience, for example someone who has very little time living the Lifestyle but who spent a great deal of time in role-playing chat rooms online. Equally, misinformation can come from someone who did indeed discover a wonderful way to express their BDSM proclivities in the Real-World, but they fail to realize that their experience is far from universal.
The “Speakers Of Nonsense” often have an overbearing need to be seen as “right” to establish a kind of pseudo-leadership within their local or online BDSM community. They will claim their “facts” are above reproach and may even get upset if questioned. Unfortunately for these typically-self-appointed “pillars” and their incontrovertible decrees, BDSM is far too mutable and questioning will inevitably occur. Anyone who appreciates that BDSM is an Art Form which naturally grows, changes, expands and evolves over time also understands that the very Act Of Questioning and Examination by other “Artists” is what moves All Of Us – the entire world of BDSM – forward towards an improved form of our shared BDSM Art.
To be clear, I am NOT talking about a given, private D/s Dynamic here, where the Dominant IS the Leader of the D/s Couple (hopefully trying their hardest to be a Good Leader of Quality and Honor), and where the Submissive has wholeheartedly consented to be the follower and servant to the best of their ability within the D/s Dance of the two. The details and personal arrangements of what is right or wrong for that specific couple lays within the consensual, agreed upon negotiation of the two. Within their bubble, the reality of what is “true” for the two of them can be very far and wide. One merely hopes that their negotiation contains respect and appreciation for each other (e.g. SSC) regardless of how intense their BDSM choices.
What I AM talking about here however, are individuals at large in the Global BDSM Community attempting to hold sway over anything from a definition of some BDSM terminology, a summary judgement cast upon another segment of the BDSM Community, or a BDSM Style choice. In some cases they even become so bold as to try proclaiming a global edict, [sic] “there is only one way to do things in the entire world of BDSM, and that is My Way,” the fallacy being that while their Style of BDSM works for them, it is far from universal. The more these folk righteously claim absolute universality in their personal Style, the more it becomes a case of severe misinformation at best, or Dom-Disease at worst.
Dom-Disease
For those of you who have never heard the term before, “Dom-Disease” is an epithet for the Dominant Individual who seems to have forgotten that they are only the consensual Dominant of their personal Submissive/s. The individual with Dom-Disease tries to act like the Dominant of Everybody, literally. It’s as though they lack the mature ability to politely shut off their Kinky Dominance outside of their D/s Dynamic. While kinky Dominance is meant to produce pleasure and joy for the consensual Submissive, the Dom-Disease individual keeps displacing that same attempt to be in control with all manner of their peers, other members of the BDSM community, and even Vanilla / Mundane individuals…. all of which is entirely inappropriate. This includes the attempt to intellectually dominate others in the BDSM Community with a righteous insistence that their information is “the correct information” even though the truth may be that there is large room for debate, style difference, personal preferences, and more.
It’s not that the given person with Dom-Disease might not have a valid point here or there. The problem arises when they go about presenting a given Stylistic point in a manner which places everyone else’s perspectives and Styles of BDSM on a “lesser” level to themselves. In some cases this can be a downright antagonistic attitude towards any other BDSM Style. It could be said that this dovetails into a very mild case of “delusions of grandeur.”
The net result 99% of the time is that the one with Dom-Disease becomes annoying at best, and at worst their ego might actually encroach upon territory that flat out is not theirs. An example of the latter would be the Dominant with Dom-Disease ordering someone else’s slave around as though that slave belonged to them. Without clearly spoken very specific permission to do so from the submissive’s personal Dominant, ordering someone else’s submissive around is a very unwelcome, very big No-No in the BDSM Community.
It’s ok to be understanding in your appraisal of someone with Dom-Disease, as sometimes they are simply acting out of habit. Perhaps they passionately live the 24/7 Lifestyle for example, and have momentarily forgotten that they are not addressing their own slave. I have some wonderful Dominant friends, both male and female, who have mildly crossed that line with me in the past, inappropriately ordering my slave to do something for them. Since I train my slave very clearly that she only follows my commands, in each of these thankfully few cases my slave simply looked to me for my permission or my denial to attend to my Dominant friend’s request. In those moments, if I did not approve of the momentary Dom-Disease request by my friend, or I felt the command was completely out of line, I gave my slave a known look that clearly means, “stand down and do NOT obey what [my friend / the other Dominant] said.”
