I recently had an interesting discussion with a gentleman who felt that his practice of BDSM was somehow intertwined with his mainstream religion, and used his beliefs to conclude that Male Dominance was somehow “the right of every man” both in the Kink world as well as in the Vanilla world. To put it very directly, we here at The Crow Academy do NOT agree. The role a Man or Woman chooses in the Fetish Wonderland of BDSM has no bearing on what they do with their Vanilla, everyday life, and certainly not all men will make a Good Fetish Dominant.
(We previously addressed this latter fact in the lesson entitled, “Can a Fine Dom be Made of Only Born As One? Part 2 – Not Everyone Is a Dom.”)
Dominance is a SKILL, an Art, and it has to be nurtured and perfected to result in the ability to produce brightness and beauty in the lives of the two people involved. Someone intending to be a Fine Dominant must also cultivate certain Character Qualities, which you can read about in various lessons here on Arcane Advice. There is no grand authority that magically qualifies someone as a Kinky Dominant just because someone says they are one. At the very minimum, a Fine Fetish Dominant MUST accept Full Responsibility for the well-being of their Submissive.
The gentleman in question also suggested that because his mainstream religion strongly tended towards a patriarchal slant, that “feminism” was somehow against BDSM, another skewed principle with which we at The Crow Academy vehemently do NOT agree. This latter and highly erroneous suggestion, that modern feminism is somehow against BDSM, is more commonly seen mainly from those who feel feminism is somehow threatening, or that it will encroach on their rights to enjoy BDSM as a Male Dominant. Sadly, these folk tend to feel this way because they often adhere to outdated, Vanilla gender-role conflicts in the mundane world which have historically attempted to strip away fairness and equality from women.
In the lesson below I will explain how one can happily be a Male Dominant AND be fully supportive of Modern, Third-Wave Feminism here in the modern world.
The two concept are able to get along just fine, and no man should feel threatened by a world that seeks fairness and equality for women – and everyone in fact – from a Vanilla, egalitarian, grounded everyday perspective. Equality and fairness in the Vanilla / mundane world is a global virtue. Seeking to be an excellent BDSM Dominant is a personal virtue. You absolutely can support and embrace both.
Enjoy.
Let me begin by saying that at The Crow Academy we do not personally attach any organized religion whatsoever to BDSM nor D/s as we teach it. Can BDSM produce “spiritual states?” Yes. Can BDSM get someone into a “trance?” Again the answer is Yes. However, I look at these questions from the scientific perspective of Endorphin Release (mostly dopamine but also serotonin), and the emotional bonding of the Two People involved (which fyi is concurrent with oxytocin release, another endorphin). I celebrate couples who achieve any kind of “spiritual experience” together from BDSM, but I do not in any way consider that the experience is necessarily the product of any organized, mainstream religion. Even if two participants are deeply religious, it is still a matter that correlation is not causation, and that there is much more to be gained by acknowledging that their mutual bliss was personally created by the two of them together in their loving BDSM practices. This means effectively acknowledging the passion and effort brought to the table by each other. It means truly embracing the gift – Dominance or Submission – that each one personally brings.
Navigating the world of Social Desire (i.e. attempting to find a suitable partner for sensual-sexual interactions and hopefully finding a quality relationship) has historically been very complicated. Some people are naturally good at navigating this arena and seem to have an easy time finding partners, while others often have the feeling of an uphill battle. To counteract the latter, feelings of excessive difficulty, there are men out there who instead of seeking to improve themselves will instead advocate that if a man is unsuccessful in the world of dating it must be because of some fault of the female.
We at The Crow Academy do not accept this extra-punitive premise, and in fact find it wholly destructive not to mention intensely self-limiting for the man himself.
