Stepping Back and Diving Deep
Part 1 of 3: Submissive Hiatus…

PART ONE of STEPPING BACK and DIVING DEEP (in 3 Parts).

A new and very well-meaning submissive wrote to me to describe a series of bad experiences she had with a particular so-called Dom who showed tremendous disrespect when it came to the submissive’s limits as well as being HONEST about his own situation. Nonetheless, her own preference for INTENSITY began to translate the negative experience into a strange kind of fulfillment so strong that, due to a lack of fully understanding the nature of the forces within her, this new submissive found herself mysteriously wanting to go BACK to the same so-called Dom for a second encounter.

Like several other submissive’s I have heard from recently where the previous Dom either disrespected the submissive’s limits, acted in an exceedingly dishonorable manner, or in the lighter cases simply informed a submissive-to-be that he needed time to explore himself before he could take on a submissive, this particular new sub decided WISELY — if only temporarily — to STEP BACK from it all. Like the others who wrote me, she began to feel a bit like a floundering fish-out-of-water, and decided to reach out to get advice on how to focus and channel all these powerful emotions and submissive desires she was feeling without repeating earlier mistakes.

Because of the dynamics of my answer and covering so many aspects, I have divided this ARCANE ADVICE Lesson into THREE PARTS:

— In Part 1 I present a variety of ways for this submissive (and others) to stay focused on her own beautiful submissive heart while at the same time taking a kind of “submissive hiatus.” As we explore into her expectations and desires, I suggest ways to focus her Fetish Nature (submission) WITHOUT her needing to dive into another D/s encounter just yet…

— In Part 2 I dive much deeper into just what *MIGHT* make a submissive like this “tick” and examine exactly WHY she was / is drawn to such a level of INTENSITY, an answer which may surprise you.
Click Here for Part 2

— In Part 3 I venture full-on into the reality of those who Play On The Edge.
Click Here for Part 3

Enjoy.

Part 1: Submissive Hiatus

I am honored by your openness, and I am very sorry to hear about what happened. Yes, he was COMPLETELY out of line, and yes, the very fact of you returning again a second time was an invitation to him to repeat his actions and disregard you and your limits. His later revealing that he has a partner almost falls in line with the less-than-savory qualities you mentioned upon first playing with him, despite your initial impression of him having a very enticing “dominant vibe.”

Let me say this: From all the details you have given me about yourself, I can say without a doubt that you respond VERY strongly to DOMINANCE. When that quality within you is Carefully Self-Crafted into its own kind of inner nobility, it will prove to be VERY empowering for you. However, it sounds like you do have “stray-kitten” syndrome in the way your submissive soul is almost desperately looking for that affectionate, warm place. That need is something you need to be aware of, for certain, but Do Not Let That Need Control You. The highest, most beautiful forms of Submission should be pathways towards a kind of Enlightenment, not a kind of actual addiction. Your Dom-to-be should be Pilot to your co-pilot, Guide to your adventurer, even Sensei to your student, but NOT your Enabler!

I will openly admit that I enjoy that affectionate, warm place just as much as anyone. But alongside that I have gone to great lengths to seriously cultivate the ability to find a sense of inner happiness no matter where I am, no matter who I am with (or not with), and no matter what I am doing. Lets face it – sometimes life gives us sh*t moments. Even in most of those cases I can usually find something else to focus my mind upon that can rapidly help shift me back into a more positive headspace, which in turn makes most actual problems and issues easier to solve. In addition, I have both cultivated and was lucky enough to start out with a pretty rock-solid sense of humor. I have lost count of the number of times my state-of-mind has been saved by simply being able to laugh. On the occasion when I cannot shake a negative head space I will even rent a few comedies or watch a funny show just get the “laugh motor” inside me jump-started. 😉

Many moons ago I wrestled within myself these exact questions in regards to my Dominant nature and desires. Were they going to be my addiction and rule my life? Or was I going to transform them into an amazing tool to EMPOWER my life? I can tell you the exact, literal spot I was sitting and what direction I was literally facing when I had the epiphany regarding making that need (my Fetish Nature) into an Empowering Force For My Life. I never looked back.

I think the next course for you is pretty obvious. You need to take a kind of hiatus and learn about Yourself, and not by bouncing your nature off of others (Doms) at this time. In my opinion you need to do some reading and talking — books, fetlife, conversations with members of the local community. It may sound silly but I honestly recommend that you need to “just say no” to offers of play right now unless it is in a VERY SAFE, Community setting where you can stop the scene in a heartbeat (i.e. only at the dungeon / play parties of FRIENDS where everyone is looking out for you and no one is going to cross your lines, or clubs where you are surrounded by good friends). You can still EXPLORE your masochistic and playful side, but now is NOT the time (IMO) for you to be exploring serious D/s in private. No matter how seductive the person online or in the club might be, you need to (IMHO) steer clear of any private play until you know for a fact that you have the ABILITY TO PROCLAIM YOUR BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS and that you are ready to enforce those limits absolutely! I’d like to suggest that you literally WRITE DOWN your own Hard Limits – what you are absolutely NOT ok with, and review that list BEFORE any play party / club night. If you are chatting online, be very up-front that you ONLY do public play at this time (or none at all as you choose).

