Yes, you read the title correctly and it says “Gifting,” not “Giving.” This is because Personal Sovereignty, the right to live your life as you want, and to do with your own body as you will, is everything in the modern world. For centuries, and even millennia, people have fought and struggled to obtain Personal Sovereignty – the right to rule oneself – for themselves and for their loved ones.
To joyously and voluntarily give that Personal Sovereignty to someone else on the journey towards Dominant & Submissive Bliss must be understood as a magnificent gesture and a Gift to be acknowledged by both sides. It is an act that demands to be respectfully received by the Dominant from the submissive, as the Dominant becomes ignited with the Responsibility that receiving this Gift entails. Therefore, one’s Personal Sovereignty is not just given…. it is Gifted.
To be clear, this is NOT about randomly opening oneself to be used by anyone in any manner… Not At All! Rather, in the world of Beautiful, Consensual, Loving BDSM, this IS about giving the Gift of one’s Personal Sovereignty to a SINGLE TRUSTED PERSON, namely one’s Dominant. As one goes deeper into Submission to one’s Trusted Dominant – from Play Partner to Submissive, perhaps even from Submissive to Slave – so too does the transference of greater and greater degrees of Personal Sovereignty tend to increase as well.
The Submissive’s Well-Being
In MANY D/s “Contracts” (Negotiations), it is incredibly common that any long-term arrangement has a clause / precept that the submissive’s body belongs to the Dominant, given that the Dominant accepts a kind of over-arching Responsibility for the submissive’s well-being. This includes Mental, Physical, and Emotional well-being, given the ability of the Dominant to act in any manner that caters to said well-being.
- Stopping one’s submissive from stepping into traffic because the submissive has their nose buried in a cell phone is an example of looking out for the submissive’s Physical well-being. Making sure that no actual harm comes to the submissive during the vast amount of BDSM practices the two might enjoy equally caters to their Physical well-being (as does using the BDSM Toys at the exact levels that take the submissive into their personal BDSM Bliss). Making sure the submissive is engaged in a healthy fitness program is looking out for the submissive’s Physical well-being.
- Taking a sad submissive who got bad news out for ice cream and a funny movie to help cheer them up is catering to their Emotional well-being. Cuddling a submissive deep in sub-space after a scene, aka Aftercare, also caters to their Emotional well-being. Making it clear to the submissive that they are safe, respected and protected is catering to their Emotional well-being.
- Telling one’s submissive to get off their phone and study for their upcoming college class test is catering to the submissive’s Mental well-being. Giving reading assignments to expand the submissive’s understanding and appreciation of Life, Culture, Art, as well as their own Imagination is all catering to their Mental well-being. Helping the submissive solve everyday conundrums and problems, say for example work related issues, is catering to their Mental well-being.
These are all just examples of the many, many ways a Dominant can be attentive to the overall Well-Being of their submissive.
Ethical Consensual Non-Consent
In the modern world, and especially in the world of BDSM and D/s, CONSENT is everything. In BDSM nothing happens without Consent… and in the world of BDSM that includes any and all previous, mutually-agreed-upon elements of Consensual Non-Consent (aka CNC). CNC is part and parcel to an enormous number of D/s practices. From extremely light such as the submissive agreeing to always keep the home tidy, to control of the submissive’s appearance as far as clothing and attire during certain situations like a BDSM event, to a far-pervading level in a 24/7 where the Dominant has final say in almost any subject… all of these are levels of CNC that BDSM Couples around the world have negotiated and enjoy every day.
(NOTE: At The Crow Academy we allow for genuine Emergencies to ALWAYS override all CNC, Protocols, Rules and Roles. The most important thing is addressing the genuine emergency. After the emergency is addressed, then CNC, protocols, rules and roles can be resumed as appropriate and if possible.)
