I had an intriguing discussion recently with a highly educated woman who wanted my opinion on how sex roles and gender roles were better or worse off within the Global BDSM Scene. In my honest opinion, the BDSM Scene is a GREAT place to explore gender roles as well as explore the more traditional roles of masculine and feminine energies. In fact, in a previous lesson here on Arcane Advice I even described how the BDSM World can be downright Tantric if one wishes to approach it from that angle.
She suggested that BDSM is a “liminal” experience, which is to say a kind of “transition” rather than a goal in itself (a principle with which I disagree). Her idea was that on one side you had old-school Vanilla, outdated ideas about sex, gender and the masculine / feminine polarity, and on the other side you had modern feminism and the LGBTQ community as examples of evolved versions of all of modern gender awareness. She considered BDSM as a sort of half-way house between the two.
It was an interesting idea. Nonetheless, I offered the counterpoint concept that Healthy BDSM is not at all a transition between two opposing sides, because of the massive variety of ways that people do in fact explore themselves within BDSM…. and stay in the BDSM World continuing to explore. Since a transition means to “pass through” I mentioned how, especially as an Art Form, BDSM will always offer new ways for a person to explore themselves and therefore BDSM is not a transition but rather The Destination Itself.
To respond to her inquiry I drew upon the last several decades of my life and experiences of the BDSM Scene around the world. I then presented a picture of why I feel the BDSM Community and the Global BDSM Scene with all the parties, events, and clubs…. as well as in private… make the BDSM Universe a fantastic place to freely explore the elements of sex & gender in yourself and your partner, to whatever degree you see fit. Based on what I have seen repeatedly with my own eyes over the years, the Global BDSM Scene is like a gigantic nursery garden in which new forms of yourself can be gently (or not so gently, given Consent, *wink*) explored. This in turn creates a fantastic environment for expanding one’s Self-Knowledge within the personal world of sex roles & gender roles, amongst the many other BDSM avenues to explore.
From the most extreme to the most traditional, almost any variation of sex role or gender role that you can think of will show up in the Greater BDSM Scene at one time or another. The safety of exploring oneself like this within BDSM is just one more way that we can all understand BDSM as a fine path to Self-Knowledge. It also presents yet another pillar to the idea that BDSM is quite possibly a path towards a more evolved understanding – and Acceptance – of people in general.
Enjoy.
The way I have always addressed BDSM is using Alice’s Through The Looking Glass metaphor. On one side you have Vanilla land, and on the other side of the looking glass you have Wonderland (aka Kink Land). The two worlds greatly resemble each other, however that similarity falls away as soon as you step through to Wonderland, i.e. really start to explore the Fetish Universe. In “Alice” you have ordinary clocks and tables and flowers on the Vanilla side, which sing and dance and talk on the Wonderland side. Likewise the historical meaning of “Dominant, Submissive, Dungeon, Whipped, etc” holds negative connotation on the Vanilla side (mostly historical), but become words of beauty and excitement on the Wonderland (Kink) side. The only liminal (transitional) step here would be the actual step taken through the looking glass, and that is as fast as the decision to do so.
So perhaps you are saying “liminal” to mean how a person lets go of their fears of taking that step through the looking glass, onwards in a journey of full immersion and self-discovery? Again I am not sure that liminal (describing that step as merely a transition) is the right word because that journey inside Wonderland can last months or even years, so its not really a transition as much as a personal evolution, where every step is just as valid as the previous step and the forthcoming step. My interpretation of liminality equates to a condensed phase of pure transition, with solid grounded realities on either side. In the world of BDSM there is always a way to grow / change / advance / learn more / become more proficient, so if we use the word liminal it would have to have an endless element, which contradicts the meaning of the word “liminal” itself. To be clear – I am only interpreting the idea of BDSM as liminal.
Now on the flip side, I absolutely agree that BDSM provides a safe haven for the expression and exploration of gender roles in a vast array of possibilities, and within a safe zone for doing so. Amongst the many variations, you will certainly find people who express their kink in ways that align wonderfully with the current zeitgeist / paradigm of modern (“3rd wave”) feminism, as well as the playfully opposite, namely people living roles founded much more prominently in the 1950’s (albeit a VERY stylized and 2 dimensional interpretation thereof out of the modern imagination, e.g. they are not concerned about rebuilding a post-war economy; it’s much more of a glorification of the “Leave It To Beaver” aesthetic). Both of these extremes… and everything in between – and more – are all found within the greater global BDSM community, and the general consensus is that as long as the people involved are SSC or at least RACK then its absolutely fine to “do your thing”…. the “C” for Consent being the big word in both. Thus within the greater global BDSM community, there is indeed ample room for anyone to explore various sex roles and gender roles, some even playfully backwards-thinking, and locate what seems to be optimal for their personal equilibrium Within Their Expression Of Kink & BDSM (and not necessarily expressing outwards into their Vanilla lives). I have said many times that the BDSM universe is VAST, and there are 1000’s of ways to play, and that includes all the minute variations to be found within the relationship dynamics of any given BDSM or D/s Relationship.