When one looks inside the world of Psychobiology, one finds both a wealth of data and observations regarding Social Desire, as well as something of a simple roadmap to elucidate the readily apparent factors of why some people are more successful at finding partners. My own explorations of psychobiology were profound to say the least, and shed some incredible light onto the grand workings of modern society vis-a-vis our caveman ancestors and our mammalian gears that are still turning and motivating us from behind the veil (and if this topic interests you, I recommend you investigate the world of Psychobiology). The bottom line is that if one is not doing well in the arena of Social Desire, then one needs to work on improving themself, thereby making oneself more attractive to the kind of partner one is seeking. There is no fault to be assigned – that is just negative thinking and denial of the work that one needs to do on oneself. On the other hand, embracing the personal duty of self-improvement allows the same person to absolutely – even mathematically – improve their odds within the arena of Social Desire. Note that “improving oneself” can be almost anything — a skill obtained, better health or fitness, improved grooming, better self-care, learning a new social skill, practicing a new art form, etc, etc, etc.
The Independent Man and Iron John
I “get it” that some men feel that a “Male Kinky Dominant” should be independent and not need anyone, however this goes somewhat against The Crow Academy principle of D/s as a Ballroom Dance requiring “two to tango.” Some men then mistakenly use this idea of utter independence to create a distorted perspective that in general views women as inferior…. a flat-out fallacy. My own real life experience has shown me that, while a positive and reality-based perception of “independence” might be esteem-boosting to a Dominant who has no submissive (so there is no actual D/s Dance occurring), the lack of a Submissive partner means the self-definition of being “a Dominant” is merely a feedback loop in one’s own mind, a self-description used to create a sense of identity. If there is any value to be found within this self-description, it will only be obtained by understanding that this is a good opportunity for self-examination and self-improvement. It is NOT a reason to condemn others or suggest others as inferior, and doing so only short-circuits the man’s opportunity of an improved future. As long as the reality that this is just an identity-boosting thought is acknowledged within the self-proclaimed Dominant then that’s ok…. provided that the solo, self-proclaimed Dominant is Working On Themselves to be a better person and ultimately a Fine Leader for their future Submissive. That way when they do find their Submissive they can bring the Gift of Fine Domination to the table and to The Dance that requires Two People. No Ballroom Dance is performed by one person alone, and both people should be at their personal best for the finest Dance.
For MUCH more about The Ballroom Dance of the Dominant and the Submissive, CLICK HERE.
Now to step onto a brief tangent, it also seems like the self-improving idea of the “empowered solitary Dominant,” seen with a positive attitude, overlaps the “Iron John” movement of the 70’s and 80’s. The Iron John Movement (from the book of the same name) was an effort to get Men to come to terms with what it means to be strong and powerful while at the same time being spiritual, caring, sensitive, helpful and loving. Iron John weekend-long experiences and retreats were made up entirely of men who felt extremely limited by the misogynistic attitudes and stifling sex-role biases of their predecessors, but who also were not interested in becoming excessively “soft” or “unmanly.” These men who sought out Iron John workshops wanted to still “feel like men” but they also wanted to be open to loving, evolved relationships, and able to appreciate women in the best possible way. Speaking purely for the Male Dominant / female submissive dynamic, this Iron John type is the kind of Man who potentially makes for a very good “Lead” (the Dominant position) in the Ballroom Dance.
