When A Sub Tries To “Make” A Dom…

A submissive woman wrote me describing how she met a somewhat Dominant man who she was hoping to turn into a more strongly Dominant man. She had tried various attempts to elicit his style to measure up to and match what she feels she needs, yet was starting to come up short on ideas how to proceed further.

She wanted suggestions where she might steer the relationship and advice on how to “make” him more of a Formal Fetish Dominant. My response is aimed at getting her to take — more than anything else — a deep look inside herself.

Enjoy.

The issue here is his own level of natural Dominance vs what you need as a submissive.
It can be extremely hard – almost impossible – to turn a vanilla (completely non-fetish) man into a formal fetish “Dominant,” even if he has dominant tendencies in his daily work. The role of a fetish Dom is far more in-depth as I am sure you have discovered. He must be willing to see his submissive as a rare and beautiful orchid to nurture, someone to place his very direct input and energy into.
If he does not want or cannot take that responsibility, then he will not make a good BDSM / Fetish Dom for you or anyone else.

(Note: Just to answer a side question, it will equally be a VERY hard uphill climb if your man is, in fact, a submissive and is only Dominating you to make you happy but does not have any natural desire to be a Fetish Dominant at all. Sadly, this situations also does not tend to work out either, with the sole exception of when the two people are both Switches — that is both can play both sides, Dom and sub, for each other. Unfortunately, if you are a sincere submissive seeking your Fetish Dom complement, then it is pretty common knowledge that switching is extremely unlikely to fulfill you.)

On the other hand, if you have seen some fetish Dominance in him, then there may be a chance. If he is a fetishist and not a complete vanilla, and he finds at least a moderate degree of BDSM Dominance to fulfill him, then he can certainly learn more. Look at my top friends for the authoress Claudia Varrin – she wrote a couple of books on the subject, one aimed more for submissives and one aimed more for dominants. Hopefully your man can read the book for dominants. You may also find good ideas within her book for submissives. 🙂

If you live in a major metropolis, there is probably some kind of BDSM society there – look into it. If they have classes, take a few classes together and meet other D/s couples. His exposure to these people may make him get a better sense of what the lifestyle is about.

Now on top of all this, you say you are very into “brat play,” a specific style of submissive activity. Make sure he knows this is PLAY, that you do not plan to be a constantly challenging and contentious slave. Make sure he likes to play the opposite – very important for brat play. If the Dom is not into brat play and you are extremely into it then there could be complications when you try to align your fetishes. I would suggest that if this is already a problem area that you set aside your penchant for brat play and explore other kinks you can enjoy together, stuff that fulfills you both.

The most important thing is to build on a solid foundation. Start with areas where you DO overlap. Say you love being tied up and he loves applying the ropes. A good start. You love being taken through minor protocols and D/s moments, and he likes seeing you blossom in submissive serenity. Another good start. He likes using the riding crop but is a beginner, and you like light-to-medium BDSM — always give him Respectful Feedback on what you are experiencing, and respectfully suggest he practice his aim with this or any impact toy on a pillow so you can both get much more out of your play. Once you have a good foundation, then you can start to explore new territory and new areas that might be new and unusual for one or both of you. Be sure to be honest about your experience in any new area like this while you are exploring together.

Now here comes the hardest part:
If you really like this man, then ask yourself — all other areas of your D/s being set upon a good foundation to start — how much you really need that one odd area that is important to you but which he does not like? Can you do without it?

If the answer is that you are enjoying what you DO have with him so much that the one odd area can be let go of — at least for now until you might find a way to re-approach it from a more mutually enjoyable light — then I suggest you pull back from that odd area and put your energy into what IS working. Many times a new Dom or new sub will be so excited about finding someone into ANY of their fetishes that they will push to get the “whole package” right away. Don’t make that mistake — let the areas of mutual enjoyment establish themselves and come first, and then build upon that.

IF on the other hand, you DO need that one odd area (or so) to be genuinely happy, AND your Dom is absolutely just not into it, then you have a tougher decision to make:
Stay in the relationship and just let go of that need and perhaps see that as a sacrifice you are making for the sake of the relationship, OR understand that you may never be truly happy without that element and gently move on in your search to find someone who IS into that one area you need.

Allow me to give an example:
I LOVE bondage. It is in fact the oldest fetish in my bag, having started very young by tying up the neighbor girls when I was 5 years old. Through a series of relationships I realized that my partner at the absolute minimum MUST enjoy being restrained, tied-up, etc. I had at least a few partners I dated who tried bondage but found they did not like it for various reasons – fear, trust issues from their past, dogma telling them that anything past the missionary position was bad, etc (happy to say they were the exception). I knew pretty much instantly that it was just not going to work out, because I am not willing to invest my energy into a woman who cannot find any pleasure in bondage.

Conversely, I also had a few partners who were mildly into bondage and VERY into hardcore BDSM. Having them in my life opened me up to levels of BDSM play that I otherwise may never have explored (for example certain areas of Edge Play). In at least a few cases we both discovered new territory together, building forward from our foundation of D/s Romance and a mutual love of bondage and role-play. In one particular case my slave at the time and I were lucky enough to belong to an awesome BDSM Society where we experienced these intense levels of play at private parties under the watchful eye of those more experienced than us. As we both knew we wanted to learn all we could, we kept an open mind, separated what turned us on versus what did not (even if it turned others on), and the two of us got closer and closer. 🙂

These can be hard questions to ask yourself, and you must look deep inside to see what you are willing to sacrifice, what you are willing to slow down on, what you can live without if the relationship is otherwise amazing, and what you cannot live without. It very much comes down to knowing yourself. Take a while and meditate on these.

As far as his BDSM education goes, the most important thing I hear from what you’ve written is that he does have at least some genuine BDSM / Fetish Dominance in him, which is great and only makes him a beginner. As a beginner there are WORLDS for him to learn, and they are almost universally a lot of fun! 😀

Remember this: There are HUNDREDS of ways to play within the BDSM universe – all levels, all kinds of different toys, different ways to use your mind…. so much that someone could write a treatise just trying to catalog it all! It’s like a massive smorgasbord – you and he will probably like some things more than others as per your personal tastes. Chances are you will both like several things in common, hopefully many. Your job may be only to help in exposing him to new ideas. Appreciate each other’s tastes, notice where they differ, focus on where they overlap.

If you feel this is a good relationship then you will need to be patient and understanding as he perfects his own Art within BDSM and discovers his own style as a Dom. Give him Respectful Feedback. Suggest and / or help him establish a few mini-rituals between the two of you that are tiny but even in their minuteness contain the two-way expression of your choice to be in a D/s relationship with each other.

From the sound of it you two are making progress. Don’t push too hard or two fast – he is the Dominant. Allow him to explore at his own pace. Instead of pushing too hard, make it all FUN for him to explore. Use your imagination. 🙂

Best of Luck,
— Arcane