Of course my slave is then placed in an awkward position, as she wants to present herself well and reflect the very best upon me. I therefore help deflate the awkward moment by simply saying to my Dominant friend, “She only obeys MY direct orders,” in a perfectly conversational tone which gently elicits that a line was crossed, while making it clear my slave did the right thing by NOT following the inappropriate, outside “command.” I’m happy to say that in every case my Dominant friends instantly apologize, realizing they had been acting with a bit of Dom-Disease. In all cases, from that day forward these same Dominants phrase their needs as a polite request to my slave for their help, or use simple vanilla courtesies and speak to my slave as their own friend. Instead of proclaiming, “Move all the chairs and toys over there!” (e.g. setting up for a play party) the same Dominant would thereafter say, “honey, can I please get you to help me move the chairs over to that side?”… a HUGE difference in terms of respecting the D/s Dynamic of others, and getting OFF the Dom-Disease pedestal in regards to those who are not their actual Submissive. Naturally, to make this positive change into proper, respectful, socially-acceptable behavior, the Dom-Disease individual has to be able to recognize their error and adjust.
If I were to specifically instruct my own slave to obey another Dominant as though the other Dominant was me, that is a whole different matter. In all cases such an instruction necessarily includes parameters defining to what extent my slave should follow the commands of that Lone, Outside Dominant to whom I have assigned the temporary obedience of my personal slave. An example could be that during a meeting of peer Dominants my slave is to serve all of us food and drink, and any food or drink requests that another Dominant makes should be attended to immediately without the need to confirm obedience from me. However this same “obey others” would ONLY extend to the meal service. It would certainly NOT extend to being commanded to do anything else, and cease when the meeting was concluded.
Thankfully, I am very pleased to report that of the Dominants in the world who I have been happy to have them served a meal by my slave while in High D/s Etiquette, 99% of the time even though they know my slave will get them what they need without question (within the stated limits), these Dominant are self-confident enough and self-assured enough that they end up speaking to my slave with full graciousness. I hear them say “please” and “thank you” and “could you be a dear and…,” speaking to my slave with all politeness even though they did not have to do so. These mature, confident, Dominants understand that the boundaries of their Dominance extend only to their own personal sphere with their own Submissive, plus the extra extent that has been temporarily granted within the setting. For those of you who are new to D/s Community Etiquette, these situations are not uncommon.
CLICK HERE to read more about BDSM Scene Etiquette (and how it differs from Swinger Etiquette!)
One could say that, “Those who understand power over another that is given consensually and embraced by both sides of the D/s, also understand the virtue of manners and politeness towards others over whom they do not wield power.”
Case in point: When the best of my Dominant friends and I are out doing ordinary things in the mundane world, they are often extra polite and extra kind to ordinary vanilla service industry folk and everyday retail workers. It seems those who genuinely understand how to hold power in a beautiful and consensual D/s Balance often have a higher respect for the niceties of treating other random people well… a quality worthy of respect. 🙂
Although there is no specific alternative word for a Submissive behaving as though they have “Dom-Disease,” attempting to control others or extol personal truths as universal, Submissives can manifest these problematic qualities as well. If for example, you have spent any time in one of the thankfully-rare groups of highly volatile personalities on Fetlife, you have probably seen so-called submissives acting in grossly inappropriate ways to control the group, up to and including insults, cajoling anyone who disagrees, stoking hatred against those who disagree, and catering to all the other dissatisfied souls in the group. While we certainly could use a better term than “Submissive Dom-Disease,” you will find the same factors, namely that they want to spread the idea of their glorious “leadership of other submissives” in a grab for attention and ego-boosting. They are far less concerned about veracity or actually respecting others, and their behavior contains the same dysfunctional power-play dynamic. In many cases such behavior is – and should be – embarrassing to their Dominants. Since we do lack a better term for all of the above, I place this too under the umbrella of “Nonsense Within the BDSM Community.”
Fetlife, Facebook and the Online Community
Let me step aside for a moment to say that Fetlife is still a very useful website, and I do not wish to discourage people from joining. There are more than 30,000 groups on Fetlife and, like any other sociological bell curve, some groups will be super mild and friendly, some groups will be intense and fun, and some groups will be a complete train-wreck. I still recommend Fetlife very highly, but when it comes to joining groups you still have the responsibility to “look under the hood” like buying a used car. If something seems off or unappealing about a group, just know that there are MANY more groups to choose from, and a fair percentage of them have nice people who gather to talk about a wide variety of group topics and kinks without drama or judgmental attitudes. 🙂
I will also add that like Fetlife, there are now a wide variety of BDSM Groups showing up on Facebook, and I would extend the same warning. You will find the same bell curve of the groups, where the temperament ranges from friendly and informative, to singularly focused on specific areas and fetishes, to groups burdened by self-impressed unhelpful drama and sometimes downright nastiness. A common version of this kind of “Nonsense” seen in the last few years are those who have spent very little actual time in the Scene (e.g. they only started trying it a few years ago after reading “50 Shades”) yet they will create a group wherein they claim to be a “seasoned veteran,” often spouting all manner of inaccuracies and closed minded dogma backed up by very little – if any – Real-World experience. Caveat Emptor… “buyer beware.”