I must add that by no means does being a strong, well-balanced, and centered Man automatically make someone a Kinky BDSM Dominant. In fact, no matter how much one finds personal balance, self-esteem, emotional fulfillment, and the ability to be both strong and sensitive in one’s daily Vanilla / mundane life, it really might have Nothing At All to do with how a Man’s kinky nature manifests. Many are the Men who fit this strong and assured “Iron John” description in their Vanilla lives who step through to the Kinky side of The Looking Glass to enter into the world of Male Submission as their own vehicle to personal fulfillment, a choice just as valid and respectable for them as is one’s choice to be Dominant. Given SSC / RACK, the variety of ways to express Healthy Kink is vast and that variety is a wonderful thing! 🙂
Another way to think about the Male Dominant being defined by the existence of their Submissive is that being “super-masculine” or being “ultra-dominant” IS the effective “tree falling in the forest,” and if no one / nothing is around to hear it, then NO it did NOT make the proverbial sound (fyi, the scientific definition of “Sound” says that a Sound must have an Emitter, a Carrier, and necessarily a Receiver… to be considered Sound). Someone self-proclaiming “I am a Dominant” can certainly be a Path in which they are obligating themselves to improve and become talented at that role, but their “Falling Tree” still needs that Receiver – the Submissive – or there is “no Sound,” no Dance, no grounding point for their Dominance. Nonetheless, a self-proclaimed Dominant who DOES work on themself and improve themself so they can be ready and At Their Best when the right Dance parter (Submissive) comes along…. well that is certainly a superb and healthy way to approach one’s time being Single. 🙂
As for being “fulfilled in oneself” – that is a healthy goal for BOTH parties, the Dominant AND the Submissive. In fact in the section entitled “Traps” in my book, “Igniting The Fire: The Art of Romantic Submission,” I address the outdated and thoroughly disproven notion that a slave must find her happiness purely in their Master, which we at The Crow Academy consider a recipe for disaster because you have one person providing happiness, and the other just sucks it up and ends up draining the D/s Garden of vitality. I emphasize that a healthy submissive MUST do their own, daily, diligent work to be a Whole And Happy Person Unto Themself, and that is when their own happiness will seriously nurture the D/s Garden that the two of them share. The same goes for the Dominant, who equally must work to be a Whole And Happy Person Unto Themself.
Addressing Modern Feminism Specifically
To be as fair as possible on this and show you that I am NOT just advocating some partisan dogma, I am going to start by pointing out an example of a fringe, Second-Wave Feminism ideology with which I do not agree – explaining why of course – but then I am going to tell you why this does not stop me from being absolutely happy to support the bulk of modern, Third-Wave Feminism. To anyone reading this who feels dogmatically that either you must be 100% feminist and agree with every single thing branded as “feminism” or else you are 2-dimensionally pigeon-holed as anti-feminist, I absolutely do not agree with that perspective and I will give a clear example why in a moment. The short version is that we are not a perfect race of beings, and despite the best intentions most ideologies in the world could use improvement to be even more fair and more reasonable.
I will also add that conversely to anyone reading this who thinks that in the everyday, Vanilla world women are lesser beings and should not have Equal Rights…. I vehemently do not agree with you either. Quick point: Daphne is my slave in our personal world, AND she is a wonderfully strong-willed, intelligent, creative and amazing person in her career and how she manifests in her day-to-day Vanilla life. While she is 100% subservient to me, she is a role model and symbol of strength to her female associates, friends and family. There is nothing “lesser” about her.
Feminism has had quite a few incarnations since the 1960’s. Many of these incarnations felt like huge strides forward in Equality and Rights. However, occasionally a minor expression felt more like the voices of a subset of the dispossessed, a far fringe of the population and fringe of the modern feminism movement. Let me quickly make it clear that what I am about to teach you has come from many discussions I have had with my two sisters, my mother, my many female friends, and my lovers past and present…. all women who I will stand up for and protect their Right To Be Treated Equally in their Daily, Vanilla Careers and Life.
Back to my main point, the fringe ideology mentioned above with which I do not agree are the segments who put forth ideas like (and this really happened fyi), “comic-books should only be drawn with women who have realistic bodies.” Yes comic-books, with all their wild, over-the-top, exaggerated imagery on every panel. This actual, fringe Second-Wave Feminism movement circulated in the early-2010’s, and it was flat-out calling for Censorship…. make no mistake about it. This fringe movement with its rallying cry of “it’s all about feminism,” wanted to control and condemn Art. There was NOTHING said about the ridiculous bodies of the men as seen in the same comic-books, so clearly it was NOT about Equally Being Portrayed Fairly. It was meant to Force The Hands Of Artists, to tell them what they could Create and what they could Draw. A very close associate of mine (fyi, a super-intelligent, incredibly strong-will-powered woman who has earned my genuine respect and who absolutely supports the bulk of feminism) happened to have worked in a museum for more than two decades, so I asked her what she thought about this fringe idea of censoring comic artists. I asked her to tell me about previous civilizations and cultures who started to tell their Artists What They Could Paint or Draw. Her answer was disturbingly simple, “They were all fascist or totalitarian regimes.” So to that particular fringe wanting to Censor Art in the name of “feminism”…. I Just Said No.
