In a previous lesson, “Dispelling Nonsense in the D/s Community,” I explained the problem known as “Dom-Disease.” In this lesson, I would like to share how I dealt with someone who had Dom-Disease as an example of how you can proceed if you ever encounter someone like this. If you are unfamiliar with Dom-Disease I highly recommend reading that lesson first.
CLICK HERE to read “Dispelling Nonsense in the D/s Community.”
A relative stranger I met in a discussion forum, who claimed to be “a slave through and through” although I can safely say I did not pickup the slightest submissive vibe from her, chose to take major umbrage with the way I enjoy defining my “Alpha Slave.” She insisted that her definition was “The One Twue Way” and claimed she was an expert on the “Absolute Traditions,” yet when I asked for her source she could not name a single origin for her claims. She later modified this by telling me her source was her mentor who “was born into the lifestyle” and said I could ask them and she would make the introduction. I replied that I would enjoy speaking with them as I would love to learn something new at which point, her bluff having been called, she informed me they were permanently unavailable. In other words, her notions were all just her Style, but she wanted to teach others that it was some kind of “Handed Down From On-High Absolute Truth!!,” which it most clearly was not.
What makes this case stand out was how she was wholeheartedly on the side of Nonsense, yet she desired to be a leader on the topic of BDSM amongst her peers. In my polite letter to her I explore the concepts described in the lesson “Dispelling Nonsense in the D/s Community,” in greater detail. My goal – and the reason I am providing this example – is two fold:
1 – to show you how to politely deal with Dom-Disease,
2 – to show you how to open others to the wonderful Variety and Possibilities we have at our fingertips when we set aside the Nonsense.
You can read about my usage of “Alpha Slave” here: The Meaning Of Alpha Slave
(*My letter to the person described*)
Saying “These are traditions because we say so” is not exactly logic nor a foundation for sensible teaching. Saying “it’s a tradition that my Master learned from his Mentor” IS a valid argument, but that use of the word “Tradition” only goes back a few generations and it’s a completely Personal Style Choice, far far from any kind of universal or global Tradition.
A BDSM Tradition that is intended to represent a “community-wide” ideal would have to show up in many places around the globe, and its roots would be traceable to at least a time period when it began. For example, while I am not a Gorean, if you speak with someone who describes themselves as Gorean you’ll hear a tendency to be quite certain that they are “following Gorean tradition.” However, “Gorean tradition” in all cases means only as far back as the first person who decided to read the Gor books by John Norman, which were published in 1966. Only after 1966 was it possible to even decide those fictional books were going to be a basis for a D/s Style. Implying that “Gorean traditions” go back any further than 1966 is logically absurd, so stating that something from Gor is somehow a universal or global tradition would be an instant fallacy. Yes I have met a few who tried to pass off Gor in this manner. I am happy to say most Goreans do not do so, and instead respect the specificity of the 1966 origin.
I am happy that you had mentors who claim they were “born into the Lifestyle.” That sounds nice. But my personal experience of anyone who has ever made that claim of being “born into the Lifestyle” is that they are grossly embellishing a simple analogy that they felt inclined to explore BDSM since they were young (a perfectly reasonable assessment), and absolutely NOT that they came from an actual BDSM related-by-blood family. I have known exactly ONE exception to this rule – literally One Person of the thousands I have met in the global BDSM Community – who’s parents were very much into BDSM and who were less-than-stellar at hiding it. When that person turned 18 they started asking their parents about BDSM and the parents taught their offspring a few good BDSM ideals and essentials. Thus, one person checked out….amongst all who have made this claim. I am not saying your sources are lying to you, just that you will understand my skepticism when I hear that statement, “born into the Lifestyle” when used with the intention of making it seem like the person was magically born into an actual “BDSM tribe” and thereafter use that statement as an excuse to perpetuate nonsense.
Conversely, an example of a genuine and very sound Tradition is the simple use of “Safewords,” found universally across the world in BDSM Communities as a simple standard. Still, to imply this is a literal “Tradition” and not just a really, really Sound Idea, means one should be able to trace it back to a Historical Source. Since there is no easily found source for a start date on Safewords, one can probably assume it was concurrent with Modern Consensual BDSM. Ergo, I doubt the actual Spanish Inquisition had Safewords. Therefore, the reasonable statement would be, “Safewords are a global tradition in the MODERN world of Consensual BDSM,” meaning they have probably been around for a good 60+ years at least.
