No, The Submissive Does NOT Have “All The Power” –
Restoring Balance to the D/s Dance

Sometime in the 1990’s a new, deceptive catch phrase started to circulate within the BDSM Community. At first glance, it appeared to be harmlessly aimed at empowering submissives throughout the BDSM Community, and even on second glance it seemed to anyone on the outside looking in to be reassuring everyone that a submissive was not a doormat. This catch phrase quickly seduced newcomers into it’s unbalanced grasp. The phrase was simply this:
“The submissive is really the one with all the power”

Variations included:
— “The submissive is really the one who decides everything.”
— “The submissive is really the one who sets all the limits.”
— “The submissive is the one who really controls the scene.”

The result was a false promise and unobtainable, monochromatic vision that became perpetuated in the name of convincing others. The only real achievement of this myth was to set the stage for one failed D/s and BDSM encounter after another, having created a false foundation incapable of supporting any kind of meaningful, ongoing BDSM interaction, let alone support any kind of sustainable D/s Relationship. You still hear this nonsense, so rather than just advise you to simply not take it seriously, or suggest taking it with a large grain of salt, in this lesson I am going to fully dissect this catch phrase, expose the destructive underbelly of this myth, and set the record straight to get everyone set onto a MUCH healthier and more sustainable path of Mutual Respect.

DISPELLING THE MYTH

The sad truth about this misleading myth is that the whole line of thinking found the most common use of the above phrases generally offered up specifically when someone inside the BDSM Scene was trying to lure someone outside the BDSM Community to come inside and take on a submissive role to one touting the catch phrase. To put it another more guttural way, this was a common line spoken by amateur “dominants” seeking to seduce someone new into being their submissive. “Oh don’t worry about anything, because you see the submissive (really saying: “what I want you to be for me”) really has all the power; You will feel soooo empowered and soooo in control all the time; So now would be a good time to take off your clothes…..”

The reason this myth caught so many in its sticky tendrils is that in it’s monochromatic and lopsided focus it was a Partial reflection of several good truths, but only gave HALF the picture and presented that half as a highly misguided “whole.” The myth presented skewed and truncated versions of several perfectly valid norms within BDSM. In its deception, it appeared to be supporting good, ethical values within BDSM, such as:

“Submissives should feel safe” – this is absolutely true.
“Submissives have Limits” – this is also absolutely true.
“Submissives can say a Safeword and stop a scene immediately if they need to” – this is again absolutely true.

Ethical values within BDSM like these three points above ARE INDEED Very Good Principles. Fine BDSM and D/s absolutely goes hand-in-hand with Ethical Behavior. The problem is that, as mentioned, the erroneous catch phrases only ever painted one half of the picture, and in the name of seduction made it seem like the whole picture. In doing so, the Utter Half-Truth of this myth never did a damn thing for any kind of long term Dominant-Submissive Relationships, and – in fact – set up these same Relationships founded on this myth to FAIL.

WHY IT’S A PROBLEM

At The Crow Academy, we often help couples and individuals find much deeper meaning within their BDSM and D/s Experiences, and as such we also help them address all manner of stumbling blocks, hurdles and set-backs. Having been at this for some time, it is safe to say that there are absolutely certain common, Key Issues that we often see again…. and again….. and again in our clients. Certainly we also deal with a much wider variety of issues as well as Completely Positive Coaching Elements far beyond what is mentioned here. 🙂

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Nonetheless, statistically speaking there are a few “hurdles” and “sticking-points” that are quite common, as noted amongst the beautiful spectrum of our clients, and the problems created by this specific Myth fall under that problematic umbrella.

For one, we often help Men who are entirely uncertain about how to “Be Dominant” in a loving and romantic manner that also fulfills their female partner’s submissive desires. These men are often afraid to act in a Romantically Dominant manner because of their previously unquestioning adherence to the contemporary society conditioning of “what is politically correct?” Some have a fear of peer condemnation for falsely appearing to be acting in a misogynistic manner, while others may even have to confront their entire Vanilla upbringing which may include problematic role models in the adults around them as they grew up.

