Who Decides The Limits Of Submission?

A new submissive inquired recently as to how well she should be going along with her Master’s plans and designs when they seemed at times to be at odds with her normal way of doing things. It appeared to me that she had not yet clarified with her Master where the line was drawn as to what constitutes proper submission versus her own expectations from a slight vanilla perspective. In my answer to her I shed some light on understanding the basic obligations of submission which should be joyful, and how when you are new to submission how you need to define both where your limits are as well as what style of D/s Relationship suits you personally.

Enjoy.


Hello Sir, my question is about submission. I’m currently involved with a Dom who is interested in collaring me but our opinions of what submission/collaring are varies a lot. I feel like submission and collaring are something a D/s share equally. I mean that even though I’m submitting, I’m doing it in ways that are pleasing to me as well as him. That turn me on. He thinks that if I’m going to submit and be collared, I should be ready to do whatever he wants whenever he wants whether I like it or not and that is the true meaning of being collared and submissive. He even enjoys making me do things he knows I don’t want to do and thinks if I was truly submissive I’d enjoy that too- being forced. He thinks that if I say I don’t feel like having sex or being smacked around or degraded whenever he wants that I am not worthy of a collar. That sounds more like doormat to me. Am I just not truly submissive like he says? Do I need to just give in and let him tell me what I need to do when I need to do it all the time in order to be collared? Am I not getting it, or is he?

Dear “Submitting,”

This is a fairly common problem that comes up quite often and the answer includes knowing yourself and your limits, knowing the Dom’s style, and keeping aware of the reality of mutual respect.

There ARE some slaves who would be fine with the edicts handed down by your Dom, there are others who would say absolutely not, and there are those in between. One of the most common fantasy MISconceptions of new submissives is that submission is all about the slave having a lovely great time doing the things they want to do to “serve” the Dom. Although any motivation that elicits a desire to serve your Dom is respectable, it is absolutely the case in the Real World Of D/s that a slave is often given commands that may not be her first choice of action. It doesn’t have to be anything over-the-top either. Your Dom might say that he needs His shirts ironed by 2:30 pm which is right in the middle of when your favorite TV show is on. A vanilla partner might argue and say, “I’ll do it during the commercials,” while a collared slave may have no such option. Think about the word “submission” – to submit, to give away power and control to someone else. There is a difference between a Bottom, who loves the physical sensations of being on the receiving end of the Toys, and a submissive, who is mentally and emotionally fulfilled by Giving Up Control to one she trusts. What do you desire? To have fun games where he uses toys on you and then just get on with controlling your own life (i.e. Bottom), or do you want to be controlled….molded….shaped….instructed….commanded…. by One Man you call your Dom (i.e. submit)?

An equally important questions is HOW OFTEN do you want this activity? A Collar-On slave is someone who is only in the submissive role when the collar is literally (or symbolically) on her neck, i.e. for a night, for a weekend, etc, but NOT 24/7. Some Doms perceive the act of COLLARING as separate from Collar-On relationships; that to give a slave her own Collar, to Collar her and claim her as His slave, is to enter into a 24/7 relationship or something approaching that level of continuous control and Domination. Thus if you are thinking Collar-On and he is thinking 24/7 then you do not want the same things and you will need to re-negotiate something that is going to work for both of you. Some couples who are new to Hardcore 24/7 D/s will start with a Collar-On and work their way up to 24/7. Personally I find that I prefer to enter into 24/7 settings for short durations at first (i.e. 2 weeks) to test the water with a new slave, and then build upon the success of that experience with progressively longer immersions into 24/7 – months, years.

An important aspect of Dom-sub Compatibility depends on the Hard Limits of the slave as compared to the Hard Limits of the Dom. A Hard Limit is something that you either absolutely cannot live without, or something you absolutely will never be interested in (as opposed to a Soft Limit which means you are not into it NOW, but as trust builds you might be interested later). The important thing is that mutual respect is maintained all-around. If you choose to submit to the level your Dom describes, do you feel it can be done in a manner where He is still able to respect your Slave Heart? A Dom can be exceptionally strict while still respecting the slave’s nature. To me that is part of the beauty and part of the D/s Dance. When a Dom uses their power over the slave to engage in acts that disrespect her Nature (i.e. take negative advantage of her submissive soul and / or maltreat the covenant of Owner and Pet-Property context) then He is doing a disservice to both himself and the slave. His goal is for the slave to flourish else He would not be collaring her and taking on that RESPONSIBILITY. Equally if he is too relaxed or allows the slave to shirk her duties he will not be measuring up to His own potential, and again doing both the slave and Himself a disservice. Numerous are the sad tales of the overly-relaxed Dom and the unfulfilled slave without a regimen.

The answer as is usually the case is via Communication. It is very easy to say, “a collared slave obeys without question,” but perhaps he can give you a better idea of where the extremes are in this regard. He mentions sexual availability, a very common element in D/s, and even more common in Ownership / slavehood. Does that offend you personally, and if so does he know you are not inclined in that particular direction? Did He literally say, “smacked around,” or are you paraphrasing? A Dom does not “smack around” a slave, however He might call a slave over for some random BDSM activity because it pleases Him, i.e. “come here and bend yourself over my knee for a spanking.” A slave is not a punching bag upon which to vent the Doms ire. She can however be His BDSM toy – there is a Difference. That said, when it comes to BDSM in general, Do You Know Your Limits? STATE THEM! Be up front. And be sure to communicate if you think a limit may change as time goes on (Soft Limit), i.e. “I am afraid of canes now but I would like to eventually try a light caning session.”

CLICK HERE for more information on IDENTIFYING YOUR LIMITS .

The last element to consider is in regards to “degrading.” Degradation is a form of Humiliation play, and again while some people float blissfully in this kind of play, others definitely do not. Where do your own proclivities lay? Most importantly, have you communicated this to your Dom? Degradation play is best served to those who genuinely get off on that kind of play. Otherwise it is often way too emotionally intense for someone not inclined to that kind of play. Still other times a tiny amount of Humiliation play can be fun in the right context, i.e. being commanded to act goofy in front of your BDSM peers.

Better to get all this aired now before the collaring occurs. You can even ask (note I said “ask” – I did NOT say “demand” as that would be inappropriate) for a written Slave Contract or the like that states what will be expected of you and that also acknowledges your limits. Yes it is just a piece of paper, but having an agreement like that in writing adds power to the covenant of Being Collared itself, and in my opinion both helps to avoid conflict while simultaneously Raising The Potential Quality Of the D/s Experience.

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