In short, saying that you have your “Personal Traditions” – meaning as taught to you by someone who was taught the same – IS a valid statement. However, to claim that your opinions are “Universal Traditions” is a false statement unless they are based in actual global history, or an historic event, other than just your own personal circle. To claim a Universal it must be verifiable and traceable, anecdotally at the very least, by countless people admitting adherence around the world.
Your hatred of how others may use the term “Alpha Slave” in ways that differ from your usage within your Style of D/s is only specific to your opinion and what you have been taught by your mentor. Conversely, when used to describe Your Style of D/s then it becomes a perfectly sound statement to make… For Yourself. But to condemn other definitions while telling others yours is a global, universal “Tradition” is an absolute falsehood. To simultaneously cram your extremely microcosmic definition of “acceptable terminology to express one’s D/s Style” into a tiny little box while you shun the plethora of legitimate alternatives available is, in my opinion, counter-productive and even self-limiting. Absolutely it remains your choice to maintain that limitation as a fulfilling part of your own preferred Style of D/s, but it is lightyears from any kind of Universal.
Listen, I am 100% supportive of people having their own way of expressing BDSM and D/s as long as it comes from a mutually enjoyable, 100% consensual basis. How intense people play is up to them given they had a good initial negotiation with stated limits, that they mutually agree to whatever is going on, and that they have safety protocols in place (especially amongst the more hardcore folk). SSC, RACK… take your pick. Edge Play…. great just make sure you are both Edge Players. CNC…. sure as long as it comes from an ethical basis and has been agreed upon in the initial negotiation. Etc.
I am all about helping people attain Long-Lasting D/s Relationships and learning skilled BDSM techniques. I too had “traditions” handed down to me, but I also questioned and researched how much these were genuine and where these “traditions” came from. Eventually I traced at least a portion back to 18th century Northwestern Europe for example. For others of these so-called “traditions” I could not find an origin, but I chose to keep these as practices anyway (and stopped worrying about how old or how traditional they were) because I simply liked the given practice as a STYLISTIC Element of the BDSM and D/s which myself and my partner/s enjoyed.
STYLE – that is a word that fits here in many, many ways.
Regarding your condemnation of TNG (The Next Generation – typically describing 35’s and under)….
TNG is certainly NOT one style – it’s a mish-mash, and I can understand why you are not fond of some of the silliness that comes from the occasional, short-sighted, egotistical corners of TNG. I myself have seen TNG “politically correct” nonsense get WAAYYY out of control, claiming all manner of personal preferences as Universals themselves, sometimes in highly destructive ways you would not believe. At other times I have witnessed the creation of ridiculous rumors that come from these newcomers when they try to claim Universals born of flat-out ignorance like “All Submissives are Brats” – UGH!
Nonetheless, labeling TNG in general as “all bad” is incredibly alienating to perfectly well-meaning young folk who might sincerely want to learn a more evolved and refined BDSM or D/s style. If you have a problem with someone spouting a specific piece of nonsense, then I suggest addressing the specific grievance. Shy away from gross over-generalizations about entire, meaningful portions of the global BDSM community. I also highly recommend you shy away from using the term itself, “TNG,” as a pejorative like you have been doing, as calling someone an “asshole” does NOT tend to make them want to be your student. You stand to turn off a whole generation, or two, of potentially well-meaning folk looking your way for sound BDSM education.
My students are of all ages, from 20-70, and I teach them simple, good habits…. start slow, learn excellent communication skills, practice practice practice, de-brief with each other, aftercare, etc. I provide a host of learning materials if they wish to learn The Crow Academy STYLE of Romantic D/s. Plainly and simply, I emphasize that the very best D/s goes hand in hand with elements of mutual respect, an attitude of appreciation for each other, and personal responsibility. This in no way affects the STRICTNESS nor how hardcore the BDSM will get between the two, but rather that D/s IS a Relationship, and needs to be successfully managed like any other Relationship. Responsible Education is what TNG needs, not condemnation.
But again, back to my salient point – What I do at The Crow Academy is my STYLE.
