The Beautiful INTENSITY of EMOTIONS in the D/s Relationship

An earnest female submissive wrote me asking if I could talk about how and why emotions, feelings and love are so much more intensified within a D/s Relationship, and why the intensity can so deeply affect one’s daily vanilla life, including even a simple argument. She asked if there was a better way for people (the Dom and sub in this case) to express themselves in moments of disagreement, given who we are and what we do. My answer was a very definite YES, but to explain the full parameters I had to cover a lot of ground…

My answer dives into Human Biology, Ancient Tribal Definitions of “Fetish,” Critical Relationship Issues, Psychobiology, Conflict Resolution, and some Cutting Edge Communication Techniques that can help the life of ANYONE…vanilla, fetish, bdsm, or otherwise!

I hope you enjoy what I had to say, and perhaps find some tools inside to enhance your own communication with your partner, and quite possibly enhance many other interactions in your life as well. 🙂

Why emotions, feelings and love seem to be so much more intense within a D/s Relationship….

Apparently there was a study done in the late 80’s where someone (perhaps the famous Dr. Pomeory of the San Francisco Sex Institute?) studied the biochemistry of people into BDSM. What the results showed was that BDSM folk have a biochemistry very similar to Mountain Climbers and Race Car Drivers. Stop for a moment and consider this: What do these all have in common? Serotonin or Dopamine requirement levels? Probably. And what do unusual requirements of Serotonin and/or Dopamine mean in these 3 areas (BDSM, Mountain Climbing, Race Car Driving)? One Answer: They all require a Greater Degree of STIMULATION to “feel normal.”

This is a beautiful thing. Ask most Mountain Climbers about their day-to-day lives and they will tell you how they just don’t get as ruffled by “the small stuff” when they are back on the ground leading their daily life. After spending hours or days with their lives suspended by their own strength and a line of rope, life back on the ground seems incredibly managable.That said, to be happy the Mountain Climber keeps going back to the Mountain. I can draw a similar parallel to the Martial Artist who keeps getting back in the ring no matter how many times he or she gets defeated – it is the RUSH of being on that absolutely tangible Edge, an Edge which comes in many forms. The Race Car Driver, the Martial Artist, the Mountain Climber, even the surfer riding a wave right on the edge of their ability, all experience a magic that comes from pushing themselves absolutely INTO THE PRESENT MOMENT – they do not have a choice, and in truth the reward is in the action and the moment itself. In being SOOOO completely in the present moment, the rest of life – all its complexities, joys, challenges, dramas…all of it – withdraws into the far background while the IMMENSITY and Magnificence of the Present Moment “fills the screen” of one’s mind, perception, and one could even say “soul.”

Those of us who participate in the world of BDSM because it is in our hearts and not just a trendy pastime, also know that moment when we are with our partner and the rest of the world vanishes. The nature of a “FETISH” is such that it fills one’s mind with a pleasantly obsessive focus which can become a source of empowerment when channeled into a particular, productive expression, whether that means achieving physical prowess, bringing pleasure to a partner, or otherwise.

Ancient tribal people sometimes had Shamans or Spiritual Leaders who would give a small object to a sick person – or even a perfectly well person like a warrior – where the object was meant to focus their energy and their thoughts. Ask any modern athlete about the value of focusing your thoughts so that you think of nothing but winning and they will extol the virtues of said self-hypnosis. Ever notice how some professional athletes have little, tiny micro-rituals they do to focus themselves right before they go onto the field? So too did the small object given by the Shaman help the receiver focus, and that object was known, as a matter of fact, as a “fetish.” Equally, so too does almost every one of our BDSM practices focus us when performed with the full passion that these activities excite.

I draw these comparisons between perfectly vanilla “fetish” ideas and our BDSM Fetish notions to show that these are completely pan-global concepts – all races, all peoples. However, BDSM Fetishism is the sexualization of these ideas, often into an animal like intensity or hyper-focus. Take the mental discipline of the athlete performing his or her little micro-ritual above, and then add in the raw power and heat of sexuality and you will get the idea of what I am talking about. The very fact that one can get BETTER at focusing one’s Fetish and take it into an amazing level of fulfillment for both oneself and one’s partner is why I call these the BDSM “ARTS.” An Art is aimed at producing beauty, and it is something to continuously refine in an ever-unfolding, alchemical process of attaining greater majesty in one’s expression.

To the point, we in the BDSM Lifestyle own this INTENSITY every day. We may be calm in the moment, even mundane in our activities, but deep inside we require that Fetish, that Greater Stimulation to feel “normal,” to attain Seratonin and Dopamine levels that feel Centered. Note that these variations are all within reasonable human parameters – Mountain Climbers and Martial Artists do not, as a rule, require any medical treatment for requiring greater stimulation (unless the society they are in is pathological itself!) – quite the opposite their excesses so finely channeled by way of their “athletic fetishes” are usually CELEBRATED by those of a more status quo stimulation level.

