When a Dominant suddenly loses all interest in being Dominant, even when He is still completely committed to His partner, one of the possibilities is the phenomenon known as “Top Drop.”
A well meaning submissive asked the question, “Do most Masters suffer TopDrop? If so, what are the signs and what is the best way to help, when a Master suffers this?”
I think this is an important question because the answer has multiple facets – the pacing of the Dom / Master, the input of the sub / slave, the process of recovery, and even the part both played in the Top Drop condition showing up in the first place. All these parts of the answer can help Doms and subs everywhere consider the factors that might lead to Top Drop, identify the signs it might be forthcoming…. and AVOID it before it begins! 🙂
Note – a “Top” IS different than a “Dominant.” As we teach here at The Crow Academy, “Topping” refers to the PHYSICAL aspects such as using BDSM Toys effectively, whereas “Dominance” refers to the PSYCHOLOGICAL aspects such as Teaching Behaviors & Training Protocols in a submissive. That said, the catch-phrase “Top Drop” applies to ALL Tops & Dominants, and mainly stuck because – quite honestly – it rhymes. 🙂
Please note: As usual I use a “Male Dominant / female submissive” description for examples from personal reference, but certainly Top Drop can occur in ANY Top or Dominant regardless of gender.
Enjoy.
Do “all” Masters suffer from Top-Drop?
— No.
Can any Master out there feel like he is just not in the mood to turn His Dominance ON at Full Speed every second of the day to please His sub?
— Hell Yes.
What new D/s Couples often fail to realize is that when the Dom is always trying to be ON for the happiness of the sub / slave, it can EASILY fall into a very disingenuous state which starts to drain the Master’s energy. Being false in one’s Dominance is never a good idea.
TOP DROP – what it is NOT
Lets talk for a minute about what is NOT Top Drop. Sometimes a slave who is getting HEAPS of attention from their Dom may feel a bit like the rug has been pulled out from under them if their Dom just takes a temporary vacation from being ON all the time.
I will be honest – I do NOT take such a vacation very often as D/s is more or less my natural state. I gain Peace from D/s. However, there have still been times I was just not in the mood to be “ON at Full Speed” as I call it. These are times I am overjoyed, for example, when my slave can go hang out with her girlfriends so I can just completely relax at home. Even then, at least 10% of my mind holds her in my D/s thoughts, and I self-monitor any high-priority responsibilities and protocols which have a genuine overriding responsibility on my part. To be sure however, enjoying my “Me Time” is NOT the same as Top Drop.
There are still other times I will openly tell my slave that I am taking a full “Me Day” and that I will NOT be attending to her general submission for more or less the entire day. I explain to her that instead I will be taking pretty much the whole day (and night) to attend to my own personal Relaxation and Self-Care. Perhaps I will binge watch some of my favorite TV shows, or perhaps I will dive into a great book all day, and nearly for certain I will be stepping away from my desk and serious work, i.e. it’s a genuine Day Off. The atmosphere for such a day is light and easy, social interaction between U/us is calm and pleasant, and my slave is expected to use all I have taught her to self-direct on most matters. Of course if she comes to a hurdle she can still politely consult me. In general however, I am to be left alone to focus on my own relaxation. Personally, I would say I do this about once a month on average.
Case-In-Point: In the Fine & Diligent Work of being a Quality Dominant, sometimes one simply needs a genuine “personal holiday” to refresh and “recharge one’s batteries.” It is simply a part of the Dominant’s Self-Care.
In such cases I will instruct my slave to still attend to her basic duties and maintain general Good D/s Etiquette, albeit at a very relaxed level as described above. I also often allow her to use the same day to have her own kind of “day off.” In most cases, such a day makes it easier for her to relax into her own “me time” as well because I intentionally place myself into a circumstance where she does not really need to overly attend to me or be as “ON” with me as she usually is, as per my clear intention for the day.
THE MAIN POINT: Simple periods of “Me Time” or even a full “Me Day” are certainly NOT the same as “Top Drop” which is a more serious condition.
TOP DROP – what it IS
“Top Drop” is when the Dominant suddenly feels like they CANNOT uphold the D/s State-of-Being. It’s a kind of messed-up feeling, as though one has suddenly grown physically fatigued from the HARD WORK of pushing oneself to genuinely be a Fine Dominant and a Reliable Leader within the D/s Dance.
Let me say it again: “THE HARD WORK OF BEING A DOM.”
There you go submissive ladies and gents – Being a Fine Dom is WORK. A Fine Dominant MUST shoulder full Responsibility for the overall Well-Being of their submissive.
You cannot be a Fine Dominant without accepting this Responsibility. Full Stop.
