Stepping Back and Diving Deep
Part 2 of 3: The Mirror and The Edge…

PART TWO of STEPPING BACK and DIVING DEEP (in 3 Parts).

A new and very well-meaning submissive wrote to me to describe a series of bad experiences she had with a particular so-called Dom who showed tremendous disrespect when it came to the submissive’s limits as well as being HONEST about his own situation. Nonetheless, her own preference for INTENSITY began to translate the negative experience into a strange kind of fulfillment so strong that, due to a lack of fully understanding the nature of the forces within her, this new submissive found herself mysteriously wanting to go BACK to the same so-called Dom for a second encounter.

Like several other submissive’s I have heard from recently where the previous Dom either disrespected the submissive’s limits, acted in an exceedingly dishonorable manner, or in the lighter cases simply informed a submissive-to-be that he needed time to explore himself before he could take on a submissive, this particular new sub decided WISELY — if only temporarily — to STEP BACK from it all. Like the others who wrote me, she began to feel a bit like a floundering fish-out-of-water, and decided to reach out to get advice on how to focus and channel all these powerful emotions and submissive desires she was feeling without repeating earlier mistakes.

Because of the dynamics of my answer and covering so many aspects, I have divided this ARCANE ADVICE into THREE PARTS:

— In Part 1, “Submissive Hiatus,” I presented a variety of ways for this submissive (and others) to stay focused on her own beautiful submissive heart while at the same time taking a kind of “submissive hiatus.” As we explored into her expectations and desires, I suggested ways to focus her Fetish Nature (submission) WITHOUT her needing to dive into another D/s encounter just yet.
Click Here for Part 1

— In Part 2 I dive much deeper into just what *MIGHT* make a submissive like this “tick” and examine exactly WHY she was / is drawn to such a level of INTENSITY, an answer which may surprise you…

— In Part 3 I venture full-on into the reality of those who Play On The Edge.
Click Here for Part 3

Enjoy.

Part 2: The Mirror and The Edge
OK.  Fasten Your Seatbelt.

It’s Now Time For You To LOOK INTO THE MIRROR
I am going to step into this examination even deeper so I ask that you listen and consider. I will say up front that I may be WAY off-base and completely incorrect in what I am about to say, and I mean no offense from any angle if I am. These are just my thoughts based on things I have personally seen many times and juxtaposing these with the information you have given me about YOURSELF.

There exists a kind of submissive who actually craves a level of activity wherein this intensity almost literally explodes her world view. To the outside world and the uninitiated eye, it may even seem she craves abuse. If however the element of seeking abuse can be eliminated as a possibility, then it turns out that seeking that level of intensity is in fact a perfectly viable Fetish, much the same way an adrenalin junkie will seek out extreme sports. The level of mindfuck that a submissive like this enjoys and the way she hungers for a near-totalitarian form of domination only reflects what she craves. This kind of submissive will willingly venture into seemingly dangerous territory because it gives her a unique thrill. It challenges all things “normal” and upsets her inner status quo – this is something she craves. Does this sound scary to you? Are you finding yourself strangely aroused at these thoughts? Are you starting to see yourself in this description?

The absolute truth of this kind of submissive is that her Fetish is Just As Respectable as any other form of submission (albeit a more extreme end of the bell-curve of possibilities). THE PROBLEM OCCURS when the unusual nature of this kind of submissive causes her to get herself into some tight spots (not the fun kind), or inadvertently create some form of genuine trouble for herself. There are plenty of “politically-correct” folk in the Greater BDSM Scene who will leap to “protect this poor soul from herself” because they view such an extreme nature as negative. Yet what I have come to appreciate is that, given that such a sub is NOT acting out of a desire to replay some abuse and that this desire is more akin to the adrenalin junkie, it is NOT the Fetish itself NOR the woman’s desires and cravings that are at fault when the sh*t hits the fan, but rather what Causes The Problems are THE WAYS SHE SOMETIMES GOES ABOUT SATISFYING THESE CRAVINGS.

What I am referring to here is in fact almost the opposite pole of the #1 Quality of Domination — this kind of submissive more than any other needs to act With Responsibility To HERSELF. The reason this kind of sub gets into problematic territory is because she tends to leap into situations that can be hazardous (or stay in out of balance situations) in her own pursuit of attempting to feed that Unique Hunger. As cliche’ as it sounds, she needs to look before she leaps.