Equally as important, we often hear about Dominas and Dominatrixes who, being afraid to upset their clients, labor under the false impression that if they do not serve their client’s every need that they are somehow “not being a good Dominatrix”…. and will allow their clients to walk all over them and treat them like a “fetish-dispenser.” This is of course just as absurd, and the best Dominas I know absolutely have their own very strict limits, and are certainly NOT a fetish-dispenser. Every Domina and Dominatrix has a right to be treated with respect.

Another hurdle we see quite often within D/s Couples is that the Dominant parter has never realized the sheer importance and potential majesty of the Romantic Dominant role, having been raised thus far in the world of BDSM with this very specific, nonsensical myth of the submissive “having all the power.” These Dominants sometimes end up thinking that the sole role of the Dominant is to provide “services of pleasure” to the submissive. Mind you there is nothing wrong with a Dominant bringing pleasure to their submissive, but the issue here is that it appears as a one-sided obligation from the misperceptions generated by this myth. This misguided understanding ends up limiting the Dominant themselves in their own explorations of their Creative Potential, skewing and distorting how the Dominant can craft their own Personal Evolution as the necessarily assigned / negotiated “Leader” of the D/s Relationship.

In all of the above cases of clients exhibiting these problems, we have seen a common thread:
A deflated, ineffective, tethered view of the meaning of Being Dominant. All these clients who have these hurdles have the common element of having been erroneously taught that their role and their “power” is secondary and / or even subservient to the role of the Submissive. Yes subservient…. because as the myth has told them, “the submissive really has all the power / sets the limits / is the only one who has or even needs a Safeword.” This is a destructive myth that does Not Help Anyone.

To this, we here at The Crow Academy have offered all the above clients a resounding and simple answer in response to this myth. We tell them very straight forwardly that this lopsided myth is NONSENSE.

BDSM IS ALL ABOUT FLOW…. IT’S A BALLROOM DANCE

The truth of ALL Top-Shelf BDSM and Ultra-Fine Domination & Submission – yes ALL, as in 100% – is that (TAKE THIS TO HEART) it is ALL like FINE BALLROOM DANCING, and as the infamous saying goes, “It Takes Two To Tango.” If you have ever studied any kind of Ballroom Dancing – Tango, Waltz, Foxtrot….or even other kinds of partner dancing like Salsa, Swing, Jitterbug, etc – you learn about the BALANCE OF EFFORT that lays within every single occurrence of a Fine Dance that is Well Performed and enjoyed to the fullest by BOTH People Dancing. For the sake of discussion here, we will summarize the phenomenon of these partner-dances by calling them all “Ballroom Dancing” even though not all are performed in actual ballroom circumstances, e.g. some happen at a Salsa club, others at Swing Dance events, etc.

In ALL of these “Ballroom Dancing” circumstance, you have one person as “THE LEAD,” and one person as “THE FOLLOW.” The Lead’s job is to give the subtle signals that decide what move, or set of moves, will be performed in the very next instant. The Follow’s job is to be LISTENING with their whole body and all their senses to these microscopic instructional messages from The Lead, instant to instant, and then specifically attune their own complementary movement to comply with these super-fast, non-verbal instructions…. and even embellish upon The Lead’s instructions with subtleties of elaborate movement created from the dancing skills of the developed Follow.

The Lead offers super-fast decisions, communicated physically within the Dance, about each forthcoming move, instant to instant. They are responsible for using the energy and momentum of The Follow’s subtleties of movement to make a good choice in picking the next movement / set of movements to continue the Dance. As The Lead picks the next, further-guiding movement to respond to The Follow’s subtleties and physical responses, a magnificent flow is created, chaining together the set of moves that was just occurring / just passing with the next choice of moves. Years of practice make The Lead into a greater and greater expert in both using their senses to feel the flow of the current moment, as well as beautifully selecting the next movement so that it all flows seamlessly…. and also caters to the obvious and apparent capabilities of The Follow.