CLICK HERE to read a CRITICAL LESSON about Ethical Consensual Non-Consent, aka E-CNC
The important thing to remember in ALL of these cases is that the parameters of the CNC – the “where, when, and how much” – is all 100% mutually agreed upon and well-negotiated BEFORE the D/s commences. The degree of CNC expected / desired is all discussed and agreed to during the Initial Negotiation. In short, both sides MUST be happy with the level of CNC that the two agree will work for them.
It may seem odd to some readers who are new to BDSM that a submissive will want to hand over such complete control, say in the case of the 24/7 D/s couple where the Dominant has final-say in all matters. This is however in fact FAR more common than most people realize. Many are the submissives who find enormous relief, joy, and even empowerment in their Submission by way of handing over such control to their chosen, trusted Dominant. And yes, note the word “trusted” in that last sentence. It is only through Trust that the submissive gains the confidence that the handing over of so much control is a safe and beautiful choice.
Sex-On-Tap: A Perfect Example of Gifting Personal Sovereignty
Perhaps the single best way to understand the Gifting Away of One’s Personal Sovereignty is to examine the Consensual, Negotiated D/s practice known as “Sex On Tap.” Sex-On-Tap, or “SOT,” is the D/s practice wherein under the guidelines of ETHICAL Consensual Non-Consent (aka E-CNC as we call it at The Crow Academy) the submissive makes themself available 24/7 for the intimate use and desires of their Dominant. For D/s couples who practice SOT, it is often an exciting and extremely mentally stimulating D/s Reality which tends to get both people’s intimate desires ignited into a wonderfully healthy sex life.
Under the auspices of E-CNC, Sex-On-Tap amounts to the Dominant having control of the sexual rhythm of the couple. In the modern world, sexual repression is still a very real problem, and it can be absolutely blissful for a submissive to let go of any and all elements of that repression by simply allowing and agreeing (i.e. negotiating) that the choice is no longer theirs but rather their Dominant’s choice.
This extremely common D/s agreement then results in “Sex-On-Tap.” The idea is that the submissive is not only “the property” of the Dominant, but more specifically that they are the Sexual Property of the Dom/me. Given that the submissive is in perfectly fine physical condition, they become the Sexual Toy of the Dominant at the Dominant’s whim and desire.
Nonetheless, the inclusion of SOT is of course entirely dependent on whether or not the Dominant and the Submissive have negotiated this into their D/s, to whatever degree both people have mutually agreed to it in their Initial Negotiation.
Once SOT has been successfully negotiated into a D/s Relationship, you can clearly see how literally the most intimate, personal, physical aspect of one’s Personal Sovereignty – the right to do with your body as you choose – has been transferred…. Gifted… from the Submissive into the hands of the Loving Dominant. The Submissive TRUSTS that the Dominant will be Ethical in their application of the CNC element here, as any Fine Dominant should be in all aspects of BDSM and D/s. The Dominant in turn accepts the Responsibility of receiving something as Powerful as Sovereignty over their Submissive in this arena…. as well as any other areas where the Negotiated Gift of Personal Sovereignty occurs.
SOT is, in fact, extremely common in a vast number of D/s Relationships. In some cases SOT can occur literally at any time in whatever manner the Dominant chooses (given E-CNC and of course Common Sense), while in other cases SOT may get negotiated to stay within certain boundaries of appropriateness as far as Time, Style, or other aspects of the couple’s daily lives. In all cases SOT of course stays within the Stated Hard Limits of both parties.
CLICK HERE to read an Important Lesson about KNOWING YOUR LIMITS
It is easy to see why both sides of the D/s – both Dominants and submissives alike – love and enjoy SOT so much. By understanding the joy that SOT brings to these folk it makes the bliss and motivation behind Gifting Away One’s Personal Sovereignty much clearer to understand.