Nonetheless – and here is my Main Point – a fringe element like this in no way discounts the Good that the bulk of Modern Feminism is doing.
Equality, Human Rights, and The Guarantee Of Kink
Now, lets look more directly at the bulk of modern, Third-Wave Feminism and one simple idea: Equality.
As mentioned I have two sisters and numerous female friends, and I will be damned if they are going to get paid less for the exact same work as a man, or get passed over for a promotion when they are in fact more talented than the man who got the promotion. I expect my sisters and female friends to be treated with the same respect and fairness as any man in the workplace. I expect my sisters and friends to be able to enjoy the same freedom of movement and freedom from being hassled as any man walking down the street. And guess what? These are not just Women’s Rights….. These are HUMAN RIGHTS. These are the rights of Everyone, Everywhere.
So before anyone goes condemning feminism as a whole, consider two things:
1) Like my example of censoring comic artists above, are you sure you are not upset over just one lone argument with which you disagree? If so then address the lone argument. You might even find that the person on the other end has not even considered their own argument, or has come from a skewed perception themselves. But do not condemn all of feminism – and Equal Rights – because one chat group banned you for disagreeing. And the reason for this is….
2) Consider every single woman in your life currently or in the past with which you have had a positive relationship. Sisters, Nieces, Mothers, Friends, etc. Wouldn’t you agree that you want them to be given the same opportunities for happiness and success as everyone else? Wouldn’t you agree that they should be treated Fairly, and have themselves evaluated on Merit and Genuine Capability? Wouldn’t you agree that absolutely they – and We All – should feel like the world around is Safe and that anyone can easily live their lives on a path to lasting happiness?
I believe we will, in our lifetime, see an amazing conclusion to a vast majority of misogynistic patriarchies. I also believe that on the Kinky Wonderland side of The Looking Glass, BDSM and D/s couples of a Male Dominant / Female Submissive nature will easily be able to THRIVE because Balanced D/s is NOT actually against anyone living a Happy, Fair, and Fulfilling Vanilla Life. Quite the opposite, BECAUSE we in the BDSM world embrace Consent so dearly, we are the Living Examples of a better, more egalitarian world where we openly ensure that everyone involved feels good about their role and what is expected of them. In fact, at a Non-Kinky Philosophy Convention in Georgia I gave a keynote speech on exactly how the Vanilla world can learn a lot about Fairness and Superior Communication from the BDSM world.
The sands are shifting already, and many are the powerful women who are stepping up to fix problems in a derailed world. To any man reading this, as one man to another I offer you the perspective of seeing women as our Equals and Allies to help make a Better World. From amongst these same modern women you will find the kinky women of the world who will always be here just as there will always be kinky men. From amongst these kinky women, you will find those who crave, need, and desire the path of Kinky Submission – D/s – no matter how powerful they are in their daily lives. These women who step through to the “BDSM Side of The Looking Glass” and into fetish-submission as part of their sexual identity and will still desire to be sexually and sensually dominated by One to whom they can give ALL their trust. Need an example? Look how many women came out of the closet about their own submissive desires after reading “50 Shades.”
Sexuality is a widely diversified arena, and as we grow and mature as a species we are gaining a greater appreciation for this diversity. You CAN whole-heartedly support Equal Rights and the success of your female friends and family members in the workplace as well as their safety and well-being in the world. At the same time you CAN rest easy that there will ALWAYS be women who will still step gladly Through The Looking Glass into Kinky Wonderland to express their passionately kinky sexual desires and BDSM relationship needs.
To conclude, if your “cake” is the phenomenon of the Romantically Submissive Woman who craves a D/s relationship no matter how powerful she might be in her daily Vanilla life, and “eating that cake” means accepting the bulk of Modern, Third-Wave Feminism which promotes Equal Rights, and above all forwarding Human Rights in general…. then Yes, you absolutely can have your cake and eat it too. 🙂
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