The Follow offers the purest of Complements to the decisions of The Lead, listening to the subtle commands of The Lead’s body and responding with all of their own training to move as gracefully and seamlessly into the new direction…. the new momentum…. the set of dance moves in the next instant…. and execute a seamless move of their own which plays right into the parameters of what The Lead can use to select yet another move in the very next instant. In the blink of an eye this process of “command-listen-respond-react-create-return-flow” occurs again and again and again, smoothly linking together into a beautiful display. A finely-tuned Lead and Follow who dance well with each other often seem as though they are telepathic, and if you think about the overlap between telepathy versus intuition versus just plain Listening With All Your Senses To Your Partner…. well yes it’s easy to see why they would seem telepathic!

YES THE SUBMISSIVE DOES HAVE THEIR OWN POWER AND THEIR OWN SAY

Extending the analogy of the Ballroom Dance to BDSM and D/s…. certainly The Follow – the Submissive – can stop the Dance at any time. If the Dance – the scene – is going badly, the Follow can walk away from the dance floor, or find someone else to dance with. Equally, The Follow – the Submissive – can choose to only do dances that they like, and / or they can try new dances to expand their own repertoire….or not. Certainly they DO have the power to make all of these decisions.

But guess what?
So too can The Lead – the Dominant – do All Of The Above.

You see, this is where that myth falls apart. As we said in the beginning, it takes Two To Tango, and if either person does not like the Dance they can leave the dance floor and Then There Is No Dance At All. The Lead Requires The Follow to have a Dance, and The Follow Requires The Lead to have a Dance. Both must absolutely Respect the Role of the Other, as they are Defined By Each Other in terms of being a Dancing Pair. You know what we call a Dominant without a Submissive OR a Submissive without a Dominant? An Ordinary Person. The Dominant Requires The Submissive to experience D/s and BDSM, and equally – The Submissive Requires The Dominant to experience D/s and BDSM.

The idea that “the Sub has all the power” has inspired COUNTLESS (yes countless, as in Far Far Too Many) well-meaning Dominants to fail to even take the time to identify their own Dominant Hard Limits. This was the very reason we wrote the earlier lessons here on Arcane Advice entitled “The Hard Limits of the Dominant.” Probably the Number One lesson I teach new Dominants is that they MUST identify their own Hard and Soft Limits just as much as they need to know all about the Limits of their Submissive. So very often we all hear again and again about “How It’s Super-Important for the Submissive to Know and State their Limits,” but how often do you hear this said for Dominants? This represents a lack of harmonious D/s Education that we here at The Crow Academy are happy to address, and add some Balance to the situation for the future happiness of D/s Couples everywhere.

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DISEMPOWERMENT OF THE DOMINANT

Another reason this myth is so destructive is that it sets up a False Foundation. It denies the importance of the Power – and Responsibility – of the Dominant, The Lead in the Ballroom Dance of BDSM. As such, the Dominant can never live up to the very role they have promised to their Submissive. Both people lose out in the end, no matter how much the Submissive appears to have been empowered by this nonsensical myth that “the sub has all the power.”

At The Crow Academy we teach that BDSM is NOT – in fact – a “Power Exchange,” but rather a “One-Way Power Flow,” much the way a lightbulb and a battery have a one-way power flow that creates light. It is the same Power Flow of Instruction provided by The Lead for The Follow, and the Response-Feedback that The Follow provides for further inspiration to The Lead to make their next decision for the Dance. When it flows well it feels AMAZING. That beautiful flow makes BOTH people feel empowered, inspired, and uplifted.

An “exchange” on the other hand, is a give and take, for example in a market of olden times when someone offered a few eggs in exchange for a few candles. To “exchange power” implies a future struggle or conflict, as both parties receive power and thus you would end up with two “Leads” in the Dance. FYI…. that Never Works.

At the very best, one could say that The Lead and The Follow “exchange” the Gift Of Listening To Each Other, and in turn Do Their Own Part in the Dance by properly manifesting their own respective, balanced roles. By doing so they keep the One-Way Flow going and going, like a flywheel that gains momentum to spin ever more smoothly on its own. From The Lead’s decision… to The Follow’s elegant response… to The Lead’s decision… to The Follow’s elegant response…. keeping the beautiful flow of the Dance alive. From the Battery to the Lightbulb to the Battery to the Lightbulb…. to keep the Light going. So too does this idea of a smooth and balanced Flow abundantly apply to the Dominant and the Submissive in their D/s Dance.