Click Here to Learn About 10 Key Qualities for an Exceptional Dominant
Being a Fine Dominant is indeed Work, and takes a massive amount of Dedication and Diligence. Happily, one can say that the Work of being a Fine Dominant is Passion-Driven, and so might seem quite effortless most of the time for a sincere Dominant. Nonetheless, even when it is the most fulfilling and wonderful work in the world, it does not just fall from the sky like fairy dust. It can feel like a full time job at times, while at other times like trying to write the perfect piano concerto. At times that level of dedication to seeing one’s Submissive succeed and be fulfilled can feel like attempting to be an Olympic coach who genuinely wants their athlete to attain excellence, so we (the Dom “Coach”) stay extremely focused on the success of the athlete, etc. In light of the drive found in good Dominants everywhere, even the Finest Dominant can get burned out if they push themselves too hard in an attempt to attain said excellence in the sub / slave too fast, or simply because the Dom erroneously thinks they must be “ON at Full Speed” all the time, with no breaks allowed for themselves.
I DO teach that a Dominant MUST push themselves twice as hard as they push their Submissive, but even that can be taken too far. Picture the prodigal child, a genius, who is constantly told by their parents they must achieve-achieve-achieve; it is not uncommon for such a child to burn out. Imagine a Dominant pushing Himself so hard that he does that to Himself.
I teach that even the best, finest, most sincere Doms need to Pace Themselves. In fact the very act of Slowing Down and Taking An Assessment is an awesome choice because you (the Dominant) can assess and consider EVERYTHING – her part, your part, the interplay of the two of you, etc. Then you can discuss what level of pressure actually achieves results in the sub / slave, while at the same time having it be an enjoyable experience for the Dominant to apply that appropriate level of pressure. Sometimes maximum pressure works, sometimes subtle coercion works. Sometimes strictness works, sometimes humor works. This is yet another reason I call the D/s Dance an “alchemical experience,” meaning that what it takes to succeed is something that can change at any time, and a good Dom is ready for this. Slowing down to assess the current curriculum is a good way for the Dominant to see if the latest course of training is working for the two of you… or leading to a burn out.
Rectifying TOP DROP
If your Dom is suffering from Top Drop then my best advice is that you, the submissive, need to kick into high gear in terms of going into a Nurturing Mode for your Dom. Definitely do NOT condescend to Him, but just be there as though he is a world-class athlete back from a big game and just needs that special, personal rejuvenation that a loving partner can give Him.
You (the submissive) can…
- Communicate and make it clear you understand His burn out.
- Get Him to talk to you about how He is feeling – both mentally as well as PHYSICALLY (because Top Drop can have physiological symptoms too like serious fatigue).
- Take a real vacation.
- Get into nature.
- Watch some funny movies together (laughter really IS wonderful medicine).
- Give Him (get Him) a massage.
- Run Him a hot bath.
Yes these are all things you might do anyway to show your adoration of your Dominant / Master, but if you are dealing with Top Drop then it’s far more than just a good idea – it then becomes Medicine Applied. Consider that His inner “Dominant Battery” has completely run out of its charge, and you are helping to recharge Him on the Deepest, Caring Level.
If you are a Dominant reading this right now, keep in mind that no matter who you are and how you perceive yourself, you ARE entitled to the creature comforts described in the above paragraphs, and if your Submissive is not around to implement these then you can ALWAYS treat yourself to any of the above. For decades now, for example, I will occasionally go out of my way to find a quality, affordable massage. I am also an absolute fan of hot baths & hot tubs, and having a good epsom salt soak several times a month.
The long and short is this: Proper, healthy Self-Care for any Dominant is necessary and will ultimately help you be the best Dominant that you can be. 🙂
A Dominant’s return from Top Drop may not happen overnight. However, with diligence from the slave and a good dose of TLC (including Self-Care if you the Dom are by yourself), odds are it won’t take too long either. When a perviously “Top Dropped” Dominant does recover, get back into your roles SLOWLY, adding your favorite protocols one at at a time until you are both at a comfortable level. Once you achieve comfort, then you can slowly build up to your level of preferred intensity.
Key Point – building from a peaceful and happy state is 1000 Times Easier than building from a state of pressure coming from a whining sub / slave who wants their Dominant “back now!”… the latter of which just ends up being self-defeating. Patience is a virtue in both Dominants and Submissives.
One final point for the submissive / slave: In the course of finding out WHY He went into Top Drop, be ready to find out about things you do that stress Him out and learn how to approach any such matters in a less-stressful manner. Be prepared to make changes in YOUR behavior if it means avoiding the things that really burn Him out and cause Him to lose interest in being your Dominant. He may still be fully committed to you and the relationship in general, but – again – being a Fine Dominant is WORK, and it requires a transcendent level of Cooperation from the submissive / slave to keep the D/s Garden healthy.
Maybe it’s something you did, or maybe it’s something you need to change, or maybe it’s just a real snag in your ongoing communication that needs fixing in both directions…. and equally maybe it’s just all about Him trying too hard, wanting to be so good as your Dominant that he has placed far too much pressure on Himself. It does happen. Either way – no matter what – when (and IF) Top Drop does happen, above all approach His recovery with a helpful heart, an open mind, and be ready to do your part to get your D/s Relationship back on track.
— Arcane
Beautiful as always Master 🙂