A World of Possibilities
A simple, word-to-the-wise caution is to beware anyone telling you that their way “is the only way,” especially when you have personal experience of alternatives that are just as valid. At The Crow Academy we have made it clear since Day One that everything we teach is The Crow Academy STYLE, and that we are honored to know others who do things in extremely different ways. If you enjoy The Crow Academy Style then of course we welcome you, and if you enjoy another healthy BDSM Style that maintains the basics of Mutual Respect, Shared Trust, Safe Practices, etc, then we wish you well on that path just as much. 🙂
Some of our favorite Dominants in the world practice D/s Styles that are soooo very alien to what we do here at The Crow Academy, and yet watching them “do their thing” has been an absolute joy! I have seen Dominants engage in Styles of kinky play that I have absolutely no interest in pursuing myself, and yet the sheer depth of their own immersion with their Submissive, seen to be bringing them both exceptional states of shared bliss, simply cannot be denied. The sheer variety of BDSM Practices within the greater BDSM Universe is certainly something to be embraced.
Personally, when I am looking at a Style of BDSM that differs from The Crow Academy – and there are quite a few – I look for some kind of SSC or RACK tendency, as these two acronyms cover a very wide base of healthy BDSM practices. Even though the other Dominant might be engaged in kinks that are foreign to my tastes, as I witness their own application of SSC or RACK (or the like), I can only acknowledge out of respect what they have achieved. Typically these same Dominants also find it easy to appreciate other evolved Styles of D/s and BDSM, and together we see ourselves as a set of peers who are all interested in the collective knowledge base we can share. We all appreciate the vast arena of possibilities within the BDSM Arts, and we love learning from each other.
My very first BDSM Club EVER was so full of bizarre things going on all around me that I felt I had walked into the Cantina right out of the very first, original Star Wars movie, full of amazing aliens and bizarre occurrences all around me. It was incredible! In my most open-minded state (which I demanded of myself to achieve maximum enjoyment of the environment), I often found myself looking at two people having a fantastic time together doing something I had no intention of ever doing, and I would say to myself, “Well, there you go…. Another Color in the Spectrum of Humanity.” It was the sheer VARIETY of ways that people were having a great time with their personal spin on BDSM that opened my eyes to the fact that there really are a Thousand Ways To Play in the BDSM Universe. Those who have Dom-Disease, or any other variant, seem to have an issue with that Variety, and want others to see their way as “the only way,” etc. In doing so they become “Speakers Of Nonsense,” closing their own eyes to any number of wonderful possibilities.
DEFINITIONS OF NONSENSE
In this next section, I am going to describe some of the most commonly encountered pieces of “Nonsense Within the BDSM Community.” In each case I will first describe how the given Nonsense shows up and what occurs, i.e. what you should watch out for in your own journey. Following the initial description, I then explain why that Nonsense event or reasoning is self-destructive, logically faulty, and / or even occasionally downright harmful to the BDSM Community at large.
THE NONSENSE: Condemning TNG (The Next Generation, i.e. younger kinksters, generally 35 and under) simply because they make mistakes.
MY ANSWER: I see these people (TNG) as needing a Helping Hand and Guidance, not cajoling nor condemnation. TNG people are usually craving education in the BDSM Arts, and they are developing their own tastes. They need a gentle, guiding hand, not someone shouting at them. They should be appreciated for their curious minds and offered sound education, and certainly not receive antagonism. They are discovering the many paths they can take in BDSM, and we should encourage them to “find themselves,” learn Safety Techniques, improve their Communication Skills, and discover what they personally like and enjoy from the vast BDSM Universe.
In addition, any wise member of the greater global BDSM Community will agree that there is always something new to be learned no matter how many years one has spent in the Scene. While these newcomers (TNG) are quite often novice needing guidance, occasionally they come up with a wonderful new spin on an old technique, a fantastic new way to perform a traditional practice in an uncommon manner, or simply a flat-out fun new idea. Having been fortunate enough to see this happen with my own eyes, I can only acknowledge the fact that “genius” can come from anyone, including the newcomers and TNG. Staying open and encouraging to TNG really can benefit us all.
THE NONSENSE: The endless, mindless arguments about what is THEE DEFINITION of “Old Guard,” and erroneously treating the word like a noun (i.e. a fixed point in history) instead of the adjective that it is (i.e. a descriptive term to be assigned to various groups, etc).