SOT: A Massive Turn-On
I have personally met COUNTLESS submissives – both male, female and otherwise – who LOVE the Sex-On-Tap element in their D/s Relationships. They thoroughly enjoy knowing they can be “taken” at any time. It is superbly “Hot” for them. A significant number of these same submissives also often suffer from “sexual shyness,” meaning without SOT they would not know when or where it’s ever a good time to want Sex even when they desire it, stumbling through any number of mis-impressions about what it means to have a Healthy Sexuality. Perhaps they were taught that “sex is bad” by some religion? Perhaps their family was not very affectionate and so physical affection feels awkward for them? Perhaps they simply grew up confused by the “complexity of human mating practices” (of which major books have been written), or they are socially awkward when it comes to sex due to lack of experience? All of these scenarios and many more can occur… and when that person chooses and identifies with Submission and realizes they no longer ever have to worry about it anymore with their Trusted Dom/me, MANY submissives find themselves wholly relieved and MUCH happier knowing that strange world of sexual timing is no longer their responsibility. I am not joking when I tell you I have witnessed the bliss this brings to any number of submissives coming from the backgrounds like the ones just described. 🙂
For all of these submissives, having the Dom/me be in control of the When / Where / How of their sex life is an ENORMOUS Relief. Like so many other aspects of Submission, SOT takes the pressure off the submissive and they can let go of that decision / choice in life. If you ask any active submissive what they love about Submission, 99 times out of 100 they are going to tell you they love having someone else “make the decisions” when the two of them are in-role, whether for short term or long term. Submission for all of these submissives is about lovingly placing Power & Choice into the hands of their Dominant, and SOT is one of the deepest expressions of the submissive joyously being the Dominant’s property, and a celebration of the mutual bliss this brings the well-negotiated D/s Couple.
SOT can be considered a “core” element for many D/s Couples because it contains such a huge degree of voluntarily, consensually giving one’s Personal Sovereignty to a very special person, namely the submissive’s Trusted Dominant. Should there be a disagreement regarding the SOT protocol, or a conflict arises regarding the Gifted Sovereignty, then a Re-Negotiation is certainly warranted. Nonetheless, many D/s Couples see SOT as merely one more Sovereignty Element that the submissive has agreed to hand over to the Dominant, the same as allowing the Dominant to pick the submissive’s attire, assign the submissive books to read, command the submissive to exercise, and much more.
For many a submissive, SOT is the ultimate message to their Dominant that they adore being their Dominant’s Property, and that the submissive adores Being Owned. This is why SOT remains such an incredible, bonding, and much loved aspect for a vast number of BDSM Couples around the world. It is an open invitation within these D/s Couples to fully embrace Ethical CNC and the One-Way Power Flow of Domination & Submission along a smooth pathway to the Romance, Passion, and Connection.
The Dominant’s Responsibility When Accepting Sovereignty
Alongside the acceptance of this control, the Dominant of course takes on the responsibility of Being Wise about SOT. The mutual acceptance of SOT does NOT excuse the Dominant from using Good Common Sense. For example, if a submissive is recovering from some kind of serious surgery, then it is flat out unwise (most likely) for anyone to put extra physical taxation on the recovering submissive. A good Dom/me will see this clearly, and accept that in such a circumstance that the well-being of the submissive comes first, i.e. their calm and peaceful healing process undisturbed by any sort of physical intensity.
At The Crow Academy we even have a special Safeword that gets applied in these circumstances, say in the event the Dom/me wants to play but forgets their sub has a new piercing that needs to heal. Using said Safeword at the very least reminds the Dom/me that they must make allowances for the extenuating condition, whether that means avoiding the piercing (etc) area, full-on allowing the sub to rest up, simply working around the piercing without disturbing it, or what have you.
The emphasis here is that this special Safeword is for a TEMPORARY situation, and once the element has resolved / healed / come back to normal, that unique-application Safeword is removed and only reinserted when a new, specific situation occurs that needs to be addressed. For example, when the piercing has healed that special Safeword for the piercing is removed, until the next time a different piercing occurs… or some other unique need arises making it necessary and useful to reinstate that Safeword. This same Safeword can also be applied for ongoing medical issues, for example for a submissive who has asthma and is having an attack during play (e.g from allergies)… all they need to do is use that unique Safeword and the Dom/me has already learned exactly how to address the matter, e.g. grab the submissive’s inhaler, etc.