The TRICK for this kind of submissive is again to STEP BACK just enough to assess the true physical / mental / emotional hazard-level of a pursuit PRIOR to leaping in. Those few seconds / minutes / hours / days spent contemplating the actual fulfillment of a pursuit (read: how likely she is to satisfy her desires-needs-cravings with a certain dynamically unbalanced dom, as opposed to a skilled Dom who is creating the intentional illusion thereof, explained momentarily) is the precious time she needs to assess that Fine-Line Choice of a seemingly “scary” Dom who is in fact quite a RESPONSIBLE person, versus a genuinely unskilled and irresponsible Dom who could be down right dangerous. The former is one with whom she will be able to passionately explore a variety of incredible experiences out on the Edge; the latter is yet another lesser dom with whom she will again come crawling back and alarm her friends. When she is choosing the latter, friends of this kind of submissive often see her returning from one form of hurt after another, descending into her misery, and eventually climbing back out only to repeat the pattern. Yes, it is very much like a typical negative-addiction pattern (like alcohol; as opposed to a positive addiction, such as the sport of surfing or running daily to keep your mind clear).

The FULFILLMENT of this kind of slave, her “enlightenment” if you will, comes when she accepts the nature of what it is that she craves, what her actual fetish is, and chooses to channel that fetish into the hands of a Dom who can play Wisely and Conscientiously on that Edge; a Fine Dom who also at the deepest level will Watch Over her and Ensure her mental / emotional / physical Safety even if she cannot see those safety parameters as part of the well-crafted “fear-intensity factor” on the part of the well-balanced Dom who understands this “out-on-the-far-reaches” kind of play.

When the Dom and sub match up this way, it is a “lock and key” fit. 🙂
Plenty of folk in the politically-correct faction within the BDSM community do not understand nor respect that kind of submissive (known as an Edge Player as she is exploring the “far edges of BDSM play and intensity”), and only see her as self-destructive. The truth however is that (given that she is not acting out of a desire to repeat abuse) her fetish, again, is just as respectable as anyone else’s. HOWEVER her challenge, a challenge perhaps harder and more remote than challenges confronted by those into less extreme levels of D/s, is to remember that ultimately this is NOT about a mad head-rush into any form of self-destruction (no matter what the perceived thrill), but rather securing a BDSM Lifestyle and / or relationship wherein she can drink the unique wine she craves while ultimately only Growing from the experience and gaining healthy self-knowledge. This is achieved by matching up with those Dominants who themselves understand and appreciate this particular type of submissive. The big-umbrella name for this kind and level of extreme play is EDGE PLAY.

Good, Edge-Playing Doms are few and far-between, and although other Fine Doms can often go fairly intense, an Edge Playing Dom will be both skilled at crafting that level of intensity as well as skilled at insuring that all the safety parameters are in place (whether obvious or hidden). He does NOT actually ever exceed an Edge-Playing submissive’s limits past where she has clearly communicated that she wants to go (which in her Edge-Playing case is often quite far out on the edges…). NEVERTHELESS, it is STILL the responsibility of the Edge Playing submissive to be aware of WHO she is playing with / to whom she is submitting.

NOW READ THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH TWICE:
Those negative experiences, where the friends of the submissive see her crawling back and thus they become concerned for her, mainly stem from the Edge Playing sub TRYING TO ATTAIN THE EXPERIENCES FROM DOMS WHO ARE — NOT — EXPERIENCED WITH EDGE PLAY and / or ARE — NOT — ACTUAL EDGE PLAYERS THEMSELVES. These NON-edge doms who “fake” being Edge Players (usually to impress / boast) then haphazardly attempt to express a level of intensity that is actually not clearly understood nor appreciated by that dom. In most cases with these NON-edge doms their expressions amount to behavior bordering on genuine abuse via power-tripping. Does any of this sound like the experience you had with the so-called dom you described?

THE POINT:
You may or may not be this kind of submissive, a.k.a. an Edge Player, and if it is not you (i.e. acceptable within your HARD LIMITS – q.v. the Arcane Advice lesson entitled “Black Belts, White Belts, Hard and Soft Limits” for a detailed explanation of those concepts) then there is NO REASON you should seek to play on that level, or have that expected of you! Being an Edge Player does NOT make you “a better sub” nor “a better slave.” Either Edge Play is a part of who you are and how you are wired or it isn’t. It’s a proclivity, just the same way a few athletes are drawn towards adrenalin sports. You wrote about a variety of dubious behaviors on the part of the man you described, yet you returned to him once already, and after a second negative action on his part you are already considering returning at a future point. Perhaps it is a feeling of scarcity in your local Scene, perhaps you need to look deep into your past, or perhaps it is a Hunger inside you seeking an Edge-like level of satisfaction. That is an answer you need to find within yourself as you TAKE TIME OUT from the Scene and from submission.
The MOST IMPORTANT thing is to Be Aware of your cravings and your needs. Be honest with yourself about them….
…. and then you will be the Best Equipped to find a Really Good Match with a Dom who understands and respects these qualities within you that you find. 🙂
Or as the Oracle of Delphi said in ancient Greece when she was asked to summarize all her wisdom into one single sentence:

———————– KNOW THYSELF ———————–

All the best,
— Arcane

Read Part 3 Here: The Call of Edge Play