MY ANSWER: Old Guard, in fact, simply means the previous generation or the one before that, and the average of how people practiced the BDSM Arts in that generation. It is an Adjective, as in “I prefer this Old Guard technique I learned from my mentor.” There is no established “Old Guard” as a noun / pronoun, and yet I have heard soooo many pound their chest and pontificate about how they “know the REAL origins of Old Guard!…blah blah blah.” They go on to talk as though they are a BDSM historian whose knowledge rapidly ceases outside of the past century, and in fact they tend to barely understand the actual history of BDSM which goes back thousands of years. The ONLY time I have ever heard the term “Old Guard” used as a passable pronoun was when a member of the gay Leatherman community was talking about the early days of the gay leather scene, and how a certain segment called themselves (as an Adjective mostly) “the old guard” of a specific type of D/s Leatherman community and Style.
Nonetheless and case in point, if you ask someone today who is their “old guard mentor,” they usually describe someone 20-40 years older than them. If you asked THAT person (the older one) who was THEIR “old guard” mentor, they will talk about someone AGAIN 20-40 years older than them (40-80 years older than the original person to whom you were speaking).
- Ask someone in their 20’s what they mean by “Old Guard” and they talk about BDSM from the 90’s.
- Ask someone from the 90’s what they mean by “Old Guard” and they talk about BDSM from the 70’s.
- Ask someone from the 70’s what they mean by “Old Guard” and they talk about BDSM from the 50’s.
- Etc etc etc.
I have seen this play out exactly as just described too many times to count.
The biggest problem about the epithet “Old Guard” is that nowadays it usually gets erroneously co-opted to vindicate Dom-Disease behaviors, e.g. “I am more right than you because MY knowledge comes form Old Guard!” The one slinging about the term tends to actually care very, very little about actual BDSM History, and much more about you not questioning their position of authority, and as such they attempt to shut down discussion with the decree of “Old Guard!” My current humorous reply to this lays along the lines of “Oh really? “Do you mean the Priestesses of Inanna from 3000 BC, or the Cult of Orthia from 900 BC?” (feel free to steal that reply). 😉
Case in point: When I first entered the Scene (aka the Global BDSM Community) back in the 1990’s, NO ONE was talking about “Old Guard” and waving their personal definition around. It was not until the 2000’s that people started assigning some kind of mystical meaning to this insanely generalized term, and not until the 2010’s that the idea got even more devalued by way of random people using the term to bolster their personal perspectives and choice of BDSM practices by claiming “Old Guard!” so they could sound more correct, more righteous, and / or attempt to shield their BDSM choices as somehow magically incontrovertible.
THE NONSENSE: Calling a practice a “Universal / Global Tradition” even though it actually only applies to your personal Style. In other words, rationalizing that practice to be far more globally applicable than it actually is in the Real World, rather than simply acknowledging that it’s a practice which has become part of your own Personal Style.
MY ANSWER: There is a BIG difference between a Tradition and a Style. Traditions can certainly be personal, as in “it is our tradition to go to Disneyland for our anniversary every year.” Personal traditions are often very meaningful and / or fun for the people who have them. Most of us have all manner of Personal Traditions (some of which are also Personal Rituals) and most of the times these are simply a pleasant part of the identity we have chosen for ourselves and / or with our personal circle of associates, friends, or family. You do not hear about the Personal tradition of “Disneyland every anniversary” being described as some kind of “global tradition which everyone should respect and practice because it is superior.” That would be a silly thing to say.
Conversely, a much longer standing Tradition comes from a practice which has been repeated for decades or even centuries by multiple demographics who happen to have the Tradition as a common link. Having a Xmas tree under which people place gifts is a transcontinental Tradition going back many decades (in the West). Before Valentine’s Day even existed, the holiday of Lovers was called “Beltane” which was the traditional day dedicated to lovers going back many centuries across Europe. Most holidays nowadays have transcontinental traditions thrown in: Trick or Treating, the Thanksgiving turkey, Easter Egg hunts, etc. The cap & gown graduation ceremony of high schools and universities is an example of another transcontinental tradition found in Academia around the world.
To claim that a BDSM practice is Tradition in the same way the cap & gown ceremony or the easter egg hunt is Tradition only really requires that the one claiming such have SOME kind of proof or factual reference to back it up. If they cannot back it up, for example by research or clear evidence of the same practice being the norm in a transcontinental sense, then that so-called “tradition” is either Personal, or else it is merely that person’s BDSM Style.