(Note: This is the Safeword “Blue” in The Crow Academy Style and, alongside the other Seven Safewords of The Crow Academy, it is fully described in detail in our book “Igniting The Fire: The Art of Romantic Submission.” To Learn More about our 372 page A-Z Guide to Successful D/s Relationships click on the book title to take you to the Amazon page.)
Likewise, a good Dominant will of course be aware of their submissive’s emotional equilibrium, and would equally see the Common Sense of delaying SOT when dealing with a submissive experiencing a temporary situation of being highly emotionally upset (e.g. grieving for a lost pet perhaps). Common sense would tend to dictate that the submissive is simply not in any sort of conducive head space for SOT. Of course it could be argued that cuddling, affection, and gentle love-making might also be a wonderful way to bring a grieving submissive back into a happier, endorphin filled headspace (not all SOT is necessarily intense BDSM Sex). It is the responsibility of the Dominant to use Good Judgement in these cases. The Dom/me has fairly negotiated SOT, and the Dom/me has the Right to SOT, but should they do so in these extenuating circumstances? Being wise and compassionate in these unusual moments, and seeing the big picture apart from one’s immediate desires, is what makes for Excellent Dominance.
Nonetheless, aside from extenuating, TEMPORARY circumstances like the ones described above, under normal healthy conditions in all cases where the “Submissive as Sexual Property” clause has been negotiated and accepted by both sides, the sub otherwise has no say in the where-when-how of of the D/s Couple’s sexual activity. However… that should never be seen as an absolute Black & White, 2-Dimensional Edict! Without E-CNC it can indeed backfire… and not in the way you are probably thinking! The Worst Backfire of this that I have actually seen & experienced in real life is simply that some submissive’s can misinterpret SOT to mean that the sub “cannot initiate sexual activity ever” which can end up significantly interfering with the couple’s healthy sex life!
At the Crow Academy we dispel any such notions, and quite the opposite we teach D/s Couples to foster Romance within their D/s. We try to explain that a Lifestyle Submissive (i.e. in a long-term D/s Relationship) who wishes to initiate sex should generally be allowed to do so unless there is some extenuating circumstance on the part of the Dom/me (e.g. the Dom/me is in the middle of an important phone call, etc). Of course there may be rules of D/s Etiquette to follow, and the submissive initiating sex should never do so while knowingly overriding a known D/s rule or protocol of proper, everyday behavior. For example, initiating sex does not suddenly mean they are excused from doing chores or side-stepping a given command from their Dominant. A well behaved submissive will complete tasks assigned first before using their own free time to initiate sex.
Thus SOT, so very commonly negotiated into D/s Relationships, while granting the Dominant endless and open sexual access to their submissive still requires that it pass through the lens of Common Sense. The goal, as we teach, is Mutual Bliss, and while SOT is absolutely an option there, it still requires Ethical CNC, Mutual Respect, and a grounding in everyday Reality. If the Dominant’s libido is higher, the submissive has agreed to be available and receives that open-ended availability as a turn-on, and of course the submissive can still initiate as described above. If the submissive’s libido is higher then SOT encourages the Dominant to take advantage of SOT, but also encourages the couple to let the submissive initiate as described above. If the two have similar / matching libidos then SOT simply makes consistent sexual fulfillment extremely likely for the couple overall.
Circumnavigating Vanilla Problems
The reason this kind of Consensual Non-Consent extends to sex in an enormous variety of D/s Contracts and BDSM Mutual Agreements so-negotiated this way around the globe, is that the opposite is a known problem all too common in unfulfilling Vanilla relationships. What is seen in the Vanilla world, using the promise of sex as a way to belligerently manipulate the other person (e.g. emotional manipulation, using sexual promise for power and control over the other, denial of sex to manipulate one’s way, etc) is wholly and completely antagonistic to Healthy D/s. For any so-called Submissive to act that way would be contrary to the very idea of Romantic Consensual Submission, and most certainly would be a form of the worst kind of Topping From The Bottom. That sort of behavior, for a non-submissive to use Sex to manipulate their Dom/me, has no place in a flourishing D/s Relationship.