It is not necessarily the Style of anyone else. The Crow Academy is a DOOR that I leave open for people who feel so inclined to explore our Romantic Style of BDSM. Styles of BDSM can be old, they can be new, they can be evolving, and they can be established. Any given Style of BDSM can draw upon Traditions, or they can create new Stylistic Elements. A good Style will have borrowed from the best of that which has gone before, and through flat-out Trial & Error separate what works from what does not. The fallacy comes when an evolving Style clearly sees that a practice never works the way it was intended, yet the practitioner refuses to “update” and modify the practice, making it impossible for the failed practice to ever become functional. Success in this regard is simply being truly utilitarian in one’s BDSM and D/s, and staying cognizant of the genuine usefulness of a specific technique or element to keep one’s practices Relevant within the modern world.
Note that this is No Way means adopting nonsensical practices just because everyone else “is doing it.” A perfect example is the use of the written terms “D-Type” and “S-Type,” an utterly contemporary convention which I personally find extremely distasteful. I am a Dominant, I am not a “D-Type.” My slave is a Submissive, not an “S-Type.” I get it that the originators of this idea wanted to be more inclusive, but like your own sentiment there is a line where inclusion departs from sensibility and instead becomes pandering nonsense. It becomes a dilution of a well-refined, well-defined, personally appreciated element. Since the usage of “Dominant” and “Submissive” in private BDSM circles can be traced back to at least 18th Century Northwestern European Aristocracy, you can call THAT a Tradition, and it is a Tradition that I uphold and support. Even then I certainly cannot insist that everyone see the modern convention of “D-type” and “S-type” as abhorrent. In my own school, The Crow Academy, we absolutely do not ever use those terms. But that’s as far as it extends. If someone who is not a part of The Crow Academy uses those terms that is their choice. If they ask why I never use those terms I am happy to share my thoughts, and then let them make their own decision.
Much of what you wrote about I could either argue from the perspective of you claiming “Universals” OR I could happily agree with you in that you are simply stating the elements of the STYLE of D/s that you and yours practice. You tend to write using grammar of the former (universals & generalizations), and that is where the holes in your premise appear. In my own mind I translate your words to mean your own preferred Style to see it better through your eyes. I believe that you and yours would benefit tremendously by reappraising your practices as Stylistic Elements, and open your world and your repertoire wider by doing so.
A statement like the one you made wherein you said, “There are Masters, Dominants, submissives, slaves, and switches; nothing more, nothing less,” shows me that is how you choose to see the available roles, but certainly this is FAR from being any sort of Universal. There are also Mistresses, Madams, Pets, Owners, DD/lg, etc, all of which are personal choices and legitimate variations… given sound D/s as a backbone. A statement like the one you made sounds like you come from the belief that women cannot be Dominants, a notion that is just plain silly. Being a DOMINANT is devoid of gender. It is a D/s role, not a definition by way of genitalia in any direction. Some of my greatest education in the world of BDSM happened at various events in Europe where I saw it ALL – every imaginable definition of Kink by every imaginable gender variation. It was mind-blowing, like the Cantina in Star Wars full of strange and bizarre aliens, each one doing something kinkier than the next. From epically devoted hardcore Masters & Mistresses & their slaves, through to BDSM Edge Play that would shock most people…. sometimes even performing on stage in front of thousands! It was a crazy and wonderful time, and it was before the term “TNG” even existed. It was simply a Spectrum of all the ways people could involve Kink in their lives, as practiced and Seriously Enjoyed by pretty much any and every gender combination you can imagine.
I will admit that I personally hold the “Traditional” roles of Dominant and Submissive in the highest regard, and I teach couples seeking to explore a D/s Relationship to start on a Foundation of D/s and NOT a foundation of one of the sub-definitions, like DD/lg or Owner/Pet. The reason is that I have found that establishing sound rules of D/s behavior FIRST creates a great basis to shape anything else thereafter. Become Dominant & Submissive FIRST, and then take a night and explore the subset, specific Kink or Fetish of DD/lg or Pet Play or what have you. Through good old Trial & Error, I have watched clients again and again resolve MANY problems with this formula – Good D/s Foundations First – after they came to me wondering why their “all DD/lg” or “all Pet Play” relationships were not going well. Trial & Error for the win (provided you learn from your mistakes).