Being Romantic within D/s is certainly The Crow Academy STYLE. If we were to claim that “being romantic in D/s is Traditional!” then by our own definition we would have to be able to prove that many other styles of D/s also hold Romance as a Key Element of their Style as well. Many of my Dominatrix friends who have incredibly intense D/s sessions with their clients would probably disagree with the statement that “being romantic is a traditional part of D/s,” and make it quite clear that they are NOT romantic with their clients. It is therefore FAR more accurate to say that Choosing To Be Romantic in your D/s is a STYLISTIC Choice (and of course something we Highly Recommend). 🙂
Equally, there ARE some things that are actual BDSM Traditions, and most of these are wonderful. For example, the meaning and beauty of the Slave Collar (with a “D” or “O” ring). This is practiced and respected around the world. It is transcontinental. It is nearly universal, up to and including how people who use alternatives to the Slave Collar often describe that alternative (for example an ankle chain) as “its like our version of a slave collar.” Just because the Slave Collar is so traditional does not mean it is mandatory. It simply means that a LOT of people use that device or practice in a very similar way, in many places, and have been doing so for a long time.
If you want to modify a Tradition so that it suits you better, then you have every right to do so and create your own Stylistic Element. It does not make the original Tradition go away nor dilute it just because you want to have a more personal or original experience. The original Tradition can still be respected and enjoyed, AND you can enjoy your own Personal spin on that Tradition as well. Just don’t start telling people that your Stylistic Choice is “the actual historical / global tradition” because that would be a lie…. sounds like Dom-Disease again, aye? FAR better for yourself and others is to openly acknowledge how the practice you currently enjoy was “inspired by” or “borrowed from” a Tradition you liked and then modified to suit you better and become more personally enjoyable for you.
THE NONSENSE: Saying that there is “Only One Twue Way” to be a Dominant or a Submissive and that all other ways are somehow incorrect. The sarcastic nickname given to this “My Way Is The Only Way and All Other Ways Are Wrong!” attitude is humorously sometimes called “One Twue Wayism.” This Nonsense is almost always described as “Twue” with a “w” so as to sound like something Elmer Fudd (the hunter of Bugs Bunny) would say in a moment of self-righteous ridiculousness.
MY ANSWER: The split second you hear someone say to an audience, “My way of doing things is the Only True Way and all other ways are wrong,” is exactly when you need to start doubting the speaker. Even amongst the very best versions and styles of BDSM that I have seen or enjoyed or even been amazed by, they ALL acknowledge that – plainly and simply – there are Other Ways That Are Just As Valid. While I am not talking about giving carte blanche to every single person who starts swinging a riding crop, I can say that given a minimum criteria of SSC / RACK / etc (or the like) and obvious components like consensuality and mutual respect, there are PLENTY of ways to express your BDSM.
In fact – and take this to heart – the variety of ways you can explore yourself and your kinky nature within BDSM is one of the very best things about BDSM! I teach my students that BDSM is like a 1000 course smorgasbord of flavors, some of which you will like, a few of which you will love, several of which are quite “meh” to you, and a handful or which you will definitely say “no thank you.” This is why knowing your limits is so important in the beginning and as you learn about yourself – you are telling the other person which of those smorgasbord flavors you like, which you do not like, and which you are curious to explore.
It is important to note that this is NOT the same as when a Dominant says to their own personal Submissive, “My Style of D/s, to which you have agreed and consented, is the only D/s Style that you and I will practice.” Consenting to a particular Dominant’s D/s Style is a natural part of the Initial Negotiation, given that the Submissive likes that Dominant’s Style of D/s. As long as the Dominant never tries to claim that their D/s Style is “The Only Valid Style On Earth!” then it is absolutely NOT One Twue Wayism. It is merely the two people adhering to a D/s Style they both enjoy.
Any Dominant with a well-developed Style of D/s (or properly developing in the case of novices) that seems coherent and well-formed is within their negotiated rights to insist you follow their given Style if you intend to be their Submissive. Of course in the Initial Negotiation this can be adjusted so it genuinely suits the two particular individuals who have agreed to uphold that Style of D/s. It may very well be the only way you want to practice your D/s… and that’s fine! Just remember that even if your Style brings the two of you enormous joy, its still Your Way and not necessarily the ONLY Style of D/s that works for everybody in the world. Don’t be a “One Twue Wayist”!!
THE NONSENSE: The utterly erroneous claim that “All Submissives are Brats.”
MY ANSWER: Commonly extolled by very new Submissives who appear to flat-out misunderstand the very meaning of the words “Submissive” and “Submission,” they project their own desire to misbehave, cajole, and / or antagonize a Top or Dominant, with the gross misunderstanding of what they are doing and why it most certainly is NOT a form of D/s Submission by any stretch of the imagination.
The main error comes in the form of misunderstanding a subset of BDSM and D/s known as “Resistance Play.” Resistance Play is the consensual kink wherein the Bottom or Submissive is “allowed” to fight back – either verbally or even physically – with full permission to do so by their Top or Dominant Given In Advance.