CLICK HERE to learn about the problems of Topping From The Bottom
To avoid such a negative, Vanilla experience, an enormous amount of normalization has occurred within the global D/s Community regarding “Sex-On-Tap” for Romantic D/s Couples everywhere who have negotiated this. E-CNC, Common Sense, and Mutual Respect provide these couples with a strong sense-of-measure and grounding. Hard Limits are always respected, and allowances are made when circumstances require the Dominant to adjust for Real Life.
A couple might negotiate something completely different, say for example in a couple for whom sex is just not that important to either of them. What if your careers only allow evenings for relaxing sex? What if one person always comes home exhausted from work and so mornings are the only time they are “ready to go?” All of this CAN be negotiated into the D/s of a given couple.
Gifting Personal Sovereignty Comes In Many Forms
Despite the fact that SOT is so incredibly common in D/s Couples all over the world, sometimes a given Dominant and submissive simply do not negotiate “Sex-On-Tap,” and if that is the case then that’s absolutely fine if it makes the two people happy. We include SOT here as a stark example of Gifting One’s Personal Sovereignty. There are an infinite number of ways to Negotiate a D/s Contract, and that can absolutely include leaving out SOT while including plenty of other elements of Personal Sovereignty. Giving away control over your diet or exercise program to your Dominant and following the exact directions of such is another example of Gifting Away Personal Sovereignty.
Most people see their own bodies as their own private, sacred temple not to be messed with. In the Vanilla world this equates to an absolute sovereignty over one’s own body and what one will or will not allow to transpire. “No means No” and “Enthusiastic Consent” are Excellent, Critical, and Outstanding hard & fast Rules Above Question.
Here in the BDSM and D/s Universe however, once you have Stepped Through The D/s Looking Glass, we have the gift of Intelligent D/s Negotiation wherein two people can consensually agree to a set extremely personal rules between just the two of them which transfer a greater or lesser degree of that Sovereignty into the hands of the Dominant. This is a ground-level, basic element of all D/s. We have the gift of embracing well-negotiated Consensual Non-Consent into a One-Way-Power-Flow that becomes the electricity and bliss of the Dominant and the submissive. All levels of D/s exist, from the very lightest Play Partners with rules merely for a lone scene (say at a BDSM club), to whole sets of rules for a long-term dating couple who still live apart, to deeply passionate and encompassing rules for a 24/7 D/s Lifestyle couple living together. All variations are valid given that initial, well-negotiated start, mutual consent… and Mutual Desire.
Conclusion: It’s All About The Negotiation
Like any other aspect of BDSM, Sex-On-Tap only works when BOTH people have thoroughly negotiated SOT in their Initial Negotiation, and both absolutely agreed to the practice. SOT for many D/s Couples is a cornerstone under their personal umbrella of Ethical Consensual Non-Consent. For many people seeking an ongoing, potentially long-term D/s Relationship, the inclusion of SOT could well be a mandatory condition which must be negotiated into the couple’s forthcoming D/s Relationship in their Initial Negotiation.
Likewise, whatever will be the degree of handing over Personal Sovereignty to the Dominant, it should always begin with a solid, well discussed Negotiation. At The Crow Academy we recommend starting SLOW, with perhaps just a bit of CNC and just a bit of Accepting Sovereignty at first. TRUST needs to grow over time, and with every successful BDSM and D/s experience you share together your Mutual Trust WILL expand. With that growing Trust will come the opportunity to increase the elements of E-CNC and areas where the Dominant can happily and safely accept Sovereignty. DON’T RUSH IN TO THE DEEP END!! Take your time and enjoy the journey together.
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