That is by the way, how actual Sound Traditions get created – lots and lots of Trial & Error. Traditions get REFINED and updated throughout history when a gross inconsistency is discovered and rectified. That is how Traditions stay Relevant. Any given reasonable, core, time tested tradition can stay essentially the same until it comes up against a change in society or a change in the world that requires it to either adapt or else become irrelevant. This does NOT mean that it has to change every time someone has a differing opinion, but rather relates to those much more salient moments when truly it becomes “the immovable object meeting the unstoppable force”… those rare moments when the “tradition” needs to either adapt or evaporate.
Again, I want to be clear that I see nothing wrong with being tired of the attempts by newcomers, novices and neophytes trying to co-opt BDSM to their diluted and self-serving political agenda and then claiming “this is The One Twue Way!” I am sure we both roll our eyes at these same instances. At the end of the day we can speak to these people and attempt to teach a more sound approach, or we can ignore them. Even if we embrace them, it is likely that we will maintain our own Style. Nonetheless, I would hope that in the event that an actual moment of brilliance shows up in the course of one of these newcomers discovering something we never thought about, that we ourselves would be open-minded enough to be be able to appreciate that brilliance. 🙂
An Evolved Style of BDSM should IMHO remain flexible…. established and codified to be sure, adhered to with all sincerity by both sides to be sure, but also open-minded enough to be able to say, “Hey, I never thought of that – that is a great idea! – I think I am going to incorporate that into my D/s Style.”
Case-in-point: I know plenty of TNG kinksters who come up with brilliant variations on common BDSM ideas. I consider it my privilege to be able to learn their ideas, try them out, and if they work well for me then adapt / modify / improve my own Style of D/s or BDSM. There is ALWAYS something new to learn – ALWAYS – and you never know from where that next lesson will come. Own your Style… but also stay open-minded.
I am not invalidating you – I believe that you learned some of your ideas and the concurrent terminology from a source that is perfectly valid for you, and you feel that said terminology fits with your BDSM Style. What I cannot agree with are broad, over-generalized statements that paint your Style as though your claims are universal or a factoid from Global Scene History, or which they are neither. That said, I am happy to be corrected if Actual Verifiable Sources are provided.
(Editor’s Note – verifiable sources were never provided, and in fact the request for such was first offered, as a bluff, and then righteously rejected by the person in question when the bluff was called.)
On a related note, I cannot support your extremely judgmental and fundamentally negative notions that condemn a loving D/s dynamic. I personally believe and practice that the within a well-balanced D/s Dynamic the submissive is one to be loved and cherished. The utterly 2-dimensional, self-destructive idea that a slave is someone who “has no rights,” or the idea that a submissive has no say in at least the Initial Negotiation, or the premise that a submissive should not be allowed to state limits in an Initial Negotiation, or that a submissive should constantly be pushed down into submission forcibly… well all of that is a crock of shit. It does not work, and people who push these nonsense ideas are notorious for failed relationships. Armchair “experts” full of bizarre theories that do not play out in the Real World of D/s Relationships.
For you to say, “it’s this way for everyone because I believe it to be this way and therefore you must believe it too,” without proof, science, research, or any other way to verify the statement sounds like the words of closed-minded, fundamentalist fanatics and we all know where that goes. Conversely, saying, “It’s this way because that is how we practice it and it is our chosen Style,” is a vastly more honest and a much more appreciable statement. The former causes near-immediate questioning of your leadership, while the latter makes your position dramatically more respectable.
I am an eternal student and love to learn about the variations in the Lifestyle. This is, as I mentioned, how I upgrade my own understanding and appreciation of the incredible world of BDSM. I can tell you from decades of doing this that the more I open my discerning mind to the value and variety that can be found in the vast and wonderful BDSM Universe, the more it has been my pleasure to pick and choose any number of elements to make my own experiences better and better. Not every notion fits with my Style, nor does every proclamation of truth bear out under investigation.
What counts is that I remain open to balanced, well-thought-out improvements to the experience of BDSM and D/s when they arise. It has been my personal bliss to observe the clever differences in the Style and Technique of others, and to engage in deep discussions with peers whose BDSM Styles might be wholly different from my own. I can whole-heartedly recommend the benefits of this openness.
Peace.
— Arcane
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