Resistance Play is a rather large umbrella that covers…
• Mouthing Off
• Spewing Insults
• Physically Resisting (e.g wrestling)
• Fighting Back (with NO actual intent to harm!)
…and more.
But the BOTTOM LINE is that BOTH people are having a GOOD TIME with this kink!
The KEY element is that this is a Negotiated Kink that BOTH parties enjoy. While “on the Bell Curve of BDSM intensity” it would NOT be in the middle where you find super-common kinks like spanking or blindfolds, but rather it would be off to the right towards the more Rare Kinks, enjoyed by some but not all, and to varying degrees. The more intense the Resistance Play, the more it skews to the right on that BDSM bell curve.
Generally speaking, the Bottom / Sub in a Resistance Play scene / game has been given permission to do so During A Single Given Scene. That permission does NOT automatically extend to the behaviors, duties, and responsibilities expected of that Submissive outside that specific Resistance Play scene / game. As soon as the scene ends, the submissive dutifully returns back to their agreed upon General Good Submissive Behaviors and Negotiated Duties, including forms of address, decorum, etiquette, and protocols. Whatever elements of Consensual Non-Consent that have been agreed to by the Submissive are back in effect when that Resistance Play game concludes.
But here’s the main point:
Resistance Play – including Brat Play – is a Subset of BDSM Activity that some people enjoy and others do not.
“Bratting / Brat Play” is simply a milder form of Resistance Play.
In other words, Brat Play is a Very Specific Kink… That’s All.
It is only one of a thousand Kinks under the overarching realm of Domination and Submission.
Just like enjoying Handcuff Bondage… or Fiberglass Canes… or Humiliation…. or Pet Play…. Brat Play is a specific kink that SOME people enjoy, but certainly not everyone. It is far from any kind of Universal, and it requires the specific COMPLEMENTARY kink from the Dominant Side to work properly. The same way a submissive into Pet Play requires the complement of a Dominant who enjoys being the “Owner” of a Pet, or someone who desires to be Humiliated requires the complement of a Dominant who enjoys providing Humiliation, so too must the Dominant enjoy Brat Play if it is going to be a good match. A Sub who wants to be a Pet but the Dominant does not want to be an Owner, or the Sub who craves Humiliation but the Dominant does not enjoy Humiliating their submissive… in both cases the scene will not work.
Case In Point: Not all Dominants enjoy Resistance Play. High Protocol Dominants, for example, look for Submissives who wish to thrive in a Classic D/s Etiquette-Oriented environment, with an expectation that the submissive will adhere to any number of Rules of proper behavior (discussed in their Initial Negotiation).
A Dominant who has the complementary kink of enjoying a Brat and “bratty behavior” is known as a Brat Tamer. Brat Tamers tend to be self-described as such, say in their Fetlife profile. They tend to make it known they enjoy Brat energy, Brat Play, and Bratting games with their Submissive right from the start. Nonetheless, this in no way describes any desire to see their submissive behave as a Brat at all times. It merely means that the Dominant in question is OK with occasional “bratty” behavior given the right timing and circumstances. As per their D/s Negotiation, a Brat Tamer will explain the proper Time & Place where the Brat behavior is going to be allowed. The Submissive who enjoys Bratting is then expected to keep the bratty behavior within those parameters.
For example…
• The Sub might be allowed to be Bratty during certain Role Play games.
• At a High Protocol dinner with fellow D/s Couples the Sub is expected to behave in an exemplary and dutiful manner with zero room for any Resistance or Brat behaviors.
• On a relaxing weekend the Sub might be allowed to be Playfully Bratty if they feel like they want “some action” from the Dom/me… but if the Dom/me says “No” and declines the bratty behavior then the Sub is expected to cease the bratty behavior.
• If the D/s Couple have agreed that the Sub has specific duties and chores, they are expected to perform them correctly; Deliberately avoiding an assigned task, or intentionally doing it wrong in the name of of “behaving bratty” would NOT be received as “fun” by the Dom/me and instead be seen as tedious, ordinary Disobedience.
• If the Dom/me provided a fun activity or assigned an enjoyable “task” in the moment, the Sub might ask permission if Brat behavior is allowed for that specific experience; If it’s a regular event for the couple they could even negotiate that as a specific circumstance where Brat behavior is generally allowed.
A simple rule of measure for a Submissive to see if their spontaneously “Brat” behavior is going to be allowed is to look at the Dom/me – is the Dom SMILING? If the Dom is smiling and laughing WITH the submissive then the Brat behavior is probably ok… but that is NOT to be taken for granted! That first laugh or smile from the Dominant could quickly be followed by a different look that means “ok, now STOP,” and the Sub would be expected to turn off the bratty behavior and return to proper, negotiated decorum. If the submissive starts behaving in a Bratty manner and the Dom/me is NOT smiling nor laughing, then it’s a pretty good indicator that the Brat behavior should be switched off immediately.
