How To Create Rules – A Primer For New Dominants

A new Dominant wrote to me asking, “How & Where Do I Start Creating Rules As A New Dominant?”

At The Crow Academy we get this kind of question very often. Not surprising actually, as the world of BDSM is so vast and varied that for a newcomer it can seem like a boat on a shifting sea not knowing which port to head towards to get started on their journey. Hence I decided to create this simple primer for New Dominants on How To Create Rules.

Creating Rules as the Dominant is really easy.

You just need to follow a simple set of sound guidelines and you will be on your way. 🙂

When you Create A New Rule, all you are really doing is setting the Boundaries for your submissive regarding what you consider “Good Behavior.”
• What do you want your submissive to do that will be pleasing to you?
• What should your submissive avoid doing that is NOT pleasing to you?
Effectively you are creating a “Better Way Of Doing Things.”

Ask yourself r.e. the above 2 questions:
—-> Is this “Better Way Of Doing Things” something that should become a Permanent Behavior / Permanent Way Of Doing Things?
• If the answer is YES then you want to Create A RULE, and you have to make sure your submissive sticks to it.
• If the answer is NO, say because the behavior only occurs on rare occasions, then it might simply be an item you Discuss with your submissive, let your submissive know your feelings & preferences on that behavior, and address as it comes up.

When Rules are New, you can be a BIT lenient, and allow for mistakes, but never “sweep it under the carpet,” meaning never completely ignore a mistake. Being “Lenient” means you can simply offer your submissive Corrections with a Smile. A “nudge” if you will, back into the Correct way of performing the Rule & associated Behavior. As time passes, if you feel your submissive is not giving the Rule proper attention or being intentionally delinquent about it, THEN you can become more strict. But in the beginning of any New Rule allow for an easy “learning phase” where you offer Friendly & Positive Guidance to make sure your submissive learns the Desired Behavior properly. 🙂

IMPORTANT:
NEVER create a Rule where it is 51% or more likely that the submissive will FAIL!
ALWAYS design Rules (protocols, etc) such that your submissive is 51% or more likely to SUCCEED, even if the Rule is challenging. Tipping the scales towards this “51% or more likely to Succeed” principle is Core & Critical to designing any curriculum, protocols, or rules aimed at long-term happiness for the both of you. Yes you can be Strict, and Yes you are often creating important D/s Boundaries. Nonetheless, if it appears a New Rule is more likely to cause FAILURE rather than Success, Do NOT Impose Such A Rule as the obvious tendency towards Failure can have long-term negative effects on your D/s Relationship. Note that “51% or more likely to Succeed” of course hinges on the submissive giving reasonable proper effort to the Rule, and not being intentionally delinquent about it.

In addition, certain BDSM Games might have a “Fun” component of Failure (e.g. the submissive or Bottom wants to fail so they can receive some “Funishment” – for example a masochist who wants those cane swats…). We are NOT talking about these unusual Funishment (aka Fun Punishment) conditions in this lesson. We ARE talking about Pervading Rules aimed at building the Structure and Day-To-Day Expectations for your submissive. Setting your submissive up to Succeed at a Task / Rule / Protocol is setting them up to be happy about pleasing you. And of course you want your submissive to be pleasing to you. 🙂

KEY POINT: You MUST stay on top of behaviors you do Not like, and you MUST Reinforce behaviors you DO like. You cannot be lazy about this. Don’t be pedantic about this either – adjust and correct as necessary, and then relax and allow the submissive to practice the desired behavior. If the behavior involves repetition to perfect, such as a certain Slave-Position or Posture, then go easy with it, like a Loving or Kind-Hearted Coach. Adjust as necessary, and offer easy compliments (Positive Reinforcement) when the submissive is doing the behavior properly.

• If your submissive behaves badly and you “let it slide” then you are sending the incorrect & counterproductive message that the submissive’s misbehavior is ok. Don’t Do That.
At the very least, mention that the behavior or protocol was done incorrectly and re-explain the proper behavior or proper way you wish your submissive to perform the protocol.

• If your submissive performs a behavior Correctly then ALWAYS positively acknowledge it with at least a “Good Girl” (for fem sub; adjust for gender) smile / gesture / words.
Positive Reinforcement is Worth its Weight in Gold! 🙂

Note that of course D/s Rules in General need to be congruent with the Hard Limits your submissive has stated in your Initial Negotiation, and certainly satisfy your own Limits as well.

You do NOT have to set boundaries for every single aspect of life.
You only set boundaries for behaviors, protocols, and life-elements that MATTER to You.

Rules & Protocols can be for Large Behaviors, for example general behavior at home, OR they can also be for very small, common moments in life, for example who gets into the car first or what a submissive is expected to do first thing in the morning. They can be full of Decorum & Etiquette, OR they can be very simple adjustments to show good life-habits.

Examples from smallest (most innocuous) to largest (most pervasive)….
— A rule on how to make your coffee in the morning
— A rule on which honorific you prefer (Master, Mistress, Sir, Madam, Goddess, etc)
— A rule on how you are to be greeted by your sub (kneeling / offering a drink / etc)
— A rule on dressing for a BDSM scene
— A rule on general behavior in public (e.g. never be rude to shop workers)
— A protocol on general posture
— A rule on the submissive’s diet
— A rule on daily healthy routines like exercise and grooming
— An over-arching rule on speech patterns (e.g. submissive is never to assume a superior tone)

Again, ask yourself What Actually Matters To You?

And remember that Rules & Protocols stemming from or providing Etiquette, Manners, and / or Decorum can become a very pleasant way to enhance your daily life together, remind you that you are in a D/s Relationship, and create a very smooth pathway to maintaining excellent communication and a fine equilibrium between the two of you.

If you find after a time that a New Rule just does not work, or if the submissive is tending to fail in the Rule even though they are sincerely and obviously giving it their best effort, then its FINE to modify / change / adjust the Rule so that it works better and is easier for the submissive to succeed at it. If the dysfunctional Rule cannot be modified to tip the scales to “51% or more likely to Succeed,” then as the Dominant you have the right to throw the dysfunctional Rule aside completely and start over with a better Rule.

IMPORTANT:
When a submissive Succeeds at a Rule you have given them, and they see you are pleased, It Helps Build their Self-Esteem. Further acknowledging their Success with simple, positive reinforcement (e.g. “Good Girl” or “well done,” a kiss on the forehead, etc) and a smile showing you are pleased by your successful submissive can double this wonderful effect. 🙂

Creating Rules & Protocols are bread & butter to Dominants around the globe and throughout the history of Consensual Domination & Submission. It’s FINE to use another Dominant’s Rules or Protocols if they also work for your desires as a Dominant. As you grow and evolve in your Art of Dominance, the overall set of Rules and Protocols you enjoy will contribute to establishing your own personal Dominant STYLE. Be creative, try new things, always set your submissive up to be 51% or more likely to succeed, and have Fun with this Core Element of Domination & Submission.

Become The Amazing Dominant You’ve Always Wanted To Be…
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🙂