However, if the Dominant fails to learn the majesty and responsibility their own role and the power contained – and expected – therein, then they will never learn to issue Finely Tuned Instructions. They will never learn to tap into the Raw Creativity that makes Being Dominant such a Joy. If the Dominant fails to understand their own Boundaries and state their own Limits, then they will always end up being a pushover for the whims of the Submissive, and I guarantee you that BOTH people will end up in a state of disappointment, like two Ballroom Dancers who were erroneously misled to believe that “The Follow is The Lead”…. a complete absurdity!

A well-meaning D/s Couple who believes the destructive myth that “the Sub has all the power” will be mystified as to why they feel such disappointment, since they have been telling themselves that they are doing what the myth told them to do. Yet the myth takes all the wind out of the sails of the Dominant, so is it really any wonder why their Shared Ship Upon the Seas of BDSM has stopped dead in the water?? The Follow is told they are also The Lead and so the dance becomes wildly unbalanced and decays, becoming directionless and boring for both. The Power Flow Stops…. and the light goes out…. all because of this deceptive, lopsided myth that denies the PERFECTLY BALANCED Roles and Rights of BOTH People Involved.

Perhaps the worst outcome of this myth is that because the Dominant never gets to really step into their own Full Power, their own Full Creativity, to push themselves to the Limits of their own Designs, to experience the majesty of their own Kindness…. they equally never get to fully understand and accept how all of the above are predicated on their Absolute Acceptance of the RESPONSIBILITY that comes with being someone’s Dominant. Because they never step fully into their role as The Lead, they never fully understand how so much of The Dance Itself requires them to Take Full Responsibility for how the Dance will play out…. to take Responsibility for listening to responses and feedback from The Follow intensely…. to take Responsibility to Be Creative and to use their Role and Power to Create a Beautiful Dance.

Certainly the Submissive absolutely has their own set of Responsibilities. The Follow – the Submissive – has a great responsibility to be honest in their responses to The Lead, to listen to the instructions of The Lead, and to do their best with the instructions The Lead has given them. BOTH PEOPLE have an endless responsibility to be as Clear as Possible in their communication, whether we are talking about the physical communication of the Ballroom Dance, or the spoken communication of the D/s Couple.

REMEMBER ONE WORD: “BALANCE”

All of us here at The Crow Academy have this to say in regards to this nasty myth about “the Sub has all the power,” a myth that needs to be buried once and for all. This seductive, wholly incorrect, mistaken, erroneous myth just plain needs to STOP….
BECAUSE….

The Finest Ballroom Dance….
The Brightest Light from the Battery and the Bulb….
The Most Perfect Experience of BDSM and D/s….

…. will come when BOTH people accept that it is all about the BALANCE of the One-Way Power Flow. Everyone performs in their own part at their Fullest Capability, and BOTH express their limits, their needs, and their desires as clearly as possible. BOTH understand they can stop the Dance at any time, and in understanding this they BOTH ACTIVELY CHOOSE to be as amazing as possible in their own part of the Dance. By choosing to BOTH be at their best with each other, they act with integrity, attentively listening to the messages of the other, freshly communicating, and fully stepping-up to whole-heartedly embrace their respective Responsibilities in pursuit of Exceptional, Romantic Domination and Submission to achieve superb BDSM experiences…. again and again.

So the next time you hear someone say, “the Sub has all the Power,” you can correct them and tell them, “No, BOTH people have their Own Kind of Power and Responsibilities appropriate to their Role.” You can remind them that BOTH people can stop the scene, BOTH people need to state their Limits, and BOTH have every right to leave the dance floor if the D/s Dance is not going well. You can help them understand that BOTH must choose to do their part to the best of their ability if they are going to achieve the goal of a Finely-Tuned, Well-Balanced D/s Relationship.