For any Submissive out there who wants to try the specific kink of Bratting, remember that you need to be with a Dom/me who enjoys being a Brat Tamer. Do NOT spring bratty behavior on a Dominant who has not made it clear they enjoy the complementary side of that kink. At the very least, discuss it first. If you are single and looking, consider making it clear right from the start that you enjoy Brat behavior, and understand many Dominants will say “no thank you” to that specific kink. Look for a Dominant who enjoys being on the receiving end of the Brat kink, aka a Brat Tamer.
For a Dominant or a D/s Couple new to Bratting but who want to try it, I HIGHLY recommend you first perfect your ground-level D/s Relationship. Establish a well-tuned base level of Good D/s Behaviors that show mutual respect to each other, an ability to follow through with Protocols, the ability to adhere to whatever D/s Etiquette the two of you have established, and the ability for the Submissive to be obedient when necessary. THEN, in a contained and limited environment such as a given night’s scene, try some very light verbal Resistance Play, keeping it light and playful, and see how it works. Always be sure to De-Brief after your scenes and discuss what worked and what did not.
THE NONSENSE: Claiming that any mundane, Real World advocacy for the Advancement of Human Rights is somehow against BDSM, or vice-versa that BDSM is somehow antagonistic to the Advancement of Human Rights and Greater Equality in the mundane world.
MY ANSWER: The advancement of Human Rights applies to every person on this planet. Every single human being is entitled to be treated fairly by their government, local vanilla governing body, and local community regardless of race, creed, gender, color, religion, social status, income level, or otherwise. Oppressive attitudes that squash Human Rights & Equality should not be tolerated. Happily in many ways the world is FAR better in this regard than we were a few hundred years ago, and vastly better than a few thousand years ago. Nonetheless we still have a ways to go.
All of this is Completely Separate from what you do in your kinky personal life. If in private you are both consensually and happily a super-hardcore Male Dominant / female submissive couple, then you have every right to dive in as deeply as the two of you have negotiated. If in private the Woman reigns supreme as the Domina Goddess of the two of you as you have negotiated, again you have every right to extract every drop that you can of shared enjoyment from those experiences together.
However, neither of these scenarios IN ANY WAY stands as a pretext nor support for Actual Oppression in the vanilla world. None. Not at all. Not Ever. Being the kinkiest mofo on the block is what you might do in your private life, yet the vanilla world at large still has some serious advancements required in the world of Human Rights and the evolution of all of us together as a planet. For example, in NO WAY does a woman CHOOSING to be submissive in the bedroom mean that she consents to anything less than being paid equal for the same exact job in the mundane, vanilla world. Equally, the man blissfully groveling at the foot of his Mistress and begging for her administrations in No Way condones maltreatment by an actual boss in his mundane job! The rights a kinky Submissive consents to give away to their kinky Dominant IN NO WAY supports the Actual Abuse of People and their rights in the mundane world. When Human Rights are abusively taken away in the mundane world it NEVER happens with consent. Consensually and enjoyably giving away certain rights to one’s Dominant versus NON-Consensually having one’s rights taken away by totalitarian or draconian entities are wildly separate matters!
Just remember: The BDSM Roles we choose in our private lives brings us all manner of Joy and Connection as they should. At these times we have stepped into Fetish Wonderland, and although it seems vaguely reflective of Real World activities, it is most certainly NOT the same! The “Real World” elements that propagate actual harsh activities as abusive, twisted, actual maltreatment by governments or other segments of society in the mundane, vanilla world are NOT related to our blissful play in any way, nor should they ever seen as comparable.
To sum this up in simple terms, my slave is obedient to me and none other; She grants me the negotiated right to be physically affectionate with her when I want, correct her as I see fit, restrain her during sex, lecture her at any moment and expect full attention from her, guide her with absolute authority, and demand she attend to my needs, often quite on the fly and sometimes quite randomly. 100% of these rights that I have over her were Granted To Me by my submissive personally in our Initial Negotiation, and further ratified and mutually agreed upon in O/our Contract. No co-worker, nor government, nor social attitude, nor religion, nor aspect of society at large has these same rights over her. Just because you grant someone – One Person, a.k.a. your Dominant – the right to tell you what to do as their agreed-upon subordinate (Submissive), does NOT mean that society at large has anything even remotely close to these same permissions.
Case-in-point: Your Dominant might have the clearly negotiated, consensual right to spank you anytime they please. Your boss at work does NOT! Two people in a D/s Couple might get super-turned on by foul language being spoken during sex, but that right does NOT extend to random people walking past you down the street! And the fact that you generally consent to obey the rules of your Dominant without question does NOT mean that you are obligated to obey abuses to your Basic Human Rights forced upon you by any vanilla, mundane source.