Even the “perviest” of us are not outside the boundaries of what is required for ANY successful relationship, with concepts like Trust, Honesty and Good Communication. You must take into account the Reality of even the most generic Relationship when considering the balance required within the Stimulation of Our BDSM World. Relationships can always be complicated, Love is always an overwhelming experience, mate-guarding is a hard-wired response, and the ability to really LISTEN is a gift no matter where you find it.

Nonetheless, we in the BDSM world enact all of the above inside of our own unique Crucible. Ours is a super-heated reality where counterpart non-fetishists would operate at a cooler temperature. We can stil be “cool-headed” about what we do, but we do so however, within a psychological environment that is a forge for what could potentially be True Greatness in Relationships. Who can deny the PROFOUND DEPTH within the tightly bonded Master & slave? Are they still Normal People with Normal, Outside Lives and Passions? Certainly! But within the D/s Relationship there is a HEAT that comes from the very fact of our numerous Fetishes, from the very fact that We Push The Envelope far beyond where the non-fetish relationship cares to tread (or slightly beyond for newer and lighter D/s couples). What satisfies our vanilla counterparts in a relationship would no more suffice than a life of truck driving would suffice for a race car driver – the Heat, The Intensity, The Edge is just not there…. and no need that it should be for those content with a life without such (many are the truck drivers who are perfectly happy with their lives). For those of us within the world of D/s however, we REQUIRE it just like Mountain Climber requires their Mountains.

Think, therefore, that ALL of your mental-emotional exchanges will be IMBUED with this same HEAT, this same Edge, again modified by How Deep you dive into the D/s World. This is part of the BLISS – that something as small as bringing a cup of coffee to the Master can be literally INFUSED with an invisible passion so profound it almost makes the submissive giddy to participate in this most common of loving actions.

So too can this same passion extend into the world of Common Conflict within a Relationship. This is where I believe your angst resides – in accepting that you both, the Dom and the sub within a D/s Relationship – have elected to LIVE your lives with this Heat in all that you do together, even the challenging areas that may arise between you.

Perhaps the first secret is to Embrace this passion, embrace the Heat. Love it and accept within yourself that you Require this level of Intensity to feel centered. Embrace the reality that this heat, this intensity is part of what makes you UNIQUE. Celebrate that you are Bold enough to reach out and Grasp a world where these parts of you can find Fulfillment – the world of Passionate, Profound, Deep D/s.The FIRST thing that can help you over-ride conflicts is to Acknowledge that in both of you being “Wired” this way, for this level of Intensity, for this Heat, that you are in fact “of the same Species.” Yes, you are the same kind of animal, albeit one of you is Dom and one of you is sub – that is just how the Formula Works for our “Species.”

(and for the biologist in you, can you truly tell me that if there is a verfiable baseline of normalcy for a morph of the human race to require greater natural, internal chemical stimulation, all of whom equally lead ordinary, productve and contributing lives, that they should not be considered a potential sub-species? The truth is that there are MANY morphs of the human race – take nocturnal vs diurnal as another example….).

Now lets step off the biological track for a moment and address some simple Relationship questions and issues. First is always Do You Have Trust for Each Other? It does NOT have to be *TOTAL* although that is a very fine goal to attain Total Trust. Complete trust in your partner is certainly magic, but Trust is a Gradient, with varying degrees of trust being attained over time. It can go up and it can go down, yet be neither total nor obliterated. You trust that most other drivers will at least stay in their lanes, but that does not mean you trust them to actually be Good Drivers; you feel comfortable regularly riding with your partner or car pool buddies on the other hand because you have Greater Trust in their driving ability.

The next question is do you Communicate Well? Do you both express yourselves easily and calmly? Do you both LISTEN when the other is talking – and of course I mean REALLY, CONSCIENTIOUSLY LISTEN and not just act as a receiver for sound?

It is true that a submissive such as yourself in a deep D/s relationship will expose herself comepletely to her Master – that is ideally what you are supposed to do. Does your Master in turn embrace the RESPONSIBILITY for Leading and Ruling a soul such as yourself and understand the beautiful fragility of the human heart?

These are questions you need to ask yourself. If you fail to express well, He cannot be held at fault for a reaction of misunderstanding. If he does not fully grasp the Responsibility of ruling another’s world, you should be cautious in giving full control to him. Do not Top-From-The-Bottom, but DO have a heart to heart about these areas with him. Tell Him How You Feel…. and truly LISTEN to his replies.

There is a GREAT concept that I want to share with you. It has to do with HOW you ENTER A COMMUNICATION with another person – ANY person! Take This one TO HEART – its worth its weight in DIAMONDS:
Ask yourself how you PRE-SUPPOSE the other you are speaking with is feeling inside themself, For You or Against You? Really ASK yourself what you have ALREADY DECIDED in your MIND far BEFORE you ever even get to “the table.” Now WATCH as your PRE-SUPPOSITION MANIFESTS and DRAMATICALLY Directs the ENTIRE COURSE OF THE COMMUNICATION!