Trust me that I know all about the “tug” of submission inside you, how that tug from your Fetish Nature feels like a veritable HUNGER. But for now you have to be like that legendary “heroic” werewolf or vampire who has the sheer magnitude of will-power to set aside the Hunger for a higher purpose. I have been asked many times how I have “survived” when I have had no slave, seeing as how my own Hunger (Dominance in my case) is such an incredibly intense force inside me. What I can say is that it is all a matter of pure will-power. WILL-POWER IS LIKE A MUSCLE: the more you work it out the stronger it gets. Building your own Will-Power is truly one of the single greatest gifts you will ever give yourself.

And I will tell you a secret:
A slave is someone who EXEMPLIFIES the quality of Will-Power! Yep, its True! Being that I consider the actual title of “slave” to refer to the martial-arts equivalent of a Black-Belt within submission, I have truly lost count of how many slaves I have met (mine or belonging to other Dom/mes) who exhibit a truly exemplary magnitude of will-power every day that most vanillas only ever dream about having themselves. It takes great will-power for a slave to hold a difficult position, to become expert with the D/s Etiquette, to learn immaculate self-control of random impulses, to create within herself a deeply abiding sense of patience, etc. These are all ways a slave is trained to build will-power. In your case, you should take your current time as an independent sub to develop your will-power in any way you can, the first of which is to hold your submissive Hunger right at that threshold between Appreciation Of Your Nature versus letting it get out of control and rule you. You must rule your Hunger, almost exactly like holding back the leash or reins of a beast while appreciating that beast at the same time (loving and respecting your own Fetish Nature). It may sound cliche’ but it really is a truism. The will-power you develop will be a MASSIVE reward to yourself.

Ruling your Hunger is NOT the same as suppressing it. Appreciate the magic contained within that Hunger. There is very real power in there – yes for both the Dom and the submissive as well. But be strong enough to keep the Hunger contained. CALMLY contained. Fantasize as much as you want, and perhaps even channel those fantasies into Art – writing, poetry, drawing, painting, etc. Perhaps even start a JOURNAL expressly about your Fetish Nature. Think of yourself as an academician who is studying the heights and depths of submission – allow yourself a slight “professional distance” from the subject so you can learn first, and build your self-understanding.

This can be a powerfully wonderful time for you and you stand to re-enter the world of hardcore D/s at a future date MUCH MUCH more empowered and ready to present yourself to a Fine Dom as a submissive who is self-aware, strong inside, and ready to share your own inner strength with the complementary strength of a Dom who is equally a person of Quality.

Lastly before I move on to an even deeper level, do you know how to meditate? Even as little as 10 minutes a day can be a god-send. I’ve been meditating most of my adult life. All forms of meditation work together, so it doesn’t matter what style you do — JUST DO IT! 🙂

ONWARDS….

Regarding your decision to meet with the original so-called Dom a second time and give him a second chance, you have a variety of things to consider, both about him….and even more importantly About YOURSELF.

This is a bit difficult for me because I do not know the man, nor have I heard his side and his explanation myself. That said, running strictly from the information you have given me, the facts as I understand them are that:
a) he absolutely did not respect your clearly stated limits (big no-no)
b) his theories of what makes a slave (“they have no limits”) is bullshit in my opinion and was his excuse (and even the legendary, so-called “no-limits slave” usually ends up having a few common-sense limits anyhow).
c) he did not inform you he had another slave Up Front, whether in person or online

In short my impression is that this guy will act in a fashion that shows zero responsibility for you, your limits, or your feelings, as long as he is getting his rocks off. Again this is said without ever having heard his side, nor knowing anything about him as that is all I currently have to work with.

His offer for you to meet his other slave is a step forward in his coming out, but be well aware of what you would THEN be stepping into:
You would be the Beta (2nd Girl).
He already has an Alpha (Primary Mate).
Make no mistake about that.

If you still choose to re-negotiate, in my opinion you MUST take into account the previous disrespect he has shown you. Obviously he has some qualities you like or else I would assume you would not be going back. But do not deceive yourself about his skill or ability to be a responsible Dom. Thus far he sounds very amateur, no matter how much he might “act” the part. A deep voice and a riding crop skillfully used does NOT a Dom make. The #1 quality of being a Fine Dom is the ABILITY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANOTHER. Do you feel he showed that to you?

Either way, taking a STEP BACK is still the best advice I can give you. Use the time wisely:
1) You can read and educate yourself on the topic of BDSM in the interim
2) You can explore yourself in other areas (hobbies, mundane goals, etc)
3) You can mingle with the BDSM community WITHOUT actively participating (i.e. parties, clubs, or even a solid community site like Fetlife)
4) You can explore other aspects of BDSM besides submission
5) You can give SERIOUS consideration to Defining Your Limits
CLICK HERE for more information on IDENTIFYING YOUR LIMITS .

But in my honest opinion I would strongly recommend that at least for now you do NOT jump back into any deep submission or intense private play. First and foremost you need to ESTABLISH WHERE YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES LAY. That knowledge, along with any further literary education on BDSM and D/s dynamics, will prepare you for the best possible negotiation with a new Fine Dom when one comes along and when you are ready. A solid negotiation (with a Dom who respects that negotiation) is the best way to start a new D/s encounter that will lead to genuine, mutual satisfaction.

Read Part 2 Here: The Mirror and The Edge