To the point: You will find SSC (RACK) couples playing out / embracing different definitions of masculinity and femininity of almost every kind. It is a huge playground for the exploration of the same, and over time those definitions will often change and evolve as the person / couple moves forward. Some will soften, some will become more entrenched, some will span multiple definitions, some will veer right off into the fantastical, etc… and all are accepted given the Big C of Consent.
Regarding the possibility of ostracism for participating in BDSM and using it to explore yourself, that map changed GRAPHICALLY after the “50 Shades” phenomena. Elsewhere in my writing here on Arcane Advice you can read the mathematical analysis of how it turns out 1 out of every 37 literate adults over the age of 18 on PLANET EARTH has obtained a copy of “50 Shades.” This does not mean they read it, but the statistics / math shows these copies have been obtained, and the “conversation” about BDSM came blasting out of the proverbial closet. YES, there is certainly still misunderstanding and closed-minded bigotry against BDSM folk, but it is a fraction of what it used to be even as little as 25 years ago. 20-25 years ago you could find GREAT BDSM play parties and events to strut your stuff…. IF you looked around and made the right connections. You, the kinky person, had to do the research and look around, ask the right people, etc. Now you go to an absolutely Vanilla dance club or rave only to see a whole BDSM pseudo-performance going on for the titillation of the club goers so they can giggle at the naughtiness of it all. Mainstream sex shops who used to have handcuffs in the back of the shop now sell them under the front counter. People who automatically used to judge and condemn “those kinky freaks” now look at their own friends and see “one of those people into that 50 Shades of Gray stuff.” Baby boomers are even coming out of the closet. Inside a modern BDSM club you will find Liberals, Conservatives, Democrats, and Republicans all co-mingling (of course demographically swayed by the local, average sentiment). In the best clubs, selfhood becomes less determined by your career and gender, and much more defined by how deeply you immerse yourself into your chosen BDSM role.
Perhaps one of the greatest experiences of this kind of “umbrella equality inside the club,” is how the role of “Dominant” has become graphically loosened from the gender of the person behind that role. Female Dominas and Male Dominants are perceived for their skill at the task, and dramatically less so judged by the gender behind that task. In pockets of prejudice and sexism, you might find the occasional singular person who thinks, “Kinky [Men / Women] should all be [Submissive / Dominant],” but this kind of closed-minded thinking inside the BDSM Community is largely on the way out. Here in 2019, people by and large in the Global BDSM Scene care more about the Quality, Commitment, and Skill of the Artist – regardless of their gender – than they do about the gender or sex-role of the person on either end of the scene playing out.
I think the “positive life experiences” of BDSM are also coming to light rapidly. In the last 5 years there have been various international studies showing greater mental equilibrium and lowered daily stress amongst the BDSM crowd, as well as per capita lower incidents of domestic violence (not surprising) and greater ability to communicate with one’s partner. These in turn provide a GRAPHIC example of how BDSM might very well be Ahead Of The Curve when it comes to a more Socially Mature Society.
NOTE – I elucidate these ideas in the speech I gave at a philosophy convention.
Here are the links if you want to see that speech – in two parts:
To Sum: I want to reiterate that these are only my perceptions based on what I have seen and experienced in the last 30 years in the Global BDSM Community, and the wonderful evolutions I have witnessed. From changing as a pathology (bad and unacceptable) to a paraphilia (reasonable and perfectly acceptable) in the DSM which is thee book of psychological definitions, to coming out of the closet as a substantial demographic, to blasting into the public eye during the “50 Shades” phenomena, to actually being perceived as a method for a more-secure form of Selfhood given that one is drawn to BDSM, the Scene has evolved quite a bit over the last several decades. In the current era, sociologists and psychologists are starting to agree that BDSM may in fact be a kind of answer, or at least a fringe model, for personal evolution. The latter, in my honest opinion, is wholly positive.
We are not quite at the point where psychologists are prescribing “BDSM Therapy,” however the trend and the results of the studies would suggest that there is room for a Transpersonal element wherein people can find forward-moving self-realization from their BDSM practices along the same lines as, say, someone suggesting a person meditates, or does yoga to relax, or works their home garden as a form of self-care. It is quite possible that as more people discover the fertile soil for Self-Exploration within the Greater BDSM Community, that bigotry will lessen, individuality will blossom on a massive scale, and more people will find happiness in coming closer to truly knowing and appreciating the differences in themselves and in others.
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