Let me explain further. If you go into a talk – be it with your Master, a boardroom meeting, a sales pitch, or whatever – BELIEVING that it is “You vs Them” you will HEAR them speaking with imaginary Hidden Agendas designed to undermine you, manipulate you, or out-maneuver you at the least. If on the other hand you PRE-SUPPOSE that the one or ones you are speaking to are ALREADY ON YOUR TEAM, that they are already ON YOUR SIDE, then you will literally HEAR them making suggestions – even if vague ideas – that are MUCH more Understandable, Attainable, Helpful, and best of all SOLVABLE to Mutual Satisfaction.This is a concept that is surprisingly ELUSIVE, as simple as it sounds here. IT TAKES CONSCIOUS EFFORT. Yes people will do one or the other (For or Against) in almost every personal encounter in one’s life, but to CONSCIOUSLY steer your own perception – and have your Partner do the same – leads to AMAZINGLY FAST and Mutually Satisfying SOLUTIONS! When two people put this into practice they will be stunned at the results.

Take two lovers who have been together for years and have attained the kind of TRUST for each other such that they automatically know that they are both On The Same Side. Even when one of them is having a bad day and snaps at the other, though the other’s feelings might be hurt, deep down they already know that it was “a glitch” allowing apologies and forgiveness to be exchanged at LIGHT SPEED. If the two people were feeling at odds with each other, lacking Trust, the offense might cut far deeper and even the apologies might not even be trusted.

Another example: One person says, “Can you please be quiet for a minute – I have something important to say” in a calm tone of voice.

In the case of the two people who PRE-SUPPOSE being at odds with each other, or that the other is against them, the one listening will most likely hear, “Shut-up. I do not care what you are saying. Only my world counts and yours does not. My ideas are much more important than yours.”On the flip side, imagine the EXACT SAME PERSON saying the EXACT SAME SENTENCE, “Can you please be quiet for a minute – I have something important to say,” in the EXACT SAME TONE OF VOICE to someone who is PRE-SUPPOSING that the two are On The Same Team. The one listening and hearing their TEAM MATE On Their Side speaking will most likely hear, “Wow, I have some Exciting News – this is going to really affect Us – I need you to Really Listen because afterwards I am really going to need to hear what you have to say.”Etc etc.

Think about it. It’s a golden concept. 😉

Should you ask, “What about when the person you are talking to is shaking their fist at you?” i.e. what about when you have evidence they are – or seem to be – against you, I say this: Numerous have been the times I have turned EVEN THOSE situations around. When I was an event promoter I had belligerent guests – and their cohorts of 3 or 4 “gang” members – get in my face after I tell them to cease whatever rude behavior they were doing in my event. IN ALMOST EVERY CASE the situation ended with them honorably Shaking My Hand and no one needed to be thrown out of the club. How did I do it? I Pre-Supposed that they really just wanted to have a good time like everyone else and were just newbies to the idea of good-etiquette. With this attitude I was able to step-down the confrontation and ask them questions that got them to look into themselves and find their own natural sense of ethics. And these were situations where the opposite attitude of being against each other would almost certainly have led to violence (i.e. had I taken an antagonistic stance).

I can say from 100% personal experience that when two people – especially a Master and a slave – enter ANY discussion or arguement with the PRE-SUPPOSITION that they are both on the same side and on the same team, that Successful and Mutually Satisfying results are 1000 times more common. PLEASE NOTE that I am emphasizing when BOTH people have this “Same Team” attitude. If only one person does it and the other does not, then it does not have anywhere even close to the same results (although being the first one to pre-suppose you are on the same side can sometimes influence the other person / people to start thinking in the same way, as in the example above of the confrontations in my events).

You’ve got plenty to think about – the INTENSITY that should be evaluated as Hard Wired and part of what makes us the Incredible Morph of the Human Race that we are; the absolutely ordinary Relationship skills that everyone needs, Vanilla, Dom, sub or otherwise; the far-too underestimated importance of what two people Pre-Suppose before they even go into speaking with each other. If I could summarize it all I would say that because of the Requirements we as BDSM / Fetish folk have, that our relationships too have greater requirements. Brushing communication techniques aside in a vanilla relationship can of course cause problems, but doing the same in the Crucible of D/s is GUARANTEED to cause greater problems. The GOOD NEWS is that these skills are all actually VERY EASY techniques to learn if you just put your mind to it. Beneath it all what it really takes is just Two People who genuinely care about and for each other, and who relish the idea of succeeding and growing together as a Team. Add these techniques and responsiblities, and your Connection as Dom and sub will deepen, your issues will fade faster, and your discussions will yield inspiring results.

Unlike most vanilla relatiohnships, the “relationship duties” of the two in a D/s relationship are much more defined. You must of course each do your part. And when you are both living your bliss in your respective roles, communicating with integrity and pre-supposing being on the same side because of ever expanding proof that you are, you will wake up each morning and go to sleep each night with a rather profound smile inside.

— Arcane