Where To Find A Submissive or Dominant Partner

A Dom-Dom couple (both people are Dominant; neither is submissive) wrote to me asking how and where they could find a submissive for the two of them to Co-Top. I wrote them back with advice on their exact question, as well as an extensive answer regarding THE BIG QUESTION that I get asked quite often….

Where to Find A Good BDSM Partner?

I suggested some proven ideas and methods that should make ANYONE’s search for a quality Submissive or Dominant into a much more Enjoyable Experience. These are a handful of concepts that genuinely work.

Rest assured there are good Doms and subs out there – they really do exist. 🙂

The couple who wrote to me also described their search as part of wanting to explore their “Darker Side” so I gave them some food for thought about their choice of words as I began my answer to their question….

Enjoy. 🙂

Lets start with the exact words you used:
“Darker Side” – think about how you framed that in your mind, that to explore D/s is somehow a “Dark” path. Throw that perspective out immediately. That’s number one. D/s is an ART FORM. It is as Bright and Glorious as if you were sitting at a Piano composing music. Celebrate this element to your nature…respect it. 🙂

Next we have the both of you being Dominant. That you two are on the same page and want to co-dominate is very cool and you can have a LOT of fun doing so. There are several ways to keep that element at its best – you can agree to have one of you “lead” an encounter with a submissive while the other one of you participates as “co-pilot,” or you can agree to have a kind of back & forth dance between the two of you when you play with the new submissive, tuning into your partner and giving way to your partner’s impulse from time to time, back and forth. If one of you is definitely going to take the front seat and the other follow (best if one of you is more skilled at Domination) then make sure you know this up front before you play with the submissive. Make sure both of you feel “included” in the scene. Be sure to take time in the scene to give energy back and forth to your partner in addition to focusing on the submissive together. After every scene when the two of you are alone again, ALWAYS de-brief and talk about what worked and what didn’t….listen and be respectful of what the other has to say as you both are going to fine-tune with each other into becoming an incredible Dominant Team. 🙂

Now we get to THE BIG QUESTION:
Where to find a submissive? This is of course the ETERNAL QUESTION for every Dominant Everywhere (as well as for Submissives seeking the opposite, namely a Fine Dominant).
The short answers are:

• Local Fetish Clubs And Events
• Local Fetish / Kinky Community
• Unexpectedly “Fetishy” Gatherings
• Fetish / Kinky Personals Websites


LOCAL FETISH CLUBS AND EVENTS:

A wonderful place to meet all manner of BDSM / Fetish Folk. DRESS WELL – make a good first impression. Hopefully you will like the music. BE SOCIAL, Be Friendly. Make FRIENDS first – Many (and I do mean MANY) Dom-sub hook-ups come by way of Being Introduced by a mutual friend who can vouch for you. Spend time and enjoy yourself as you meet people. Treat the Fetish Club as the PARTY that it is – Go there to Have A Good Time! If you don’t meet a new sub that night at least you still had fun – see what I mean? 🙂
Other people will enjoy you more if you are someone who is enjoying the night in general than if you go there so “on-the-prowl” and serious that you end up making yourself unapproachable. Bring your current fetish friends with you and make a night of it. 🙂
STAY ON THE SOBER SIDE: nothing will ruin a prospect faster than being intoxicated when you meet them – it shows bad judgement on your part, and that you might also be dangerous to play with if you get so intoxicated – S&M requires Good Judgement to read the submissive’s body language, to gauge distance & velocity (for whips & other toys), and to be sensitive to the submissive’s sexual arousal (or lack thereof), etc. Keep Your Own Senses Sharp! 🙂

QUICK NOTE:
This is SERIOUSLY IMPORTANT!!!
Do NOT EVER present yourself as something that you are Not!!! Do not tell a submissive who has experience that you have had 10 slaves who all blossomed into superheroes when in fact all you have ever done is pull out a riding crop and a blindfold with one partner. The truth will ALWAYS come forth eventually and you will look VERY BAD.
The ONE THING you definitely want to do is Build A Good Reputation. HONESTY is critical in this. Lying about your ability will do exactly the opposite, and those introductions you are seeking will go up in smoke.
If you are a Beginner – Be Ok With That. 🙂
We all started as beginners. Buy books and take classes to Improve Your Skills.
If you and your freshly-kinky partner both have Dominant tendencies but are open to Switching, then try switching a bit here or there just so that you can both improve your skill sets.
(*you can whine and complain about being the submissive all you want later, but no spiking their meal with hot peppers!!!*) 😀
Seriously though, having a partner to practice upon and with whom you both can grow together is Worth Its Weight In Gold. 🙂


LOCAL FETISH / KINKY COMMUNITY:

I met one of my very-long-term slaves at a BDSM party hosted by the local BDSM Society at a dungeon / play-space. It was as simple as being introduced by mutual friends, sitting next to her and politely asking what she was into. It turned out we were highly complimentary in our fetish desires. The party had a comedy show mid-way, and we talked here and there during the show. When the show was finished I asked her if she would like to do a simple scene there at the party. She said yes and the rest is history. 🙂

Almost every major city in the modern world has a BDSM / Fetish Society of some kind. For example in San Francisco you have “The Society of Janus” and in Los Angeles you have “Threshold,” while in New York you have “TES.” You can join any of these societies. You can also use these ones just listed to find leads for similar societies in your area. ATTEND the various Workshops, Classes, and Parties that your BDSM Society throws! Prior to meeting the slave mentioned above, I attended every single class, workshop and party the society threw for about 3 months. I got seen by others, I made new friends, and other members in general got comfortable with me. Thereafter, one of those new friends (a pre-existing, monogamous Master-slave couple) made the above introduction for me. 🙂

You can also check out:

• BDSM Street Fairs like the wonderful and famous Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco every year
• Bulletin Boards at local fetish shops
• BDSM Book Signings
• Local kinky social gatherings centering around food, a.k.a. “Munches”
• Fetish Parties (the big ones – some of these may be out of your city but they are usually fantastically FUN and absolutely worth going to – get on lists like The Crow Academy Newsletter List to be notified by email about major events like these).