Likewise, just because you enjoy spanking or flogging your Submissive because it brings you both pleasure does NOT mean that you endorse actual, harmful, physical abuse in the vanilla world of ANY kind…. nor should you! What we do is PLAY, and it is Well-Documented to Bring Mutual Pleasure to the two people involved. Ours is a world FILLED with Consent, Negotiation, Agreement, Mutual Respect and Checking-In to make sure both people are on the same page. We De-Brief after we Play to ensure that all participants are having a good time. We check in with each other during long D/s Contracts to make certain that it is going well for both people and that both people’s BDSM needs Are Being Met.
While a Dominant might be completely fulfilled in their control of their Submissive, it does NOT mean that unauthorized control of someone NON-consensually is in ANY way endorsed as well. Couples can have WILD Role Play games wherein they pretend to be some “dark controlling force” with some innocent “victim” in a game that includes CNC (Consensual Non-Consent), but that IN NO WAY supports even the slightest actual oppression of people in the Real World. Taking control of your personal, beloved Submissive’s rights – as has been Consensually Negotiated between the two of you – in No Way supports the suppression of actual Human Rights of others in the mundane world.
For more on Consenusal Non-Consent CLICK HERE
This is “The Looking Glass” that we speak about so often at The Crow Academy. On one side you have the beauty of Fetish Wonderland, and on the other side you have the Mundane, “Real World.” Looking into the Looking Glass at first they seem to be the same, but they absolutely Are Not! When Alice (Alice In Wonderland) looked into the Looking Glass she saw the same room: Tables, Chairs, A Grandfather Clock, and Flowers outside the window. When she stepped through the Looking Glass into Wonderland, the Tables & Chairs danced, the Grandfather clock spoke and gave advice, and the Flowers sang. Just because something we do bears a resemblance to the outside world, we should never forget that we play in Fetish Wonderland, and what we do does NOT endorse the reflections of our activities that show up harmfully in the mundane world.
THE NONSENSE: Claiming that one’s chosen D/s Role (Dominant, Submissive, Switch, etc) is somehow magically locked – for everyone in the world – into a specific gender and only that gender.
MY ANSWER: I have personally seen every single combination of every single BDSM role in every imaginable gender over my years of exploring the Global BDSM Community. I have my preferences – Male Dominant / Female Submissive – but I also absolutely respect that the roles of Dominant and Submissive are NOT attached to a gender! It is the End User (you, me, etc) who will assign these roles to your gender preferences for you and your partner, and you have every right to celebrate your gender choices and preferences for yourself. This IN NO WAY gives anyone the right to condemn someone else for whom these roles are assigned to different genders in their own dynamic. All should be respected, given that their BDSM and D/s has elements of SSC or RACK or the like… again concepts completely detached from gender.
For example, while I personally have no intention of going to The Otherworld Kingdom, a strictly Female Dominant community in Europe, I can RESPECT what they do and how committed they are to their kink. It is part of the Variety I spoke about earlier…Male Doms, Female Doms, Transgender Doms…. it Does Not Matter. Same for Subs – Male, Female, Transgender or otherwise. It Does Not Matter What Gender You Are When Deciding How To Express Your BDSM, nor even what gender you to choose to describe yourself in general when considering how to express your BDSM Desires, Dreams and Goals.
In my book, “Igniting The Fire: The Art of Romantic Submission” I detail how even though I am a Male Dominant who only collars Female Submissives, that what I teach is NOT attached to any gender and, in fact, I happily encourage the reader to make any gender-translations needed to suit themselves. The ONLY elements that might even remotely relate to gender are in regards to actual genitalia and BDSM practices that cater to that set of genitalia, for examples CBT, breast bondage, clit jewelry, etc. Even these are merely PHYSICAL elements, and your physical parts Do Not Matter when choosing your favorite D/s Role. What matters is How You Feel Inside, regardless of your gender.
Do not judge D/s based on gender. Instead pay attention to the Sincerity Of Your Immersion into what you do, and your chosen roles and kinks. This was one of my absolute favorite things about my very first BDSM Community when I was living in Europe – they had a little bit of everything, and as I wrote in the beginning it was like an intergalactic gathering of tastes and styles…. and it was AMAZING! Again – it was the sheer Variety that stood out and helped me see the Smorgasbord of Possibilities that we have available to us in the BDSM Universe. It is the embracing of that Variety, the Acceptance of Others in So Many Wonderful Forms, that only makes the BDSM Universe STRONGER.
🙂
Leave a Comment