It is my pleasure to once again share the words and thoughts of my beloved slave Daphne, who grows every day in her ability to provide wonderful guidance for new submissives around the globe.
As a professional BDSM and D/s Educator herself, slave Daphne encountered a number of occurrences where submissives complained that they get jealous of their Dominant when they go to BDSM Events, or became jealous when their Dominant looked at photos of other women online. Previously, she chose to address these concerns briefly while helping submissives learn and grow. Recently however, she realized that there was certainly more to say on the problem of Jealousy and was inspired to write this greatly expanded lesson from her knowledgable submissive perspective.
As you may know if you have been a fan of Arcane Advice since the beginning, the Green-Eyed Monster known as Jealousy is something that not only requires serious attention to solve and move past, but it can also rear its ugly head in highly destructive ways that are antithetical to a healthy D/s Relationship. We detailed this in our very first lesson ever here on Arcane Advice, where we showed the difference between Jealousy (irrational and bad) versus Mate-Guarding (reasonable and understandable). You can find that first lesson here: The Unusual Virtue of Rational Jealousy – Mate-Guarding vs The Green-Eyed Monster
Having seen parallel concerns about Jealousy arise amongst submissives in her experience teaching others about D/s, slave Daphne brings her guidance to Arcane Advice to beautifully explain why it is so important to achieve a healthy D/s Relationship that is beyond jealousy. Her lesson below provides insight into the mind of both partners, so that balance can be restored and the D/s Relationship get back on track. In her philosophies below she equally addresses Jealousy in the Dominant as Jealousy can become a problem that affects anyone, not just submissives.
Enjoy.
Irrational Jealousy in a D/s Relationship
by slave Daphne
Do you think jealousy belongs in the Lifestyle? One of the core tenants of D/s and BDSM is Trust, and most of us know this. As with all healthy relationships, trust is needed in order to build lasting intimacy and love. It becomes especially important when we as kinksters often put our partners in vulnerable and emotionally demanding positions. So with that in mind, is it fair to consider jealousy the opposite of trust?
First, I’d like to make some distinctions. In this particular topic, I am addressing jealousy as it comes up in a relationship where neither partner has done anything disloyal. And when I say jealousy, I mean the irrational kind. The type where someone perceives a threat that isn’t there, the type that is based on fear. As a quick description, “mate guarding” is different. While it is a form of jealousy, it is rooted in instinct, not fear. It only happens when there is an actual threat to the pair bond, for example: someone making an obvious pass at your partner and trying to get them into bed. The mate guarding instinct would have you make your presence known and is intended to make this other person / intruder leave. No arguments afterwards, no hurt feelings, the problem was dealt with and now everything goes back to normal. For more on mate guarding, read Master Arcane’s more in depth article here: Mate-Guarding versus The Green Eyed Monster
Mate guarding is the ONLY form of jealousy that I believe is appropriate. Here is why….
Specifically addressing other submissives, how can we truly flourish under our Dominant’s care if we are suspicious of them? Doesn’t that mean that we do not trust them with our hearts? How then can we follow their orders if we do not trust that they have our best interests in mind?
I am here to say that if irrational jealousy is left unchecked, it will eventually destroy your dynamic. It is a form of self sabotage, especially when your partner has been nothing but loyal. It is a way of telling yourself that you are not good enough, that you cannot believe that someone can love you entirely and honestly. This thought in the back of your mind can manifest in some pretty negative ways. Mostly, submitting fully to your Dominant can become almost impossible. In my opinion, full submission requires absolute trust which is why it’s such a journey to get there with a Dominant. If you allow jealousy to grip you, you will not likely achieve it.
Other ways it can manifest include, but are not limited to: copping a bad attitude, being argumentative, second guessing commands, and flat out disobedience. These behaviors can cause many problems and can end up ruining the one thing you are afraid to lose in the first place. Training a submissive, especially in a 24/7 dynamic, takes a lot of work and mental focus on the part of the Dominant to achieve great results. If a Dominant is putting all this energy into helping create a beautiful D/s Relationship and they are then met with unwarranted suspicion and disobedience, it is very likely for the Dominant to experience “Top Drop.” Understanding Top Drop is good to know so you can avoid it, even if its not currently affecting your dynamic. It is also good for the submissive to know about Top Drop so they can understand its cause and effect. You can read more about Top Drop here: https://arcaneadvice.com/all-lessons-a-z/top-drop-what-it-is-how-to-rectify-it/
Dominants, it is just as important for you to get your irrational jealousy under control as well. Your submissive is trusting you to be at your best and in a clear state of mind as you guide them. This is why one of the Top 10 Qualities that make a fine Dominant is level headedness. A mind full of jealousy and suspicion is not going to be level-headed enough to make the best decisions for your dynamic. Methodologies of control born from jealousy are innately dysfunctional. The purpose of your control is to help the submissive become a well rounded individual. You should never design control methods out of fear, including your fear that your submissive might run off with someone else. Control methods, aka the BDSM and D/s Protocols you put in place, should always be aimed at seeing your submissive succeed and blossom into her most beautiful manifestation as your beloved submissive complement.
For more on the Top 10 Qualities of a Fine Dominant Click Here
Also consider how it might make the submissive feel if you constantly question their loyalty to you. It could potentially make them feel inadequate, like nothing they do is good enough to fully please you. Seeing you happy and pleased with their service is one of the greatest gifts you can give a submissive. You are depriving them of this gift when you let your irrational jealousy control your mind and ruin your happiness.
I know it is not something you can simply get over in one night. It takes a lot of work, support, self love and dedication. It may take months, years even, to learn to love yourself enough to believe you are worthy of being loved by someone else, and thereby move past The Green Eyed Monster. It is a tricky obstacle to overcome but it is so worth it. Once you find yourself free of that fear your world will brighten in many ways… and when you achieve this, it will make your D/s Relationship stronger than ever.
Leave a Comment