UNEXPECTEDLY “FETISHY” GATHERINGS:

The two most common of these are Costume Parties (sometimes called “Fancy Dress” parties) and any kind of historic re-creation events, aka “Rennaissance Faires” and “Medieval Re-Enactment” gatherings. The theatrical types of people that these gatherings and parties attract often inspire people to Wear Their Kink on the outside. The classic example is the person who comes to one of these parties dressed as a sexy cop with handcuffs hanging in plain view, etc. These events are usually INCREDIBLY Social where you can meet loads of people fast. To top it off you will usually have a good time just being there at the event anyhow. 🙂


FETISH / KINKY PERSONALS WEBSITES:

Some well known ones are:
ALT [dot] com
BONDAGE [dot] com
COLLARSPACE [dot] com

Hard to say one is better than the other. I prefer one but another buddy of mine prefers another. Only COLLARSPACE is free, but it has the lowest number of members. BE HONEST in your profile, post the best pictures of yourself SMILING and having a good time. Post more than one photo so people can see you in different settings.

Warning: Although ALT has the most members, they also have the most PHONY profiles by far as a way to trick people into paying for membership. That said, indeed I have met some lovely people from Alt as well, so it’s not all bad. You will be warned on most sites to NEVER send a stranger money under any circumstances – there are some serious con-artists out there… (quick rule of thumb – there are NO models getting stuck in Africa, LOL).

Feb 1, 2015: Time for an Update to this Lesson: FETLIFE.com
The website Fetlife.com is truly a benefit to the entire global BDSM Community. While it is expressly NOT a “dating” website (and the creators have gone out of their way to make it so), it is an excellent way to find out about Local Classes, Events, and Parties where you can attend and apply the principles stated above. Think of Fetlife as a kind of “Facebook for the Kinky Community.” Joining Fetlife is free, and within the thousands of forums on Fetlife (30,000 different groups and forums last count) they do have a few that are much like placing a personal ad. That said, the rest of the forums might well cover areas in which you have a personal interest, so joining one of those Fetlife groups might bring you closer to finding someone with whom you genuinely have something in common, rather than just putting it out to the world in general. Almost everyone on Fetlife is Real, but the caveat is that this does not automatically mean they are being genuine about their abilities, nor that they really have a very good understanding of BDSM, nor that they are necessarily a good person. Sorry to say there are some real jerks on Fetlife, but at least that will still be a real person as opposed to a flat-out-fake profile like on Alt.
Regardless of which Kinky Website you use to look for a parter, the responsibility is with YOU to properly investigate, cross-reference, and dialogue with anyone you meet on any kinky website.

In particular if you are a Submissive looking for a Fine Dominant, check out these other two Arcane Advice lessons (and Dominants note that these might be lessons you want to read as well – Learn how to be Excellent!)….

10 Key Qualities for an Exceptional Dom

Credentials, or How To Screen a Dom?

OK. Next, here are THREE AWESOME RULES for making your Online Personals experience the best. They may seem jaded at first, but stick to these, keep your expectations reasonable and you will be happier overall:

1) Until you at least hear their voice live on the phone / skype / etc, assume they are not even the gender they say they are.

2) Until you see them on webcam or they send you a photo of them holding a sign with your name on it, etc, assume that even though you spoke to them on the phone that it is still not them in the photos – it is their cousin, a weird Bulgarian advertisement, an Icelandic model, etc. The excuse of “I don’t have a webcam” is, as of 2020, no longer acceptable and a flat out lie. These days almost all computers and certainly every single smartphone on earth is being sold with the webcam / videocamera built-in. If someone does not want to be seen on video for some reason, for example maybe they feel that not enough trust has been built yet, then the proper and honest thing to do is simply say so rather than lie about “not having a webcam / videocamera.”

3) Until they are sitting opposite the table from you, assume they never intended to meet in person in the first place. There are a LOT of people on the internet who live their fantasies quite vicariously in their imagination via chat rooms and the occasional phone or webcam chat. Even when you have had a webcam chat, for all you know they are married and their partner does not know a thing about what they are doing, but they are happy to string you along so they can tease their own fantasies. A good clue to this one is the classic “Gotta Go!” extremely-sudden-sign-off… in other words their spouse just got home.

Jaded? Sure, but these points are based on absolute 100% Real World experience of far more than just myself regarding the world of Kinky Online Dating. Keep these as “check-points” and when it does all land properly into place as the one you are courting online passes each test (you still have to allow for normal comfort building between the check-points, just not an unreasonable amount – use your intuition), you will be very pleasantly surprised and quite confident that you are all coordinated to have a really good time together. It’s kind of like saying that in the world of Personals Websites keep your expectations reasonable and just have a good time with it all and don’t get too serious about it. Treat it like a game or reading the morning newspaper with your coffee, or a way to chill before bedtime, etc. 🙂

So there you go. Take it all with a big deep breath and a smile on your face. Throw desperation out the window and go into your search Relaxed and KNOWING you are going to have a Good Time no matter what. Don’t make yourself nuts by getting overly serious about your search — the smile INSIDE you and on your face is 10 Times More Important than your effort-to-success ratio. Enjoy Yourself! 😀

All the best,
— Arcane